That’s a lot and a really sad story. Sending you hugs
To me it sounds a bit like you were investing more into the relationship and you were more serious about it. Love alone is not enough and one alone can’t shoulder a relationship with two involved. Seems like he choose to not invest and work on the relationship.
I’m so sorry about you hurting, I know this kind of heartbreak too well. What helped me was focussing on myself, being kind to myself, giving myself all the love and encouragement I was longing for. Letting go comes in waves, don’t stress yourself or try to force it. It’s enough when you sit with your feelings and be kind to yourself. You are not alone. Come here, let it out, vent away, swear if it helps you.
Again a big bear hug for you
I’m sorry you are dealing with this situation, and I’m glad you came here to let it out. It does occur to me that you got out of an abusive relationship and then got involved in another painful situation. Letting go of someone you love is never easy, even when they clearly haven’t been there for you. But maybe now consider the possibility that this is YOUR time. Time to be free of toxic relationships. Time to explore all the options life has on offer, on your terms, keeping your own best interests at heart. You deserve this opportunity. Grab it and don’t look back!
I thought this was a great reading from ODAAT In Al-Anon.
And I think I’m getting there and it’s paying off. For my emotional state.
July 14
Wise words from an AA who counsels with families of alcoholics:
“Yes, the alcoholic can be forced to get sober.”
The spouse: “But I’ve tried everything. He won’t listen to reason. I’ve yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened to leave—nothing works.”
“Of course not. This is you applying the force, and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the alcoholic’s pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can’t count on you helping him, when you won’t assuage his guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble—then he’ll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do about him.”
Today’s Reminder It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
”God helps those who don’t try to take over His work.”
I need an outlet and put my vent here. I need to get some things off my chest.
The ex is on vaccacion on the scheduled court date. WTF. Vaccacion is fine but everything concerning the farm and his stuff here he ignores.
Today the senior mechanic of the local garage showed up and asked if I know something about the ex. One of his trailers has been there for 2 years (!) now. The ex disappeared after talking about repairing it and the oldtimers. WTF. I gave the mechanic his number. I’m really pissed because I told the ex in spring he should fetch the trailer, the garage can’t repair it. It is really embarrassing to tell people I have no clue and no information, even more when they were used to everything being organized and reliable. By me. This was me. He is the king of ignoring what doesn’t suit him or what he doesn’t want to deal with.
My lawyer mailed me that his expert said the actual expertise is correct. WTF??? Well, then the farm will be sold for this price. I’m not willing to throw this much money on the ex for being an asshole and doing nothing. And putting more money in finishing the project. I doubt that it can be sold for this price, but we will see.
I’m pissed, feel annoyed and helpless, betrayed and ripped off. How could I be so dumb and buy it as mutual property? Love makes you do stupid things, trust and faith dito. Fuck love. I’m done with this bullshit. Only causes fuckup. Next time my mimimi miss him comes up the head comes off, fuck this senseless crap. I have enough from relationship, drunk, asshole shenanigans and being ignored. I’m fucking angry on myself.
Rant end.
I am grateful that you vented here. You have every right to be upset with this behavior. Grateful that he’s an ex now and hopefully soon you will be free of his bs completely
Love does tend to make us make stupid decisions. Don’t give up on love my friend. You deserve happiness and love in your life. Not all men are like your ex.
This is a perfect place to rant, this is why we all are here to support each others. I’m glad you got rid of your ex. All the best to you, stay strong!
Lovely from you all, I appreciate the hugs and encouragement
I had a lot of time to think today when I waited for the vet calling to pick up my Missi cat from tooth extraction.
Well, I caused this mess. It was me who contracted for mutual property. I could have not as I payed for everything alone. I wanted it. So I guess I have to bite the lemon: When I want to get rid of the ex and keep the farm I will have to pay. Otherwise I take my part of the sale and give up the farm. Either way: the day when the ex is off this property with his stuff will come. Annoyances WILL find an end. I’m so used to this conflict and forced binding I tend to forget that my anger and helplessness stand for the last twiches of letting loose and letting go. Eventually this will pass and I will be free of emotions and forced bonds. I will be sad, I wish for any kind of good end. I know it won’t happen. It’s ok, sometimes I tell myself fairytales of what could be in a world where the ex works on himself and takes responsibility, learns to communicate and is willing to put in lots of work & therapy. Surprisingly I always fall asleep after a few minutes I think I found my own bedtime good night storyline
I’m grateful I can vent here, this really helps me to sort my thoughts and get my emotions on track again.
Missi cat is ok and not happy that dry food is forbidden for 5 days. I will spoil her with wet food, ham and meat paste. catlove is forever
aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh
*screaming into the void
*having murderous thoughts
*feeling like the most fucked dumbass on earth
aaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh
I just had a visit from the regional authorities. Well, the fucking cars and other crap the ex left here and never did anything about HAS TO BE REMOVED. As I’m living here now they told ME everything that has to be done. Yeah, I agree with everything! I would love all this shit to be gone! And I can do nothing about it.
They will send an order with deadline 15th october. Finally something I can throw on my ex’s head, resp. my lawyer can throw on his.
I am so fucking embarassed I told him dozens times to care about his crap. And to finish the stonewall.
Now I’m forced to tidy up for him. Again. I was really the dumbest dumbass on earth to sign for mutual property. I’m pissed. Really pissed.
Well, I will handle this too and I will survive it and I will NOT dwell in anger, unfairness or mimimi. I’m grateful I can rant here, I really feel better now. That’s life. It’s ennervating. I will eat gnocci with gorgonzola, have a pot of tea, nap and be grateful that it’s not ME who has to force him to do something.
And I’m content that I told him to fuck off with his “you have to send me the order immediately after it came”. Man, you will receive everything in time, try to be bossy and I tell you to fuck off. This easy.
Missi bumps her head into the phone and purrs away on me This is the real life that matters. Yeah, my anger is gone, I have a plan and everything will turn out as the universe wants to have it
Thank you for this outlet, it is amazing that typing out what I feel and a purring cat on my belly make the world peaceful and lovely again
You weren’t, and aren’t, a dumbass. (You might be if, say, you were thinking you might be able to change him and should try the relationship again on that basis! But you aren’t thinking that at all…)
You tried to make it work. It didn’t. Out of love for yourself and the preciousness of your life, you - as they say - saved the only life could. Yours.
And you know, when you post about life at the farm, or in town, chats with the neighbours, your friends, cat cuddles, your time in the kitchen or garden or with books and music, there is a LOT of love in your life.
You said it best.
It will get better. Might be a bumpy road here and there for a while, but it will get better.
Your words made me cry a bit
You are right, there will still be some bumps ahead on the road. And I know most of it lies behind me
These are only burps and twiches of loosening this forced conflict binding. Or ignorance binding. However.
My life is really good in general and I’m deeply grateful this kind of hickups occurs less and less. I do the best I can and I work hard, I care and I always was open to talk. No I don’t wanna change him. I’ve reached the point where I want peace for myself. I think that’s a main reason why I still get upset and pissed, but only for short and far less intense. I’ve got quite temper and my italian side wants to swing the rolling pin sometimes. That’s ok
To be clear - I’m not saying don’t vent! Vent awayyyy!
Lord knows if this thread was around (and had I been sober) when I was going through my divorce and the immediate afterwards, I’d have been screaming AAARRRRGGGHHH into the void and calling everyone a dumbass. (Wait, I did that. And tried to make it all go away with wine. Heavy sigh…)
My ex and I shared a large home office that I worked from almost 100%, him rarely. His side was like an IT graveyard. I asked, begged, pleaded him to make the space more work-friendly for me, and then I just rearranged where I sat so I didn’t see his side. After we parted and I moved to a nearby town, when I was at the house (he stayed in it) to get something for the dog or whatever, imagine my surprise when I saw the office area void of dusty, obsolete computer manuals, the tangle of USB and printer cables, the open bin of assorted broken keyboards and mice, the useless desktop towers… Gone. Looked like a show home.
Yeah, I said some stuff to the void…
We are both in pretty good places, you and I. Sure, I sometimes think I would like to have a partner. But, no one in particular comes to mind! My counsellor told me the perfect balance is to be open but not looking (in a “life is incomplete without” kind of way). And to be mindful of how good it feels to be unencumbered (dog girl and cats excluded!). I think he’s right.
Scream away, dear friend. That’s what we’re here for.
Screaming into the void - and sometimes me on my farm! - is so freeing
I’m really happy that I vent away and the feelings are GONE. I like this freedom of heavy, persisting emotions. It was a loooong way and I’m not done yet but … reading & looking back: Fuck have I come far! It may sound weird, these days I enjoy getting upset and pissed because it’s for very short, showing me that the day is near when I don’t give a shit. Like emptying a muddy, dirty pool. Not much left. Will go. Sonner than later. To be honest, I’m really delighted that he gets his ignorant comfort zone crashed by authorities and I’m watching from the first row. This was the satisfaction I needed to move on happily with my life. One hurtful shot for him. I don’t even care much how this show will evolve. I told him that his crap has to go and had nothing to do with it. For me we are even now. I’m not a vengeful person, I just wanted him to hurt once on something he really cares (obviously not me or the farm). Karma delivered without any input from me. Strike. Out
I know it’s my addiction (and co-dependence issues) tryin’ to lure me back to the Darkness, so it can try and kill me. It’s such a pooptacular situation.
I think I found my own bedtime good night storyline 
I told him dozens times to care about his crap. And to finish the stonewall.
. Stay connected and strong friend…it does get easier