Your Welcome!
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Really nice to hear what’s been going on for you. I’ll admit I haven’t been to your YT in a long time so I’m looking forward to checking it out again!
I agree with @Mno regarding staying connected to a recovery community. You don’t even need to put in much time for it to bring a sense of connection, at least that’s my experience. Wishing you a great crabbing season!
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Its hard to believe its 1321 days since I put down the booze. Since I came too, on the hotel floor to the aftermath of my final relapse.
I remember exactly how I felt, and how absolutely disgusted with myself I was.
Although, I wish that never happened. Im grateful to remember it so vividly. I have no doubt that it wouldn’t take me very long to find that place again, if i was foolish enough to take that first drink.
Reflecting back on how far Ive come, all the changes I have made.
I found this place coming off of a nasty bender. It was horrible. Im lucky to be alive. It was the relapse before my final relapse. Same thing. I accidentally did a bunch of drugs on that one. That was terrifying!
That makes me think of all the previous times I accidentally took my drinking to the edge of life or death.
Thinking about it now. I feel like the luckiest guy I know in regard to alcoholic survival stories.
Last summer at this time I manifested what felt like all my dreams coming true.
I quit a toxic job.
I focused on me and my art. I worked really hard on my youtube channel. It took a year and a half to get 600 subscribers. A year later. I’m close to 91,000.
Im not making money, its feeling like it was a bad investment of time and money. But I also feel like I cant give up because I have worked so hard.
Its been good for my recovery. It gave me something positive to spend my beer money on. Helped me fill the drinking time with someting positive.
I havent been feeling it lately. It gives me anxiety.
I had the worst crab season. I got on the wrong boat. It broke down during the opener. The owner is old and not nearly as ambitious and my toxic employers.
Daves a great guy. Easy to work with/for. It just wasnt money maker. This looked like a good opportunity and it was until the boat broke during the time we needed it most.
Matts relapsed. He just disappeared a month ago. A few months ago while the boat was broke down He was in his truck and i came up. He was nodded off. He acted weird. I didnt see the drugs so i wasnt 100 percent, but someone else I know told me they caught him too. And his behavior has been straight out of shit people do when they relapse. Vanished… poof! He didnt tell either owner of the boat we fished. He didnt tell me. He didnt get his gear off either boat. He left a huge mess on both of them. Dissapeared… gone…
This really saddens me. Hes been a pillar for me.
The way he left cost me my easy summer job. Im really disappointed. I invested into that gig. I’m fishing the boat tomorrow. with a new guy. So im trying to stay positive about that.
This month every single opportunity i have had to make money has fallen out from under me.
So, Im broke. My bills are all due in 11 days and Ive been down at the dock pretty much non stop the last few days looking for work.
There arent any open spots on money makers.
Previous toxic employer is on vacation. Im considering hitting him up when I see him.
That gives me anxiety.
Either way. Anxiety if he says yes. Anxiety about my bills if he says no. I was never broke when I fished with him.
He wasnt nearly as toxic as the employer before him.
Remember Leo from that gig? He Quit. He was going to come fill in for Matt. I cannot work with Leo.
They closed Salmon fishing this year. So me buying this salmon troller isnt feeling like the smartest investment either. It sure felt good buying it, but it sure has been giving me alot of anxiety lately.
This crab season didnt help my boat…
I slept at the dock last night to insure that I wasnt late. All of my hope filled options fell through, and I have no opportunities to make a dollar.
A year ago, I felt invincable, today not so much. I feel vunerable and scared. I fear losing everything again. I lost everything sober before. Im getting older and it makes me worry even more.
My alcoholism is trying every trick it knows to get me to give up.
Ive come to far… im so grateful that I have all those horrible memories i have and how vivid they are in regards to me drinking.
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I’m sorry to hear this, Jason. I just said this morning (my plans fell through) “living life on life’s terms, indeed.”
Can you call some of the bill collectors and get an extension? I know you’ll get on the other side of this.
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Things aren’t behind yet, but time flies and im scared. I just have to keep myself available. And hope for the best.
Its been one thing after another. Thanks for being here!
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I saw that your getting some medical work done. Speedy recovery!
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It just got pushed to next Monday. 
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Im sure its stressful! Sending anti stress vibes your way.
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Damn that makes me sad to hear for you. You are putting your all into your life. Sometimes I know life is just really hard and sucks. I know this and you know that drinking or using at it won’t make it any easier or solve any issue. That is one thing I definitely know. I like Donna’s idea of calling and seeing if you can make some adjustments on your bills, all they can say is no. Now I read you aren’t at that point yet, so that is a plus. Glad you got it off your chest here…keep pushing forward. Sometimes this stuff happens for a reason we don’t understand til later. You have a lot to be proud of, don’t ever forget that.
Ps…sending positive juju your way.
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Thank you!
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Really glad you came here to talk about it. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out well lately. As Donna said, life on life’s terms and they aren’t always pretty. You’re working your hardest and you can get creative on how you make it through this rough patch, I’m sure of it. Hang in there. 
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Thank you.
I feel a little better putting it out there. I will stay connected.
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Youtube is so cheap. With 91k subscribers they should be paying you something.
Have you considered other paths that don’t involve fishing? I’m in that boat myself. Considering doing things I didn’t do before just to make some money even if it’s temporary. Factories are always looking for help and usually hire you on the spot. Some of them pay well with overtime available.
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Sorry for the tough times Jason. Glad to see you here friend. You know the deal. Don’t go it alone. Good times and bad ones. Keep working your stuff.
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I’m happy to see you around allthough it breakes my heart to hear about things falling apart. Congratulations on your 1300+ days sober
I can’t provide help or advise but I can express gratitude. I still have many of your posts bookmarked and read them regularly. Following your journey has helped and impressed me in many ways and still does 
When times are rough keep going because the tide will turn. I’m sure life will come up with solutions and opportunities because you are open minded and work on your life and yourself.
As it comes to anxiety. I do so much understand you, my life got unmanageable and broke apart last year. This gave me months of massive existential anxiety. The issues are still there waiting to be solved. My anxiety is mostly gone. I worked with babysteps through myself and my life terms. Many babysteps add up a long way.
Keep connected, we are here for you. Sending you strength and a virtual bundle of strong, healthy nerves 
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It sucks to hear that you’re struggling buddy. You have been a pillar and an example the whole time I’ve been on TS.
I think Sassy said it best, sometimes things just suck.
Just know that we’re all here for you and I know you’ll get through this rough patch and be better for it.
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Hey Jason.
Glad you checked in. Sorry things seem to be shit for you at the moment. Some unfortunate happenings for you there.
It kind of reminds me of my son after he got some sober time after his relapse. He would say Dad, “I’ll figure it out.” Not sure how that helps you at all. But that’s what we do.
Keep checking in when your up to it. You’ve always been a rock for my sobriety.
Appreciate you tons.
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I really needed to read this today. Financial desperation kicks my ass every time I let it. I really needed to see that I am not alone in it. I appreciate you, Jason.
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Im glad I made the post. I’ve started a few but I’ve been feeling so anxious, that I kept getting sidetracked and not finishing them.
I felt a wave of relief when i did and was so quickly getting positive feedback.
I was feeling really discouraged. I heard the crane, and saw someone I used to fish for. He isnt clean, and I hate that. Its not my first choice for work, but I ended up going, and I made an easy 100 bucks. He wants me to fish with him again. Its enough work to guarantee, I wont lose my place. Its easy, fun fishing too.
I have a spot on another boat tomorrow. It could lead to me running a boat. That would be ideal.
Solution feels like it has started. My anxiety is tolerable
Last year was strange. I was so excited to be free and stepping back into being self employed again. It was nice to slow down.
Ive been a workaholic and always had demanding jobs. It was hard to give myself permission to slow down.
I didnt really slow down. I just started doing different thing’s. Figuring YouTube out. Better editing. I became obsessed. the results were good!
Working with Matt on Daves boat came along. It felt like the perfect gig for me, and it was.
Im still scarred from losing everything sober before. The economy crashed, there was no work. I lost the ability to pay my mortgage. I was the hardest working guy I knew and I ended up homeless losing everything.
It scarred me deep, reflecting on it after being on the water i see it clearly.
If it feels like the past I drag the past into the present. I do it in relationships of all types. Personal amd professional. Im very aware of this, and I work really hard on it.
It still gets me.
Now that I got a little taste of solution. I feel much better.
It was a beautiful day, and we fished close to Island Rock i saw Puffins its pretty rare to see puffins here. A giant 2000 pound sea lion was following us around for a while. I got a nature fix.
They made me grateful to be clean. I knew him before he got strung out. It pretty sad. His parents own the boats. They are the only reason he hasn’t lost it all. They are good people. they’ve always treated me fair.
@Sonny YouTube is hard. Its hard to figure out. As far as channel growth and statistics compared to other fishing channels I’m killin it! 3 of my viral videos were released on the same day. They blew up and I made some money. Since then nothings gone viral. A few thousand views and they fade away. Why three videos went super viral on the same day is strange. Better videos haven’t done much. Ill keep trying. A year ago getting 1000 subscribers seemed impossible.
I am willing to do whatever work I need to. I’m a carpenter. This is a small town there’s not much construction going on. I love fishing. The thought of working construction or anything else gives me anxiety. I invested so much time and energy into construction. That was where I lost everything. Sober.
Thanks Mno! I always appreciate your support.
This has been hitting me hard the last few days my alcoholism magnifying it. Making me feel worthless. Self inflicted judge jury and executioner. I’ve been mostly feeling good about myself this last year
I have issues waiting to be solved too.
@Nordique Thanks!
Thanks @Dazercat! Thats what we do. its good advice. giving up is not an option!
@EarnIt I appreciate you!
Dude just cancelled on me to fish tomorrow. He knows I’m starving. It pisses me off. We are on for Wednesday. The boat I fished today is fishing Wednesday. So I’m not going to give up my feeling a little better thing I have going on. I haven’t been sleeping good. I’m tired. im going to be able to sleep better tonight.
Some of the best advise I ever got when my world crumbled was to focus on the solution before bed instead of the problems. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. I can do that tonight! Thanks!
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