OMG I love your wicked sense of humor 
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Thanks for saying that. It touches me. And I also am grateful for this thread. I learn so much.
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I can see and hear you 
Well done, this way kids learn fast and tbh it made me laugh louder than I should bringing back good memories of my own childhood 
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Thank you for this . You dealth with his lies for 4-5 years ?
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Yes. and I still deal w the repercussions of this massive world of lies to this day.
From my side, since I didn’t know he was lying, I dealt w the wonderful relationship slowly and imperceptibly changing for that long. we went from totally involved in each other and deeply to connected to just me, still feeling the same way and asking my bf what was wrong many many times and he would deny deny deny anything at all was wrong. he looked at me different. he used to have this deep glow and warmth and love in his eyes for me at all times. he began avoiding me, avoiding looking at me in general. became very evasive. it was as if the real him was absent and some excuse was there instead. the slow cooling and withholding and starving me of the love I’d been getting and I was myself giving all the time, without that ever being acknowledged, that was the worst of it all. him becoming someone else and me shifting around so I wouldn’t have to notice. I also drank so hard towards the end to keep myself in this painful ignorance I’m pretty sure.
he also became a very very negative person and very blamey and gulting w me. passive-aggressive and childish, deflecting blame and responsibility even when there wasn’t even any to deflect to begin w, when it was about nothing. I know now this was because of his own guilt, that was so huge he couldn’t let himself feel it and therefore turnt it into resentment towards me (nice huh), but when I didn’t know, the entire world just seemed ununderstandible to me. everything shifted, and I couldn’t put my finger on it, how and what was happening. it was maddening and so sad and lonely.
the sex became well, first awful and then it stopped altogether. I got the blame for that too. I developed body dysmorphia pretty bad. I have always been a flirty and sexually intense person, all that went away. completely disconnected from my sexual self and my body in general. blamed myself for that too. I couldn’t blame him cos that would have meant realising that he was withholiding physical affection, not me, and really beginning to ask the hard questions in a hard way and be prepared to hear the answers. I was so deep in denial it took me a long time and two yrs of recovery and therapy to be able to look at him and see. I was two yrs sober when I was ready to break up cos it was so bad w him, despite how much I loved him, and only this pressure finally made him open his goddam mouth about what was going on. then it was a long drawnout process with more lies and coverups until I finally had all the truth. that’s when I made that post.
then anoher year of him already doing “recovery” and therapy but still getting nowhere, still making inappropriate “friendships” w slutty work colleagues (it takes one to know one guys, I’m not shaming her for being a slut, just saying that when my ex was trying to tell me they were becoming friends I was like no motherfucker, wake up and stop lying to us both this is not a goddam friendship) in the face of my pain, and worst of all, really, and actually the reason I ended it: no way back to physical intimacy w me, at all. no matter how much I tried and hoped and waited. always promising and leading me on knowing I would wait because I loved him and wanted to have our life together. unable to be frank w himself. and therefore w me. that hurt a lot and I lacked a lot. in the end, I had to be the one to call a spade a spade and leave him. he continued to still lead me on w hope for a very very long time and I still hoped.
we have a good relationship now. I have a lot of love for him still and a small part of me still wishes this was all different and all this would have never happened - but I have accepted that he’s not who I thought he is (or anyone for that matter, as he’s one of these men that just positively spill over w kindness towards others, friends and strangers, always ready to help, working very hard to keep that squeky clean image intact, medical professional, extremely handsome - this on top of the utter bizarreness of what he had done made it very hard for me to get much sympathy from anyone who knows him) or what I need in a man and that he has taken too much from me to give him more as a partner. I still give a lot as a friend cos that’s just the way I love. and that I need something else. so we try to have a honest relatioship which is hard cos as a SA, his motives and wishes are often not clear to himself at all. he’s still very codependent w me and uses me in his head a lot as an excuse to not do stuff.
I have become a lot more independent. but I still benefit from our relationship and the mutual support we give each other. we are also dedicated dog parents.
I’ve just got a tattoo the other day for the journey i’ve come through coming out of my own sexual disconnectedness and forced abstinence and into my body over the last couple years. which I felt very hopeless about at times. it’s a journey, but no longer a closed door. 
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That’s good that you put your kids first. In my situation my alcoholic verbally abusive husband, is staying with his dad while we are separated. His dad knows how to limit his own drinking but knows his son is a full-blown alcoholic that can’t control himself when drunk wants to fight and argue and barely abuse all of us, so I’m recently at a family members house while he’s at his dad’s I tried to get his dad on the same page as me to maybe not have a 30 pack of beer every single day in the home to try to help his son on the right road to sobriety, he tells me his son is a grown man he knows how to limit his drinking and it’s not his responsibility it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle I feel like divorce is going to be the only answer cuz as long as he’s there he’s going to drink more. So I praise that you gave up drinking to help your son wish my father in law does the same 
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Hello. I’ve not been wanting to write this but today’s the day. Sigh
My husband is a screen addict. It’s the only thing he does in his free time atm. I mean literally, he is staring at his phone non stop between his work shifts. He eats but barely and mostly crap which is not good since he’s diabetic. Sometimes he doesn’t sleep. 99% of household work falls on me. Most communication attempts come from me. He is in his cocoon blocking off everything, including me. We’ve been married for 9 months. Yesterday morning I totally lost it when I tried to get him off the phone for a bit and he just completely ignored me. I was raging, banging and throwing things (not at him tho) and yelling. Not proud of my behaviour, not trying to justify it. I reached a limit and wanted him to take me seriously.
We’ve talked about this issue. He knows root reasons but is not able to address them and he’s depressed too. I’ve been begging him to get help and he will see a therapist in a week or so. He knows this is hard on me too, especially when he isolates and blocks me out. I do my best to be supportive and not nag. Some days are better than others. Today is really hard. I’m not sleeping either.
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Olivia, I’m sorry I didn’t get to this earlier! This is a challenging and difficult situation. Glad you have reached out. How do we support loved ones who are deep into their addictions? Al anon has been suggested here many times. I have found a couple books from Al anon to be helpful. One is called One Day At a Time, the other is Courage To Change. Coming to TS and this thread is very helpful as well.
It’s so damned hard, like walking a tightrope sometimes. wanting our loved ones to get help, to see the damage their addictions cause , but unfortunately they won’t change until they see it themselves. So glad your guy is at least willing to see a therapist. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, take care of yourself. 
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Ugh fuck Olivia. I’m sorry to read this. Holy shit. I never thought Al-Anon would be for this too. Wow! It is an addiction too right. I’m floored at this situation. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it must hurt you deeply. If I can help. I’m here for ya. Vent away. Don’t keep it in. None of this shit is easy. I am getting so much better. But I have tons of access to meetings here in Arizona. And I enjoy going to meeting more than being with my wife when she’s drinking. But at least we got 40 years. You’re new in your marriage and I can only assume you’d rather not be spending all your time in meetings even if you could. Dang this sucks. Keep reading around this thread. Maybe you find a nugget or a word of wisdom. Or a slogan you can remember when dealing with your husband about this.
Like THINK
When you are talking to someone with an addiction THINK
Is it:
Thoughtful
Helpful
Intelligent
Necessary
Kind
Or there was one guy who always said when talking to an addict. “Just Be Nice.”
I know you’re not alone. My niece’s second husband was an addicted gamer. He didn’t do shit around the house. Didn’t even let the dogs out for their business or clean up after them. My poor niece was so distraught. Addiction sucks.
I happy you shared here. So sorry about your circumstances. But you know we’re here for ya.
Love you kid.
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So we had “The Talk.” 
I hate “the talk.” Even when they are sober.
I know not to talk about shit when she’s had even just 1.
I’m watching it progress. Cuz that’s what it does. Finally mentioned it yesterday morning that the 3 drinks isn’t working for me. You’re just a different person. And I can’t be around that. You change. She agreed. But she was angry. And silent most of the day until she let it rip!
To be expected.
It’s what alcoholics do.
But she attacked my meetings and said I’m not getting any better and I’m still miserable all the time. And we have to plan our life around my 20 meetings a week
I got 7 meetings a week I enjoy going to. But ya know life gets in the way. I rarely do all 7. But I enjoy the hell out of them. Etc… etc… etc…
Anyway………
this morning up and on TS and I’m still thinking about my hurt feelings over her comments about me and my meetings.
So step 1. I’m powerless over my alcoholic whether she’s drinking or not. It’s the alcoholic attacking me not my wife.
Step 2. I got a creator. A god. A higher power. My meetings. You guys.
Step 3. I’m going to turn it over to you guys right now and try to just leave it here. And not pick it up again today. Y’all take it. And I’ll call my sponsor if I want to later today.
Step 4. take inventory. Ya I’m taking it personally again. Poor me. Oh is that the victim dance 
So I guess
Step 5. Admitted to you guys I’m taking it personally and let it go. And ask my HP to help me let it go.
And that’s about as far as I get. Still learning these steps and how to use them with any and every day problems.
I got a great big beautiful Friday a head with the house and some fun insurance work to do. I’m so blessed I’m moving to a state where no one in state will insure us. They are not making money insuring homes in Cali so they all pulled out. Apparently fires aren’t good for businesses. Funny how this 
I’m not worried about. Just my stupid poor me feelings. Thanks for reading. I’m grateful to leave my baggage here. Hopefully it will get lost and never found.
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Vent away, dear Eric. Plenty of room for it here. Those difficult conversations are… difficult.
Aftermaths can be ugly. Glad you have good support.
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Ouch, that hurts. Could be my ex talking, always blaming me, not seeing his contribution to me being mad & sad.
Vent away dear friend, enjoy your meetings, keep your head up.
I will never fully get the concept of differentiating between “the alcoholic” and “the person”. I admire you that you try hard to not take it personally. This shit hurts. And all the energy you put into coping with the situation albeit seeing it progress. It’s so fucking hard.
The logic of the argument brought a bitter smile to my lips.
What a brutal way to neglect responsibility and cause-and-effect-chain. I’m grateful you once (or more) mentioned: you are doing something right concerning enabling when your addict doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. Still a thought that I chew on in letting go.
Sending you hugs, you are doing what’s helping you, keep going
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I actually came across that yesterday looking through all my Al-Anon notes.
This one?
If the addict is happy with you, you’re probably in enabling. If the addict is mad at you, you’re probably trying to save their life.
I’m still learning. I’ve got it down pretty good when alcohol is chosen over me. That isn’t personal to me anymore. Still fucking hurts a bit. But it’s the disease. And she isn’t actually choosing alcohol over me. That was just my stinking thinking.
But when we are having a conversation when she is sober I guess I got to remember it’s still the alcoholic talking. And it kinda hurt more. The alcoholic probably needed a drink and was lashing out at me. And sometimes I just got to feel like shit and not beat myself up when I do feel like shit.
It’s ok to feel like shit.
Thanks
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Yes, this is the quote
I hope it gets better for you, it can be so hurting and lonely beside an addict.
My ex showed up today again to fumble on his fucking dry stone wall. Of course without notice or hello. I really was grateful that I was already fully dressed to leave the house, so a quick good morni g and information transfer from me and off I was. NO fucking codependent hanging around watching him work. As it is full moon I’m not surprised I’m such a lovehungry crybaby today. The ME that is fine with cutting him out of my life had no chance to be heard today. Sigh. Blame it on the moon and off to bed soon!
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I’m always trying to figure out what robs me of my serenity. And I’ve been stuck on being judgmental. Whenever I’m loosing my serenity I try to think if I’m judging someone and usually I am and it is robbing me of my serenity.
But I discovered another one that is HUGE for me. Taking things personally, really robs me of my serenity.
It’s been a rough week with all in my world. And just a little while ago I’m chatting about the new house with wifey and I want to install some shelves here in the family room. She doesn’t think shelves would look good. And she thinks we should wait until we see the house again together and check it out. Next thing you know I’m like ok. Well let’s just throw all our books away that we’ve been carting around for ten years if you don’t want any shelves in the house!!! Why? Why? Why? Did that come out of my head and mouth. Why do I take everything she says so personally. She’s not drinking this morning. We were just having a nice conversation dreaming about our new home together. That I started!!
I don’t know. But I think I’m learning a lot about myself. And how much of me is the problem. I got to fix me. So I got in Insight Timer for my walk and searched “taking things personally,” and found this. It was Gold.
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I agree with this wholeheartedly and going through it at the present time. My alcoholic husband puts the guilt on me that I’m leaving him and that I’m not there and I’m like you have to be there for yourself in order for you to be there for me and this marriage and in order to do that you have to be well mentally and physically, and until then I won’t be around except for going to treatment with you other than that I can be supportive from a distance to protect my own peace so it’s true when the addict is angry you’re doing something right when they’re happy you’re enabling Amen to that so true
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You took your other one down 
Anyway….
Our meeting tonight was about taking care of ourselves. Protecting your peace is a great way to do that.
Nice to see you back and checking in.
I get a lot of hope and spiritual fullness going to Al-Anon meetings. It really helps me a lot.
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OMG I must have did that somehow by accident I really need to get on my laptop instead of my phone I’m going to repost because I remember most of it cuz it just happened today thanks so much for noticing that sorry I must have hit something wrong
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I was just reading the posts here and noticed the same thing. But I do remember your hubby telling you he does want to get sober. And is going into treatment. Which is great news. Hopefully he can get some clarity on his father’s role in keeping him stuck also. And it is so important to keep taking care of yourself. Thanks for sharing what’s happening, it helps me keep perspective in my own situation. 
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