So we had “The Talk.”
I hate “the talk.” Even when they are sober.
I know not to talk about shit when she’s had even just 1.
I’m watching it progress. Cuz that’s what it does. Finally mentioned it yesterday morning that the 3 drinks isn’t working for me. You’re just a different person. And I can’t be around that. You change. She agreed. But she was angry. And silent most of the day until she let it rip!
To be expected.
It’s what alcoholics do.
But she attacked my meetings and said I’m not getting any better and I’m still miserable all the time. And we have to plan our life around my 20 meetings a week
I got 7 meetings a week I enjoy going to. But ya know life gets in the way. I rarely do all 7. But I enjoy the hell out of them. Etc… etc… etc…
Anyway………
this morning up and on TS and I’m still thinking about my hurt feelings over her comments about me and my meetings.
So step 1. I’m powerless over my alcoholic whether she’s drinking or not. It’s the alcoholic attacking me not my wife.
Step 2. I got a creator. A god. A higher power. My meetings. You guys.
Step 3. I’m going to turn it over to you guys right now and try to just leave it here. And not pick it up again today. Y’all take it. And I’ll call my sponsor if I want to later today.
Step 4. take inventory. Ya I’m taking it personally again. Poor me. Oh is that the victim dance
So I guess
Step 5. Admitted to you guys I’m taking it personally and let it go. And ask my HP to help me let it go.
And that’s about as far as I get. Still learning these steps and how to use them with any and every day problems.
I got a great big beautiful Friday a head with the house and some fun insurance work to do. I’m so blessed I’m moving to a state where no one in state will insure us. They are not making money insuring homes in Cali so they all pulled out. Apparently fires aren’t good for businesses. Funny how this I’m not worried about. Just my stupid poor me feelings. Thanks for reading. I’m grateful to leave my baggage here. Hopefully it will get lost and never found.
Ouch, that hurts. Could be my ex talking, always blaming me, not seeing his contribution to me being mad & sad.
Vent away dear friend, enjoy your meetings, keep your head up.
I will never fully get the concept of differentiating between “the alcoholic” and “the person”. I admire you that you try hard to not take it personally. This shit hurts. And all the energy you put into coping with the situation albeit seeing it progress. It’s so fucking hard.
The logic of the argument brought a bitter smile to my lips.
What a brutal way to neglect responsibility and cause-and-effect-chain. I’m grateful you once (or more) mentioned: you are doing something right concerning enabling when your addict doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. Still a thought that I chew on in letting go.
Sending you hugs, you are doing what’s helping you, keep going
I actually came across that yesterday looking through all my Al-Anon notes.
This one? If the addict is happy with you, you’re probably in enabling. If the addict is mad at you, you’re probably trying to save their life.
I’m still learning. I’ve got it down pretty good when alcohol is chosen over me. That isn’t personal to me anymore. Still fucking hurts a bit. But it’s the disease. And she isn’t actually choosing alcohol over me. That was just my stinking thinking.
But when we are having a conversation when she is sober I guess I got to remember it’s still the alcoholic talking. And it kinda hurt more. The alcoholic probably needed a drink and was lashing out at me. And sometimes I just got to feel like shit and not beat myself up when I do feel like shit.
It’s ok to feel like shit.
Yes, this is the quote
I hope it gets better for you, it can be so hurting and lonely beside an addict.
My ex showed up today again to fumble on his fucking dry stone wall. Of course without notice or hello. I really was grateful that I was already fully dressed to leave the house, so a quick good morni g and information transfer from me and off I was. NO fucking codependent hanging around watching him work. As it is full moon I’m not surprised I’m such a lovehungry crybaby today. The ME that is fine with cutting him out of my life had no chance to be heard today. Sigh. Blame it on the moon and off to bed soon!
I’m always trying to figure out what robs me of my serenity. And I’ve been stuck on being judgmental. Whenever I’m loosing my serenity I try to think if I’m judging someone and usually I am and it is robbing me of my serenity.
But I discovered another one that is HUGE for me. Taking things personally, really robs me of my serenity.
It’s been a rough week with all in my world. And just a little while ago I’m chatting about the new house with wifey and I want to install some shelves here in the family room. She doesn’t think shelves would look good. And she thinks we should wait until we see the house again together and check it out. Next thing you know I’m like ok. Well let’s just throw all our books away that we’ve been carting around for ten years if you don’t want any shelves in the house!!! Why? Why? Why? Did that come out of my head and mouth. Why do I take everything she says so personally. She’s not drinking this morning. We were just having a nice conversation dreaming about our new home together. That I started!!
I don’t know. But I think I’m learning a lot about myself. And how much of me is the problem. I got to fix me. So I got in Insight Timer for my walk and searched “taking things personally,” and found this. It was Gold.
I agree with this wholeheartedly and going through it at the present time. My alcoholic husband puts the guilt on me that I’m leaving him and that I’m not there and I’m like you have to be there for yourself in order for you to be there for me and this marriage and in order to do that you have to be well mentally and physically, and until then I won’t be around except for going to treatment with you other than that I can be supportive from a distance to protect my own peace so it’s true when the addict is angry you’re doing something right when they’re happy you’re enabling Amen to that so true
Anyway….
Our meeting tonight was about taking care of ourselves. Protecting your peace is a great way to do that.
Nice to see you back and checking in.
I get a lot of hope and spiritual fullness going to Al-Anon meetings. It really helps me a lot.
OMG I must have did that somehow by accident I really need to get on my laptop instead of my phone I’m going to repost because I remember most of it cuz it just happened today thanks so much for noticing that sorry I must have hit something wrong
I was just reading the posts here and noticed the same thing. But I do remember your hubby telling you he does want to get sober. And is going into treatment. Which is great news. Hopefully he can get some clarity on his father’s role in keeping him stuck also. And it is so important to keep taking care of yourself. Thanks for sharing what’s happening, it helps me keep perspective in my own situation.
I recently accidentally deleted my last topic by accident, but basically was saying my verbally alcoholic husband has reached out and said he wanted to get help but his family has told me that he still drinks 12 hours straight and is still missing work due to it and still verbally abuses his family around him. Even though I hope and pray he will go through the treatment to get the help he needs I never listen to his sober sorry because I’ve heard it a million times, so the only time I talk to him last week Friday was to set up a treatment program and I explained to him that unless he follows through this time I still will keep myself separated for my peace and mental health, that’s when I hear the I left him I’m not there for him and I’m like in order to be there for you I have to be well mentally and I can’t do that around you when you are intoxicated and getting verbal so I pray that this is the time he’s serious about treatment, he’s also on the verge of losing his job from the constant call outs last week due to the alcohol hangovers. I love that I found you all on this site and really helps me cope keep us in your prayers, and I hope everyone and their situations are looking up
Yes I have to admit I’ve been a strong person throughout this on my own but this site really has given me more strength I’m so blessed to have found you all and yes I hope this is the time that he decides to get sober he’s about to lose his job if he doesn’t get it together. And I will keep you and your situation in my prayers also.
Reading this, just jsut made me realize, it’s not only true for addicts, but any codependent and toxic relationship. With one difference though. When the other side is mad at you, you’re probably trying to save your own life :). Still feeling guilty sometimes for chosing me. Reading the above gave me the reassurance, that the anger on the other side is actually a good thing. It means a pattern that served the other side more than it was serving me, is changing. Whether they want to be part of the change is on them. Thank you for the share Eric
These reactions are usually coming from a much younger, traumatize version of us that is stuck in an experience. This part of you is one of the many voices in your head and you just let him out. The therapy I am doing is called IFS (Internal Family System) it has helped me understand myself on such a deep level, I highly recommend it. What I am learning is that when I act out like that its because I am trying to save myself from being hurt in some way, that part in my head (because it is younger) has crappy coping skill, interpersonal skills, etc etc. If I am able to get to the root cause about what I feel threatened about, in your situation I might think that wifey doesnt trust me, or maybe she doesnt think I have good ideas or something like that… but once I can get to the root I can understand and hold that part of myself with compassion. “Ah, I see you were just trying to protect me,thanks, but I got this.” Usually those parts in our heads arent used to us (the essences of us, our soul, heart, wisdom) being capable of taking care because we have just let them (the voices in our heads) run wild like unparented children our whole lives. Now we are in recovery we are learning to access our heart and live a spiritual life. It takes time to trust ourselves, and the best way to start is to be understanding and compassionate with why you do what you do.
Feeling very lonely today. I am at 20 days sober today and very proud of myself. I was out of the house most of the day yesterday and came home to my husband who had been drinking all day. He was a mess and a conversation was not even possible. He went to bed at 8:30 which was nice so I could enjoy my quiet time. He is back at it this morning (started at 8am). He has not once told me he is proud of me and seems to be drinking my share of the alcohol. Again, I think he is waiting for me to fail.
We are going to see our grown children next week and I know I will get lots of support from them. My daughter is pregnant and I don’t want to stress her with this.
Hey Kristen big hug
I’m so sorry for your circumstances but glad you came here to let it out. Big congrats on your 20 days of sobriety. I don’t think your husband wants you to fail. It’s just this fucking family disease. It’s so hard. If you read early on in this thread you can see how I was kind of exactly where you are. Although I was focused so much on my sobriety my wife’s continued drinking and passing out didn’t bother me as much then.
I know this kind of loneliness you are talking about. It hurts deeply. I know there are people on this forum and they live alone and feel lonely and I don’t know what that is like. We have a different kind of loneliness living with an alcoholic we love who just cannot be there for us. And it’s very difficult not to take it personally.
And it’s hard being alone and not telling our children about our dirty little secret. My grown up children knew. But I didn’t use them for support. They didn’t know how bad it actually is though.
Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting? If not can you get to an Al-Anon meeting on line? Al-Anon has saved my life. And now Al-Anon is saving my marriage.
I hope you are having a good workout.
Check back later if you’re willing.
I’m not worried about. Just my stupid poor me feelings. Thanks for reading. I’m grateful to leave my baggage here. Hopefully it will get lost and never found.
I like this a lot.