NF - Running
This song has me in TEARS right now. I feel like this sums up how I’ve been feeling this week in regards to my relationship. I have fiive months clean and he is still actively using. I love him with all my heart but I feel myself outgrowing him. I just wish he would get it, but today I know, “Only addicts who are still suffering, if given the opportunity, can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. We can carry the message, but WE CAN’T CARRY THE ADDICT.”
God, I hope he makes it home someday.
If anyone reads this please send a little prayer our way. Thank you.
So true. It isn’t up to you to make him sober. Its up to you to keep yourself sober.
Same shoes over here although my guy really doesn’t want to quit.
I’m sending all the strength your way. 🩷 Stay sober and you can’t lose. We’ll have to let them sort themselves out.
Alright I pondered it and I have to admit it had me pretty lost in my head all day.
Verdict: I need a therapist No news flash there. That will be my birthday gift to myself this year.
Other verdict. I choose emotionally unavailable men so I can remain emotionally unavailable. Part of me doesn’t think I am capable of love where I am mentally and emotionally, and sometimes my husband agrees. Maybe this is deep, maybe it is right at the surface but I have lots of emotional stuff I have never worked through surrounding self-worth. My husband pursued me for 10+ years before I would make a commitment because I was scared to try at love.
What I do know today though is that when I told my husband I was having a hard day mentally and felt like I was being bitchy to everyone he told me that I was a beautiful person and that I should rest if I felt the need.
Maybe I am hiding in emotional unavailability but it feels like where I should be for now. As annoying as it can be when my husband drinks I feel safest with him. 🩶🩷 And now a little nighttime tears. I needed a cry.
I just listened to the song, it’s a powerful message, thank you for sharing it. I hope you stay strong, stay focused on your own goals. Sending you love and prayers.
Great reminder. Had a discussion about this very thing last night with husband. He thinks his drinking and weed smoking is a healthy way to cope with life’s challenges. Blames his depression on all the problems in the world with the wars and the politics.Can’t see how his wine and weed abuse only makes him even more depressed and unable to cope! Dog chases tail.
And I am powerless over this . So yup, gotta keep focused on my own serenity.
guys Imma need your support today. I’m stuck at my parents’ house for holiday and dog reasons to do w my ex’s work schedule and unbeknownst to me my mother had planned to bring her father here today. my granddad and his by now deceased wife were sexually inappropriate w me and my sister during our childhoods and adolescenthoods. we didn’t have language for any of that until a few yrs ago when my sister and I confessed both our hatred and disgust re the old ppl to one another and facilitated through my therapy we could talk about it in clear terms. we have never told my mother, she idolises her parents tho she is severely fucked up as a person and cannot remember all but two (horrible) things from her own childhood. I have told my father a year or two ago about the comments and touching from my granddad, just to get him off my back about my animosity and reluctance to visit the old guy. but he just said he can hardly believe it and we should not tell my mother. I don’t want to anyway, I don’t want the rejection from her or deal w her denial or anything.
just asking for a bit of support today while I’m stuck in this house. I’m trying to do some university work and take care of my dogs. that’s all. and then getting the fuck out of here later today.
What a awful situation. Never understand how parents can no believe their own kids in cases like that. Stay strong and get the hell out of there when you can. Old ppl are not getting cute just because they are old.
when his wife (who was just as sick emotionally and mentally as he is) died she was barely even cold before he told the family he was going to “get a young woman from asia”. she could then live w him for free (in a tiny godforsaken german village in the middle of nowhere) and clean cook and take care of his male needs in turn cos he still had those, y’know! she’d surely be glad just to be in Germany…!
he was in his mid 80s then. that was not cute. my mother was shocked he could dishonour the memory of this late wife like that but she repressed any of this ever happened asap. the old man did thankfully not get his sex and house slave.
I can’t offer any advice that’ll make the situation better or go faster for you. Ive talked to you a few times and read you’re comments to other people, so I know you’re a good person with a big heart. All I can say is that I hope you take solice in the fact that you and your sister are breaking the cycle of that type of family dysfunction. And doing everything you need to do to be a better person than they’ll ever be. Hope you’re home at your flat soon.
I am so sorry for the uncomfortable situation you are in right now. I can understand your not wanting to talk to your mom about it – Sad that she would not believe her children.
So grateful for this. Definitely not a cute old man.!
I see this was posted 4 hours ago…how are you doing?! Can you make a safe exit now?
I am glad you have your dog with you …can take him for a walk if the weather isn’t too horrible. I do hope you are able to stay clear from him while you are at the house.
Here if you need to chat. Sending you strength and support!
Hey guys thanks for the support. All went well. I kept my distance and wasn’t reprimanded for it which was good. And now I’m home again. Will do some self care to come down from this intense holiday time.
Urgh. Just remember boundaries are your entitlement. You don’t have to tell her if you do not want to, but you also don’t have to be overly civil. Period. Protect yourself and do what you need to do to get the hell out of there safely and mentally intact and however you see fit. I’m sorry there isn’t more wraparound support for you. Hugs it will pass.
Ty that’s excellent advice and that’s pretty much what I did. I’m just sitting at home now trying to process the emotional drain and trying to do some small things for myself to come back to a good stable place. This wasn’t the only kinda icky situation w my fam over Xmas. And I’m really proud of myself I handled it all pretty well overall and didn’t abandon myself w awful coping or mental self annihilation. Gotta see how the next couple days play out I’m prone to fall into a deep depression after these visits, always have been.
I was able to enjoy my family too tho, difficult as they are, they are grey ppl not black and white, they all have their connection points w me too and are not awful humans.
Except that granddad. But you know what, even he’s just a poor bastard with a terrible life and never had a real chance to become a better person I guess. Was no therapy back in his day and he would never done it anyway. He’s in a wheel chair now and got the Alzheimer’s. Never liked animals. My Poppy went up to him and stared at him and I saw him all of a sudden make a half smile and coo at her. I held her up to his arms and he started stroking her gently, a smile on his face and asked her how she was doing and called her Bobbe cos he can’t speak no more. Was such a strange moment. Nice and sad. Full on grey. Even a broken person/total arsehole like him has kindness and the ability to love in him, every one does, somehow. A shame he wasn’t able in his active life time to develop it towards his fellow humans or animals but treated everyone like shit his entire life. Most of all his children.
But yeah, metabolising the grey and putting my own wellbeing top, both are big challenges and rewarding to learn.
Grateful you are home safely grateful that you were able to have your boundaries and practice your coping skills (so sorry that you needed them).
I know my mind and body take time to process such events so it’s normal to feel the effects from today later in the week. Know that we are here for you. You are not alone and don’t need to process this solo.
Wow. That’s a lot, to put it lightly…
I’m picturing all of your deadlifts having built a literal fortress of emotional strength and protection around you, one that you are somehow still able to generously let through some compassion for (and insight about) them, him. It’s pretty awe-striking, I have to say.
Wishing you a return to inner peace and healthy distance from all of this.
Thank you this means a lot. Indeed one of the things I have to work on most most most is distance and to not lose my identity in the face of other ppls problems and needs. I call that codependency.
Lifting has helped me w that so much because it has allowed me to feel myself, at all and consistently. I didn’t used to feel myself physically at all. Ty for your kind words.
I think you can wonder forever if hurt people can only heal with help and privilege… Makes you wonder if we need to make generous excuses for hurtful and abusive people… Difficult… We are a newer generation with better visions of what’s acceptable, but I do think some people just don’t have the capacity at all to morally split the deck of reasonable, or find common ground to exist in respect and nurture. Narcissism, evil, self centredness… Whatever word we use for some people. Interesting, isn’t it?
My family are a total shit show and I only have my sister left now (estranged 20 years w/ dad and this is the 3rd Xmas w/o my mom). My sister has elected to follow me and she saw that we just could not negotiate it safely anymore without real damage or carnage happening. I’m not sure I even envy tolerating a family tbh, my head feels better with space. Only guilt and shame make their appearances lots and I really have to work on that.
So I would say to you what I have said to myself over and over. You are a good person, you deserve, you take up the space you need to now settle your equilibrium. Don’t let them take this from you
No news flash there. That will be my birthday gift to myself this year.
All went well. I kept my distance and wasn’t reprimanded for it which was good. And now I’m home again. Will do some self care to come down from this intense holiday time.
it will pass.
