I hear this @Miranda, my husband still drinks and way more than a “normie” but is a kind and caring person. My first effort at sobriety was a two year stretch and during that time I became insanely jealous. I hadn’t allowed myself to experience jealousy in adult relationships before, instead of feeling things I drank or left. We had some awful fights and lots of uncomfortable conversations but we are in a much better place overall. That sobriety attempt didn’t last but this time around I feel much more settled in my soul and that is because we had those fights. As long as you are honestly communicating you’ll be okay regardless of outcome. Sending hugs for the whole scenario. 
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I’m just off the phone from my mum after hearing that both my parents have tested positive for covid. She just slipped into the conversation that she was unsure if she had been experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms since she’s decided to stop drinking (again) and was a bit relieved to find out she actually had Covid.
Of course I’m happy she’s sober, and I’d like to be able to support her as much as I can, but I’m also aware that I need to manage my own expectations too.
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Thanks Eric 
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Hi guys, just checking in. My partner has been sober one day and is very angry at me for giving him an ultimatum (I don’t stay in the relationship if he’s drinking). He seems very upset that I said that and I’m feeling incredibly guilty and thinking maybe I shouldn’t have said it. Is it fair to give ultimatums? I don’t want to live with an alcoholic.
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Is it fair to give an ultimatum? That is a great question. I would call an ultimatum a last resort. And I feel I would have to be prepared to follow through with it. I could not give an ultimatum if I wasn’t prepared to follow through.
I would always hope it never comes to that. But you have to protect your own sobriety and if your life is unmanageable and you’ve tried everything else you might not have any other choice. With that said an ultimatum with an alcoholic can be a very messy thing in the long run. I’m sorry your going through this hell. It must be hell or you wouldn’t be giving your partner an ultimatum.
I hope you find the peace and quality in life you deserve.
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I feel like if I don’t give him one, he’ll just continue to drink himself to death. He’s tried to stop a hundred times before and failed. He’s pretty sick - numb toes, discoloured feet, big belly, throwing up every morning. I dont know what to do. The ultimatum was unfair but I didn’t know how else to get him to stop.
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This is horrible. Sadly, you cant make anyone else stop. The ulitmatum is not unfair, if you focus on the part that is about you yourself: you will leave, unless he stops. It’s about giving yourself the chance to be in a relationship that doesn’t go against your grain, rather than policing him.
That said it’s fucking horrendous to the point of funny that someone who has discoloured feet and vomits every day from alcohol consumption chooses this ultimatum to be angry at his partner over. No words. Anything to just not focus on the self and the problems our addiction creates and covers up…
I wish you strength. If your partner is this far along I do believe he belongs in a hospital. Withdrawal for end stage alcoholism can be dangerous. I personally would not argue, I’d just call the ambulance.
Look after yourself during all this. His problems are not yours to the same extent as his own. I understand we are with our partners so that makes our problems intertwined. But you are still your own person, making decisions for yourself!
Sending a big hug!
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Thank you, truly.
Yeah, it’s sad that he’s using anger towards me to cover his disease, really sad. He promised me today he hasn’t/won’t drink and said do I trust him. I said not really based on the fact you lied about drinking before. He got angry and said he didn’t lie. He most definitely did. Then tonight I hear him go pour a drink while I’m showering, thinking I wouldn’t hear. I’m extremely disappointed with the lies and promises but he’s an addict so…part and parcel. It’s causing resentment towards him and breaking that trust ruins relationships. Just don’t know what to do or how to handle this.
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Yeah, trusting an addict in active addiction would be self-abuse I believe.
Have you confronted him about the drinking while you showered?
You set an ultimatum. What are the conditions to make sure its boundaries are upheld? Trust is I think a bad idea. Breathaliser? Daily meetings? Rehab? There need to be some conditions, partly so you can measure success but also because obvs your partner won’t be able to “just quit”. I mean, who can.
Are you prepared to walk away as @Dazercat mentioned as well? This is probably where an ulitmamum is tricky, because unless you are willing to bear the consequences, it’s only an empty threat and works exactly one time.
What are you holding on to this partner for? What are you getting out of this relationship? These are questions for you, not necessarily to be answered publicly. But maybe it would help to see more clearly what to do, which road to take. Maybe with a bit more distance you could feel your own needs more and he could realise that he’ll have to safe himself, stay alive, in order to be in a relationship with you.
Have you maybe a therapist to talk to about this?
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I dont have a therapist at the moment because I just relocated to a new country to be with him. I’m planning to visit family back home soon which he knows about (and is scared I won’t come back) hence the no drinking the last 2 days (well, he’s drinking but you know what I mean). So I’m firm on the ultimatum and he knows it. Or does he? Because he’s obviously sneaking drinks. I think the distance will help and is something mentally I need right now.
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Sorry to hear you are going through such difficulties. Send you big hugs!
I would like to be honest: THIS 
is not helping you or your partner.
You obviously want to live with the person but without the influence of alcohol - sorry, it’s not your choice if the person decides to refrain from alcohol abuse or not.
You consider to leave for good because of alcohol abuse consequences you don’t want to bear anymore.
Background question not to be answered publicly: He already must have been severely harmed from alcohol abuse when you currently moved in with him. How did you come to the decision and what were/are your ideas about how it should work?
Ultimatums don’t work without framing and consequences. You already saw what’s happening: He cheats on sobriety, lies and you lost confidence in him and yourself. He sees you’re still there, not gone.
Focus on yourself. You can’t change him. Trying to force a desireable behaviour on someone who doesn’t want to act like requested always failed, in the long run and in the short run.
There are no quick fix recipies for complicated relationships and straining situations. Best you can do is find out what you really want - and then act on it. Your sobriety comes first. To be sober helps adress problems and find out, what quality of life under which circumstances you need to live a good life. You deserve a good life, so does your partner. For your life, you are chief in charge to make it happen. For his life, he is responsible and the only one who can make steps and changes.
I know this kind of problem well, so I wish I could just recommend something simple to solve the situation. Best I can do is tell you: You are not alone. Come here and post. Sometimes typing things out helps to sort one’s thoughts.
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I’m just off the phone to my parents (we speak every day at 4pm) and I guess I’m feeling a bit frustrated. My mum hasn’t had a drink in 2 weeks, which is great but my dad is still drinking heavily. It’s always been this thing in our family that she can’t handle her drink but he can and he’s fine no matter how much he has. I beg to differ as I’ve seen the way he gets very sharp tongued and unpleasant when he’s drunk.
My mum was telling me that she’s been feeling very exhausted lately and also very moody and she’s thinking about halving the amount of beta blockers she has been prescribed against doctors orders to see if that makes a difference. I told her not to do anything without medical guidance and that perhaps she should get some blood work done to see what the problem might be.
I think I’m feeling fed up because of the whole atmosphere of denial, or of self medicating generally. I’m also aware that a big theme is lack of assertiveness. When I first went into recovery I took part in assertiveness classes and found them very valuable, and now I feel that I can see really clearly when my parents are being indirect, passive aggressive or convoluted in some way.
I’ve spent a long time in therapy over the years and I’ve spoken about this dysfunctional family upbringing at length, often seeing the funny side but sometimes I just get exasperated even now.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post exactly but perhaps I’m just wondering if you guys understand!
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Definitely not a got mine about never seen my kids again and it’s gave me the biggest kick up the arse ever 8 days av not seem but everyday goes past makes me realise wat really does matter in life a wish a had this long ago
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I hear your frustration. Send you hugs 
Parents can be straining.
Are you involved in the medication/care of your mother? Or is she only telling you about herself and what she is doing/thinking and you provide the listening part of the conversation? I ask because I got the feeling you somehow feel responsible to take care or help in some way. Please excuse if this is a misunderstanding.
In our family there is a similar arrangement: My mum calls me when she gets up, I call her in the evening (she is 91 and still living alone though). How do you feel about your daily routine of speaking at 4 pm?
I had to cut back because it was too straining and stressing for me in the long run. In the morning she speaks to my voicemail. That’s ok. I do my work and have a look at the phone when I’m done.
Focus on yourself. I may borrow from @dazercat: when you focus on somebody else’s drinking, you do not focus on your sobriety. This statement helps me tremendously, not only with drinking but with everything I cannot change 
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These are good points.
I think I gave her my input because I was practicing “being assertive” but actually she wasn’t asking for my input really. Perhaps I would benefit from stepping back a little, although I don’t want to condone her tinkering with her medication either.
I have the serenity prayer as my screensaver and I often meditate on it, and yes it is good to be reminded by yourself and Eric of its meaning and application to life situations.
Thanks for taking the time.
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I don’t think you condone anything. You made your point clear: No fussing with medication, adjustments only with medical supervision. If she doesn’t want to, it’s her responsibility and her health. By the way, you said she is taking meds which her doctor would not recommend/prescribe. Does she doctor shopping until she gets what she wants?
I think I’m gonna steal the screensaver idea
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I did wonder if I should have phrased that differently but it’s the dosage she’s tinkering with rather than the actual medicine in this instance. She used to use meds prescribed for my late brother (who died of alcoholism) and will often use meds prescribed for my dad. When my doctor advised me to take an omega 3 supplement while I was breastfeeding in order to help my son’s skin health my mum started taking a supplement too. I mean, that won’t have done her any harm but it shows her strange thinking.
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I understand. I’m not in the same situation you are in but you described it well and I can totally get how frustrating and also sad your situation is. I was reading along and relating to some of it. My father was all abusive alcoholic. My mom remarried and my step dad is great but my mom actually drinks more than she should and sometimes when I call her I can tell she’s been drinking and it really bothers me. My step doesn’t want to admit she has a problem. I also have a mother-in-law with dementia who decides she does not want to see a doctor and stops taking her medicine without any medical guidance. That’s an even longer story but basically I’m saying I can relate to your frustrations 
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Thanks for clarifying. This “mee too” is annoying and definitely unhealthy. Like my neighbour has a new lawnmover - me too. My sister has a new skirt - mee too. No idea how to deal with it. Seems to me like a mental health issue. Send you strenghth 
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I can totally relate totally relate my husband does the same thing you know I wish I had a week to being sober 60 days and I took a shot and it is sip of beer and I feel so self-conscious because I’m really liking being sober and holding myself accountable because I just feel so much better and my husband and I decided to get a divorce because he wants a drink and I’m not in that situation anymore I just I’m like listen you know I love you I want to be married to you but obviously you want to drink more I want peace of mind I don’t want to fight over alcohol so are you could do in this situation is take a step back and think about your peace of mind and your sobriety because nobody else is but you
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