Another meeting today? That’s awesome! So proud of you!
It’s so freeing to openly share with a bunch of people that get it. Even though they’re strangers there’s a connection.
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Ya boy!!
Thanks Lisa. I’m kinda proud of myself too.
I told her I was going next week too. I’m going to try and do Monday’s and Tuesday’s. I even let out that when we get back to Flagstaff I know of a 5 pm Monday meeting I plan on going too. Then I got the silent treatment.
Eventually she said she felt like I was brow beating her with these meetings and she feels like the bad guy. I just said. “Im sorry you feel that way.” And left it at that. Eventually we talked again and I did say we had a couple of nice days after the shit you pulled Saturday night. And she agreed. She is mortified about what she did. There’s nothing to talk about. She knows she did a terrible thing. I also told her I didn’t have resentful feeling towards her. And that it makes me feel good to go. That was it. We pretty much got along the rest of the night.
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Yeah! Well done @Dazercat! Take care of yourself and be the change that you want to see. You can’t change people but modeling positive sobriety goes a long way to getting people thinking about their own habits. 
I’m sorry it is still a little tense but I’m happy you are back with Al-Anon.
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You can’t control how your wife feels and you’re not causing it, her drinking is. We all know how in active addiction we don’t like to be made to look at ourselves cos it’s disappointing and embarrassing. This need for denial has been prioritised over yours for community and truth for too long. It’s great you’re going to the meetings, Eric! Your wife is a grown up woman, she will deal. Could be her opportunity too though I realise it’s not very al-anon to have these hopes. You do you. And wonderfully so! Keep us posted on the meetings!
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“We all know how in active addiction we don’t like to be made to look at ourselves cos it’s disappointing and embarrassing.”
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Had to tell my meth addicted sister she couldn’t stay at my house the other day. It’s not the first time I’ve had to put my foot down, but it was really painful this time. She was hurt too, but the deal I made with my wife is she needs to be 6 months clean… 4 days just wasn’t enough.
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14+ months later it is still disappointing and embarrassing to think of how I acted. And it helps me to stay sober ODAAT. I don’t want to be that person ever again.
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I’m really proud of you too–and I actually really hate telling anyone that I am “proud” of them. It’s like pulling teeth for me. But I really am and I wanted you to know.
My ex used to do some god-awful things when drunk in public, so I can relate, though your situation is on a bigger scale, I think. I’m really glad you’re doing this for you.
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Thank you.
I’m trying to get use to saying “proud of you,” on here too. But I keep thinking. I’m not your parent. It’s kind of weird saying it to people we don’t really know. And there’s my daughter. This is probably why I have a hard time with it. I told her how proud I was of her when she got clean. She said. “I’m sorry you weren’t proud of me before.” Fucking kids screwing with dads mind. But I’ve obviously never forgot that. I felt so bad. Of course I was proud of her before. I’m just proud of you today. 
I’m proud of you for telling me your proud of me. I’m proud of me.
Thank you for all your support.
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I remember when I was in middle school and a teacher had pulled me aside to talk with me, I don’t remember what about now, and somehow my mom got mentioned and she happened to be doing really well at something, and I said I was proud of her. The teacher seemed confused and wanted to know what I meant by that. Since my ability to communicate the situation I lived in with my mentally unstable addict mother was nonexistent , I just shut down and refused to talk any further. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from certain parts of my life, but whatever was going on at that time seemed to cause a real aversion to using the phrase.
I try to get out of my comfort zone though, and for as much as I know you, and as hard as your situation is, and honestly how much I personally hate meetings, I do feel that way. Words are hard. Saying certain words. Accepting certain words. Every interaction is a risk of misunderstanding or being misunderstood.
I really want things to work out for you and your wife. Sometimes things are really hard, but some things are worth the fight. Hang in there.
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So I think you guys know I’ve already said I don’t give ultimatums but I am finding it harder and harder to deal with my husband drinking because I don’t like the way he is with my daughter. Just mostly impatient, sometimes I feel like I have two kids instead of my husband and one daughter.
Anyway we had a really good talk because I’ve been feeling really depressed lately and I do think that’s part of it because it’s a struggle in my mind to try not to let it bother me when it really does. I know he’s on his own Journey blah blah blah but it still sucks when you don’t enjoy someone’s company and they are your partner. I’ve been honest that I don’t like how he is when he drinks. I find him extremely irritating. He does drink every night although some nights more than others so sometimes he’s more tolerable. Part of my depression I think is coming from the fact that I think I drank for so many years to tolerate his behavior. Anyway he seems to be serious about making some changes but then he said to me “I’m going to only drink on the weekends” and I felt like saying good luck with that. I know I should be more supportive of him like I am of everybody on here but it’s been 16 years of broken promises which is why I’m trying not to expect him to change but at the same time I wish he would and I think that’s why I’m feeling so depressed lately. Anyway super proud of him because he’s gone three days without drinking. I did tell him again it has to be because he wants to and I asked him if he would make a list of why he wants to drink and why he doesn’t but he just looked at me and said
“I don’t want to do that -I find it kind of awkward”… So as most of you know by reading that it pretty much means he’s not ready to change. I know I have to either accept it or move on. It makes me so sad because without alcohol he’s so great.
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I’m sorry your going through all that with your husband Miranda. I’m still riding the high from going to my 2 AlAnon meetings. I would like to say nothing has changed. And as far as my wife’s drinking. Nothing HAS changed. But after what she did Saturday night I find it a miracle that we have been getting along so well after me going to just 2 meetings. I really can’t believe I didn’t go sooner.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.
You didn’t cause it.
It takes work. I feel like I got an AlAnon booster shot. I knew all this stuff and hadn’t been to meetings for 8-10 years. And currently we’re good. It’s 3:30 she got her wine and will probably sleep off lunch. And I get to do my thing. Sure it sounds sucky. It is. But I REFUSE to be active in her alcoholism. I don’t know. I’m not going to drive myself crazy about what she does.
I don’t know how old your daughter is. And you don’t have to say. But they do have AlAteen meetings as well.
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Thanks Eric. I’ll look into meetings in my area. I’ve never been to meetings of any kind like that so even though I’ve thought about it I haven’t followed through with researching it because I guess I’m nervous… but it’s worth trying.
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I can understand you being nervous. I was nervous at my first one at family week at rehab for my kid. So I got a few under my belt that week. After rehab my kid was home one fucking night and started right up again. As the 3 of us were yelling and screaming I thought this is ridiculous. I got up and said I going out to find a meeting. You should have seem my wife and kid’s faces. It’s like I’m not playing. My wife was an insane lunatic. Rightfully so when your kid comes home from rehab and is using again. And my kid was raging on and lying and I just got up and left. I’ll never forget that night.
I’m sorry. I’m going on aren’t I?
Last thing. One guy the other night has been married 44 years and his wife won’t stop drinking. I been married almost 39 years with the same problem. Something about knowing I’m not alone in this. We didn’t chat or anything. I just listened to him and I’m like. I KNOW!!
She was kind of angry because I’m going again this Monday and Tuesday. But that’s on her. IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. I like that. I’m worth it.
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Good for you!!!
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I love this Eric! Good on you!
Hey @Miranda I just want to chime in with one thing:
You do? You know? You should? Why? Why on earth should you be anything or feel anything especially despite better judgement and especially despite your plain feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, abandonment that you voice here. Do not shame yourself out of your feelings, that’ll drive you nuts. And do not bully yourself to adopt an attitude you know is useless and false. It is not owed to your husband or anyone. If you can’t be on board, don’t be. Be yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t want the best for your husband or don’t love him.
Does your husband know the extent to which you are unhappy? Has marriage counseling been discussed? (Sorry if this has been brought up before and is repetitive, just ignore if so!)
I wish you strength and hopefully more sharing with your husband. You say he’s a great guy sober and I that gives me hope you’ll be able to build on that closeness you have when he’s sober during weekdays now.
Meetings also sound great for you!
Hug!
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FWIW
I’ve learn from countless rehabs and drug therapy to not use the word “should.”
It’s an expectation. It’s hard to live with expectations. And people don’t really want to be told what they “should,” do. I know I don’t.
Try it.
It takes work.
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Thank you @Faugxh . Yes my husband does know that I’m unhappy. He’s paying more attention now because he’s seeing my depression but I feel even more sad that it has come to this point because I have been literally spelling it out for years that I want more connection. I’ve even suggested trying to set “date nights” or walks together. He bought new running shoes and said he would get up in the morning -this was like 2 years ago and I think he’s gone a handful of times in the morning with me. Ok yes not a morning person…We used to play music together (I sing, he played guitar)… That was one of the things I fell in love with him for and I’ve mentioned a few songs that I’d like to do with him and he starts learning them and then never finishes. I blame the alcohol for that. His guitar playing has really gone downhill. I also blame alcohol for days that we have gone into town together shopping but we never stopped for lunch because he doesn’t eat all day. I always feel like things are rushed to get back home and I feel like it’s because he wants to have his beer. He doesn’t seem to have the motivation to do anything but yes maybe things will change if he’s sober through the week and I have brought up counseling. He doesn’t like to do things that make him feel uncomfortable which I’ve also talked to him about because how can we grow if we don’t feel uncomfortable and move forward. I also told him the other day that nl when we are 80 I want to look back and remember all the things that we got through together and say wow can you believe how far we’ve come.I don’t want to end up regretting life and feeling only emptiness about how things could have been. So this morning I woke up and there was a note that my coffee was ready to go and that maybe we could go for breakfast but the note he left was trying to be funny (I can’t really explain it on here) but I know he wrote it after he’d had a few beers because he told me he was going to drink last night and he did and I wish it didn’t bug me but it does so when I see the note about going for breakfast I don’t even want to go. I just feel like things are too far gone. Do I even want to work things out??? Is it just me feeling so low or have I lost my feelings for him.
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Thanks Eric yes I totally know about this “should” and the “shouldn’t” and the “never” and the “always”. I’m so careful not to say those to other people I should be more careful not to say those words in my own head to myself 
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I was just writing Brian about expectations.
I think expectations are the hardest thing for me to let go of. When I first met and married my wife she did a little cooking and stuff for me. It was so nice. It didn’t last long for whatever reason. Just a silly example. 39 years later and I still kinda wish my wife would cook for me. Not every day mind you. Just maybe more than 3 times a year. But I still kinda think it would be nice to have someone cook for me. She’s not a person who likes to cuddle. Never has been, since we had kids. So why do I think it would be nice to cuddle sometimes when she just can’t. And yes Stella, if your lurking, we did try it recently. It was too uncomfortable. And after 3 days of sitting on the couch together we just gave up. Sometimes it’s really hard. We got over 40 years together. I got to just keep working on myself. And my expectations. At least I think I got that “resentment” bastard under control.
Can’t wait for my meeting tomorrow.
At least we’re sober. Right!
And like Moxie says.
“I gotta quit going to the hardware store for bread. Or was it milk 
”. It’s hard sometimes. I can’t believe I still do it.
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