Venting here.
I was late picking up my daughter from school who lives a 5 minute drive from my parents house.
I asked them to get her for 3.10 and Ill get her from theirs cause I was running 20 minutes late.
When I arrive my dad is bouncing off to walls (literally) and acting loud and playful which is his drunk default.
And my mum was open mouthed breathing, eyes goggly and chewing her tongue. My mums drunk trait.
They just picked up my daughter from school in that state.
They had hid all evidence alcohol in the cupboard.
Im just in like rage shock.
I grew up with them heavily drinking. āfunctioning alcoholicā as I call them cause they at least paid the bills and ran a house.
But emotionally they were never around I never wanted to be home because of there drunk behaviour. And physically they were never there for me and I was alone alot.
And in that moment of seeing them I felt about 10 again. I couldnāt confront it I couldnt do anything. And I didnāt. I ignored there behaviour like it wasnāt happening and left with my kids.
I feel so angry I didnāt stand up to them. They put my child my reason for living in a dangerous position. They acted like fools in front of a 12 year old girl and yet I just ignored it and left.
I would of never of asked them to pick up my daughter if I thought they would of started drinking. I thought they only started drinking in the evenings to be honest cause its what they tell me. I just feels so flipping naive when it comes to them and just freeze and become a kid.
I feel iv let my daughter down. Iām angry she was around them like that.
I know moving forward Iām never asking them for a favour again. Iām also not visiting their house after lunch because I donāt want my family around it.
Question is do I confront them? And how do I cause there just get offended and act cold with me and I struggle with wanting their approval and acceptance.
Also I donāt know if anything will come of it even if I do. They just donāt seem to have any guilt.
I just donāt know whether to make my boundaries with them and live my own life and never speak of it again.
I feel so guilty for my daughter. And itās eating at me she saw them like it.
Megan i am so sorry you found yourself in this situation.
Dont feel bad about not confronting them- im sure they wouldnt have obsorbed your words in the drunk state.
Its hard to not have the support of your parents. Harder yet to see your parents putting your kids lives in danger.
I would find a time when they are sober (or atleast coherent) and tell them that you want to talk to them - lay out your reason for your anger and frustrations. Let them know that they will never be asked to take care of their grandkids due to the irresponsible behaviour displayed. Do be prepared that you may not get the response you desire. You should go in accepting this.
Dont beat yourself (easier said than done) up about having leaned on your parents for help. Be thankful nothing serious happened. Look at this situation as an eye opener for yourself.
Iām sorry youāre going through this Megan. I know how you are feeling. Well, I donāt know how frighten and angry you feel about your child being driven by someone who is drunk. Thatās frightening and unacceptable behavior.
On how to deal with alcoholic loved ones, I can relate to everything else you written.
Itās real hard dealing with your alcoholic loved one.
Iāve been going to Al-Anon to help me deal with my alcoholic loved one. Learning to set boundaries. Unfortunately I donāt always keep them. But Iām getting better. Itās just so fucken hard. And with your child involved you must be so angry.
Thereās a pretty good thread on here.
I donāt know if youāve seen it. You are definitely not alone.
What a scary situation. Glad to hear your kids are safe.
Confronting anyone while theyāre drunk is never the answer so you did the right thing by leaving. Talk with them when theyāre sober and stand up for you and your kids. They need to know how angry you are with their irresponsible behavior. Thatās when you can also set boundaries. Their drunk behavior needs to have consequences and they need to hear those consequences. If itās not seeing their grandchildren then so be it but make it very clear why. I know I would have carried on with my drinking if I was never subject to any consequences. Thatās what got me sober and hopefully it will work for them too.
I had that encounter with my dad and his brothers. I made it quite clear they will never do that again. I told them i donāt care if they hurt themselves but if they en be hurt my child i was going to make sure they never hurt anyone again. At your boundaries and maybe change your support people for a starter. I know thatās not an easy task. But give it a try
Megan, that sounds like a terrible situation to be put in. Iām sorry your parents did that and endangered your child. I agree with the others about talking to them when they arenāt drunk. I find writing out my thoughts before having an important conversation really helps me. It helps get all my thoughts in order and helps me decide the points I want to include.
Iām not a parent but if that happened to me as a kid I would want a conversation with my parent. Maybe just comfort her and let her know you wonāt let that happen again.
Boundaries with your parents sound like a must but that is up to you. I wish you the best in this
Thankyou to everyone who replied. Iv taken it all and and thinking of my next steps with them. And to be honest and wonāt be the most popular vote but I wonāt be confronting them.
Me and my siblings numerous times over the years have confronted/got angry/expressed concerned/ cried the works really and its never changed anything. Their in such denial even been held accountable has very little effect. They donāt see my brother and his children and my sister checks in on them monthly during safer time frames.
I never saw their drinking going to this extreme though where they would do something like this and left me feeling more angry with myself more than anything.
Iv know them to drink daily but mostly the trashed part is in the evening.
And when they have day drank in the past they would say canāt come cause there over the limit ect.
There just slowly getting sicker. Their retired now so I guess thatās the problem. Itās getting earlier more often but I didnāt think they would be that irresponsible and stupid.
There becoming more sneaky now too. My mum tries to water flush her system before diabetes blood tests and you find hidden alcohol from my dad all over the house.
Iām angry I didnāt see this coming cause its the nature of the disease. It just takes more and more. I thought yes their alcoholics but they have their limits.
Clearly have much to learn! I will be checking out the support for families of alcoholics cause despite struggling myself and knowing iam a alcoholic and mirroring my parents, I donāt know how to approach them. Theyv pulled the wool over my eyes since I was young and got humiliated if I expressed anything itās become a bit of just look the other way to get through.
Iv learnt my lessons, setting new boundaries with me and the kids and going to check out the support thread for now. I canāt be their help and take on 2 grown adults 40 years addictions alone. I need a bit more back up and knowledge to try see if I can get them to help themselves. Thankyou everyone and sorry for my rambling!
Yes this is great.
Protecting me children and my sobriety at all cost would be my highest priority. āConfrontingā feels like a very harsh word to me. Every once and a while I ātalkā to my wife. My alcoholic. And as I mentioned I go to Al-Anon meetings. Iām handling it better. Iām feeling better. I still struggle. But I knowā¦. I canāt control it
I didnāt cause it
I canāt cure it.
Saying NO is difficult for me but itās also very powerful.
I like the Courage To Change daily reader.
āIf Iām focusing on the alcoholic, Iām not focusing on myself.ā Or my sobriety.
Megan, Iām so sorry to hear how irresponsible and dangerous your parents have been. I would feel the exact same way as you. The most important thing is that your child is safe now, and you need to decide what happens next. I would ask someone else to collect your child if youāre ever delayed for any reason.
If I may be very honest? I donāt believe confronting your parents will be of any benefit. You said discussions have been had with them over their drinking on several occasions. I really donāt see that they are going to change.
I know behind it all you love your parents, but they have made a choice to live the way that they do, and they are in no way apologetic about it. Youāre wasting your time trying to get them to understand what they did was wrong.
In your shoes, Iād only see them as often as your sister does (once a month), just to check in on them. Iād also make sure they are sober at the time too. You cannot fix them. They should be ashamed, but they wonāt see it that way. Drinkers defend their drinking first, itās a very selfish addiction.
My stance on it would be, āthey let me down during my childhood, I wonāt let them do the same to my childrenā. Protect your own sobriety, and you should lead your children by example. I wouldnāt want their attitude to alcohol or their behaviour to rub off on my kids, so Iād keep my distance.
I hope youāre okay, and over the initial shock of it all. I was gobsmacked reading your post, but Iām glad your child is okay. Sending you big hugs Megan
It sounds like you do need to confront them about this incident and a lot of things from the past. If it stays all bottled up it will consume you emotionallyā¦
I understand this may seem like the right thing to do, but in this case, Meganās parents are in full alcoholism mode and wouldnāt likely be able to have any reasonable discussion with her. In fact, it might just cause Megan more pain.
Folks, the grandparents are examples of the progressive nature of this disease. Life wasted away. Not able to be the parents AND grandparents they could have been. This is the devastation that is alcoholism.
Megan, Iām so sorry. You are a courageous momma who is breaking the alcoholic cycle in your family. You chose the path less traveled. Courage. Strength. Resilience. Iām glad you are here.
This is almost identical to the stuff Iāve been navigating as well. In fact Iām so hyped up reading this that Iām going to come back and have a thorough read through this thread later.
As a general rule itās a good idea to give yourself some breathing space, particularly at a time like this. You do not have to deal with it right away.
Sending hugs because I can imagine how you must be feeling.
I feel like they are so far down the alcoholism road, with no intention of coming back. I donāt believe they will say -
āWe are sorry for driving your child home drunk, and putting her in danger. It will never happen againā
I think itās more likely to be -
āWe are sorry you feel that way.ā
Then carry on as they were. There have been discussions before, I do not feel like they will see the error of their ways. I just think that Megan should focus on raising her kids outside of their grandparents shadow of alcoholism. Her duty is to look after her kids and herself first. Not fighting an already lost battle with her parents.
You may want to consider going to ACA (adult children of alcoholics). I havenāt been myself but Iāve heard great things from others who have. https://adultchildren.org/
We can get sober, but it doesnāt happen overnight. It doesnāt happen because someone else wants it to happen. Try applying that to your parents, maybe.
Remember that the most important thing about your parentsā alcoholism is that it is theirs. You donāt need to build a case against them when youāre trying to grow your own sobriety.
Your renewed commitment to setting boundaries with them may be hard to enforce for yourself, but it will be worth it. Start with this: Asking them to pick up your child from school isnāt worth your worry and outrage. I know you can find another way, no matter the cost.
It wasnāt confronting them so much over their drinking. Itās their life and iv always let them carry on with it. It was more putting my daughter in danger. If they want to drink they can crack on but it crossed a line when they drunk drove my daughter and naively of me I didnāt expect their drinking habits to spill out quite to that extent.
It was more going to a case of ādrink as much as you like but donāt get the car with my kidsā kinda thing. I would love to help them if they wanted it but I donāt cause I donāt want to poke my nose where it isnt wanted.
I wonāt be asking them again. Unfortunately I thought I could rely on them for some help as I caring for my grandmother (the mums mum) sheās 90 and my parents are well, unwilling too. But iv thought about and have spoke to my daughter about a safe place in school she can wait till I get there. So itās a lessons learned but an ok outcome x
Megan, I just want you to know that the way you are handling this is just beautiful. Really. Your daughter AND grandmother are incredibly fortunate to have you and your help. Great example of living life sober on lifeās terms.
Oh thankyou your so kind. Itās the second time youv made me feel really touched in this thread. Iv really needed that pat on the back reassurance that itās alright and Iām doing OK. Your words mean alot and honestly glad thereās people like you spreading kindness and wisdom too.
Thereās lots of other fantastic people with great advice on this thread too and wouldnāt want to discredit their help. But thankyou very much
Thanks for sharing. We all have much to learn. I will admit that itās the hardest part. I know i have the knowledge and experience.
But
Until i hear Someone else tell me, i stay not knowing. Best wishes to you. Stay connected
to everything else you written.
