Yesterday was court day. Long story short: The financials are settled. Finally. This is how my account reacts to the transfer of this vast amount of money …
To be honest I don’t know how I feel.
Relieved.
Yes, the existential dread that in case my ex died I had to pay out his brother as he has no testament is gone. This tortured me since the divorce in december 2022.
This neverending story is over
I will never again have a reason to complain about his lack of contributing financially or otherwise to our life
Empty
All this monkey circus took such a long time. Who am I without it?
The presence of my ex in my life will end soon. By end of march the rest of his stuff must be removed. A bit left to go through together, maybe 4 days.
Happy?
I don’t know, I really don’t know. Yes, I’m happy that I don’t owe anybody anything anymore. I owe myself a better, more stable life.
I’m happy my lawyer was able to negotiate this compromise settlement. It’s 10% less than the worst case and 10% above my personal goal, I can live with that.
I’m definitely happy that this is now MY farm. I can do whatever I please. At the moment I don’t want to do anything.
Sad
I didn’t want my life like this. I wanted to grow old together, happily. I fucking don’t want to be alone instead of cuddled up to my ex. His nearly daily presence for over a month by now triggered so much missing, longing and sadness.
Making this final cut hurts. I know it’s necessary and these feelings will pass. I struggle with sadness leading to anxiety and depression.
But life goes on. Letting go of everything I can’t control is on the top of my to-do-list.
I’ve come a long way this year. Maybe it’s time to take it slowly and go in hibernation mode. Maybe I need more connection. Maybe I’m unsure and angsty about life itself. For sure I need to find more love and peace for myself inside me. With so much going on around me I feel like a well mixed smoothie.
Thanks for letting me share. Hugs to you all
This is a tumultuous time - you’re going through so much. I can only imagine how you must feel. It is the right decision and the right position to be in for you right now in your life but that doesn’t make it easy.
Still though - I respect your courage and commitment to what is right. It isn’t easy to remain committed to what is right when what is right is also difficult.
Hubbys smoking more and more pot. Im trying to let it go but it upsets me. Hes stupider. He doesnt have the money for it. I dont like it but i cant control it. Grrrr
I think the hardest part about being an addict or being in love with an addict is the loneliness. This has been a rough weekend for me mentally. Its the first weekend after my Mom’s funeral and I spent yesterday crying. My husband was at work.
Today is our day off together. I had some crazy energy and got 6 house projects done, made a 5 1/2 hour crazy 7 (or more) step cake, a noodle dish and mashed potatoes from scratch. Maybe I’m avoiding him. Maybe he’s avoiding me. He’s seen me through lots of depressive episodes. Maybe he’s cheating. He just texted me to tell me he’s going to a second bar.
He’ll come home, we’ll remake the bed with clean sheets and go to sleep. I think I became an addict to avoid actual intimacy and I think I am still doing that, both by marrying an addict and keeping myself at arms length to everyone in my life. I didn’t tell my husband I wanted him to stay home tonight, probably because I didn’t want him to. Sad is easier alone.
Hard weekend just points to where I need to put the work. Step one, feel all this stuff. My emotions are demanding to be felt. 🩷
Hugs my friend I do know about the isolation and wanting to go through sadness alone but that is just our addict trying to get a leg up. We tend to dig our holes deeper alone. I am hoping you are able to let more people in and help you through the rough times.
Sorry your husband was not able to be that emotional crutch that you obviously needed. Glad you were able to make such a delicious comforting feast for yourself.
I know its not the same but feel free to reach out anytime you need to connect. It is a great step to feel all the feels and process them but do know that you don’t have to do it by yourself. You are not alone my friend. Sending love and hugs your way.
Hey Bird. How you doing?
Saw your note this morning. Didn’t have time then but wanted to respond. Now I lost my thoughts. But I do understand the loneliness of being married to an alcoholic. Cuz you’re not actually alone physically but mentally it feels very lonely. I’m doing much better in that department these days. Gosh it took me forever to get over that. The loneliness still creeps in once and awhile. But I’m out there living my life now and it’s beginning to feel good. Wifey still stuck in her ways but I’m out there. Seems to be working.
I know you know I’m all Al-Anon. I’m not going to force any of that on ya. But
This here is a pretty good book. And what I like about it is it’s basically all stories. It might be something you’d want to look at. I don’t know.
I hope it’s been a better day for ya.
Love ya sober cat friend.
Oh how’s the acne?
Thanks @JazzyS. I’m so glad I found this place and I’m grateful for the invite to chat. Today was better. My Mom grief/anger got ahead of my relationship this weekend. The weekend was tough and I did isolate. I know better but I wanted to feel my sadness, to really hurt myself and that absolutely was my addict talking.
@Dazercat the acne is clearing. I’ve been trading out their food and water bowls more often and found a cat safe face wash in their cat cupboard which Water runs from when he sees so its pretty sparsely applied. But its improving.
As for the relationship who knows. I should put a recovery book next up on my reading list for a brush up and maybe I’ll try an Al-Anon. I also want to listen to Codependent No More again.
I think as I fight my addictions my husband gets lost in the shuffle. Relationships are tough enough but two addicts gets very messy. I can only fix myself though so I will keep trying to do that as I honor my grief and try to feel my feels.
Thanks for the space as always all. Its so affirming to write out struggles and realize others experience them too. Love you guys. 🩷
I know I’ve had slip ups. Probably on the daily. But I have been going to Al-Anon for 2 and a half years to keep my spiritual tank full. And I’m proud of that shit!
Hey @StacyAnn
I didn’t want to Hi Jack Marry’s thread.
Ya. We are making it.
But not everyone does.
My story is….we been married 41 years. I only quit drinking almost 5 years ago. We’ve had a great life together. She’s my wife. For better or worse. Both our children are recovering addicts. Her family is full of alcoholics. All dead now. You kind of think she’d know better. But it’s a disease. I wouldn’t leave her if she had cancer or MS or diabetes etc……
but that’s my story.
Everyone has a different story. But we all have one thing in common. We love an alcoholic.
She hit rock bottom again after the election. She hasn’t had a drink since……. I can’t remember. And that right there is a beautiful thing. She doesn’t work a program. And that is none of my business. I’ve invited her to AA and Al-Anon meetings. She knows I go. And the rest is up to her. I got to give her the dignity to make her own decisions and let it be. It’s taken my years to detach with love
She didn’t drink yesterday. And I hope she doesn’t drink today. But either way I’ll be ok. Because I have support.
Here’s another tip that helped me early on in Al-Anon
WAIT
Why
Am
I
Talking
My good friend in Al-Anon had a little bracelet with the letters WAIT on it.
It’s a great reminder if you ever find yourself talking, arguing, or trying to reason, with your loved one if they been drinking. Don’t do it.
I’m always around if you got any questions. I try to be an open book.
Thanks for creating this separate thread, from Mary’s, I’m still learning this platform. I definitely think I need a bracelet like that “WAIT” is a great acronym. Might have to have one made up, cuz lord knows I have an issue keeping my mouth shut.
Congratulations on 41 years, we’re 2 years in. Acquaintances for decades. Just the negativity he’s airing, is almost too much. I’m a relatively happy person, and trying not to live in the negative, or let one bad thing ruined an entire day cuz I drag it out, him on the other hand fixates on things, yet no action to change the shit that’s making him angry or upset. Idk I guess that’s a him problem, not a me problem.
My alcoholic is also very negative. He can make a bloody mountain out of the vacuum cleaner cord falling off the vacuum cleaner. 3 words… noise cancelling Airpods. I pop them in, put on a sober podcast or some music and POOF! His voice disappears. I just don’t engage. I can and do smile at him sympathetically and then wander off upstairs to read or do something else. I know he is not bothered by me not being around as much because I know when I drank, all I cared about was drinking and would not have noticed if someone was distancing themselves from me.
Lucky for me, he doesn’t like to talk while watching TV so we can sit comfortably together in the evening if he is not at work and get along. I am noticing his pattern though, he is a bit grumpy in the morning, a bit shaky etc. He gets very negative toward lunchtime but then goes off to work. When he gets home its late and he heads straight to the kitchen to drink and I watch TV in the living room. When he doesnt have work, we usually have a lovely couple of hours after his first drink and I enjoy that and then move on with my own plans for the evening while he watches TV.
Once I figured out his pattern it has made it so much easier to get along and not be brought down by his negativity or drinking. I go out on my own now and really enjoy it. I am no longer concerned about what people think about him not showing up. I get it though, while I was drinking, I prefered to stay at home alone where I could get hammered and pass out.
I love him and would never leave him but I have my own life within our shared life and I am grateful for the time slots we get to be comfortable and happy together. On the flip side, he does also make me laugh every day. He is never mean or horrible to me and he works so hard, at work and at home. There is plenty to love about him.
Time to revive this wonderful thread. Not only because there have been lots of posts/threads recently about relationship issues. I revive it for me. For an update.
Yesterday it was 1000 days of separation from my ex. I had a counter for it. Why? To keep tracking. To remind myself. Of what? Very different things along this way. At first there was anger, frustration, hurt. And hope. That he will realize his drinking and related behaviour destroyed our relationship. That he will be willing to work on both, drinking and relationship. Never happened. We’ve been divorced for 790 days today. Another counter.
It took me ages to settle the finances because of his shitty ignorance. 132 days since. Another counter.
Where do I stand today? After 1000 days sober from a toxic relationship.
Summary: In my best life enjoying every day and grateful to the moon and back for everything
For the looong list of detailed reflection & outcome click here
I’m ME again, settled, balanced, both feet stable on the ground. Emotionally, healthwise, mental health wise, financially.
The frustration, feeling of neglect, anger, hopelessness, feeling powerless, doubting myself, fighting in vain to make it work, uncertainity, walking on eggshells … All gone.
The glimpse of hope, the deep love, the longing for the good in our relationship … Gone.
My unconcious healed, the permanent tension, nerviness, the short temper faded, left my body literally. I suddenly had beautiful finger nails so long I had to cut them. After 1,5 years I was back to my natural mental state. Healing takes time.
I worked so fucking hard on myself, I can hardly believe it. Identified issues & patterns, digged deep, read tons of literature on dozens of subjects, went to therapy, group therapy and couseling (still do and will continue to), talked, journaled, shared. It was a bumpy road with some uncomfortable plateaus and some heavy setbacks. But I never gave up. Pause, rest, take a timeout, back to basics: yes. Give up: Never. Healing and growing is not linear, sometimes it’s a tousled ball of wool with knots and loose, lost ends.
Living the good life I have now was fucking hard work. Learning to be kind to myself, to love myself again, that I’m enough, that I CAN do everything on my own, that I must be patient with myself and let go of things out of my control. The latter is still daily work in progress, on a level I could not imagine 1000 days ago
I saw couples here staying together besides major issues, working together on bettering their relationship, separating, being together again, arranging the problems with themselfs … It broke my heart when it finally settled that it takes two to make it work, putting in work & communication, love & respect, will & dedication. And here it was only me. I felt so lost, abandoned and furious. I learned to sit with it. I often bit my codependency in their fucking ass to show how much I wanted to be free of it. With time the codependent episodes became less, I learned to cope with my feelings in healthy ways: meditation, journaling, punching a pillow until complete exhaustion, calling a friend, coming here, taking a walk, cleaning, cooking, reading my emotional support poster over and over again, locking away my phone (out of sight! works for me) … the list goes on. Unlearning patterns and unhealthy coping mechanisms takes time (like begging for love at your ex - don’t go to the hardware store for milk). It’s progress when the episodes get shorter, less intense and the times inbetween get longer. I’m sober from codependent hickups since 22nd January and this episode was the final. I submitted some stuff to my ex, wrote him that I won’t contact him anymore and that I either want to be loved or let alone. The last part was the codependent hickup. I will delete this timer when I reach 1 year sober of codependent behaviour.
I found peace of heart, soul & mind. I lost 10 kg, my hair grew long, I look really good. Because I take good care of myself. I do this because it makes me happy and I enjoy it (mostly, not the waxing part). I like this nice, friendly, kind person who was lost for so long. I laugh a lot again, I meet people again, I love my reclusive daily life, my cats, MY farm, my smart brain, my big heart. I take good care of my still wounded, healing soul. My mood is mostly balanced, occasions when I have to unleash the bitchy biting beast are rare. I’m grateful my potentially furious bulldog ME is still there, peacefully lounging on the beach, recovering from years of overstraining. We are both happy.
I don’t give a shit how my ex is doing and I’m glad his destructive energy left my life. THIS is the sign I’ve been waiting for for a long long time, knowing it would happen, some day. I AM FREE.
Here is a best of what helped me through this 1000 days
