Hey Jen. Sorry I missed all the fireworks. I hope you feel a bit better after your rant or vent or whatever. I know I mentioned Al-Anon meetings to you and you had to work those hours and you hit up some AA meetings that’s great.
May I suggest if your willing to check out the Al-Anon website for some books. Maybe that can help you. There’s a blue one called How AlAnon works. I got it on my kindle. And The Courage To Change is my favorite daily reader. There’s lots of good Al-Anon approved books out there. The part I like the best is the real stories of people. A lot of the books tell you how Al-Anon works. The slogans and serenity prayer etc…… How we can’t control it. But the real life stories and what people go through is what I like to read the most.
Anyway…. My wife and I drank for 38 years together. And we did the drug thing before children. I know exactly how you feel. And it feels very lonely. I’m just not willing to throw away my 40 years of marriage. Yet. I don’t think that’s an option in my case. For better or worse I don’t know. I’m not always calm about it. And it’s taken me a year of meetings and working on myself to get where I am. Thanks for the compliment.
The thing that does help me be calm is knowing I’m powerless over alcohol. Totally fucking powerless. Hers. Mine. Yours. My kids. I know I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. And I didn’t cause it. I can only work on myself. When my life became unmanageable a year ago. That’s when I got my ass in a seat at Al-Anon.
This family disease of addiction really sucks. It’s a disease of relationships. It’s very sad. And lonely. I’ve had a lot of anger. And rage. It never got me anywhere. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you posted. Keep reading more on this thread. And more Al-Anon approved literature it’s helped me.
And ya. I’ve written it a few times. All I got to do is start drinking again and all this shit with my wife goes away. Really though? I don’t think so. But I think it a lot. I’m not letting anyone make me pick up. I guarantee you that.
I know you know I’m always here for ya. Anytime my friend.
Big hugs to ya.
Edit @Runningfree
You do deserve a sober and happy life Jen. You’ve worked so hard on yourself. You are always doing the next right thing. Your worth it.
Thank you Lisa. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. It really was so cool of these people. These five ladies. To give me such an unexpected celebration. I originally didn’t speak up when they mentioned every 3rd Thursday is a birthday meeting or whatever. I’m so glad I spoke up a couple of minutes after. I felt like a doofus. But only for a second. I’m so glad I spoke up.
You know it’s hard. I got no one. Absolutely no one to share my excitement with IRL. I am proud of myself too. It’s a lot of work. I can’t tell my kids. I can’t tell our friends. This whole fucking thing is our dirty little secret. Fucking sucks. I can tell Julie in London she would never tell Kelly. Or my sister. But it’s still not the same. And my sister is such a narcissistic type personality that some how it’d be about her So thank you for being such great support for me.
You know she was going to do a dry week. And I knew she could do it. Well she asked me today at lunch if she could have a glass of wine. Of course I nicely said “I don’t care.” So she did. I think she was dry 2 or 3 days. She didn’t make it 7 days. I really thought she would.
But you know the crazy part? I’m kinda relieved she went and drank today. How fucked up is that? I mean she was only going to do 7 days and start drinking again anyway. Now I don’t have to wait another 4 days for it to happen. So fucking crazy.
We always say in Al-Anon it’s possible to find happiness and serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I don’t know how to do “Not.” I’m familiar with the chaos of her drinking. Which isn’t that bad honestly. It’s addictive behavior but she isn’t driving or gonna kill anyone. But herself. And I’m safe. I just never know where she’s going to pass out drunk. Which is not good. But it could be way worse. I really can’t imagine how life would be if she quit. I’ve never had to be afraid of her relapsing and being drunk again. I don’t know. Just putting my crazy thoughts down here.
I haven’t even told her about the celebration they gave me. I take this anonymity shit very serious. Once and awhile I let a few little things out. Like how blessed we are our children survived and recovery. But I hardly ever talk about my meetings. Except to reassure her, I try my hardest to keep my shares about me. It’s not about her. She sometimes think I go there to talk about her I go there to get away from her. The last thing I want to do is talk about her Guess I’m learning.
Anyway…… thanks.
I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Free from moving and dealing with 2 houses. Have a great weekend.
Congratulations @Dazercat !!
So proud of you! Love reading how much you enjoy and how meaningful your Al-Anon meetings are for you. So glad you took that first big step of going and have continued wherever you are. I like that you have the support and also the social outlet/ connection.
Lots of admiration for you and your own sober journey and your journey with your drinking loved one.
I’m happy for you how you’re handling it snd your emotions. Glad you have all of us too. Who love, care and applaud you on those journeys.
Big hugs and big congrats!!
My husband said the same thing when I was going to meetings before he got sober. My response was… "I’m going to get away from your drunk ass and to work on ME. The last thing I wanna do is talk about YOU. " I can’t say I never talked about him but when I did, it was always about how his drinking affected my mental health and sobriety.
It’s kinda new. 2008. My Thursday group reads from this one. I’ve only been to this group 2 or 3 times but I’ve always appreciated the stories in this book and we share about how some of the stuff relates to our situation.
And the number of times I’ve gone. Hey that’s me . Is a lot.
I think I’m going to start reading it on my own. There’s a lot of stuff in it about relationships.
Idk if im doing this right but here it goes while i was still in my addiction i met my gf and she was actively drinking as well but im really glad i saw this thread because now we have a son and one incident a year and a half ago got cws involved our son had to stay at my parent’s house until we both went to classes, court, piss testing etc. During that time my son was away my gf was devastated by shame and guilt but i saw her do everything she needed to to satisfy the courts and it reallly helped me realize that we could handle all kinds of problems together while not drinking or using. But fast forward to July 2022 and we both made it thru programs and courts to get our son back it was a really happy time even though we had lost another child that month as well she was stillborn and we had both made it thru all that stuff sober it felt really good as it felt great to have a partner in recovery. After all that we had both went thru the last couple of months my gf has been drinking behind my back while im at work and ive had arguments with her about her drinking because i really dont want cws in the picture ever anymore. it just frustrates me to no end because ive told her how i feel about her drinking and how i cant do all this anymore and that drinking alcohol is a deal breaker but i cant bring myself to call cws myself but part of the reason i feel like she drinks and makes excuses about it is because there are no consequences from me for drinking. I mean i have told her how i feel about her drinking and lying til im blue in the face but it keeps happening. i really dont know if there is anything else i can do to help her get back on track but im afraid it might be past the point of no return. Its like im literally sick with stress worrying about this shit.
The number one thing is your child’s safety. It’s up to you to protect him.
When you know she’s sober I would ask her how she felt When the child was taken away.
It must’ve been very hard on her also when you had the stillborn child.
Now you have your child back that was taken away.
Ask her how she would feel if he was taken away again?
What is her answer? It’s OK with her? She doesn’t care?
Big question, she’d rather put the alcohol ahead of her child?
As a mother she should be a responsible adult. You know that. Stick close to here, check in, say how you’re feeling about everything and what’s going on. I hope that you’re able to get her some help. Or that she’s able to get herself some help. And realize what’s at risk and what is really important in her life.
Editing to add.
If your child is under her care while you are at work and she’s running around behind your back drinking and lying… Seems like that should be unacceptable. It puts your child at risk.
Hey Jerm,
You’re doing it right. Putting it out here. It always helps me to put things out here and at least get it of my chest and then see what happens.
You are in a very difficult situation and with a child involved that makes it so much harder, stressful, frightening, and just plain awful. I’m sorry you have to live with something like this.
I would protect my son and my sobriety at all cost. All the talking I do with my wife, how it makes me feel when she drinks, passes out, reasoning with her, telling her how much I love her. You name it. It does no good. It’s not personal. It’s a disease. It’s the essence of addiction. What I have to do for myself is take care of me first. Detach from her, with love when possible, and make some boundaries that keep me comfortable. It’s really hard on me living with an active alcoholic. And I don’t have a child to be responsible for. I cannot imagine what you’re going through.
The 3 C’s is one of the first things I learned in Al-Anon.
I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Control it.
I can’t Cure it.
And of course Step 1.
I’m powerless over addiction. Totally powerless. I have to surrender daily.
Living with an addict is hard work. But it’s the work I do on myself, that hard.
Not on my wife. She’s gonna drink. It’s hard man. Really hard.
Whelp this happened today.
I cannot believe it’s been a full year to the day that I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings. 1 or 2 a week, sometimes 4.
I told my Twinnie over a year ago that I’d go back to Al-Anon if my life became unmanageable because of someone else’s drinking. I’ve always tried to be a man of my word. Thanks for driving me there @Its_me_Stella I seriously don’t know if I would have gone if I hadn’t told you that. You’ve been a big help.
Thank you.
After a year in Al-Anon I’ve gotten better. I’m not sure how. Maybe I’ve changed just a bit. Or look at things differently. Of course she’s still drinking. I have not seen any change on her end. That’s not why I go to Al-Anon. I go to Al-Anon to learn tools and listen to stories of strength and hope. And sometimes just to be with people that understand where I’m at. And sometimes just to get away from her drinking.
I’ve never been sorry I went to a meeting. I’ve always gotten a pearl or a golden nugget from someone that knows what I’m going through. I’m not exactly sure how it works. But I keep going back. I’m the only person I can work on. I’m the only person I can change. Or have any right to change. I still got a long way to go. My life has been affected by alcoholics ever since I can remember. Some of that alcoholic was me. Staying sober and feeling my feelings and being ok with them has been hard work. But I’m doing it.
Anyway…… I got to go to a meeting.
Thanks to all the people who use this thread and especially my supporters on here. Too many to list. I love you guys. Thank you for being by my side.
Woo hoo! Congrats Eric!
That twinnie of yours is pretty remarkable. She has made a huge positive impact on my recovery too. I think we should keep her around.
You inspire me in so many ways. You are one of the people I can look to when life feels too big and I need a beacon of hope that I can make it through. You are one of the people who are proof to me that when you work a strong program of recovery life (inside us) gets better. And you know, youre one of the people I look to when I need to be shown there is such a thing as unconditional love, that there are people in this world who will love a person through everything. Thank you for being a man of your word and facing your fears so that you could find your safe haven. I am so fucking proud of you and I love you.
So thank you for being such great support for me.
I go there to get away from her. The last thing I want to do is talk about her 
Guess I’m learning.
. Is a lot.
