That’s just so shitty of your parents. I admire your strength and forgiveness of their very selfish behaviors. You are a wonderful example to your children. And I really hope you had a good birthday despite.
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Hi good morning.
Thought I’d share my opinion on this because I grew up with parents in active addiction my entire life- they are now in their 50’s and still active. My mom alot more than my dad which is ironic because it was the opposite growing up. My dad was always more drunk than my mom which isn’t saying a lot considering my mom was always very plastered when I was a kid. They were both heavy heavy drinkers on a regular basis and it seriously messed with my sister and I growing up.
When I was in my early 20’s was about the time I noticed that I was also now an active addict. And I was now the one effecting the people that loved me because of my addiction. It was hard, definitely. Because I knew the hurt that they were feeling. All the wanted for me was to get better and to have better and to be better but I didn’t want that for myself. I wanted to drink. And it took me a lot of days to realize that I was faced with the same choice every day and no matter how many days it took away from me if I didn’t choose, every day it was the same choice and I’d never move forward. I could choose happiness or I could choose hurt. And finally I choose happiness. It took me years to realize it was the only choice I had. I hurt a lot of people along the way and I’m still working at being the best version of myself to make it up to them, to make it up to myself and to give my inner child version of me a hug.
I’m so sorry for the hurt you and your family have faced. And Ill pray for your wife that she chooses happiness for herself.
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I should also mention that- through absolutely all of the chaos and craziness- I love my parents with my entire heart. As dysfunctional as my family is, my parents are my go to people. They couldn’t do anything to change the way I love them and I’m sure your kids feel the same.
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So sweet and I appreciate you sharing your experience. I can imagine it’s really hard watching your parents continue in alcoholism.
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Congratulations!
First of all, I saw the cake pic you posted, and it looked TO DIE FOR!!! Yummy overload! One must be out of their mind to pass it.
Secondly, looking from outside, your parents acted really poorly. I don’t know the family history, dynamics, etc etc, but what they did was just rude. Period.
I hope your kids enjoyed. I would have joined your party in a heartbeat.
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Not sure if I’m looking forward to reading this book or not. It could be some difficult reading for me. I heard it is very good.
Thinking of you today @erntedank on my walk listening to this podcast on the recovery show.
That’s where they talked about this book.
We’ve both had a lot of grief and loss the past year. I think yours have been more severe or at least much different than mine. But I think there is some grief and loss I too need to face in my marriage.
I really don’t need another book or podcast or meeting or reading to do. 
My freaken plate is full. But this kind of hit home for me. I’ve been learning so much about what I’m going through. And it’s not all that nice either.
Anyway. I thought I’d PM you but maybe someone else could benefit from reading this too. I heard we should read it slowly.
ODAAT.
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I understand this and support you here.
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This shit is really hitting home for me. I’m managing pretty well. But I been sad. But reading this makes sense. Presently, knowing this, is kind of a relief. I’ve felt an enormous amount of surrender and actually serenity learning this. Especially the very important part about staying in OFDAAT
Like I said on the gratitude thread. Guess what the fucking “F” stands for 
“Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses”
By Al-Anon
The recurring nature of grief
”I am invited to grieve with every change in life. Often I ignore the invitation, deciding the particular change is ‘no big deal,’ or telling myself, ‘I can handle this.’Sometimes the culmination of all the ‘little’ changes I haven’t addressed hits me all at once. I find myself overreacting to a person or situation, becoming depressed or just irritable.”
It is often these “little” changes that catch us by surprise. They seem to come out of nowhere. The day-in and day-out disappointments and broken promises of living with an alcoholic can become commonplace, until one day we wake up feeling the effect of all those “small” losses. Why, we wonder, do we suddenly feel sad about our situation, especially when we may have spent months or even years living this way?
Many of us have lived with the notion that grief is something we feel when we have lost something tangible—when someone has died or gone away. In Al-Anon we learn that although the alcoholic may still be living, he or she is unable to be fully present—emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Recognizing that we are not living the lives we had planned or hoped for with the person we love is a loss that occurs gradually. Each day we lose a little bit more until what remains is merely a shadow of the person or life we thought we knew. Living with ongoing grief of this kind can be particularly trying.
“One Day at a Time” can help us through these difficult days. We get ahead of ourselves when we worry about how we will get through tomorrow or next week. We can’t know what tomorrow will bring. What a relief it is to know we only have to deal with today. Though getting through today might feel like getting through all of eternity, we can remind ourselves that we won’t feel this way forever. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan for us, even if we can’t see where we are headed.
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My husband and I had a similar conversation to this last night.
Sending your way.
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Sending right back at you.
Since I have just discovered this. I don’t think I’m ready for a conversation yet. I need to continue to mull this over and keep going to meetings. I never would have even thought to have had a conversation about this. Timing must be key.
Thanks for your support.
Edit. And it’s scary too. I don’t wanna talk about it. Not today anyway.
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You don’t actually ever have to have that conversation. I wasn’t implying you should or needed to.
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I know you weren’t. But I never thought about it. And like I said, since it’s a new discovery I just need to let it “marinate.” 
I never have to do anything now.
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What is it, that I always find here what I need? It’s kind of a miracle. Thanks @Dazercat I bookmarked the book and podcast, let’s see if it’s available in german. Easier to read for me.
This is exact what I experienced: A shadowy life, a hollow relationship and nothing I could see left of the good life we wanted to live together.
The thought of my ex leaving my life for good overwhelmed me today all of a sudden and let to a massive breakdown. That’s the result when I see him two days in a row 
When I talked with our fasting accompany sister at the convent last week she said quite the same: I have to take my time to grieve and mourn all the losses, the big and small ones. Yes, my expected good life was over when my husband decided to drink massively and hide it from me. I’ll never know when he lost his love for me but I’m pretty sure these two ongoings were mutual timewise. And I fighted a fight I could never win. Acknowledging this and finding some peace step by step through letting go is what comes closest to surrender for me.
Now it’s bedtime. Thanks Sassy and Dcat 
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Our losses are a bit different. But still a loss and there is much grief and sadness. And we need to feel it……
More to follow.
Edit…… @erntedank
I’m finding so much help in this book. Especially since my loss isn’t so tangible.
“Gradually, I took Al-Anon’s suggestions to get in touch with my feelings, and for a while I felt worse than ever. As I started to see what I was gaining instead of just what I was losing, I didn’t feel quite so bad. But it was a slow process made slower by my reluctance to follow the suggestions of fellow members.”*
……is a slow process.
Off to get some granddaughter therapy.
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I can order the book in german I will order some additional literature too from al anon, I have bookmarked some suggestions over time 
Yes, our losses are different of course. I often feel that I never processed the little losses in our relationship and I want to work on letting them go too. The disappointment when I cooked what he said he would like and I cooked it with love. To throw it away 3 days later because he rather drank and ate out of house. The times when he did not remember what we talked, mostly fighting. I was devasted, he was … I don’t know. The many many times he disappeared for days, ignoring me, not answering my calls, not calling me only to tell me afterwards that I don’t care. How worthless I felt when he came home, sweaty and dirty from work, lounging on the couch (that I just cleaned) without taking a shower and changing cloths, watching TV and being mad at me when I went bananas and told him to fuck off the clean couch and fuck off with his shitty, disgusting, hurting behaviour. How unloved and rejected I felt missing intimacy for the last years. How worthless I felt because he refused to talk about anything concerning relationship and emotions, no matter what I said, asked and even begged or shouted. This list goes on and on …
There’s a huge pile of little things I still grieve in daily life. I don’t know what hurts more: The nice, lovely habits I miss or the slow realization what I definitely not miss and the slowly growing awareness HOW MUCH it is I don’t miss because it does not hurt me anymore, does not effect me financially anymore, it makes my life manageable again, I have time and energy to care for me again, I don’t expect or hope anymore for love and caring from someone who will not provide it for what reason ever. I’m glad I don’t make plans anymore, ODAAT & OFDAAT is enough for me now
I admire you for your strength and your love for wifey. She is a lucky person and you are so caring for yourself and her. I hope it’s ok to give you both some virtual hugs
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I’m struggling and finding good stuff in that book I mentioned above. But I will not drink about it.
The effects of alcoholism permeate our relationships and can complicate our grief.
I am reclaiming what once had been lost—myself.”
We no longer give to others out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give.
Not everyone will be happy about the new changes in us—including ourselves at times. We may reminisce about how things used to be and may even try to convince ourselves that things weren’t so bad before recovery.
Positive changes don’t always feel right at first. On those days when going back may seem easier, we can trust that our Higher Power has guided us to this point in our lives. We are precisely where we need to be.
If we feel shame over the chaos in our lives, we may find it difficult to share what we’re going through with others, particularly those closest to us.
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I have a friend whose family is struggling under a member’s meth addiction. Can anyone share an online meeting code?
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AlAnon.org might have a list of things. That where I find my in person meetings. I know there are some on line too.
And there’s intherooms.com
@Lisa07 do you know if they have Al-Anon. That website looks too confusing for me presently.
Is that what you’re looking for, for your friend, Bird?
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Meetings for the family or addict? For the family, I recommend Naranon. There is a meeting Tuesday nights at 9pm EST. For the addict, I recommend NA meetings which are also located on this same website on various days and times.
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Virtual - English — Nar-Anon Family Groups
Virtual meetings — Nar-Anon Family Groups
Here is the link for Nar-Anon too. It seems more popular in Canada for the families of people in active drug addiction to go to than Ala-non. I havent been to either I am sure they are both amazing.
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