I use to use my favorite wine glass when I started my sober journey too. But with fresh sparkling water and a squeeze of lemon. Even in restaurants I would ask them to serve my sparkling in a wine glass. I still like it that way. But it’s not necessary.
She does try the dealcholized wine. I think that type taste better. We have plenty of it in the house. She tries everything. Poor thing. It’s exhausting watching her try to hang in there with the next cockamamie thing. But I support her. Lying my ass off. .
It’s funny the other day I didn’t know if she was drinking the dealcholized wine after her lunch wine and that was driving me more crazy. She seemed fine but she had 3 more glasses after lunch. I wasn’t going to ask her. And I guess me counting her glasses probably isn’t Al-Anon approved And I don’t count her glasses. But I know the routine. It’s just me and her 24/7. But I thought it was funny I didn’t know what she was drinking and I did the right thing. I kept my mouth shut.
She has found some good ones. I waited until I had about 2 1/2 years + sober before I tried it. It’s ok. Wouldn’t want more than a glass of it.
Thanks for your input. She got some food poisoning the other night. She’s been sick as a dog poor thing. So she’s getting an easy day 1 I hope she feels better tomorrow.
aw man i’m sorry - i can’t imagine being in your shoes. you do have so much compassion and patience. she is really trying and hopefully one of these times it sticks. this is such an ugly disease and although we’ve all gone through it - it really does grab hold of each of us differently and for different reasons.
I’m sorry that she’s recovering from food poisoning - UGH! that’s never fun.
just another thought and sorry if it’s already been tried - haven’t had a moment to read through this thread yet – Has she tried therapy? maybe she’s holding onto something that may be causing her to keep going back to her comfort zone found through wine?
It struck me recently that literally all my happy childhood memories with him involved going somewhere he could get a drink. I love tenpin bowling because he used to take me as a kid a lot. It was the only place which had a liquor licence at 10am back then.
I’ve taken my kids bowling a lot too, they seem to like it, but I’ve never bought a drink in a bowling alley… I figure if I can do that, then I can do the same everywhere, right?
She don’t like therapy. She likes her glass of wine.
Her mother was an alcoholic.
Her 2 brothers alcoholic. One with mental illness. Sister drug addict and alcoholic. All died early in life. We drank together our first 38 years. A lot. And drugs. Both my children recovered addicts one with bi polar. Ya you’d think she might have an issue or 2. With all that in our/her family you’d think just maybe she’d know better. It cannot be controlled. But she’s still trying. Horrible horrible horrible disease. And after 40 years of marriage I still love her. Hate the addict. With a passion. I think I got most of my recovery tools from my grown up children.
Anyway. I’m rambling.
Damn it - ran out of likes.
That’s so awful my friend - I do believe that our way of thinking will change when it’s meant to change. I know many times I’ve heard a message over and over and only when I was ready did that message actually sink in and I was able to take steps towards change.
I do hope that this mental motivation / clarity comes soon for your wife. Take the 7 dry days and hopefully she will do them more frequently.
In the mean time - we are here for you my friend. You are never rambling - just letting us in on your journey. So grateful to be in this together.
I’m grateful I went to a new Al-Anon meeting yesterday. Now I got 4 a week to choose from.
Look at me go
It’s always so comforting to walk in to a new Al-Anon meeting and be so welcomed and accepted right away.
I’ve never been to a birthday meeting in Al-Anon. The chair ask if there were any birthdays today. I didn’t say a word. I was a stranger. After the chair went on and there was a pause I spoke up and shyly said, “ya.” “I got a birthday this month.” “One year ago this coming Sunday my life became so unmanageable that I started attending Al-Anon meetings. Does that count?” They said yes! Of course it does. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year guys💥
They let me pick the topic and let me share my years worth of Al-Anon. I was not prepared for this. Totally unexpected. I just wanted to check out a new meeting and see if I liked it. Didn’t even think about my birthday until it came up; every 3rd Thursday is a birthday meeting. I didn’t know what to say.
They let me pick a reading and topic.
I went right to surrender.
I talked about how I get to surrender every day. It’s not a one time deal for me. It’s something I get to do over and over again. I gave them a little history of my Al-Anon experience through my children and now 12 years later my lovely wife.
I can’t put my finger on it. I been sober over 3 years. Can’t believe I’m saying that . My wife still drinks. I’ve been going to Al-Anon for a year. My wife still drinks. I guess it doesn’t matter what she does. Or anyone else for that matter. If I keep coming back some how magically it works. I find and get serenity and I can live with myself. Sober. I know I’m getting better. Slowly. I know I relapse all the time and freak out every couple of months when my life becomes unmanageable, but I know I got Al-Anon and somehow it keeps me sane.
So, I’m grateful for Al-Anon and walking into a new meeting and having fun yesterday. Even if I was put on the spot. I earned it!
This addiction is a God Awful family disease. The Devils perfect work. I can’t think of anyone who started out wanting to be Addicted to their DOC. But it happens.
So I keep going back because it works if I work it and I’m worth it. And it keeps me sober too. How fucking cool is that!
I can’t believe it, one year! Time flies … Your sharings helped me so much, especially in the last year. My 1 year breakup is coming up on monday. I can’t believe this neither.
I’m so happy you are doing fine in your al-anon groups and I admire the love and compassion you have for your wife and your life together And of course all your pets!
Sending you a big hug my friend
That’s right. Our lives became pretty unmanageable at about the same time. Your courage and strength has also help me a lot this past year. I find it so interesting how we both went in 2 different directions with our unmanageable lives. I could never be as courageous and brave as you have been. I’m so glad you are here and we have so much in common and we both are taking our different ways to find serenity through the process of taking care of ourselves. It’s hard for me to explain. I see many people at my meetings and some are doing what I am doing and some are doing what you are doing. There’s no right or wrong way. I reckon whatever path we choose we are fighting for our best possible selves. And we are getting it. Slowly. OFDAAT
Thank you so much for being a big part of my journey. And your 3 fluffy guys too. We should give them a lot of credit for our serenity. I guess we do do that with gratitude.
That so cool the group celebrated you and your awesome 1 year. Sometimes getting caught off guard turns out really well and this seems to be one of those times. Really proud of you for walking thru those doors a year ago. Congratulations!!
Awww im sorry sweet heart. Thats tough. I got sober before my hubby and was growing exponentially. There was a big rift between us and both of us felt it. I was scared because i thought all we had in common was partying. He chose to join me and move forward together. Maybe your partner will not want to be left behind as well. Holding out hope for you two.
I think over the past week or two I have really let him know how this has been affecting me. I’ve told him I’m unhappy with us. I’ve told him how I feel we aren’t even really connected anymore. It just feels like two people living in a house trying to not upset each other.
I’m really hoping this is the case. He said he doesn’t want for us to be apart and I said the only way for us to be together is to be sober and basically start over. Start over in the way of finding things we like to do and they don’t even have to be together. I mean some of them need to be of course but I also know we need our own thing I have my working out and running but he doesn’t really have anything other than playing video games and he mostly only does that when he is on his doc
We can want change for our partners but that just isnt something we can control. Sucks for sure. But when we make our thoughts known and let it go thats the healthiest thing we can do. Plus men hate when we “try to control them” im still working on this…sometimes daily
It’s so important that you’re telling him how you feel. Being very clear and direct. As you said, I think, it’s necessary for you to do so. You
have lots going on right now Jen. Thinking about you. Big hugs.
I never insert the quotes right.
Please, please please don’t say fuck it and start drinking! I know that’s not what you want for you and in this case you should think of ‘you’ before you think of the two of you.
I knew after I said it I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to go back to drinking. Not to toot my own horn but I’m such a better person without it lol. It was just the closest I could come to expressing how his coke use makes me feel.
Thank you for the hugs
Hey Jen. Sorry I missed all the fireworks. I hope you feel a bit better after your rant or vent or whatever. I know I mentioned Al-Anon meetings to you and you had to work those hours and you hit up some AA meetings that’s great.
May I suggest if your willing to check out the Al-Anon website for some books. Maybe that can help you. There’s a blue one called How AlAnon works. I got it on my kindle. And The Courage To Change is my favorite daily reader. There’s lots of good Al-Anon approved books out there. The part I like the best is the real stories of people. A lot of the books tell you how Al-Anon works. The slogans and serenity prayer etc…… How we can’t control it. But the real life stories and what people go through is what I like to read the most.
Anyway…. My wife and I drank for 38 years together. And we did the drug thing before children. I know exactly how you feel. And it feels very lonely. I’m just not willing to throw away my 40 years of marriage. Yet. I don’t think that’s an option in my case. For better or worse I don’t know. I’m not always calm about it. And it’s taken me a year of meetings and working on myself to get where I am. Thanks for the compliment.
The thing that does help me be calm is knowing I’m powerless over alcohol. Totally fucking powerless. Hers. Mine. Yours. My kids. I know I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. And I didn’t cause it. I can only work on myself. When my life became unmanageable a year ago. That’s when I got my ass in a seat at Al-Anon.
This family disease of addiction really sucks. It’s a disease of relationships. It’s very sad. And lonely. I’ve had a lot of anger. And rage. It never got me anywhere. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you posted. Keep reading more on this thread. And more Al-Anon approved literature it’s helped me.
And ya. I’ve written it a few times. All I got to do is start drinking again and all this shit with my wife goes away. Really though? I don’t think so. But I think it a lot. I’m not letting anyone make me pick up. I guarantee you that.
I know you know I’m always here for ya. Anytime my friend.
Big hugs to ya.
Edit @Runningfree
You do deserve a sober and happy life Jen. You’ve worked so hard on yourself. You are always doing the next right thing. Your worth it.
Thank you Lisa. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. It really was so cool of these people. These five ladies. To give me such an unexpected celebration. I originally didn’t speak up when they mentioned every 3rd Thursday is a birthday meeting or whatever. I’m so glad I spoke up a couple of minutes after. I felt like a doofus. But only for a second. I’m so glad I spoke up.
You know it’s hard. I got no one. Absolutely no one to share my excitement with IRL. I am proud of myself too. It’s a lot of work. I can’t tell my kids. I can’t tell our friends. This whole fucking thing is our dirty little secret. Fucking sucks. I can tell Julie in London she would never tell Kelly. Or my sister. But it’s still not the same. And my sister is such a narcissistic type personality that some how it’d be about her So thank you for being such great support for me.
You know she was going to do a dry week. And I knew she could do it. Well she asked me today at lunch if she could have a glass of wine. Of course I nicely said “I don’t care.” So she did. I think she was dry 2 or 3 days. She didn’t make it 7 days. I really thought she would.
But you know the crazy part? I’m kinda relieved she went and drank today. How fucked up is that? I mean she was only going to do 7 days and start drinking again anyway. Now I don’t have to wait another 4 days for it to happen. So fucking crazy.
We always say in Al-Anon it’s possible to find happiness and serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I don’t know how to do “Not.” I’m familiar with the chaos of her drinking. Which isn’t that bad honestly. It’s addictive behavior but she isn’t driving or gonna kill anyone. But herself. And I’m safe. I just never know where she’s going to pass out drunk. Which is not good. But it could be way worse. I really can’t imagine how life would be if she quit. I’ve never had to be afraid of her relapsing and being drunk again. I don’t know. Just putting my crazy thoughts down here.
I haven’t even told her about the celebration they gave me. I take this anonymity shit very serious. Once and awhile I let a few little things out. Like how blessed we are our children survived and recovery. But I hardly ever talk about my meetings. Except to reassure her, I try my hardest to keep my shares about me. It’s not about her. She sometimes think I go there to talk about her I go there to get away from her. The last thing I want to do is talk about her Guess I’m learning.
Anyway…… thanks.
I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Free from moving and dealing with 2 houses. Have a great weekend.
Congratulations @Dazercat !!
So proud of you! Love reading how much you enjoy and how meaningful your Al-Anon meetings are for you. So glad you took that first big step of going and have continued wherever you are. I like that you have the support and also the social outlet/ connection.
Lots of admiration for you and your own sober journey and your journey with your drinking loved one.
I’m happy for you how you’re handling it snd your emotions. Glad you have all of us too. Who love, care and applaud you on those journeys.
Big hugs and big congrats!!
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And I don’t count her glasses. But I know the routine. It’s just me and her 24/7. But I thought it was funny I didn’t know what she was drinking and I did the right thing. I kept my mouth shut.
wife.
. My wife still drinks. I’ve been going to Al-Anon for a year. My wife still drinks. I guess it doesn’t matter what she does. Or anyone else for that matter. If I keep coming back some how magically it works. I find and get serenity and I can live with myself. Sober. I know I’m getting better. Slowly. I know I relapse all the time and freak out every couple of months when my life becomes unmanageable, but I know I got Al-Anon and somehow it keeps me sane.
im still working on this…sometimes daily
So thank you for being such great support for me.
