Vent away 
It can help to type things out and share. You are not alone 
For staying sober having a drug-free living environment is highly recommended. Give yourself some time and keep your focus on yourself to find out how to proceed. Maybe you can take a day off and stay at a sober friend or go away for a weekend vaccation to see how you feel in sober surroundings.
We are here for you.
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you’re right friend, i hadn’t thought of meeting them in a public place! i haven’t told my mom i’m sober yet, but i’m sure she would understand if i explain to her that we would need to meet in public or away from drugs in general. thank you for the advice, i feel relieved that i don’t have to never see them again or anything drastic :]
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thank you my friend, i appreciate your support ! i’m opening my mind up to the idea of eventually living somewhere else, and i think time away from home could definitely help. rn i don’t have anyone i can stay with, but i could try to be out of the apartment more so i’m at least not around it most of the day. thank you again, friend, and i hope you’re well <3
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I need to veeeeeent 
*screams into the void
*wants to bang her head through 1 m of concrete
Me is the ultimate dumb freakshow when it comes to codependency.
Reset my timer after 46 days. Why?
Well guess, the same old dance.
The ex showed up on the farm, he got the authority notice and obviously wants to take action.
We talked about details from them visiting me, that was ok.
And then it went south, fucking hungry, lonely, tired me.
His health condition is not good, he can’t work stonewall, he even has to stop working when it gets hot around 10. Hmmm, and WTF in june on your workshop??? there he could??? this logic makes no sense. never mind, I took the information and will ask him tomorrow why he didn’t say a word, this shit could have been completed by someone else long ago.
And guess what? I listened to his june stonewall workshop stories, got emotionally exhausted and asked him a) if there’s someone new (nope, no time) and b) told him I want him back 
WTF??? I’m a fucking alien when I’m tired, hungry and lonely. As this was not enough I asked him why not. No answer if he doesn’t love me, no, he said: You are too strenous. Still not enough of making a complete idiot of myself I said that a lot changed and I’m not strenous anymore 
I’m grateful I got myself back on track and out of a horrible mimimi within 10 minutes by catfeeding and kitchen chores but honestly: dear ME, this bullshit was 10 % love, 10 % wanting to control another person and 80 % codependent gold in its shimmering glory 
I’m grateful I don’t beat myself up, such hickups are part of letting go and learning to disintegrate habits, patterns and shortcomings.
positive: i stayed calm all time, i voiced the things i had to say, i didn’t force anything, i got out of emotional turmoil quickly
to work on: seeking love where I’m not welcome with mine, inner boundaries and stopping myself when I’m weak and low of energy, reflecting what needs were met by expressing myself emotionally, reflecting on what I hoped to gain from it vs. what I got and learn for the next time meeting the ex.
which will be tomorrow, thursday and friday.
please universe send serenity that I shut up and don’t make a fool of myself again 
it’s ok to be just human but please can i keep my dignity next time! 
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Hey my friend
Just read this. And reread this.
So you asked him to come back?
Or told him you want him back?
That’s what I’m reading.
You know, I cannot imagine your pain. It’s been 2 years I think you said a few posts ago. Your heart still hurts. It’s been broken terribly. I guess deep down you still want it too work. And I don’t blame you. It must be so hard. Maybe you needed that final closure. Maybe you were just HALT. Maybe you just had a codependent slip. I think that’s ok. I know you’re probably beating yourself up enough.
You know through that book “Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses.” I learned we are going through a lot of grief. Grieving takes time. It’s possible you’re still grieving your marriage. There’s no time line to get over that. I’m grieving what I thought our marriage was going to be like in our bronze years. And it’s hard. But we are still together. Like I’ve mentioned 10 hours or so of the day it’s good. And I’m grateful for that.
I would think the grieving process in your case would take longer. And it’s got to be exhausting always being so strong. And having to take care of everything ALWAYS. I’m glad to came to vent. Sorry for your circumstances that brought you here. As long as we keep learning and when we get knocked down we get up again. It’s ok to feel the shit today. Hopefully you’ll feel less shitty tomorrow.
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And Acceptance.
Do you like podcasts.
I love this guys show.
I was just thinking of the 3 A’s in Al-Anon.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
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Thank you friend
I told him I want him back. And I feel a lot better today surprisingly. Maybe this is a weird form of grief. I still grieve a lot, I did good during summer, maybe that’s a normal wave that’s due to come and go.
Today’s interaction was ok.
He takes the waste stuff to the waste disposal, I will collect and sort the stuff that is dotted around the buildings. We still make a good team - when he participates.
I’m grateful he talked to the workers about the second wall, now it’s clear how to build it.
I was persistent in finding out about the health issues he mentioned and finally he talked about it a bit. Sounds serious, checkup in progress. I told him I’d be there for him when he wants to. We’ve been there for each other since 1998 exept the last 2 years.
Life can be complicated and love can be bullshit. I’m tired of both.
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Vent away @erntedank. This has been a long relationship that has brought you stress and love both. Keep leading with honesty and you will be okay.
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So true and well said. I do hope it gets easier for you love. I’m sorry to hear that your ex isn’t doing well health wise. Grateful that you can there for each other in a time of need 
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Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to do sometimes 
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Made it through another sleepless night tossing and turning, nightmares. Up at 4am (the same hour my son ODed a few time’s) wondering if he made it through the night. 
I tell ya folks it’s a living hell that consumes my thoughts daily and nightly. It’s so hard not to want to try to find some kind of escape from it all. However, I know good and well they don’t make a drug or drink stronger than a mother’s love. I’m not going to do anything stupid I just wanted to vent somewhere. Thanks to anyone who listened.
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Omg! This was something to read. Thanks for sharing . Bookmarked for later reflection
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Sending you strength and hugs
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Thank you SO much!
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So sorry to read this love! I do hope your son is okay Much love to you and yours 
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Thank you SO much Jazzy! 
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My 21 year old son who is struggling with addiction just stopped by and asked for the title to his KLX dirtbike. I guess he’s selling it for hardly nothing for drug money. Now I’m scared he’s going to OD again because he’s not been using or using much as far as I can tell for a couple week’s. I’ve got to teach today and I’m going to try to not let this consume my entire thoughts even though I know it will. Such as sad way to start a beautiful day. I still can’t hardly understand how you go from being an AMA National champion to this life. Thank you to anyone whose listening. I just needed somewhere to put my thoughts this morning. 
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Stay with Jesus today to get through. Keep your faith strong. I’ll be praying
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