No you’re not. You are living with an addiction, and like all addictions do, it is trying to take over your life.
It is time for the addiction to go.
You are not alone in being a model who struggles with addiction. Stella did as well and shares her story here:
You need help. There is good help here on Talking Sober but you can dive deeper in a group of some type (for example these ones: Resources for our recovery), or a rehab (that can be very helpful in the early days when you’re trying to get some traction), and a counsellor. It’s helpful to have someone to help you keep track of yourself.
All the things you mentioned about weight and health and habits etc are just symptoms of a deeper problem, related to love and acceptance of yourself in this unpredictable world. You’re a perfectly imperfect being, and you’re learning what that means, and you’re learning how to be healthy without numbing through booze.
Take care and don’t give up. Keep coming here and sharing. The checkin thread is helpful for that:
Checking in daily to maintain focus #41
There are a few other threads focused on people facing specific concerns or challenges and if you browse through you’ll find them.
You are loved, you matter, and you are good enough.