Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[Its_me_Stella]

I am very sorry that this happened to you. Like other have said, dont minimize it… sure it may not have been the end of the world but it was hurtful and humiliating. I am glad you are sharing about it that is a very big step in healing from a parent/child relationship where your feelings have been ignored and minimized.

@Pandita

I know, it’s a tiny thing and all too human to forget something

This comment you made is self gaslighting, we learn it from the best. When we are brought up in a family where our parents tell us that we over react, that our feelings are too big, that “its doesnt matter” , we start to use their vocabulary on ourselves. I am here to tell you it does matter, you matter and your feelings definitely matter.

Sending you a massive hug.

[Pandita]

Thank you, @Its_me_Stella. I couldn’t have put it into words on my own. It’s still hard to recognize the pattern sometimes, even though I have been getting better at it. Still learning the whole “emotions don’t lie” thing and to trust what they are trying to tell me. Your words really helped

[Dazercat]

I’m grateful for Om Mani Padme Hum.
I’m grateful for little victories.
I’m grateful I was up and ready to walk the dogs. We always always always, walk the dogs together. I’m talking a grateful 40 fucking years of walking the dogs together.
I’m grateful I walked the dogs on my own because I felt like it.
I’m grateful I checked my motives.
I’m grateful I didn’t have any resentment about walking the dogs alone.
I’m grateful I wasn’t angry about walking the dogs alone.
I’m grateful I didn’t feel like waking her up.
I’m grateful she gets to do what she does and I get to do what I want.
I’m grateful as I was getting ready to leave she came out and I didn’t wait for her for another 20 minutes.
I’m grateful I had pleasant conversation with her before I left on my own. She was a little shocked I was leaving without her.
I grateful I got to chant the Om Mani Padme Hum mantra while I walked the 2 dogs alone.
And I’m grateful for “Don’t Think, Meat.”
I’m grateful everything is still pleasant after the dog walk.
I’m grateful I’m learning to do and enjoy doing things alone and not think about what someone else might be thinking.
“Don’t Think, Meat.”

[Deelzebub]

My parents called on Sunday to say that they were coming to town for the last of the eye appointments and that they planned on staying over at my home. I had nothing written in my diary so I felt obliged to say that was ok, but really my mental health has just spiralled at the thought. As I was sharing during today’s AlAnon meeting I came to the realisation that I really did not want them to stay and that it was up to me to tell them that, and I was just totally overwhelmed with emotions. The other members of the group literally rallied round and gave me a pep talk and helped me to work out what I needed to do next.
Honestly, these meetings have been so eye opening for me and I’m really grateful for them. X

[Deelzebub]

@Bootz

“They can’t drive you crazy if you take away the keys!”

I love this!

[erntedank]

Dear friend @Dazercat I’m happy you find joy in doing things alone and not worrying about your loved one.

My therapy and the sharings here on TS made think about the slow deteriorating development our marriage took.
I started doing things on my own long ago. I hindsight it is interesting for me that my ex did the same. The more he drank the less interest he had in doing things together and sharing time with me. The more often he came home drunk I could not bear his behaviour and smell anymore and I withdraw from him, frustrated, hurt, lonely, feeling abandoned and unloved. We used to talk a lot in the evening and we both enjoyed it. When I decided not to drink along with him anymore these talks stopped. Mainly because I was not in the mood to listen to his ever the same complaining when I was sober. My compassion for him somehow drained out after years of listening to the same annoying issues over and over again without him not changing anything. He did not work on himself or his situation, health or our relationship. This is a realization that makes me sad and the serenity prayer will be with me today and help me
I’m grateful I can share my thoughts here. It clears my mind a bit and lightens my heart.

[TrustyBird]

I hear this. Sobriety has me re-thinking my lifelong desire to please and draw a gaze. 5 years ago I was consistently kind to an older male regular at a book store where I worked because I thought I had to make that person comfortable around me. He just showed up at my sister’s workplace (different last names, no social media on my part) asking about me when there is no reason he should know we are related.

I also have a guy at work I struggle to be cordial to. His first interaction was to ask me what time I got off work and where I parked. The answer, late and none of your business.
I am trying to balance professionalism with comfort in my skin. Being sober and female makes me feel fearful and powerful in equal measures.
I was raised in a house where to be a woman is to be kind and overly accommodating. I am just learning to trust what feels right. Sending a raised fist and a sneer to those that give us the creeps.

[Dazercat]

I’m finding it very hard to be grateful this morning. I could go through the myriad of things that I have that I’m grateful for. But they’re just “things,” and I’m very grateful, appreciative, blessed, undeserving, uncomfortable sharing all the “things,” I have that I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful for some of the other things that aren’t things like my children and their wonderful spouses and 2 beautiful grandchildren, my pets, my sobriety, the wonderful caring people, new and old, that I’ve met on TS, especially you gratidudes on my home thread. My Al-Anon groups that I’m getting to know and love.

But my reality is none of those material things, even nature, which I love so much, mean shit as I’m stepping over my wife on the living room floor where she slept much of the night last night.
I guess I’m grateful she didn’t fall in the restaurant last night. I forced her to take my hand as we left. I’m grateful she didn’t rudely voice her opinion butting in on someone else’s conversation. I’m grateful I put on a movie and step over her a few times when I got up. I’m grateful I took pics for the first time and sent them to her by text. I’m grateful I wasn’t afraid to do that. I have been. I’ve always thought that was petty.

I’m grateful I finally got my apology that I thought would be nice when she does things like this. It wasn’t. I’m grateful I reckon those apologies don’t mean shit coming from an active alcoholic. I’m grateful we already talked about last night. I’m grateful when I realized I was doing all the talking, that means I’m trying to control and uncontrollable situation. And so I thought about that. Yep. Exactly what I’m doing. I’m grateful I finally shut up and came here.

I’m grateful I love my wife.
I FUCKING HATE THE ALCOHOLIC!!
I’m grateful we are going to walk the dogs in the cool Flagstaff weather. I can’t wait to see Minnie’s face. She loves the trail and cool weather up here.

I’m grateful I did a meditation about Hopelessness. Because that is exactly how I feel.
I’m grateful I read the A Spiritual Principle A Day book. And I read it from 2 days ago instead of today.
I’m grateful it was about surrendering.
I’m grateful it was about surrendering AGAIN. And again and again. Every fucking day until I get this right.

I’m grateful my meditation about hopelessness talked about hopelessness being resistance.
My resistance to: Hope
Freedom.
Ease.
Light.
Healing is through hope.
Hope is through surrender.
Surrender allows me to trust.
Trust this too shall pass.

Whelp. That’s all I got. Thanks to anyone who might have read this. It’s fucking hard as hell some days. I think there’s a noon meeting I can hit on Monday.

I already told her if she’s drinking for lunch I’m canceling the Mother’s Day dinner reservation tonight. I don’t think that’s me trying to control. I just don’t want to put myself in that situation. I pray I hold firm on that boundary today. She can still go to dinner. It’s her choice.

I’m grateful for y’all.
I’m grateful my sobriety is fucking strong.
Happy fucking Mother’s Day y’all.
Love you

[Lisa07]

Ugh! Eric, I have no words. Proud of you for taking pics and sending them though. Sending you strength to stick with that boundary today. If she drinks, you WILL cancel dinner reservations. Much love to you my friend

[erntedank]

I hear you, I feel with you dear friend. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you experienced how hollow an excuse from a confronted alcoholic feels after confronting with documented behaviour. The hopelessness doesn’t lighten, not even for the moment. You are so amazing in your working on surrender and let go. I deeply wish it helps you. From my experience coping with this dichotomy of love and hate is exhausting, bothering, schizo, causing so many different and even conflictive emotions. I’m sad to hear it’s getting worse. Please protect your boundaries, such situations gnaw on our sanity. Boundaries are a form of love.

I’m huging you

[XXIX]

I’m so sorry. I completely understand what it’s like to have an alcoholic father. My dad was a good guy when he was sober. I HATE this disease!!!

[Merryshoes]

I’m so sorry, Eric. For what it’s worth, we’re here for you. Please take care of your heart, your mind and your sobriety. Again, we’re here for you.

[Dazercat]

Apparently it’s more important for her to have 2 glasses of wine with lunch so SHE canceled our dinner out. Looks like I’m cooking tonight. But that’s ok. I can pick something I like to make.

I don’t want to be with her at lunch when she’s drinking. I feel like I’m caving. She said she’s having 2 with lunch then none after lunch until 5 or 6 tonight here at home tonight. Then she says she’s doing a dry 7 day bullshit thing.

I’m happy enough with my decision and keeping the boundary I could and told her I’m not happy about going out to lunch and her drinking. We’ll get groceries after and I guess we’ll see what happens.

We’re talking. I’m not wearing my martyrs hat. We’re getting along. I just got another heart felt apology with her admitting how badly she fucked up. And a kiss. And she says she’s serious about the 7 day dry thing. And as long as I’m not Charlie Browning it tonight as Lucy pulls the football out from underneath me I’ll be ok. And I love going to new meetings tomorrow and luckily it’s at noon. So no chance of lunch out and drinks around me tomorrow.
I’ll be ok.

[Dazercat]

Thanks Merry I’m glad y’all are here for me.

[Dazercat]

@erntedank

dichotomy of love and hate is exhausting,

It’s so exhausting.
But after lunch I got my deck and the Ol Burner a good book and maybe a cat or 4 in their Cats On Deck.
They did a great job stripping, sanding, and restaining my wooden deck while we were gone. I’ll enjoy resting up there this afternoon. In the pines.
Thanks for your continued support and strength and hugs. I appreciate it a lot.

[Lisa07]

She probably cancelled dinner to avoid feeling humiliated if you were to do it. In her head, she’s thinking she still has control. Typical alcoholic behavior. I like the fact that you get to choose dinner now though.

[Marc3]

Hi Eric. Just wanted to let you know that reading your posts really helped me to decide to try yet again to get sober. My partner has no interest in quitting the drink and drug binges, and for a long time that left me feeling trapped, as though sobriety was impossible for me in my situation. I have eventually realised what a bullshit excuse that is and that no one besides me is responsible for what I do. But your posts truly gave me hope that I could get this right for myself, regardless of the path my partner chooses and I wanted to let you know how grateful I am to you for that.

[Dazercat]

Thanks for letting me know this. You’re making me cry. I’m just so happy when someone, somehow, somewhere gets something out of the chaos of addiction in my life. You know. When I first started my sober journey I was so busy concentrating on my sobriety. Now 3 plus years and it’s more difficult watching her. I know I can’t control it. But it hurts like hell to watch her.

Lisa.
It really is exhausting watching her try and control her drinking. @Lisa07
Sometimes I can’t understand why she just doesn’t give it up. What with all we got going for us in our lives. I mean I get it. #fuckaddiction She’s an alcoholic.

I don’t remember trying to control my drinking like that. I was way out of control. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. So I just drank. And drank.

[Alisa]

I’m so sorry Eric… I have a lot of admiration for how you handle this as hard and difficult and heartbreaking as it is.
Prayers, love, thoughts, Hope, that there will be a change.

[JazzyS]

Im sorry Eric - sounds like youve had one hell of a weekend. I am super proud that you were able ti a) take pics of the drunken state b) show the pics as evidence and c) make a solid plan to not be around drinking during lunch.
As @Alisa said - i believe your wife canceled plans first so that she wouldnt feel hurt or shame when or if you did it.
I cant imagine living with an alcoholic let alone living with an alcoholic as you are trying to get sober. More props to you my friend.
I know she is not doing this to hurt you. It is this relentless disease. No matter what anyone said or did, i just couldnt imagine how people lived without drinking. It was like breathing to me. I do hope that she suceeds in her dry 7 days and hopefully thatvleads to more dry days.
Im sorry you are going through this - know you have friends here to talk to and your lovely pets. Sending you strength