Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[erntedank]

Dear @Dazercat
I feel with you and send you a biiig hug
You are such an inspiration how you deal with the situation, the kindness and the strenght you share, how you care about yourself and your wife. I don’t think you’re a doofus, I think all this is just human. And sometimes it is necessary to unload and bring the tough and difficult issues on the table. Talking helps. Mostly.

Learning from you, I think I should cut back in confronting my husband how miserable I feel when he is drinking and annoying. He doesn’t listen anyway, I experienced this hundreds of times. But every now and then something must hit because he doesn’t drink and is the nice, caring and lovely person I miss so often.
This is what makes me sad: I miss him and I really sometimes hate drunk him It is so exhausting to deal with this ups and downs, and I even won’t talk to him when he is drunk. What for? He won’t remember the conversation anyway. It gives me a feeling of lost time I can use better and do things I like. Pet cats, read a book, lurk around TS, make garden plans, enjoy a hot chocolate … or just sleep. In my own bed surrounded, cuddled and tampered by three cats. Not a perfect substitute for him, but I get cuddles and feel loved.

[Dazercat]

Thank you. I’m sorry you’re in the same situation but it is so comforting to know I’m not alone. I’m glad you checked in and saw my post. You also inspire me on the way you handle it. And your whole last paragraph is me too. I’m glad we got multiple cats to cover all the cuddling we need. When one of them gets tired of me another one comes along. . I like how Daisy does the early morning shift in bed. And Mavy takes the night shift on the couch with me. And then Alice fills in when she likes. I’m glad your here.

[Dazercat]

I’m grateful I’m exhausted from doing my gratitude list. I always want to come and post here after. But I really pour my heart and soul of my recovery into my gratitude list and I feel exhausted and neglect coming here. But here goes. I’m going to try and quote what I said there a bit.

I’m grateful I told my wife how I felt late yesterday. Sad. Lonely. Depressed. And how I’m so much happier or enjoy my time by myself and I’m thinking about going to Al-Anon meetings because I need help. Ya it’s always me that needs the help. they get to keep drinking.

I’m grateful I actually feel like shit about the whole thing. I’m grateful I’m just going to feel it. Until the next feeling comes around.

I’m grateful for my readings again today. God nailed it again I don’t know how He does it. I guess He loves me. The section on the book Codependent No More was about the fear of intimacy, fucken ay! If that ain’t me
Most people want and need love. Most people want and need to be close to people. But fear is an equally strong force,*and it competes with our need for love. More specifically, this force is fear of intimacy. and then there was a picture of me because it does feel safer to be alone. And I won’t be rejected. I’d be grateful if the book told me what the fuck to do now! I guess I’ll pray and be aware and turn it over to God and see what happens.

So the thing is. How do I deal with this when my spouse isn’t sober. We haven’t been intimate or close to physical touch or anything for many many years. And no. I do not talk about this with her anymore. I always get shut down. And frankly that rejection hurts too much. We are more like a great brother and sister team. I’ve always said we make a great team. We do. It’s just that there’s no physical love in any shape or form and I just don’t know how to deal with that except not to. It’s much safer. And there’s no rejection or awkward moments. Hopefully just getting my feelings out and sharing will at least help me feel better about the situation.
ODAAT
See what God brings for me today.

@Dazercat

Unless I love my martyrdom and cling to it, I need not be alone in freeing myself from whatever troubles me.

One Day At A Time In Al-Anon

[Mat77]

I used to. My grandfathers drank a lot, but one passed young due to lung cancer, and I never met him. A working man in a foreign nation - his only way of getting around was booze. Never violent, always quiet and clever. But the hardships of life took the toll on him.

The other one quit when he was 70 - A funny bloke, many friends, loved to party - but more than partying, he loved to live. Quit for good after a liver exam indicated some “funny” stuff. Died of a congenital cardiopathy 15 years later.

And my old man. We’re in opposite sides now - After the government privatised his company, he and many others too old to get a new job, too young to retire, were out, unemployed and hopeless. Depression beckoned in, then alcohol abuse, then a destroyed family… and I was the one who stood by him, although so young, 12, 13. “If not for you, I’d have had been dropped from this family, son”, he told me once. He eventually retired and… quit, after a bit of a scare. From his department in the company, after the 1998 privatisation, of the 140 people who worked there he’s the only one still alive. Suicide, depression, alcoholism, divorces, anxiety, loss of perspective, you name it. COVID took some of the last ones.

Now he’s standing for me - we talk a lot about drinking, our mistakes, sins and what we could have had done if booze hadn’t come along. After I got divorced I went back to live with my parents, then THEY got divorced and I live with him. Two boozers, staying sober, facing one day at a time, standing for each other no matter what.

Shit, I love that old cunt. A lot. I’m almost crying now. Won’t hug him now because it’ll feel weird.

[Its_me_Stella]

I am glad you have somewhere supportive and safe to talk about this.

[Dazercat]

I’m so glad I told my wife how I felt yesterday.
Today she tells me. “This is probably bad timing but I’m ordering a case of wine.” Ya think?
I’m actually laughing inside.
I’ll be sad again later.
And then I’ll move on to some other feeling.
At least I’m alive and sober.
And I can feel!!

[ShesGotMoxie]

Bless your heart, Eric.

[ShesGotMoxie]

Yesterday morning, just after I finished my gratitude here, I got a call from my youngest son who’s been trying to quit drinking for over two years now. This time was his 6th detox in the hospital, and as of yesterday it had been four days since he drank. For some reason the doctor sent him home with no meds, telling him to contact his GP on Monday. When I answered the call, his first words were “Mom, I’m really scared.” I immediately went into calm, mama bear mode. He was having difficulty breathing, his vision was “trailing”, he had severe abdominal pain, he was intermittently losing hearing, his entire right arm was tingling, and his right hand curled up and seized while we were talking. I told him to call 911 and I’d be there right away. When we arrived at the ER, his symptoms were stroke-like, and I was terrified. They finally got him into a room, did bloodwork and an ultrasound, then we waited. For the first time out of all 6, an addiction/mental health counselor came in to talk with him. He was kind and understanding, and my son was comfortable telling his story. He hasn’t received much kindness from medical professionals during his previous hospital visits and definitely not during the one time he attempted inpatient rehab. This man had real talk with him and did it without judgment or condescension. He left my son with names and numbers of therapists local to us, and a list they had discussed of tools to use for handling his urges to drink. Although my son knows the tools he’s read about or I’ve told him, these were things he and the counselor came up with together. It made him feel like someone finally cared. It made me feel that, too.

When the doctor came in with test results, he was calm but firm. My son’s liver is fatty and 50% enlarged. He told him that he was only a few drinks away from cirrhosis, and his body was showing signs of his liver’s inability to filter toxins. For the past 5+ months, he’s been having abdominal pain, throwing up many times a day, pain in his joints, and an awful rash that quickly spread from his extremities to his back. These are all directly related to his drinking. In closing, the doctor told him that if he continues to drink, he has 5 years at most to live. He also told him that if he completely quit and never drank again, his liver could still repair itself. In that moment, I couldn’t hear anything else but that. I was so thankful and overwhelmed with gratitude and hope that tears were falling.

My son has been taking being sober seriously, but he knows now that he has to be on a whole other level. He’s a bartender, so being surrounded by alcohol has been an issue in his recovery. He does work with people who are supportive and even some who are sober, but he agrees that it’s time to move on. Y’all please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. He has a long road ahead of him.

[Dazercat]

I’m glad you replied. It made me think of what you told me once.
You can’t find bread, or was it milk? At the hardware store. But shit. I can’t even find a hammer at the hardware store

I’ll give yours a read later. Out to lunch now. I’m having ice tea. It doesn’t matter what she’s drinking.

Enjoying the spring snow. Maybe it’s coming your way.

[Dazercat]

Oh Moxie. I know how gut wrenching this is for you to watch your son go through this. And of course your lovely son. I’m sure it’s difficult on him too. I’m happy you took the good part away with you about his liver being able to heal itself before it’s too late. I pray he finds someone that can help him, that can respect and understand where he’s coming from, that’s not judgmental. I hope he can find a therapist he likes.
I do pray God can close the door on his bartending profession and open a new door for him somehow. That’s a tough business to be sober in. Y’all always in my thoughts and prayers.
Big hugs.

[Dazercat]

Hey Jess.
I’m glad you finally got around to sharing. I feel it really helps me a lot to get my thoughts out here and read others as well.

It’s been quite an adjustment for me and my wife with me getting sober. Hell, we drank, A Lot, together for 38 years. I see so many things differently now in our relationship but also so many things are still the same. My wife’s excuse is. She enjoys drinking wine. Every afternoon!! That’s what we use to do. Sometimes I think it must be hard on her now that I’m sober. Of course it’s also hard on me too. But I’m not going back to drinking. I hope you can make and keep a boundary about you and your partner buying a house with some land. You are right. It is a big commitment. Huge! Even if you have the money currently. There will be plenty of time and work commitment as well I imagine.

Anyway. It sounds like you are in a tough spot as well. Don’t let denial of his problem make any decisions for you. Denial can be strong when it’s about our loved ones. You know darn well what’s going on.

I hope it helped to at least post here about it. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the Alanon.org posts on this thread. But Al-Anon can be a very helpful tool.

[Caite1025]

Many, many prayers and thoughts go out to you and your son. What a scary situation for you to be in while on the phone with him! It sounds like he is taking this seriously and that he can get the help he needs. He is very lucky to have you as his mama bear!

[Dazercat]

Ok. So now I feel like an idiot. . Before y’all tell me I’m not an idiot. It’s ok for me to feel that way. That feeling will be replaced soon enough with another one. I also feel happy, like a light bulb just went off.

I’m still stuck on Moxie’s saying “I got to quit looking for bread at the hardware store.”

It’s just that I was sad. Lonely, and depressed, and I let my feelings out. And I guess I thought, just maybe, there’d be some kind of change. Well there wasn’t. Then when I read my codependent no more book this morning I read about fear of intimacy and of course I thought. I got that. I must work on that! Right now!

But now after getting my thoughts out and some support from some good friends here. I realize there’s nothing new going on that hasn’t been going on for 15 + years between us. Except I’m sober.

She is not going to change. She’s incapable of changing to be what I want her to be. And why should she? How can she? I guess I’m just going to continue to take care of me. And let it go Why would I expect anything to be different?

It’s been a beautiful rainy snowy spring day. It’s starting to clear up just a tad. And I’m going for walk and enjoy myself. I’m going to call it a win in my books because I felt sad, lonely, and depressed, and I did not drink!! I felt this shit. This shit felt awful for a couple of days. I will get through it.

Maybe when I die my epitaph can say. “He Finally quit going to the hardware store for bread ”

Currently I think it’s that simple. And I’m sticking to it. Currently.

[ShesGotMoxie]

I have a long vent I’m going to make later, so look out. I do understand your sadness and loneliness, but you’re right… the only thing different about our relationships now is that we’re sober. We have to consider that some sort of win for us anyways.

[ShesGotMoxie]

Thanks so much, Mae.

[ShesGotMoxie]

Thank you.

[Caite1025]

I am so happy to hear you have each other for support! It is definitely hard to go at sobriety alone. Thanks for sharing!

[Mat77]

Moxie, I’m glad he’s got a way to get out. Maybe fear would be a way for health education, as a mechanism that makes us cautious, without catastrophic things involved. I’m terrified of ICUs - binges + diabetes took me there 4 times already. Every single time I contemplate being in one, the craving goes away. But it’s just one resource that worked for me. I’m pretty sure the therapists and other professionals will come around with plenty of other resources. All the best.

PS: I had a fat liver as well when I drank every single day half a liter of cachaça, a sugar cane distilled beverage, lighter (in colour) than rum - It’s fully recovered by now.

[ShesGotMoxie]

I’m glad he’s still able to heal. He’s been drinking heavily for about 12 years now. His daily intake was a pint of whiskey, 2-3 strong drinks at work, and a 6-pack of beer. At this point, his body won’t allow him to quit without meds, and that’s what landed him in the hospital once again. He’s firm on never drinking again, so now begins the mind work. He was a writer throughout college, and he has a beautiful and creative mind. I’m encouraging him to start writing again, hopefully get away from bartending and make it a career.

I appreciate your thoughts. Hearing that your liver has healed itself gives me so much hope. Thank you.

[Mat77]

@ShesGotMoxie

When the doctor came in with test results, he was calm but firm. My son’s liver is fatty and 50% enlarged. He told him that he was only a few drinks away from cirrhosis, and his body was showing signs of his liver’s inability to filter toxins.

Fortunately, the liver has an amazing capacity of self-recovery. It’s not like the brain or the pancreas. A few weeks off and he’ll see the pain easing and being able to eat properly. The younger you are, the better the chances. I’m 32 - That fatty liver happened 3 and a half years ago, when I gave up binging for a while, then went back as “harm reduction”. Now I’m fully clean.