totally understand this and grateful that you can properly listen to your senses. I’ve known people that can pick up on things and its great when you know and are able to listen to the cues.
Fuck the fuckery! The new 2024 motto 
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Last night I almost slipped on SH due to the deep soul ache that I feel. Its not sadness, I dont feel like I am taking on her emotions or holding on to stuff that isnt mine. It is the identification that I feel with her on such a deep level. Its how vividly I remember where she is at and how real that pain can come back to my heart and body in seconds. Its how desperate I can feel and how quickly I can go dark when I allow myself to be taken back there. My life was way beyond unmanageable when i came into recovery 4 years ago, it was unbearable, completely unlivable. So much so that even 4 years later when I am reminded of the spiritual pain I was in I am triggered to cut.
I am so grateful for the support I have around me, for the very strong foundation I have built in my recovery and the incredibly hard work I have put in. In my check in last night i ended with something like “thats not my life anymore” (SH) but I am humbled and know that it could be with one wrong choice.
So yeah today I am deeply affected by a loved one who is detoxing from only God knows. She is violently ill and last time I detoxed from rock I wasnt shitting and puking my face off. I pray she can stay clean, one more day. Prayers are welcome. 
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Ask and you shall receive. You’re in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.
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Including you and your mentee in my prayers Thank you for sharing, it touches me deeply 
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I love it! A wise way to cope with life this year 
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A little bird told me it might be time for an update.
Well, I fucking hate hate hate hate my addict!! But I think I’m getting better. It’s ok to hate my alcoholic. I love my wife. That’s why I’m still in this fight.
Ya know I go to Al-Anon meetings 4-6 times a week. One of them is an AA meeting. I’ve got a sponser now. A therapist. A couple of Al-Anon friends. I don’t get out much with them. Maybe some day. I don’t know.
Anyway…. We try to keep the focus on us. Not the alcoholic. And I try really hard to do that. I need to learn more about this disease and how to live my life and not worry about the alcoholic and what might or might not happen.
So……… last time I checked in I don’t know…… I have a boundary that is if she has more than 2 drinks I’m on a plane outta here. I have seen what happens to her after 2 drinks. It’s not pretty. I still have my own ptsd about that last time in September. I was traumatized. Or was it October?
So anyway. We been doing pretty good. Or more like I’ve been doing ok. Not bad. I’m surrounding myself with recovery and it makes me feel good. Well, in Cali in November she had a couple of glasses of wine each night out to dinner and got really pissed off at me when she found out I had all the booze and wine removed from out room. She says I’m still trying to control her drinking. I’m not responsible for her feelings. I’m doing that for me. But it still hurts that she says that.
So London in December she went back off the rails. Even in front of my son. She wasn’t trashed drunk. But she was drinking afternoons and evenings and night caps. Hey it’s London! She’s on vacation right? We’ve all used that excuse. I know I have. We get back from London and she says she’s going to do better. And ya. I know this is an alcoholic talking so I try not to roll my eyes and say BULLSHIT!
So January. Damp January. Moist January what-the-fuck-ever January. How bout I’m drinking January? She figures out she can have 6 glasses a wine per week. So she can have 2 glasses of wine out 3 nights a week with dinner. That was her plan. Not mine. But I did say if you have more I’m leaving to visit one of the kids. So eventually the 2 6oz pours became 2 8 or 9 oz pours. I know. I’m watching it as it’s a progressive disease. I try not to watch it. That’s not my job but it’s right in front of my face. I’m not blind.
So last trip to cali the 2 glasses turned into……Another glass at the hotel bar or room service. So we are up to 3 glasses of wine now. So I get to watch first hand this fucking progressive disease just slowly take over my wife again. And it FUCKING SUCKS,
Whenever we get home from a trip when she’s drinking it takes me a few days to process and get on with my life. And today I finally had a great day. Until……… she wants a 3rd glass of wine at home. Here we go! 
We had an uncomfortable conversation on the way home but I did not over react. I was as calm as possible. A bit shaky but not too bad. I finally realized I was angry. I already told her I’m frightened about what happens. Could happen after she has 2 drinks. But I also said I’m feel angry. I think this is big for me. I feel angry 
it’s just a feeling. I didn’t explode. Stomp my feet. I just said “I feel angry. I’m fighting like hell for our marriage.” Again she says I won’t be happy unless she stops drinking and I’m controlling her. It really pisses me off when she says I’m controlling her. But I stayed calm. Finally I just said she’s got to do what she’s got to do. And I got to do what I got to do. Full stop 
She came home finished some dishes of hers and sat down with a warm glass of white cooking wine I get in small boxes. So she got her 3 glass in at home. It’s so fucking sad.
I’m not catching a plane out of here. But I guess I got to move my boundary a little. I do get to however call my sponser in the morning. I got my therapist on Mondays now. I got a meeting Sunday night. And I might just call the kids and tell them I’m scared and don’t know what to do. It’s not a secret anymore. But it would become a secret again if I don’t share my grief with my children. And friends.
I got to admit I was pretty fucking shaky and got that pit in my stomach on the way home. But after PMing a good friend here. Playing a few memes. Sharing my experience strength and hope on the check in thread. We actually eventually watched a little tv and still talked to each other like regular people.
I don’t know exactly what I’ll do tomorrow but I will be sharing with family or friends and sponser. And I got my meeting.
It’s a fucking disease. A progressive disease. And frankly it pisses me off when people at Al-Anon meetings tell me just for today. Get rid of the what ifs! Like what if the drunken chaos doesn’t happen? Most stuff we worry about doesn’t happen. But you know what? It’s a progressive disease. I’m watching and living it getting worse. So it’s not so easy.
Let go let god. I do. And I pray for her. And I do a lot of 3 stepping around here.
So ya. It fucking sucks! Did I already say that. And ya I’m getting better. Slowly. But it’s so dang hard.
Thanks if you actually read this whole load of shit. But it did feel good to drop it here with friends. Dear friends. Ya youz.
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I’ve got no words of wisdom… just a lot of admiration for you. For your doubling-down on getting the support You need. For your commitment to your own recovery and your marriage. For your honesty and sadness and anger.
Oh and hugs. I’ve got lotsa those. 
And hope. I won’t give up hope in any of us.
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Thanks M.
You’re a dear.
Didn’t sound right calling you a raccoon 
Love the perfect hug.
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Ugh. I’m so sorry and also glad you’re writing about it, talking about it and will to others in the days to come.
It shouldn’t be a secret. It’s her actions. And they have consequences.
Over on the other thread, I read about what a nice day y’all had with the spontaneous walk.
I’m sorry that the day ended up getting trashed in the end. The day itself and ending up drinking cooking wine.
She is smart but the alcohol is smarter.
She thought she could play the game where she was smarter than the alcohol. Alcohol won.
I’ve always been pro the two of you staying together, hopefully happily together and not drinking.
I’m sorry that this has progressed in this direction instead of progress towards her drinking nothing.
I can’t imagine how beat up and scared and all the other feelings that you have must be.
I’m glad that you have built somewhat of a little fortress instead of just having yourself and TS to rely on going through this.
There’s hope in my heart for both of you.
Lots of love and lots of hugs. 
I hope that there will be a turnaround.
I hope that she can regain some of the respect for the boundaries that she did have. Ideally 100% abstinence of course.
And realize what’s at stake and what she could lose for some glasses of wine and drinks.
I’m really sorry Eric. It has to be scary and traumatic for you.
I’m glad you have all of us.
Editing to add.
I know what helps you is not to drink just for today. I also know that I think it was October that she didn’t drink for the whole month even though she had a plan throughout the whole month to drink on the 30th day or whatever OK so I understand you can’t control her drinking.
Going back and applauding her for going the 30 days deliberately to not drink. And what it meant to you. To you a man who loves her, wants the best for her, wants to spend your life with her.
How much it meant to you to not be as guarded wondering if she was going to be in a bad situation. You repeating that isn’t “controlling”.
How grateful she was to not be drunk, I think she admitted how much better she felt. And how much she liked her days better. Did she just forget that, if she did maybe she needs to be reminded.
Maybe somewhere in that smart brain she can see how much the alcohol has sucked her back in and somehow reach that point where she says I’m done. That’s what I can hope for for both of you.
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Daze I came here to vent and got to read your open heart first so that is a win win. Drinking is gross and it sucks the soul out of people if you do it like us addicts do.
You are only in charge of you today. I hope you put yourself first all day and I hope it gets a little easier for you. Its a shit sandwich to love an addict…
… and we are Pedro Pascal.
Sending hugs your way. Drunk people stink, literally. Old stale booze seeping from pores is not a good look. My week has been hectic with drunkenness and thankfully none of it has been my own. Getting sober is amazing and avoiding drunks is part of the beauty of that but that is soooooo tricky when they live with you in your house. Fuck alcohol. Onward!
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I’m sorry Eric. I wish there were an easy road. This is such a selfish disease. That’s why she says you’re trying to control her. She can’t look at herself and see that SHE is causing all the pain (for the both of you). That blame game is no fun at all. Glad you’re here venting and happy to know you’re doing what you can to keep support in your life. Lots of love to you my friend. Big hugs!
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Thanks Lisa.
The fucking blame game. Forgot about that one.
Ya I forgot about this. Did she? It’s probably easier for you to remember than me. It sounds about right though. She use to be all into how much alcohol for your body is acceptable. ZERO!! We chatted about that. She didn’t have much to say about it.
Thanks @TrustyBird
I was definitely feeling like 2 slice Tilly last night.
I glad you got a win win coming here last night.
Sucks!
Thanks you guys
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Eric, what can I say? You are working so hard to deal with this situation. It does fucking suck. Yet you find the wisdom and the humor to help so many of us here at TS. Thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart. You keep being you, we are all rooting for you.
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Sending love and hugs. I admire your comittment and strength resp. the strength you get from being weak, emotional, caring, not bashing yourself for ignoring your boundaries when you realize you won’t put in the consequences. I admire you.
To be honest: My ex never put effort or problem insight to his and our issues. Your wife does and when I read your sharings I know for myself: I couldn’t bear that in the long run with calmness like you. Maybe that’s selfish of me.
It means so much that you share your journey. I learn so much. At least I try to learn about myself and better my flaws.
Hugs
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An update on my own situation. Husband has told me enough times to stop trying to “make him do stuff”. Tells me he has never wanted to be told what to do, and that I’m “constantly telling him what to do “. Even though he won’t take care of his health, doesn’t even brush his teeth. Won’t go to the dentist, won’t get any help for his multiple health issues, which are all completely fucked up from his drinking and pot use…. He’s so depressed he just sits and watches tv all day most days.
It is so fucking hard to detach and focus on me, the latest issue I’m struggling to forgive him and myself for is the fact that I let him talk me out of traveling to Hawaii to visit relatives soooo many times over the years. The latest time I had a chance to reconnect with old friends at a high school reunion and I missed it. Two of my best friends from then reached out to me and the sting of regret because I didn’t go to that damn reunion when I really wanted to….well, it’s choking me right now.
But that is exactly my MO. I put my own wants and needs second to my husband’s, through all of our marriage, and now, 44 years later, I’m finally trying to find myself and what I need and want in this last chapter of my life. And the stupid thing is, my husband has always encouraged my independence, except for times when I have wanted to travel somewhere without him. 
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Hey Dazer - how are you doing today friend? Have you had a chance to call your sponsor or kids this morning? So very happy that you did share what is going on with you on your thread.
I do not think that you are being controlling in trying to set up boundaries to support your well being. Like Lisa mentioned - the selfish disease makes it seem to her that you are and that is something she needs to deal with.
I too remember how well she had embraced a sober lifestyle when she did her 1 month in the fall. Really was rooting for her to continue down the path and am so sorry that it is progressing farther away.
So very happy that you are talking about it here - with your kids - with Al Anon - with your sponsor and with your therapist. Look at you widening your support circle! So very proud of you for working on yourself and your boundaries even through this mess.
I am sorry that you two are dealing with this disease on so many levels. Sending you love and strength my friend
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Ah Patricia - i’m so sorry love. It has got to be frustrating trying to take care of someone you love and being told that you are being controlling in telling them “to do stuff” which they have neglected.
I am so happy to hear that you are looking into your own wants and needs. I know it is not easy to feel regret from past decisions but know that it is not too late to change. Plan that vacation to Hawaii. Plan trips to visit your friends. If he doesn’t want to go then that is on him. You only have one life my friend and you can’t spend it in regret.
Just sending you hugs and love my friend
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This sounds like you need a trip to Hawaii. 
For real! Get out in the sunshine and let the husband fester if he wants.
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Whelp I’m glad my experience strength a hope can be of some help around here. Good peeps keep telling me to share. It might help someone and help myself.
I just hate coming on here and bitching about my wife. That’s why I like Al-Anon so much. Imagine if we just sat around and bitched the whole time about our loved ones. We’d never learn to work on ourselves.
However journaling about it can be very therapeutic. I did call my sponsor today and he told me I should journal about it. I guess journaling about it here on a public is my form of journaling. And I get a big bonus of love support and feedback from you all.
It’s gets very tiring having all this strength @erntedank sometimes, truthfully, I’d like to just give up. It’s really hard. But I got so much more than I had a year ago. I even have Hope. I never use to have that. I finally learn I had to put my Hope in me. Not what someone else is doing or not doing. Going to those rooms as often as I go gives me so much Hope for myself.
My sponser also said @JazzyS if I wasn’t sure about calling my friends and family then PAUSE. No acronym. Just pause 24 hours. I told him my feelings about calling and I am checking my motives. If I pause. I can talk to my therapist tomorrow. Tom, my sponsor, said we can meet for coffee after my therapist appointment and before my meeting tomorrow and he’ll be at the meeting tonight. And he said by the way. You signed up to chair it. I did 
. I have no idea 
@Pattycake when I complain at meetings I’m 64 years old and I don’t know how to act or feel there’s always someone older saying well I’m 75 and I’m still learning. I guess if we’re lucky we get to keep learning. I’ll go to Hawaii with ya 
I’m thinking of checking out a Coda meeting. https://coda.org/ I read some shit on here and it’s like That’s me! And That’s me! And That’s me too. Then I saw this.
I think I started worrying about what people think about me and how I might make them feel about me since early childhood. There’s no fault on anyone’s part here. It just happened. And I’m beginning to see improvements in me one little baby step at a time.
Thanks again y’all for having my back.
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