I fell asleep fast after I posted, and I slept really good. I over slept. Its ok. I needed it.
I feel much better. Much calmer. This last year after quitting working for Nick I have been sleeping good. I take naps if I’m home editing videos or painting. Good sleep. I love and appreciate good sleep.
I haven’t had to work for more than 24 hours straight since I quit. That has to be a record for me as far as good sleep goes.
I haven’t slept much for a week or so since work became hard to find.
Just having the Sea Hunt gig in my back pocket is HUGE relief!
The Sea hunt it a small boat. 26 feet. I think she was built in 1984. She was expensive. She cost more than a brand new Ferrari. She was designed and built in Australia. For surf and rescue. She was built to face huge breaking waves and rescue people. Her hull is very unique and stable. I fished this boat for a couple of years. Its the funnest boat I’ve ever been on. It was the funnest job I ever had. This boat fishes tough.
I was a couple of years into my relapse and I was in wreckless mode. We didn’t do drugs. I was drinking like a fish. I was still hiding behind the illusion that as long as I’m not doing drugs, I’m good During that time I was in tremendous emotional turmoil. I had a Chainsaw carving studio I struggled to pay the rent on and The Sea Hunt helped me pay my rent, and kept me drunk. Fun fishing was a bonus.
I left to fish bigger boats and make more money.
I was crabbing out of town when I got the news…
The Sea Hunt was capsized on our North Beach. The North Beach is a dangerous beach with a steep sandy beach face and heavy surf. Tourist die on this beach almost every year.
There were 3 people on board. My buddy and my replacement and his girlfriend. My buddy was able to save the girl and somehow make it to shore. My replacement was tangled in some gear, and he told my buddy to leave him and get the girl. He was never seen again. His body was never recovered.
The boat washed up onshore and was salvaged. the cabin took a lot of damage and still shows the scars. Its very different from when I fished on her. Its eerie. I have a very visual mind and its hard for me to not fully immerse myself imagining the scenario of that day.
My buddy got strung out after that. It would be really hard to live with all of that.
He is a huge guy and he lost a ton of weight. He has gained a lot back. He needed to lose weight for his heath. He lost so much it was shocking. It made it obvious he was on the Jennie Crank Diet plan.
He has gained a lot back. Not as big as he was big. like 400 pounds big. he used be bigger.
I fished with him 3 or 4 times last summer. He never acted spun, and he wasn’t spun yesterday. Some people hide it good. I don’t know.
The gear and the boat have very tweaky looking work on it. His helper is a known druggie. I’m 90 percent sure he was high. The people they talked about are all part of the tweaky crowd. I don’t know most of them personally. Its a small town. I’ve lived here a long time. I’ve avoided that crowd.
They talked a lot of shit about Fetty junkies, other deckhand told me five of his friends have Overdosed on that shit. Fentanyl is here… Wide open on the beautiful Oregon Coast.
I wouldn’t dare to touch a street drug today. I’m so grateful I’m clean! I’m grateful I don’t get drunk and accidently do lines or smoke puddles at the bar. Its been over four years since that happened. I remember how I felt after that happened. The impending doom anxiety, was 100 times worse than the anxiety I had yesterday morning. and Detox began… So grateful to not be starting detox today!
I downloaded the app a couple of months before that happened. I started using it then. You guys have been helping me save my ass for over four years! 
its paralyzing sometimes. The negative self thinking gets louder. Its scary. I try to be productive and I cant focus. Its like I’m spun. then I get even more frustrated. Negative self talk get louder. I get frustrated, inner alcoholic shows up with its brilliantly destructive ideas… I’m grateful to have some relief today.
Its been hard. The loss. They way he did it. Every time I tell people why I’m not working that gig anymore. As I tell the story i always include that if it was anyone else I’d be fighting mad, talking shit. Everyone says “you guys worked good together” We did. We ran gear fast. Conditions are always changing out there. You get in sync with each other. We clicked. We were both clean and sober. It was us Vs them. This is huge for me to be wary of.
I have to be careful of current gig too. Last summer we talked about him getting clean. I thought maybe the universe it doing this to me. To help him. It could easily go the other way.
I’m grateful your part of it!
I have experiment with that. Clickbait pisses people off. I started making merch. and I’m really close to having it available, but I ran out of money because of this unexpected bump in the road. In my YouTube journey I keep collection monthly subscriptions. the first one was a music one. Then I got another one. then I got a tube buddy subscription to help me quickly use keywords and hashtags. I’ve tried several voice over app and ended up loving one called eleven labs. When steady paychecks are coming in I don’t even notice or care about the expense. I’ve had to let them expire each one hurt a little, a couple I’ve become reliant on. there is a subscription fee for the website to sell my merch on.
I’m selling a little of my merch on the dock today. I made a huge range of swimbaits and jigs that work really good to sell off Youtube. I also need to invest in packaging, its not a huge expense, but broke is broke.
I’m not giving up. I’m going to get that 100,000 subscriber plaque to hang on my wall. So close yet so far!
This!! This thinking was a huge factor in my ten year relapse. The benefits if getting and staying sober were so good that when life on life’s terms came on so harshly I felt like sobriety was a punishment. what’s the point of being sober. I’m a responsible, hardworking, sober, member of society and I lost everything. what’s the point? My inner alcoholic played that card. Its been trying again. Every trick in the book. Same old tricks, and some new ones. Newer versions of old tricks. Self Loathing version 4.7
I’m glad things have gotten better Its terrifying when its goes south. I cant work like I have been much longer. I was beat up as a carpenter. I was hoping last year would retire my crab fishing.
Its it hard. Continuous recovery is hard. I had some smooth sailing. Tie everything down! Its getting rough again! Everything’s going to be alright!
We used a parachute to slow us down on out drift. He was fascinated by this. He hung out close for a while. He kept looking at us like he wanted to join us on board. Fortunately. he didn’t.
It sure helps put things into perspective. Thank you!
