Dear @Phoebe
So sorry to hear about this. Good you got the plumbing fixed. My mum is also 91 and it’s hard for old people to have a disturbance in their daily routine, they are not capable to adapt or be flexible any more to get it.
It’s a great responsibility to care about our elderly loved ones. So sad that your brother is not caring and responsibly behaving but just shouting out in complaints.
Proud of you to set boundaries 
You are not alone, send you hugs
@erntedank If anyone would understand it’s the TS family. I try not to tell my spouse (sober for many years) about stuff cuz he gets pissed at bro and wants to defend me. That makes it worse, believe me. The struggle is real. Lol Thanks for the vote of confidence. 
I hear you and I can relate
My sister are I battled and hated each other while both my parents had Alzheimer’s. It really tore us apart. I lived far away and helped financially. She lived close by and did shit. Nothing. It was horrible.
I guess my point is. My moms care takers told me this is common with siblings during these difficult times. But after mom died my sister eventually apologized and we’re good now. Long distance helps. Definitely good to draw those boundaries. But it makes it so hard.
We figured out my sister is very narcissistic and you cannot argue with them either.
Hey @Miranda
I saw your gratitude tonight. I’m sorry to read about your husband’s drinking affecting you. Sometimes it’s really hard. Especially when we are trying to be and stay sober.
Here’s the thread I started.
And here’s a list Sassy has if you click on her link.
Have a good read around. When I’m struggling I always go back to my favorite passage in Courage To Change. This is my favorite Al-Anon daily devotional.
It’s good for sobriety too.
I can’t focus on my alcoholic. I have to focus on me. And what I can do. Because I do always end up more bitter, more hopeless, and more frustrated. And nothing has changed.
Thank you so much:heart:
he was just really not being very kind with his words and I know if he wasn’t drinking he wouldn’t talk like that so it’s upsetting… Ugh 
Good Morning CoDependants. 
I was just over on the gratitude thread and I was mentioning I felt a codependent downward spiral coming on 
. Is that even a thing? So I thought I’d get my ass over here and post. Not sure what. But something will come out.
Like I was thinking……I got 841 days today to measure my success of being sober. I haven’t had to restart my counter. How does that work being codependent free. I mean, they are feelings. You feel them. Yes the last couple of stressful days my loved one is drinking more and more and I’m feeling more and more alone. Again . I’m trying like hell not to focus on my loved ones drinking. But I can’t stop the feelings. Does that mean I have to reset? I never “set” in the first place. How do I judge my success? Maybe I don’t “Judge,” myself. My life is not unmanageable. It’s good. Fucking damn good. But.? How do you love someone so fucking much and hate them at the same time?
I don’t know…….
Maybe coming over here to post will help. It seems like there’s some kind of codependent cycle. I guess just like in everything else. You’re doing good for awhile and then BAM 
I start feeling like the “Poor Me.” The best thing I can do today is watch my tongue.
This too shall pass……
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.
Proverbs 21:23
Just making up my own proverb.
Dazercat 1:1
Holding one’s tongue cannot be replaced by resentful quietness.
That’s a tough one right there. For me anyway.
I honestly don’t think there could be anything but some kind of codependent cycle. When the person closest to you in the entire world is an alcoholic and you don’t drink, I’m pretty sure there are times when you feel the need to take care of them. And there will definitely be those times they expect it of you.
When I drank, you better believe I was dependent on my husband to make sure I was safe, taken care of, put to bed, and the list goes on and on. What else was he going to do? He loves me. At times, I think his care of me caused my drinking to last a lot longer than it would have, but ultimately that was on me. No matter how bad my addiction was, it was always my choice.
I don’t have any answers for you, my dear friend. But I do know that getting it out here, having us witness what you’re dealing with, can only help. You are loved.
I hear you… It’s very difficult. You have been an inspiration to me and I’m sorry you are struggling a bit right now. I don’t have any answers, but I’ll send you a hug and a safe place to talk any time.
It’s mostly a mental thing. And it definitely helps getting it out here. The need to “take care of,” is pretty much gone. It’s been gone a long time even before my sobriety. It’s the old usual mental loneliness and enjoying my own time more than my time with her. It understandably makes me sad. And it is definitely a cycle. Especially being in a holding pattern before the move. I’ll be so busy next week I am sure I’ll be cycling out of it.
Thank you always. For checking in on me.
Thank you too @Miranda i hope me posting always helps another person deal with this situation. Most of the times it’s not so bad. Somedays it just happens. Unfortunately I was pretty happy when she fell asleep on the couch last night. I got to watch Winning Time. She hates that show. I couldn’t wait for her to fall asleep. And that is sad too.
But since I got my feelings out this morning the day has been good. I didn’t say anything snarky. I didn’t clam up a do my favorite silent treatment. And we didn’t talk about it. Because that doesn’t do anything. We’ve talked about to death. I’ll keep letting the feelings out here and move on the best I can. It’s turned out to be a good rest of the day.
Maybe I don’t have to reset 
I understand this. It’s hard. Now that I’m sober, I’m having to cope with the reasons I continued drinking. Being lonely in my own home is one of them. I’m becoming more and more protective of my alone time.
It definitely helps talking about it here, and @ShesGotMoxie , I also drank because of loneliness. But I’m starting to enjoy my alone time more now. I do agree with you Eric, it’s kind of sad when I don’t enjoy the time with my husband because he’s been drinking and I just want to be alone. Before I used to wish that he wouldn’t drink so that we could enjoy our time together more but now I’m just happier doing my own thing. I just hate it when his drinking innterferes with how he responds to my daughter, although I’m learning more and more that if I just stay out of it my daughter amazes me with her maturity and communication skills. It’s just a lot of learning how to handle these situations and or feelings. I’m so glad I have you guys to talk to!!! I’m able to handle these situations much better because of you.
Thankfully, my husband doesn’t drink. He stopped when I got sober, and he never had a problem with over drinking. I know now that I did have reasons I drank, and these are very different from the excuses I used to make for drinking. My husband and I are miles apart in personality, and my being sober is shining a big spotlight on it. I’m definitely learning about responding thoughtfully and productively rather than just immediately reacting the way I used to. And the reason I value and protect my alone time is that my thoughtful and productive responses rarely make a damn bit of difference. I won’t stop trying, though. Like Eric says, I don’t have it in me to start all over again. And bonus… I love my guy. 
I’m happy to hear your daughter handles it well. There are also Alateen meetings in case she ever did want to talk to other young adults in her situation. I’m sure it can be found on the Alanon.org site should she ever feel the need.
Side note.
With 4 cats and 2 dogs I’m kinda never alone.
Another side note
@ShesGotMoxie
I bet if I had gone for a walk yesterday afternoon or done some reformer work I wouldn’t have felt like I did last night and this morning. I just got back from my scheduled Pilates instruction on Fridays and I feel great physically and mentally.
Have a good sober Friday y’all. As I sit comfortably with a warm purring cat.
I really appreciate the advice. My husband is never obviously drunk, but his mood changes and he’s just more grumpy and impatient. My daughter does talk to a therapist once every 2 weeks. I think it’s helpful. I will look into some of your suggestions if needed too. Thanks Eric
Dear @Dazercat @ShesGotMoxie @Miranda
Thank you all for sharing. As I struggle with the same issues it feels so good to know I’m not alone 
Yes it definitely is a cicle, I often watched the different stages come and go in my/our life. These days I’m happy to have a lot of good time with my husband. He doesn’t drink a lot and I’m in a reasonably calm and stable mood most of the time. This combination is a good one. We both feel supported by each other and listen to each other. As I know this will change again I enjoy it.
I’m grateful for the appointment with the mobile assistance service for my mum next week. The permanent worry and her “everything is ok” attitude really gnaw at my nerves. I still wonder where she got the alcohol for her bullshit action on my birthday as she never leaves the house for shopping. I’ll get some al-anon literature in german, thanks @dazercat for quoting passages often, they are very helpful for me
Send you all hugs and ODAAT. Whatever it is, it too shall pass
I’m grateful I’m posting here, when I don’t feel like I have to. It’s nice to post success too. It’s great to vent and leave your troubles you have with your addicted loved one here. But it’s also great to post success as well.
So many good things yesterday I wanted to post but never got around to it.
I caught myself on a downward codependent spiral Friday and posted about it left it here, got support and moved on. I watched my tongue, I didn’t say anything snarky. I didn’t clam up and not talk at all. I’m a master at that. Or use to be. Turned out to be a good day.
Then Saturday morning I read about sarcasm in ODAAT In Al-Anon and I felt validated, because I reigned in my tongue, wasn’t sarcastic or snarky about anything. I had some sarcastic thoughts. Of course I did. I had some resentments. That another story. Back to sarcasm.
I heard in rehab how sarcasm means to rip flesh. 
. And I was like Wow 
Think about that
So my Al-Anon reading yesterday went like this.
Being raised in Boston, the snark tough guy, capital of the world, sarcasm was was like a beautiful symphony ingrained in my character for the first 18 years of my life. I mastered it and used it throughout my life whether it be for fun, to get laughs, or release stress. Or maybe just for attention People in Texas where not use to a tongue like mine. Anyway……. I been working on not using sarcasm since my kids rehab over 12 years ago. It’s really a useless fucking tool and can be very hurtful.
I still had sarcastic thoughts. I catch them. I giggle to myself about it. Then I pat myself on the back after I let it go without letting it out.
Anyway. That’s a pretty big victory for me. I’m actually rereading that passage again. I can’t believe how it use to help me relieve my pent up feelings and give me satisfaction. And yet it never made a situation better. NEVER! Usually my sarcasm was totally unwarranted and out of the blue because I was holding my feelings in and like I’m the one who’s starting shit.
I’m grateful for the amount of sarcasm that doesn’t come out of my mouth when it pertains to my loved one who is an addict.
I’ve never been really sarcastic as I agree it can usually be hurtful to people however I have been working on a similar thing in keeping my thoughts to myself about “nagging” my husband on how he could be a better person if he didn’t drink. It’s just hard when I see how the drinking affects him and how he becomes forgetful which also intern can affect the safety of our animals because he’s the last one up and with the kitten he’s forgot to deal with a few things that could be possibly be dangerous for her at night… But it doesn’t make any difference if I talk about it to him. I’ve said it many many times and I don’t know why it would be any different this time. I also have to let go of the fact that I do think we would have a better relationship if he didn’t drink. I love him but I just feel alone sometimes because he can’t get up in the morning and so I go for walks to the beach by myself and sometimes I wish I could have some company. I know there are many people who aren’t morning people but I also know that the alcohol affects his ability to get up in the morning which sometimes makes me sad. Anyways I’ve talked to him about it before and he said he would try but nothing changes because obviously he’s an addict and there’s nothing I can do about it which I need to accept so there’s no point in being angry or disappointed. I had a nice walk to the beach by myself and came home and stayed quiet instead of bringing up the things that I think he should have done last night such as not leaving an open container of chip dip on the coffee table that the cat got into,or the toilet seat open with the bathroom door open because she’s already fallen in twice… I’m trying to take as much responsibility on myself as I can so I dont have to worry at night but then I just lose sleep because I’m up checking on things and making sure things are safe and he’s always up late so I don’t sleep well worrying about it… I’m totally rambling here but anyways I’m just trying to say there must be a better way for me to not have to lose sleep and still make sure things are safe for the animals but if I bring the cat into the bedroom and shut the door she keeps me up all night too so I feel like it’s a difficult one but all I know is reminding him and reminding him about things doesn’t help at all. If you got through all that thanks for reading if not it’s okay it just helped me to write it.
