Maybe that day will be tomorrow. I’m not giving up on you.
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Can you challenge this thinking, Paul? Not to be harsh, but do you really think you’re so different than the rest that you can’t get sober long term? I only say this because I’ve felt the exact same way in the past, especially after numerous demoralizing relapses. And I had to check myself. I’ve seen and known people in real life, that have sunk to some pretty low depths and have now managed to string together years of recovery.
Have you tried everything? Have you exhausted all options for help? I know you attend AA meetings and pray regularly, but do you have a sponsor and work steps? Have you been to rehab, or gotten therapy? When you pray do you ask for guidance and then take action, or just ask to be saved and hope God will take care of the rest?
I don’t think it’s fair for you to tell yourself you’re incapable of recovery, until you’ve tried everything. I just want to see you prevail. 
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In a place where I just can’t be bothered to drink, angry I don’t learn any lessons and tired of going round in circles. So yeah if I don’t want one I don’t miss one. Let’s see how long that lasts then. Be strong, Be grateful.
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Good to see ya Pauly. Was thinking about you today wondering how you was.
Stay strong buddy.
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just doing a lot of reading and re reading, getting serious with myself and refocusing for this my final shot at recovery.
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Good, nice to see Paul.
Just keep chipping away at it mate.
Don’t give up.
All it takes is all it takes!
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@Dolse How are you doing my friend?
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yeah I’m OK, just finished work and had that walk home where you want to buy a drink but I can’t be bothered to drink anymore the whole stopping and starting is driving me mad. Hope your keeping OK. 
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Just passing the time at work and at home keeping sober and not smoking again. Tired and hungry all day. Be strong be grateful.
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Twice today I could have drank and smoked, at one point it was quite a strong thought, had it planned and drugs sorted out but read a random page from the big book which told me exactly what I was about to do and what to do about it. It’s certainly baffling when you 100% don’t want to drink but you still want to drink. Be strong be grateful.
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You’re early tonight
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in bed already, done a lot of biking and walking today, just had my peppermint tea and got an early start tommorow 730 am until 6 pm. Seems odd talking to you on here 
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I’m doing my nightly journal early today as its been a bad day for cravings, things I did today that worked, phoned AA while shopping, went for a bike ride and visited an old friend who actually offered me drugs but I got past that moment OK too, healthy salad for dinner, took the dog for a long walk while listening to AA shares on a podcast (sober cast on Spotify if anyone’s interested) Going to now do a couple of different zoom meetings then bath, music, meditation and bed. It would be stupid of me to say you don’t know how hard the last 2 days have been bc you all know exactly so the fact I’m still sober is a miracle. I’ve so had enough of feeling shit and pathetic and useless and tired and ill and just that feeling of complete nothingness that alcohol and drugs do to me. My heart is so strong and my head is so confused with the have one don’t have one, you want one but you don’t want one. Today I am sober and I’m real grateful for that. Be strong be equally as grateful.
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Thoughts of drinking again but just keep going out for walks. Don’t know why I think about it so much bc it’s not going to happen.
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Yep, it’s habit. Soon your habit will change to a healthier one and the urges will dwindle. Much love to you Pauly. Sweet dreams 
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I’m just not cut out for this, that’s not a statement it’s my nightly journal and a moment I will one day look back on this and laugh about how pathetic I am. Apart from the fact I don’t feel so bad bc this is an illness that I’m trying to fight and one day I will. Its bad though when you really know you shouldn’t drink, you don’t want to drink or do drugs but for some reason you still do. I could laugh if it wasn’t such an impossible conundrum.
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You are cut out for it maybe just not right now. You gotta decide there is no other option. YOU can do this Paul I believe in you. 
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. I have for sure been on the endless circle of ’ I don’t want to drink, I shouldn’t drink, OH SHIT IM DRUNK.’ For literal years. About 18 of them.
I even had a year and a half of sobriety, then had 3 beers. I didn’t want those beers. I told myself while I was drinking those beers that I didn’t want them, and shouldn’t be having them… And yet there I was. Now, in a few days I will have 2 years since those 3 beers.
One of these days it’s going to click. One day you are going to say enough is enough. I have so much faith in your ability to do so.
You have had some decent success with stringing some time together previously, so you know you can do it. You have done it. You just have to decide you really want it again.
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