You should tell her how you feel. Let it hurt her feelings. Maybe she needs it. Sometimes it can be a catalyst for change.
2 Likes
TW rant:
Today is my 49th birthday. Husband and me had a lovely get together with friends yesterday (no alcohol involved, lot of fun). We made an amazing trip today. It was a really lovely birthday for me, the first in years. Normally he gets wasted or is annoying. Not this year, it was so nice.
And my mother busted it.
She is 91, still living alone, we talk in the morning and in the evening on the phone. This evening I got her call but nobody answered, I called her back, no answer. So I drove over to her place (40 min. drive) and called a friend to come over too.
I found her on the floor, boozed, apparently she fell from the chair while fuddling with her exercise thingy for arms and legs.
I am so upset, in rage, furious, disappointed, worried and disgusted all at once, I could explode. All my youth there was this disgusting permanently trashed women, never there as a mother, still I love her dearly. I thought I made my peace when she got sober decades ago and I went to therapy.
Nope, no peace for me.
She now is in hospital and I don’t want to deal with this shit. old: ok. needy: ok. need assistance: ok. but boozed??? WTF 
Thanks God due to corona nobody is allowed to accompany a patient. Last time she fell I accompanied her and it ended really bad: she is a stubborn old lady and I just left because I need sleep and have to get up in the morning. I was so angry. This time I leave it to the professionals to deal with her. Not my circus.
I’m totally exhausted and grateful I still have my house in town where I can stay. In my cozy bed, listening to the washing machine I started. While I’m here I can as well do some laundry. There is a lot of calm in everyday duties.
This are the moments when I really think: Fuck, I didn’t ask to be born. So what the hell do I have to deal with your shit?
No answer today, I go to sleep now and carry on tomorrow. Have an important appointment at 9 a.m. so there’s still enough hours to sleep and rest left 
11 Likes
That is rough. Maybe she is feeling lonely or depressed? 91 and drinking? Wow.
You are doing a good thing. She needs your help. Dealing with family is so hard.
On a positive note, glad your husband is ok.
5 Likes
Thank you for your kind words @Daphnecat It means so much to me that I can come here and have a place where I can talk openly and know there are kind people.
Yes, she complains all the time that all her friends and family are long gone and she is not happy to be still here. My dad died 12 years ago at age 85 and she has been living alone since. As she survived world war 2 and fled to Austria with her mum, my beloved grandmother, the current war in Ukraine triggers a lot. One reason why I don’t watch news.
Being there for her is not easy. We never had a good relationship but it is ok since she became sober. Not that she wanted to, my dad put er into rehab after I had a monsterfit in the mid 90s and told them there are two ways to carry on. Either my parents behave like responsible adults and like parents should or I’m off to the USA for good and will cut off every contact, I had a good job offer back then.
To be honest I am tired, tired and tired. Tired of all this family crap, tired of always being the one to fix it, tired to be the one who functions regardless what happens, tired of the feeling that no-one seems to support me or asks how I feel, tired of being tired.
This too shall pass and I feel low because I didn’t sleep well. I can’t do anything for my mum at the moment but I will do something for me: Get up, get a hot shower, grab a car full of books here to bring them to our new home and head off to my appointment. I will feel better then.
Thanks for listening 
11 Likes
Onjave found that AL Anon meeting are the .ost uncomfortable. Older butter woman run ut and I will never go back
1 Like
It took me awhile to find an Al-Anon meeting I could relate to. Thank God I had quite a few options where I lived at the time. Then when I did find one. I couldn’t wait to go every Thursday night.
2 Likes
My best friend she is currently Relapsing. At this point I’ve done all I can do or say to try to motivate her to go to the hospital or detox. Plus I am about 2500 miles away from her. She has already had a safety check done on her a couple days ago I believe by her job or family. She has somebody looking after her. Her family lives close and so does her work. I’ve had to say things to her in the last couple days that I never thought I would have to. And it’s strange being on the other side of this thing. Having to call her out or talk to family because it’s going to save her life. But that’s what love is if that saves her life and she never talks to me ever again … It’s worth it. I have been talking about this with my Network, And briefly talking about it on here. At this point it’s just checking to see if she’s alive every day. And the best thing for me to do is stay exactly where I’m at. And keep focusing on my recovery and trying to save my life. And there’s no way this wouldn’t affect my recovery right now. I’m just trying to not let it consume my day and realize that I guess I’ve done all I can do right now. This is a tough situation. I don’t think getting on a plane is going to do anything but possibly risk my recovery
9 Likes
This is tough. Very kind and loving of you to check in on her daily and support her from the distance. I agree that getting on a plane would not add substantially to the support you offer but may risk your own recovery. It is hard to envision that the possibilities to help are limited and sobriety is a personal decision every day, every minute nobody can take from us or make for us.
I send you strenght and pray for both of you. Sounds you are a dear and loving friend, a great gift in life
4 Likes
Thank you for reaching back. It’s just so strange being on the other side of this. And I question whether I’m doing the right thing by not going there. I’m trying to stand my ground. I’m trying to tell her about How Sobriety is possible. About how simple it is. Trying to motivate her to make the right decision. But starting to admit that it’s affecting my own life the last couple weeks. I have some important things coming up in a couple weeks that I have to deal with… And I’m in the process of rebuilding my life like we all are, I might possibly have to step back completely at least for a little bit. I’m continuing to communicate and stay busy and not forget about my own recovery. I’m not worried about drinking but it Doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel mixed up or be going through it the next couple days or who knows how long. Thanks again
6 Likes
I had another fight with the husband. I am feeling like maybe I am was wrong to get upset, I dont really know. So I am sharing.
We went out on Friday, first time seeing live music since I got sober. I got super dolled up. He had 3 drinks, I had coffee and soda water. It was fine.
I left after 2 hours, because the show was over and I wanted to go home. He came home 3 hours later. He seemed pretty buzzed, but said that he had been talking to a friend about drinking less. He also said that it was depressing that I was sober now and he did not know how to deal with it. He was just mad at me for, well, just everything also, Again.
I got pretty annoyed and we got into it. Stayed mad at each other all weekend.
I am trying to be supportive. He just wants me to “drink like a normal person.” I keep trying to explain that that does not work for me.
Anyway, I have been worried that we would not get along after I got sober. This is happening.
Anyone else relate?
8 Likes
I personally would end the conversation right there. Don’t even defend your sobriety. Just make clear that you have the right to decide over your own life, and end this conversation about the option of you drinking again or his wanting you to. I find this very upsetting and am sorry that’s the mindset you are dealing with. 
Your husband needs to get a life. He seems to be under the impression that it’s any of his business what you do and that he has a right to demand you harm yourself or make yourself uncomfortable (since he doesnt seem to believe you’re an alcoholic) so he doesn’t need to face anything. That you owe him that and he gets to be a toddler about not getting what he wants.
I think the appropriate response would be to ask him to examine why he feel he wants you to drink when you clearly don’t want to. And the answer should be about him. It cannot start with “Daphnecat it more fun drunk” or some bs like that. He seems to be in the habit to blame you for shit and not look at his own behaviour one bit. Or separate between you and him. Your actions, his actions. Your actions, his feelings.
You did nothing wrong and you don’t owe him an explanation, justification or apology for your sobriety. It sounds like you have given him all three already. So he doesn’t need more of them. I find it admirable you remain sober and face all that comes with that while your husband is so damn unsupportive. It speaks of a healthy boundary there inside you and I’m super glad to see that! I didn’t have that for the longest time, a bit like your husband, and that was very miserable.
Your husband’s feelings are his problem. He needs to face and examine them. He needs to take responsibility for his bs. I hope that in the future there’s a big ass fucking apology in store there for you for how he treated you through this.
In the meantime: you’re a rockstar for handling it all so well! All dolled up drinking coffee at a gig, hell yeah! 
Edit: rereading your post this is how you start it
Which tells me it does get to you what your husband is trying to pull, putting all the blame on you. It gets hard to not believe that especially when we’re used to being pushed into that position and we let it happen, we accept that position. My boyfriend used to gaslight me like that in the past. I fought tooth and nail and we often had fights about it, but once he entered into recovery I could see clearly the damage it had done to me, to what an extent I had adopted the belief that things were my fault, nonetheless. It had become a subconscious belief that was very painful to face and try to overcome again. I’m still learning in that way.
Take care of yourself 
6 Likes
I may borrow the words from @Dazercat they nail it every day for me: I have to focus on my sobriety, not on somebody’s drinking. We can’t change others, we only can work on ourselfs and try to live a good, sober life. We can give living examples that sobriety is possible and a worthwhile “lifestyle”. To stay healthy we sometimes have to step back and make boundaries to protect ourselfs. Not because we are selfisch but because we are loving and caring people. Before we can care for others we first have to care for us. Otherwise we loose our track and are not be able to be there for ourselfs and loved ones.
Your post helps me to remind this. Thank you for sharing. Good vibes for the changes upcoming in your life
5 Likes
The only thing you can control is you. Maintain your path and concentrate on your sobriety. If he was talking to a friend about drinking less maybe his anger and attacks are coming from a place of jealousy over your new sober life. Shine brighter, don’t let his attitudes diminish you or your journey. Sending love and strength your way. Keep at it, it might get bumpy.
3 Likes
Dear @Daphnecat
Yeah, that’s great and I’m sure you looked marvelous 
My opinion: NOPE, nothing wrong with you. A lot of bullshit going on but again nope, not your own bullshit and getting upset about it is understandable and ok.
Did you feel better after getting upset and adressing back the gaslighting to your husband?
It is exhausting to deal with persons who just don’t get it and put pressure on you to behave to their “normal”. This “normal” is a fairy tale narrated by selfisch ignorant person(s) who are afraid to loose comfortable drunk you to sobriety, where you don’t meet their images and expectations about you. Betrayal!!! 
I learned here on TS that for me it is healthier to let go, step back and don’t argue with my drunk husband. Like you I get upset and his words hurt me. I still learn and practice. In my experience it becomes easier with every step back and not engaging in a discussion, it saves my energy for useful things and I sleep better. However I share your feeling of drifting apart and feeling lonely, not understood, not supported.
What I learned here on TS is: It’s normal. It’s perfectly normal when people estrange from me when I become sober because sober me is a different person than drunk me. And this person develops and so does my life. It’s also possible that people need time to get used to sober me, then appreciate it and the relationship deepens (again).
My husband became a bit more supportive over the last 2 years. Nonetheless his behaviour and attitude still is hard to deal with sometimes. That are the times when I step back and try not to take it personal. Success rate 50% 
, needs practice.
His demons are not my business, it’s hard but I don’t help him or me with drunk discussions or giving in and drink along with him. I still learn it, sometimes calm, sometimes upset, sometimes the hard way with drunken fights. It IS better to step away and focus on myself. He eventually will be clearheaded after hangover is over and then we can talk. Or not. It depends.
I send you strenght, big hugs and good vibes. You are not alone 
4 Likes
Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It is good to hear that I am not alone in feeling like this.
2 Likes
Just had to block my older brother due to his rude unnecessary comments to me. He’s a pot smoker at 69 yo and has been since 16. My Mom’s house needed some plumbing work and the first company screwed it up so I had to hire another company to finish the job. I won’t go into the details, it’s a long story. So, Mom tells brother who doesn’t get the full picture from her. She’s 91 and didn’t understand what happened, just that she’d have to wait a few more days. So, he sent an insulting text at 9 pm. At first I thought he sent the text to me by accident and it was to someone else he knows. After he confirmed it was to me and added more insults…I blocked him. Yeah for me. I did not keep up the text rant by explaining the situation. You can’t reason with someone who doesn’t care. Again, yeah for me. So sorry his take on life is so negative. He’s a sick %$#&@*%. Oh, that wasn’t kind. Progress. Not perfection. Thanks Alanon!
7 Likes
Dear @Phoebe
So sorry to hear about this. Good you got the plumbing fixed. My mum is also 91 and it’s hard for old people to have a disturbance in their daily routine, they are not capable to adapt or be flexible any more to get it.
It’s a great responsibility to care about our elderly loved ones. So sad that your brother is not caring and responsibly behaving but just shouting out in complaints.
Proud of you to set boundaries 
You are not alone, send you hugs
3 Likes
@erntedank If anyone would understand it’s the TS family. I try not to tell my spouse (sober for many years) about stuff cuz he gets pissed at bro and wants to defend me. That makes it worse, believe me. The struggle is real. Lol Thanks for the vote of confidence.
4 Likes
I hear you and I can relate
1 Like
My sister are I battled and hated each other while both my parents had Alzheimer’s. It really tore us apart. I lived far away and helped financially. She lived close by and did shit. Nothing. It was horrible.
I guess my point is. My moms care takers told me this is common with siblings during these difficult times. But after mom died my sister eventually apologized and we’re good now. Long distance helps. Definitely good to draw those boundaries. But it makes it so hard.
We figured out my sister is very narcissistic and you cannot argue with them either.
4 Likes