Ye that bit, it seemed a bit out of place with the music and watching the skills… I totally get that their all dying and have to be hammered etc,
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Awesome accomplishment. I’m 15days sober and not craving alcohol but I am off to rehab to deal with my work related PTSD which was a big factor in my drinking. I’m a first responder and the program is for first responders with addiction problems. Hope I am as successful as you. Again, very happy for your huge accomplishment.
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I’ve been meaning to give an update on what’s been going on with me. I have been so busy. Things look like they are about to balance out for me.
Balance is something I struggle with. I always have.
Work is the biggest one. I tend to work too much. I don’t even know what a 40 hour a week job feels like.
I have been trying to find a way to work less and enjoy life a little more. It’s been my goal for about ten years, yet I seem to find myself in jobs that demand all of me.
Fishing on a highline boat requires a lot of me. I’ve been willing to give it. The more I give, the more it wants.
The owners\captains of these operations are extremely self-centered. It like you become their property along the way. They make time to take care of themselves but never consider what I need to take care of me.
Current employer makes time to take care of himself at the expense of the rest of the crew. He is able to schedule things like dental appointments, therapy appointments, legal appointments. He doesn’t let us know in advance. He just schedules it and expects us/me to pick up the slack and keep the highliner boat machine grinding.
I’m an excellent worker. I’m self-motivated. If I like the job and see potential to make a lot of money. I go all in and become willing to do whatever it takes to excel. I like to be the best at whatever I do. I always strive for that.
Buying the Keta gets me out from under him. I’ve been working on her. His boat takes too much of me. I have no time for me. I’ve been cutting my time here to compensate for that. Less time online = more time to work on her.
Salmon could open April 15th. I need to be ready.
Hes been hard to work with for most of the 2 1\2 years I have worked with him. The last few days he has been hard to work with. Yesterday he broke the camels back. He was yelling at me in front of everyone at the dock. I told him to quit nagging at me in front of everyone.
He was pissed! It led to him yelling at me after everyone left. I stayed calm. I told him I like you. The only reason I’m still here is because I like you.
He told me I can’t film on his boat anymore. I replied I guess I won’t be fishing with you anymore. I can do whatever I want because I’m self-employed. I’m tired a having a boss. The only reason I’ve stuck around as long as I have is because I can film.
He threatened to replace me. I told him he needs to replace me. I’m self-employed.
I feel like I just got out of prison. It feels really good!
I’m a people pleaser and I was being dumb enough to think I could do both boats. A few days ago. I realized this. I decided I was going to give him notice. I was waiting for the “right” time. He created it for me.
I’ve been really comfortable not drinking. I’m grateful. I need to keep my life balanced enough to stay connected to support. Just because not drinking has been easier doesn’t mean I can get so busy I can’t make time to stay connected.
I’ll be around more.
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You got this Jason. Stars are aligned just right. And you are doing exactly what you need to do to be where you want to be. Looking good friend. Very happy for you. Sobriety is a gift we give ourselves and if we treat it and ourselves right it will keep giving. Thanks for sharing.
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We had some fish on ice, The buyer couldn’t pick them up until yesterday morning. I had agreed to take care of it before we got into the altercation. Technically I don’t get paid until the fish get delivered, and I wanted to get my gear off his boat. I went down early, got my gear and took a nap on my boat.
I’ve made that mistake before. Quitting before I got my gear. It cost me about 1000 bucks worth of gear. I still have a huge resentment against Captain Dickhead over that. The prison ship. My previous employer. I’m looking forward to launching the Keta and being happy in front of him. There’s my revenge. I might even give him a sarcastic salute as I jump on my boat.
He made current skipper look like Mr Rogers from Mr Rogers neighborhood. Horrible person. Miserable, dry-drunk.
Never quit before the fish are delivered. Never storm off before the fish are in the buyers’ hands. I’ve watched other people make that mistake.
My anger issues are something I’ve been working on really hard in recovery.
When Skipper was yelling at me, I never yelled back. I stayed completely calm. When I felt confronted, like he was invading my personal space, I stepped back and folded my fingers together and took a deep breath in my nose and out my mouth. I kept my fingers folded and my hands as low as possible to look as non-confrontational as I could possibly be.
He was scowling with his arms back and a clenched fist yelling “I don’t appreciate your comment”. I calmly said, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at in front of everybody.” He yells 'Nagging when do I nag? I calmly, quietly replied “I feel like I’m being nagged at right now.” as I took a couple more steps back.
He yells, " You want to hear nagging? No more cameras on my boat!"
I sat down on the trailer, with my fingers still folded, in my lap and looked at the ground. I said I guess I’m done fishing with you. I’ve stuck around as long as I have because I can film. I’m tired of filming with my hands tied behind my back. I’m self-employed. I can do whatever I want.
He was bewildered after that. All his aggressive behavior stopped.
I asked him if he really wanted me to not fish with him anymore. His scowling face turned to shock. His demeanor completely changed.
I suggested we sleep on this because that’s exactly where this conversation is headed. He nodded his head in agreement looking completely shocked.
When we close a fishing trip, we fist bump as we are leaving. As he was getting into his truck, I held up my hand for a knuckle bump. He reluctantly gave me one looking completely bewildered like a stormtrooper that Yoda had just worked Jedi mind tricks on. It was awesome!
There is a 100 percent chance the old me would have been in a fist fight that night and said mean, horrible things that you can’t take back and caused permanent damage with. Words can hurt more than fists. I’m really good at that.
I learned these tactics in recovery before my big relapse. “I feel” statements. The non-confrontational body language. When I was a drunk. I was the confrontational one. If we didn’t fist fight, the old me would have gotten drunk over it, posted something stupid on Facebook, sent shitty texts and continued to pour gasoline over this argument.
I talked to him yesterday morning. He was super nice to me. We offloaded the fish. We are crabbing Friday. I’m not completely free yet, but I’ve set healthy boundaries.
I’m so grateful to be in recovery!
The eleventh promise of Alcoholics Anonymous.
" We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."
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I wish I could 
this post a hundred times. Amazing transformation is an understatement. Your life has completely turned around and it’s been such a pleasure to watch. I can’t wait to see where your new captain’s life takes you. 
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Thanks for this great post 
Your sharings are so inspiring 
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I got in a hurry on my last post and forgot to add that after we knuckle bumped I said, "Everything is going to be OK.
Someone in here told me that during one of my mental meltdowns. It stuck. I think it when I feel anxiety. @SinceIAwoke you can teach an old dog new tricks.
I feel that today. Right now, I feel an inner peace. I have a million things I could have anxiety over. I refuse to feed it. I break it down into bite sized pieces. It’s not overwhelming that way. I do the next right thing.
I have been over doing it lately. Working myself to death. My boat, My YouTube Channel, my more than full time job on a crab boat. I have a million personal things I need to do, Go to the dentist, fix my leaky trailer I was never able to fix last summer because I work to much.
Four or five days ago, I was working on my boat feeling overwhelmed and disappointed because I had to go fishing for cod, and I wanted to work on the boat. The weather was dry, and I wanted to do some outside work while it wasn’t raining. I realized what I was doing. I was trying to do too much. I was still trying to fish both boats. I wasn’t planning on quitting Lacie Belle. I was going to do both.
I reflected back on my past and how many times that workaholism had made me miserable. Here I am doing it again. I decided to give him notice. I would finish crabbing and sail on. I instantly felt relieved. I slept on it and felt even better about it. We did our cod trip. I never got a minute alone with him to tell him.
Then he tells us we are going on a bottom fish trip the next. He brings Tweaky. Once again, tweaky is spun, and sneaking hits off his meth pipe. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Its beyond annoying. This guy is so spun that he thinks his obvious tricks to sneak hits off his meth pipe work. Both Matt and I are fed up with Tweaky. His presence on that deck kills morale.
I think Skipper likes him on the boat because he can yell at him all the time and he takes it. Listening to him get yelled at all day gets old. It reminds me of the prison ship. Joel yelling at Leo all day and Leo being miserable to work with.
Matts been indifferent to me since I bought the boat. We still work well together but our bond isn’t the same. He is moody. I’m tired of dealing with his moods.
Skipper pissed him off the other day too. Skipper may find himself finishing crab season with Tweaky if he doesn’t chill out. His drunken behavior has caused the entire crew to walk in the past. I think that’s when Tweaky started fishing with him. After a crew walked.
The day skippers drinking got him arrested…
It was a bad weather break. That morning we had crab to deliver at 10AM. When I got there, he was drunk. but he wasn’t being mean. Mr. Hyde didn’t show up until after I left. He was being really nice to me. He congratulated me about buying Keta. He told me I was one of the toughest people he had ever met, and we had the best crab opener he ever had.
He told me he would help me, but also told me how I would have to help him too. It’s going to be a lot of work, but he thinks I can do it. He starts talking about halibut and tuna fishing for him and how it has to take priority. I’m thinking I’m halibut and tuna fishing on my boat. He was drunk and being a little cocky. I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to finish my work duties and go home.
He also had this “motivational” speech he said he had been working on. “We can turn a great season into an epic season! We have to stay motivated and move some gear.”. “Sounds good! I’m in! Let’s do it!” was my reply.
I went home to get ready for another grind. He went out and wreaked havoc and got arrested.
It completely killed our momentum, and it hasn’t been good since.
He was talking like he wanted to take a month off because of his legal problems. It never happened. Instead, we crabbed around his schedule. Taking two days instead of one to run gear. The crab are getting harder and harder to catch, because most of the crab have been caught.
I’m ready to stack out and call it a season.
I still haven’t got all the details of what he did. All I know is that he made a giant ass out of himself in a way that only alcoholics do. He was beaten down and remorseful. He was quitting drinking forever. I don’t think he made it a week. My buddy Mike was still on the boat. Mikes not the person you need to be hanging out with if you’re trying to quit drinking. I’ve been there done that.
Mike got into drinking related trouble and has to go through a court appointed program to get his sentence reduced. Diversion is what it’s called. No drinking, no drugs. He made it three days and has been on a self-destructive bender for a couple of weeks.
Spending this crab season around these guys has made drinking very unattractive for me. I have no cravings or desire. Not drinking has been really easy. I like it this way! Its new. I hope it lasts.
I kinda regret not quitting 100% yesterday. Now that I reflect on this.
I’m ready to fish by myself for a while.
@Mno It does feel like the universe want this for me. I just need to keep doing the next right thing.
@Lisa07 I read this entire thread this morning. Some of my posts made me laugh. The one where I said I could gut my ex-sister-in-law like a fish if I wouldn’t get in trouble for it made me laugh. She still isn’t my favorite person, but I don’t think I could gut her like a fish anymore. Growth! You have been in my corner the whole time. At my best and at my worst. I appreciate you!
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Like we all do Jason. I find it really interesting and encouraging that although we travel total different paths I see some striking similarities in our recoveries. Especially in the way we handle ourselves and our relationships to others.
I feel (an that’s already one striking difference to before, I always wrote ‘I think…’ , and unwittingly I changed to using I feel) that the biggest change I made is I’m finally learning to feel. To know what is going on inside of me, to be able to feel beyond the huge knot of anxiety that occupied my whole body, mind and soul for years and years.
I actually can discern my feelings and thus my motivations too now. So that, instead of avoiding confrontations at all costs, and only fighting when I was drunk, I can now actually have a confrontation (still learning of course) without running away from it or confronting way to hard. And make some progress.
Because I can see and understand myself better now I can see others motivations and feelings better too. Find common ground and/or at least set healthy boundaries for myself and others. HUGE gain. I think (sic) we are both learning to feel. And that’s great. Thanks for sharing. Love your journey.
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After reading your post, I want to share today’s meditation and prayer from 24 hours a day
Meditation for the Day
I will try to be unruffled, no matter what happens. I will keep my emotions in check, although others about me are letting theirs go. I will keep calm in the face of disturbance; keep that deep, inner calm through all the experiences of the day. In the rush of work and worry, the deep, inner silence is necessary to keep me on an even keel. I must learn to take the calm with me into the most hurried days.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may be still and commune with God. I pray that I may learn patience, humility, and peace.
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I’ve been making the most of my time off. I caught up on my sleep, been eating good.
I’ve got my auto pilot ordered. It’s a couple of weeks out. The lumber I need to make a few upgrades is ordered. Fiberglass materials ordered. I’m getting a new radar, with the latest weather watching technology. It’s forecasts everything. Wind, swell. I will always know what’s coming.
The latest fishfinder/depthsounder.
And gear… Salmon, tuna, longline. Luck favors the prepared!
I’m modifying my longline into a one man operation. I’m really excited about this. When Im fishing for black cod, I will be looking for where the Halibut live. I will be ready for halibut.
I’m going to be ready to chase those salmon wherever they are.
I’m so ready to be self employed!
I hope Skipper makes me this cake! 
Im feeling really good today!
@SinceIAwoke, That meditation is spot on for what Im going through. Thanks!
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Checking in and staying connected.
We ran our crab gear a few days ago. There were more crabs in there than I wanted . It was our best pull in three weeks. Im so ready for this season to end.
Skippers been easier to work with. He still drinking low key. I smell it and see the empty beer cans when I take the trash off the boat. I realize that his recovery is none of my business. It is only because I work for him and I never really know what to expect. I’m ready to close this season out and get completely out from underneath him.
I worry that better crab is going to make him want to keep crabbing. I’ve got all my ducks in a row for the remaining work I need to do on my boat. I have the auto pilot, new electronics and lumber and fiberglass materials ready to order and be delivered. It’s a solid weeks worth of work and I could be making more money on my boat than the percentage I get on his boat crabbing this late into the season. I want it delivered and to be able to work on it every day until its done. I don’t want it delivered and sitting there while I’m fishing and can’t make a schedule to do it. Things disappear from the dock that just sit around. I can sleep on the boat to guard it while Im working on it until I get it all installed and secured.
I’m getting burned out. I’ve been grinding almost nonstop since mid-November. I have had a few days off before I got my boat. Since then, I have been working nonstop. I rested yesterday. I forced myself to not do anything physical. I worked on my videos and photos. I like doing that, but even that’s starting to feel like work. I guess it is because I’m trying to become professional.
This came up on my YouTube feed today.
It resonated with me.
13:30 -16:25 Especially, although the entire film hit home with me.
Looking back, I have accidentally hit the burn out phase hard many times. Im doing it again now. Addiction comes in many forms.
Workaholism… I have that. It was a significant factor in my big relapse. When The economy shifted in 2002 I was in full blown workaholism. When everything I put all that effort into failed due to circumstances well beyond my control it shattered me. I was reading everything self-help I could get my hands on. I was doing everything he described in this documentary. following the gurus. attending workshops. Getting my dopamine in the form of accomplishments.
I wasn’t drinking. It led me to a seemingly hopeless state of mind. Very similar to alcoholism. It also fed my " if this is as good as it gets, I might as well drink" thoughts.
I escaped reality as much as I could through my camera lens. I continued to find other workaholic opportunities that lead to the same place.
Years after I had started drinking again an opportunity fell into my lap. I thought it was my golden ticket.
Cannabis was being legalized. Some friends with money wanted to start up dispensaries and a farm. They invited me in on it. I built it from the ground up. I worked 16-20 hours a day for three years. It failed because of corruption on the dispensary management side of things. She embezzled all the tax money and my friends with money lost interest because they were losing money. All my effort was for nothing.
I was drinking. I almost drank myself to death when it went belly up. That was when I started trying to get sober again. That was five years ago.
I’m trying to create an easier lifestyle. I feel like I’m getting closer… I’ve been working myself to death getting there.
I haven’t heard from skipper today. I think another day of rest is needed tomorrow. The weather looks fishable. He must have something he needs to do. Thats how it works when you’re a deck hand on a high liner boat. I can’t schedule my own needs. I need to get to the dentist. Another reason I’ve been waiting to finish crab season. I have to travel, and I want to get it all done at once. It’s going to be extensive and painful. I need a week. maybe two for that.
…
I feel a little better venting here. I’ve slept well and eaten good today. My anxiety is still higher than I’d like it to be…
Breathe… It’s going to be alright…
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Glad you got this offs your chest Jason. Take care of yourself.
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That’s a lot you are dealing with all at the same time. I send you strenght and good vibes that all will turn out to be ok. ODDAT and remember: You and your sobriety come first, check out H.A.L.T. before you run into a burnout
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I feel better this morning. I allowed myself to sleep in. I woke up early and thought about all the things I need to do or should do and reminded myself to take a break, I went back to sleep and slept four more hours.
There isn’t anything that can’t wait another day. The weather is nice. It’s a rare day off the water during nice weather without hearing from work. It’s going to be a good day!
I’m so close to being another step closer towards the direction I want to go with life. I needed to remind myself. Just because my workaholism feels similar to the past doesn’t mean it is.
In the past I never had goals to slow down. I do now. A few more weeks… Don’t crack now!
I haven’t had any self-destructive drinking thoughts for months. I haven’t been tempted to drink. I’m doing something right. My co-workers help me see how lucky I am to have escaped that lifestyle. Soon, I can observe from a distance. I’m sure that will be better than having their alcoholic lifestyle trickle down and disrupt my serenity.
I’m still angry at skipper for going off the deep end drinking and killing our momentum crabbing. Why do I feel so obligated to help him finish the season? Your only as strong as your weakest link on a crab boat. Active alcoholism created our weakest link. I have mine in remission. I can’t do anything for his other than live by example. I can do that from a distance.
Maybe I should just quit and focus on me. I have a lot to think about.
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Skipper called. He had court yesterday. He has to spend some time in the grey bar hotel.
We are stacking out starting Thursday. Next week I get my freedom! I feel so much better!
We had a good heart to heart conversation too. I will be leaving on good terms. That makes me feel good too. As a drunk I held things in until I was drunk enough to explode like a dormant volcano. Leaving on good terms was rare.
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That’s growth and change huh!.. I see loads of this in posts lately…it’s inspiring 
🫂
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It’s been a good day. I’m feeling pretty high on life today.
It’s been good catching up on the forum today. So many milestones from amazing people!
Physically I’m tired, a little sore, but I’m already feeling better. Its hurricane conditions outside today. Blowing 60-70, raining sideways. Perfect weather to rest. It’s warm and dry in my home. I’ve been napping a lot today.
This was taken yesterday morning.
I got to the boat a little early and set up the camera and put on my head cam. I didn’t ask for permission. I filmed our last day. Previous employer didn’t say anything. I went with it.
I’m really glad I got this shot. I’m awe inspired every time I go through the gate. Incredible ocean conditions. Perfect weather for a boat load of gear.
I have a strong nature connection. I do my best thinking when I’m enjoying a moment of natures beauty. Thats the reason I love this shot. I remember what I was thinking.
Five days ago, I had the worst anxiety attack since I was in Utah summer before last. It happened on my boat. Impending doom anxiety. I was full of self-doubt. Having vivid flashbacks to some very painful experiences. I got overwhelmed and had to lay down. It didn’t help much. I was doing anxiety breathing exercises. It helped a little. It was cold so I went home and ate, got warm and slept.
I drifted pretty far off the grid during my eight-year relapse. Being self-employed again means I have a lot of things to do and take care of. Thinking about It brought back a lot of memories.
It’s all things I’ve worked on. I sometimes get frustrated that trauma from my past still has power over me.
It was this moment that I took my confidence back. I reminded myself that I just need to do the next right thing and it will work out. Nothing is ever as hard or horrible as I imagine it to be. I’ve heard it said many times that alcoholics make mountains out of mole hills. I’m good at that.
I moved here when I had two years of sobriety. I decided I didn’t want be a contractor anymore. I hated living in SLC Utah and the stressful rat race. I wanted to be a fishing guide and artist. I had no idea what medium of art I wanted to do. I loved the idea of being an artist on the Oregon Coast.
I ended up starting a construction company. Thats where I messed up. That and marrying the wrong girl. I stuck with what I knew, I had a family to take care of.
My business did great. I was sober and making more money than I ever had. I wanted to buy a boat. I had learned about commercial fishing permits. I wanted a nearshore permit. They were ten thousand dollars then. Now they are thirty-five thousand if you can find one for sale.
I had my eye on a brand-new boat. I needed a loan to buy it. I qualified, but If I bought the boat I wouldn’t qualify to buy a house. I had a family. I went for the house. I messed up.
When the economy crashed in 2008 My construction company ate shit and I lost everything. Had I bought the boat and permit, I would have been OK financially. Id most likely have a big boat fully permitted by now.
Hindsight being 20/20.
I took the dirt road to get here, but I did it. I’m now an artist with several mediums I enjoy and a commercial fishing boat owner. I realized I had made my dream come true in that photo. I got my confidence back and put my past behind me.
I wouldn’t have done it if I was still drinking. I’d most likely be dead or in very poor health if I was still drinking. Hindsight being 20/20.
I also realized that I need to take care of some things I’ve been procrastinating in order to keep my serenity and stay comfortable in recovery. I’m a work in progress.
It’s time to do some more work!
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Your story is amazing and you indeed are an artist!
I wish you all the best in your life 
Very well done getting through lots of 
without drinking 
Also, thanks for sharing. Your determination and mindset are inspiring You seem like a person of action, not the one who cried over the life they have rather than changing something… It’s not your case and I always admired people like you. It’s not many of us who take responsibility for their own life.
Again, very well done, it’s awesome to watch your journey and very pleasant to look at your stunning photos 
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Thank you Jana!