Jazzy thank you again so much. I was mentally and physically drained from it all. 
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Thank you so much
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I can’t even imagine how difficult it is. My only wish is that he chooses the path you showed as soon as possible 
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Thank you Sunny I do yoo
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It’s hard to celebrate Al-Anon milestones since I relapse daily. But I don’t beat myself up anymore about that. I recognize it and move on. And on. And on.
I’m impressed with my 2 years and 4 months of Al-Anon recovery and I can see the difference in me.
And I’m Joyously Content 
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Coming here to get a few things off my chest.
The court date is approaching, 7th October. The deadline to remove the cars & stuff is approaching, 15th October.
My ex comes over to take away his clinkers and stones several times a week over the last 4 weeks. He brought a lot of stuff to the disposal site. Today I slept in, went to the kitchen to make tea and wondered what was different. He removed the oldtimer that parked in front of the kitchen window. The small trailer is gone. Of course without any notice or saying hello.
I should be happy that finally he moves out his stuff I’ve been looking at daily. I’m not. I feel empty, tired, abandoned, unloved. I question myself if I suffer from a mild form of Stockholm Syndrom. It hurt me daily to see his stuff, it reminded me of our past, good and bad, it gave the fake impression that he is still here somehow.
In december we will be divorced for 2 years and I really worked on letting go and moving forward. What the heck is wrong with me that I now feel like he is leaving me? Brainwash through the presence of his stuff and ignoring me and my needs? Fuck, he does all this because the authorities ordered to remove it, otherwise the wouldn’t move a finger. And I was really looking forward to it. Now it feels like I’m not ready for this change.
I know this weird cocktail of feelings will pass too. I’m so tired of waiting, changes, all the mess in my life caused by the separation, that I have to adapt again and again and again.
I’m annoyed that I feel overly grateful for my ex removing the stuff for the waste disposal. Like me doing nothing and him doing everything 
He really managed to engrave “you are fat and lazy” in my psych. I hate hate hate these old patterns to come up over and over again. Fuck going to the hardware store for milk.
Well, maybe I’m just stressed, exhausted from a busy week and probably get a cold, I need a lot of blankets today to keep me warm. Tea, sleep and meeting friends at an excellent restaurant will hopefully help to feel better.
Thanks that I can come here and vent.
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Yesterday was court day. Long story short: The financials are settled. Finally. This is how my account reacts to the transfer of this vast amount of money …
To be honest I don’t know how I feel.
Relieved.
- Yes, the existential dread that in case my ex died I had to pay out his brother as he has no testament is gone. This tortured me since the divorce in december 2022.
- This neverending story is over
- I will never again have a reason to complain about his lack of contributing financially or otherwise to our life
Empty
- All this monkey circus took such a long time. Who am I without it?
- The presence of my ex in my life will end soon. By end of march the rest of his stuff must be removed. A bit left to go through together, maybe 4 days.
Happy?
- I don’t know, I really don’t know. Yes, I’m happy that I don’t owe anybody anything anymore. I owe myself a better, more stable life.
- I’m happy my lawyer was able to negotiate this compromise settlement. It’s 10% less than the worst case and 10% above my personal goal, I can live with that.
- I’m definitely happy that this is now MY farm. I can do whatever I please. At the moment I don’t want to do anything.
Sad
- I didn’t want my life like this. I wanted to grow old together, happily. I fucking don’t want to be alone instead of cuddled up to my ex. His nearly daily presence for over a month by now triggered so much missing, longing and sadness.
- Making this final cut hurts. I know it’s necessary and these feelings will pass. I struggle with sadness leading to anxiety and depression.
But life goes on. Letting go of everything I can’t control is on the top of my to-do-list.
I’ve come a long way this year. Maybe it’s time to take it slowly and go in hibernation mode. Maybe I need more connection. Maybe I’m unsure and angsty about life itself. For sure I need to find more love and peace for myself inside me. With so much going on around me I feel like a well mixed smoothie.
Thanks for letting me share. Hugs to you all 
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This is a tumultuous time - you’re going through so much. I can only imagine how you must feel. It is the right decision and the right position to be in for you right now in your life but that doesn’t make it easy.
Still though - I respect your courage and commitment to what is right. It isn’t easy to remain committed to what is right when what is right is also difficult.
Take care and be gentle with yourself. 
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Hubbys smoking more and more pot. Im trying to let it go but it upsets me. Hes stupider. He doesnt have the money for it. I dont like it but i cant control it. Grrrr
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Sorry to read this CJ
I know it can be very upsetting.
Lots of double winners at my meetings. Just saying. I had no idea. That really sucks.
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I basically have 2 addictions.
I’m addicted to MORE
And the other one is
I’m addicted to Finding FAULT
But I can recover.
I am recovering 
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I think the hardest part about being an addict or being in love with an addict is the loneliness. This has been a rough weekend for me mentally. Its the first weekend after my Mom’s funeral and I spent yesterday crying. My husband was at work.
Today is our day off together. I had some crazy energy and got 6 house projects done, made a 5 1/2 hour crazy 7 (or more) step cake, a noodle dish and mashed potatoes from scratch. Maybe I’m avoiding him. Maybe he’s avoiding me. He’s seen me through lots of depressive episodes. Maybe he’s cheating. He just texted me to tell me he’s going to a second bar.
He’ll come home, we’ll remake the bed with clean sheets and go to sleep. I think I became an addict to avoid actual intimacy and I think I am still doing that, both by marrying an addict and keeping myself at arms length to everyone in my life. I didn’t tell my husband I wanted him to stay home tonight, probably because I didn’t want him to. Sad is easier alone.
Hard weekend just points to where I need to put the work. Step one, feel all this stuff. My emotions are demanding to be felt. 🩷
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Hugs for you, for the hurts, the feels, the emotions, the step …
Glad you’re writing about this and sharing it. You’re cared for.
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Hugs my friend I do know about the isolation and wanting to go through sadness alone but that is just our addict trying to get a leg up. We tend to dig our holes deeper alone. I am hoping you are able to let more people in and help you through the rough times.
Sorry your husband was not able to be that emotional crutch that you obviously needed. Glad you were able to make such a delicious comforting feast for yourself.
I know its not the same but feel free to reach out anytime you need to connect. It is a great step to feel all the feels and process them but do know that you don’t have to do it by yourself. You are not alone my friend. Sending love and hugs your way.
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Hey Bird. How you doing?
Saw your note this morning. Didn’t have time then but wanted to respond. Now I lost my thoughts. But I do understand the loneliness of being married to an alcoholic. Cuz you’re not actually alone physically but mentally it feels very lonely. I’m doing much better in that department these days. Gosh it took me forever to get over that. The loneliness still creeps in once and awhile. But I’m out there living my life now and it’s beginning to feel good. Wifey still stuck in her ways but I’m out there. Seems to be working.
I know you know I’m all Al-Anon. I’m not going to force any of that on ya. But 
This here is a pretty good book. And what I like about it is it’s basically all stories. It might be something you’d want to look at. I don’t know.
I hope it’s been a better day for ya.
Love ya sober cat friend.
Oh how’s the acne?
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Thanks @JazzyS. I’m so glad I found this place and I’m grateful for the invite to chat. Today was better. My Mom grief/anger got ahead of my relationship this weekend. The weekend was tough and I did isolate. I know better but I wanted to feel my sadness, to really hurt myself and that absolutely was my addict talking.
@Dazercat the acne is clearing. I’ve been trading out their food and water bowls more often and found a cat safe face wash in their cat cupboard which Water runs from when he sees so its pretty sparsely applied. But its improving.
As for the relationship who knows. I should put a recovery book next up on my reading list for a brush up and maybe I’ll try an Al-Anon. I also want to listen to Codependent No More again.
I think as I fight my addictions my husband gets lost in the shuffle. Relationships are tough enough but two addicts gets very messy. I can only fix myself though so I will keep trying to do that as I honor my grief and try to feel my feels.
Thanks for the space as always all. Its so affirming to write out struggles and realize others experience them too. Love you guys. 🩷
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Thank you @Alisa. I saw this when I was sunk down in the mire so I didn’t respond but thank you for this. I feel cared for.
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I know I’ve had slip ups. Probably on the daily. But I have been going to Al-Anon for 2 and a half years to keep my spiritual tank full. And I’m proud of that shit!
Changed attitudes aid recovery
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As you should be!!! Great work on your recovery my friend 
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