Im grateful for you too youve also helped me plenty of times, im the same…with all you wonderful people on here i rekon i could get through anything xxx 
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My sponsee is back out, I can feel her pain even though she isnt feeling it. All I can do is pray she survives and finds her way back. I am powerless over addiction, mine and everyone else’s. These are the nights I do tonglen meditations, these are the nights I send out my light. Even though I am powerless over addiction I still have power over how I deal with the situation and I choose love. Anger, sadness, fear all vibrate at the same low frequency as active addiction. If I sit in those emotions I am no help to anyone, its always up to me to take care of my energy so that I can help people out of darkness.
We do recover if we surrender.
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So sorry about your sponsor. The way you are responding to the situation is an inspiration for me. I need frequent reminders to surrender. And the Tonglen practice is something I can do more often as well. 
many thanks.
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Dear folks, I need a vent, rant, outlet, not quite knowing where this post will go.
I AM PISSED 
I am so pissed off my ex I wish this - oh I even don’t know how to call that - would make poooof and I would be released from him. Like in a comic.
This annoying ex came to the farm today and if I hadn’t been there he AGAIN had thrown away stuff from me and claimed stuff from me being his 
And my gut feeling for the trial appointment next friday tells me to tell my lawyer to fucking grill this asshole. No more postponing, derailing, egotrips or whatever fuckery else he wants. Close.that.fucking.case.
I went so mad today I bluntly throw in his face that his fucking swigging caused the big bang and the farm is only mutual property because I fucking payed for it, loved him, believed in him and a life together until we’re old and grey, and I was a fucking stupid chicken without head when I decided to make the worst mistake of my life.
I think I reached the point where I just want him out and off the farm and my life. To my big surprise I was angry today, pissed, again speechless about his behaviour and non-communication but one thing was absent: Love. Not a single moment I looked at him and saw the man I once loved. Obviously approaching the 2 year mark in may casts it’s shadow. Maybe I’m fed up with fuckery for the rest of my life. For sure I cried in the supermarket when I saw the oranges because I loved to make us fresh orange juice for years. I stopped like so much because he was absent, lost interest, I didn’t want to pamper him and be nice when he drank … I clearly saw the path of deterioration our relationship took staring at a box of oranges, crying.
FUBAR. fucked up beyond repair. i thank @Soberbilly for this. It hits the point.
Now I’m home with steak & potatoes awaiting a friend late afternoon for a marvellous dinner. And I’m grateful I don’t ask myself anymore why this (quality time) wasn’t doable in our marriage. I know the answer, it’s the same for everything: He doesn’t care. The End.
Thanks for letting me get this out. Feel a lot better now and rest a bit before I start cooking.
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Vent all you need to, I certainly do! Fucking game playing sucks! I can even imagine the level of frustration and fuckery that would happen if I walked out on my husband. Too late for me, but you have a lot of life ahead, stay strong (and funny:face_with_hand_over_mouth:). 
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Im affected by my son…he is 23 years old. An adult. But gosh its hard for me. Ive set boundaries as of now. But in my mind i still want to know if hes okay or where he is. I stopped helping him because he was not listening or taking my help into consideration. I just figered i cant help someone who doesnt wanna be helped. I rarely keep in comtact with him. If i do hes always asking for money. Which i stopped giving him. Idk… i do need to attend a al anon
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YES - he has taken advantage of your sweet heart for way too long. I am grateful that you are able to come here and vent. We are here to listen whenever you need. It was good that you listened to your voice and got yourself to the farm so you could witness this today. I do hope that you are able close this case once and for all and keep him out of your life. 
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Its got to be hard with a child as i know the motherly instincts kick in and can make it hard to keep the boundaries. Al Anon is a great idea… I have not personally gone but do know many who have benefited.
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I’m sorry you are going through this, Crystal. You love your son and want him to have a good life, but it’s in his hands. So hard to step back and let go, knowing the suffering that may result from choices he is making. They are his choices, true. But that doesn’t remove the concern, the worry, the fear, the love, the hope, the pain, all of it. I do find an Al Anon book that Eric mentioned while ago called Courage to Change helpful in my situation. Maybe check into it, or if you think an Al anon meeting would be helpful, do attend one and see. Hugs to you.
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Thank you so much @JazzyS I see in hindsight that I always have to trust my gut. Might sound weird but something in me can smell such settings, upcomings, occurances, whatever you call it. I can smell it, I get nervous, I act out of shape, I go weird, I follow my gut … I fucking could smell those kinds of fuckery for all my life.
Thank you for encouraging me and for being there 
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I only can send you hugs and be proud of you that you are not enabling his addiction.
there have been quite some discussions on enabling, if you like to look up the keyword.
ODAAT
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Good work getting this off your chest. Anger is a killer and I’m glad you are feeling it. From one kitty Mama to another
Let it out!
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And yet I read real freedom here my lovely. You are strong and brave, remember that. You have seen through the bullshit. Sending love 
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totally understand this and grateful that you can properly listen to your senses. I’ve known people that can pick up on things and its great when you know and are able to listen to the cues.
Fuck the fuckery! The new 2024 motto 
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Last night I almost slipped on SH due to the deep soul ache that I feel. Its not sadness, I dont feel like I am taking on her emotions or holding on to stuff that isnt mine. It is the identification that I feel with her on such a deep level. Its how vividly I remember where she is at and how real that pain can come back to my heart and body in seconds. Its how desperate I can feel and how quickly I can go dark when I allow myself to be taken back there. My life was way beyond unmanageable when i came into recovery 4 years ago, it was unbearable, completely unlivable. So much so that even 4 years later when I am reminded of the spiritual pain I was in I am triggered to cut.
I am so grateful for the support I have around me, for the very strong foundation I have built in my recovery and the incredibly hard work I have put in. In my check in last night i ended with something like “thats not my life anymore” (SH) but I am humbled and know that it could be with one wrong choice.
So yeah today I am deeply affected by a loved one who is detoxing from only God knows. She is violently ill and last time I detoxed from rock I wasnt shitting and puking my face off. I pray she can stay clean, one more day. Prayers are welcome. 
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Ask and you shall receive. You’re in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.
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Including you and your mentee in my prayers Thank you for sharing, it touches me deeply
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I love it! A wise way to cope with life this year 
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A little bird told me it might be time for an update.
Well, I fucking hate hate hate hate my addict!! But I think I’m getting better. It’s ok to hate my alcoholic. I love my wife. That’s why I’m still in this fight.
Ya know I go to Al-Anon meetings 4-6 times a week. One of them is an AA meeting. I’ve got a sponser now. A therapist. A couple of Al-Anon friends. I don’t get out much with them. Maybe some day. I don’t know.
Anyway…. We try to keep the focus on us. Not the alcoholic. And I try really hard to do that. I need to learn more about this disease and how to live my life and not worry about the alcoholic and what might or might not happen.
So……… last time I checked in I don’t know…… I have a boundary that is if she has more than 2 drinks I’m on a plane outta here. I have seen what happens to her after 2 drinks. It’s not pretty. I still have my own ptsd about that last time in September. I was traumatized. Or was it October?
So anyway. We been doing pretty good. Or more like I’ve been doing ok. Not bad. I’m surrounding myself with recovery and it makes me feel good. Well, in Cali in November she had a couple of glasses of wine each night out to dinner and got really pissed off at me when she found out I had all the booze and wine removed from out room. She says I’m still trying to control her drinking. I’m not responsible for her feelings. I’m doing that for me. But it still hurts that she says that.
So London in December she went back off the rails. Even in front of my son. She wasn’t trashed drunk. But she was drinking afternoons and evenings and night caps. Hey it’s London! She’s on vacation right? We’ve all used that excuse. I know I have. We get back from London and she says she’s going to do better. And ya. I know this is an alcoholic talking so I try not to roll my eyes and say BULLSHIT!
So January. Damp January. Moist January what-the-fuck-ever January. How bout I’m drinking January? She figures out she can have 6 glasses a wine per week. So she can have 2 glasses of wine out 3 nights a week with dinner. That was her plan. Not mine. But I did say if you have more I’m leaving to visit one of the kids. So eventually the 2 6oz pours became 2 8 or 9 oz pours. I know. I’m watching it as it’s a progressive disease. I try not to watch it. That’s not my job but it’s right in front of my face. I’m not blind.
So last trip to cali the 2 glasses turned into……Another glass at the hotel bar or room service. So we are up to 3 glasses of wine now. So I get to watch first hand this fucking progressive disease just slowly take over my wife again. And it FUCKING SUCKS,
Whenever we get home from a trip when she’s drinking it takes me a few days to process and get on with my life. And today I finally had a great day. Until……… she wants a 3rd glass of wine at home. Here we go! 
We had an uncomfortable conversation on the way home but I did not over react. I was as calm as possible. A bit shaky but not too bad. I finally realized I was angry. I already told her I’m frightened about what happens. Could happen after she has 2 drinks. But I also said I’m feel angry. I think this is big for me. I feel angry 
it’s just a feeling. I didn’t explode. Stomp my feet. I just said “I feel angry. I’m fighting like hell for our marriage.” Again she says I won’t be happy unless she stops drinking and I’m controlling her. It really pisses me off when she says I’m controlling her. But I stayed calm. Finally I just said she’s got to do what she’s got to do. And I got to do what I got to do. Full stop 
She came home finished some dishes of hers and sat down with a warm glass of white cooking wine I get in small boxes. So she got her 3 glass in at home. It’s so fucking sad.
I’m not catching a plane out of here. But I guess I got to move my boundary a little. I do get to however call my sponser in the morning. I got my therapist on Mondays now. I got a meeting Sunday night. And I might just call the kids and tell them I’m scared and don’t know what to do. It’s not a secret anymore. But it would become a secret again if I don’t share my grief with my children. And friends.
I got to admit I was pretty fucking shaky and got that pit in my stomach on the way home. But after PMing a good friend here. Playing a few memes. Sharing my experience strength and hope on the check in thread. We actually eventually watched a little tv and still talked to each other like regular people.
I don’t know exactly what I’ll do tomorrow but I will be sharing with family or friends and sponser. And I got my meeting.
It’s a fucking disease. A progressive disease. And frankly it pisses me off when people at Al-Anon meetings tell me just for today. Get rid of the what ifs! Like what if the drunken chaos doesn’t happen? Most stuff we worry about doesn’t happen. But you know what? It’s a progressive disease. I’m watching and living it getting worse. So it’s not so easy.
Let go let god. I do. And I pray for her. And I do a lot of 3 stepping around here.
So ya. It fucking sucks! Did I already say that. And ya I’m getting better. Slowly. But it’s so dang hard.
Thanks if you actually read this whole load of shit. But it did feel good to drop it here with friends. Dear friends. Ya youz.
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Thanks M.
You’re a dear.
Didn’t sound right calling you a raccoon 
Love the perfect hug.
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