reading this is so sad and feels so tender and vulnerable. your sadness really touches me. I wished I could give you a hug.
my bf and me also used to play guitar and sing. I would make stuff up, lyrics, melodies, entire songs, many. afterwards I would never remember them and would not want to listen to the recordings. but now that he’s out as an SA I can see that hints of his betrayal and drawing away from me are in my lyrics that I made up drunk and then repressed, bluntly and sadly there.
he was not ready to change, then, either. I held out for a long time, too.
would you consider showing your husband this post of yours? I am by no means counceling to do this, ti’s totally against al-anon ideology, as I am aware, but I am not in al-anon and I was also strung along and unhappy for a long time. I did not leave and my partner has entered recovery and is turning his life around. it’s still hard to have been hurt so bad and lost so much time. I know your pain. the loneliness.
just as a thought experiment, how would your husband react to reading this post? to realise he could be losing you? that you’re that unhappy?
Thank you for caring. I have shared some of my posts with my husband. I’m not against sharing this one… But I think the reason I’m so sad is because I really truly have expressed myself so clearly so many times and I’m almost angry (although I feel I have no energy left to be angry) that it has come to me feeling so depressed to make him possibly even think about changing anything and yet even with the note he left about having breakfast at 10:00, it’s almost 10:30 and he’s not up yet and if he didn’t drink he probably would be so again… I’m disappointed. My daughter’s out for the morning probably back around 1:00 and this could be an opportunity for my husband and I had to do something together. I was up early as I normally am and was motivated to do things and now I feel completely deflated. Okay maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I look at these family photos around the house and I’m just sad because I feel like I’m grieving the past already. I understand what Eric (@Dazercat ) is saying about some of the things in Al-Anon but I also think I deserve to have the relationship that I would like and I don’t really want to settle even though we have so much history together. I think it’s so sad. I probably will share the post to my husband and I’ll also try joining an Al-Anon meeting to see if it can help me get out of this slump and find some hope. I’m going to look up Al-Anon meetings online right now. Thanks again for sending a hug. I do need it
Well I woke up this morning wanting to have a pity party. My favorite person told me pity parties are no fun alone. And since I felt very alone I wanted to do my old morning standby first. Gratitude. But I thought I got time. Pick up your ODAAT in AlAnon and read todays reading on your anniversary.
And the first thing I read was: “Nobody, said an AlAnon member, “seems to gives us credit for the courage it takes to live with an alcoholic.
Now I know, you all give me credit. And maybe you think I’m courageous. But Fuck Ya!! I got COURAGE! And that made me instantly feel pretty dang good about myself. Of course it take courage. We got some major balls living with an alcoholic!!
It goes on to say: We need courage to believe no situation is hopeless, to keep cheerful when we have cause for despair, to resist the impulse to complain to others about our sorry lot. It takes a lot of courage to resist the temptation to take over the alcoholics responsibilities, until we accept the fact that we are only hindering his/her recovery by doing so.
So ya, I got
COURAGE!
And all of a sudden fuck that pity party.
I went to the gratitude thread and really put a good list out there. And I’m deciding to ride this wave of courage on my 39th anniversary and go to my meeting. Happy fucking anniversary to courageous me.
Oh and I found a new daily reading that I think I’m going to like. I wasn’t sure at first. But, keeping an open mind, I am giving it a few days. I think I’ll add it to my morning readings.
If your here and reading this and you’re living with an addict. I think you’re pretty fucking brave.
So far so good! All pre admission testing came back fine and we’re on track for June 13th. Last will be the covid test this week, fingers crossed it comes back negative. He’s so hyped up to finally have the ability to walk and work again. Hoping this will be the start of a better life for us.
Well, I’m happy I’m finally practicing what I preach.
I’ve been to 6 AlAnon meetings so far. Monday and Tuesday nights. And I want more. I’m craving more. Unfortunately or fortunately, I’m going back to Flagstaff and I’ll have to find some new ones. I can’t believe I’m actually craving recovery right now.
I’m starting to feel resentment again.
I’m starting to feel embarrassed again.
I’m starting to feel anger again.
I’m feeling sad. Very sad.
I’m feeling lonely.
I’m feeling helpless.
I don’t know if this is in any book anywhere. But I think this is a good thing. I’m feeling all the feelings. Was it the big D? Denial? I don’t know. I think Somehow I managed to numb my feelings and I wasn’t feeling all these feelings. Except loneliness and sadness. I hate to call them BAD feelings. They’re feelings. I need to learn how to manage them without being snarky and mean and loud. I get LOUD! Especially when I’m snarky.
Anyway. Like I said on my gratitude list today.
I’m grateful changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity.
Again. All these feelings I’m feeling is a good thing.
It’s real good.
I have 16 days sober. I am feeling great and excited to reach my 20 day milestone. It’s been a rough road some days. The hardest day was yesterday. Finding out that my husband has been secretly using drugs behind my back was hurtful. I guess I didn’t notice because I was drunk all the time.
He would often tell me I needed to get sober, or move out. But now finding out that he’s been using this whole time makes me angry. It was like I wasn’t the only one to blame for so many issues.
Now that I am living my sobriety what about him. How do I cope with his addiction again. This isn’t the first time with him. He has been using for years. I thought he had stopped, when did he start again. Ugh anyways thanks for reading
I’m grateful for Al-Anon.
I feel like I should be writing on this thread more. Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with my codependency or my Al-Anonism. It’s been a struggle, to say the least, living with an alcoholic. I pour my heart and soul into my gratitude list and then I feel spent and don’t really want to relive it all over again here.
I’ve been using all the tools I learned in Al-Anon from years ago when my kids were in active addiction. I’ve been Letting Go and Letting God. Or trying to anyway. I’ve been trying to accept my situation.
Keep it simple.
How important is it?
Just for today.
Keeping an open mind.
Live and let live.
You name it I been doing it.
What I haven’t been doing is getting my ass in a seat at a meeting on a regular basis. I went to a few Al-Anon meetings in Scottsdale. It was great! What a relief. Now I’m back in Flagstaff and thought well maybe I can wait til I get back to Scottsdale to go to those meetings I liked so much. Wrong. I need meetings here too.
I don’t know…… I was doing pretty good the last few days. Using all my slogans. Getting by pretty good. I was triggered pretty hard the other morning for some reason. I’ve really put myself into a depression like funk. My qualifier, usually, almost always passes out on the couch before bedtime and I just leave her there when it’s time for me to go to bed. I’ve been doing that for years. No big deal. I’m only responsible for putting myself to bed. And the dogs. Final Whizzy. I’ve given up on a clean kitchen in the morning. I like a clean kitchen in the morning. My qualifier has been a slob lately. But how important is a clean kitchen? If I want it clean I can clean it. Many many times I do. Or at least I leave it clean. Again. How important is that? But when I sat down the other morning and saw the half full wine glass sitting there across from me when I sat down to do my devotionals… I just kind of lost it. I fell into a depression that for some reason I cannot get out of. Usually the dirty wine glass makes it to the kitchen. Not that morning. I don’t know why that hit me so hard. And I haven’t been able to let it go. Maybe putting it here, I can finally let it go. Such a stupid little thing. But I guess it was a big trigger for me.
Anyway, I’m going to Al-Anon meetings here in town. Found my first one last night again. I was so welcome with open arms. The old, just knowing I’m not alone. It helps so much. I went on about my Al-Anon meeting on the gratitude thread if anyone is interested.
Just for today. I’m going to have a program. I may not work it perfectly. But I’m going to have a program.
I’ve also found Todays Hope.
It’s been a great tool to add to my daily readings in the morning.
Living with an alcoholic is very hard guys. And it takes courage. It takes a lot of courage for us to get up every morning and live our lives with an alcoholic. I always said when my life becomes unmanageable I’m going to go to Al-Anon meetings. And it’s helping. Of course now I wish I went sooner. But I’m doing it now. And that’s what matters.
It’s not a stupid little thing. It’s a heart breaking thing. That left over from the night before was a very stark reminder of your wife’s reality right now; during the moment you use to clear your mind. I know that you are constantly reminded but I can understand why in that very moment that wine glass hit you so hard.
I know your questions are rhetorical but I am just going to throw something out there. When I was in active addiction I lived like a pig. I was too drunk to clean up at the end of the night, too hung over too deal with shit in the morning and life was too overwhelming to stay sober during the day. Part of my recovery is keeping my living space livable and I pride myself in that. I also love to wake up to a clean kitchen it makes me feel amazing and it is one of the ways I can grade that my life is manageable. It is very important in my life.
I am sorry you are still feeling low. Wish we were closer we could take a drive and listen to tunes or go for a coffee. Things can’t stay shitty forever…
Feeling a bit better today. It’s good we know things don’t stay shitty forever.
@Its_me_Stella …… or a walk on the beach or just sit on a deck and have a coffee.
I think we all must of lived a little piggish during our active addiction. Except now some of us have cleaned up. And again. How important is a clean kitchen in the morning. If I want it clean that bad I’ll clean it. But seeing that half full wine glass after doing all my chores when I sat down for MY quiet time. Pretty big reminder.
I think I got to get back to the “me” part of “live and let live.” I think I’ve secretly been wanting to punish her. Like I have consciously quit doing nice little things that I always do because I’m like, fuck her
She drinks all the time. But I think that makes me more miserable and she probably doesn’t know I’m doing that anyway. Just little things. But I’m a doer of nice little things for people. But if I consciously have to stop doing those nice little things and that makes me feel bad. Then why the fuck am I doing it.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s my stupid way of trying to control it or her. Like “I’ll show her”
I don’t know what a “ Home Group” actually is. But this meeting yesterday felt like it could be my home group for some reason after just one meeting. I can’t believe the tears of relief I got just seeing those people and knowing there was a meeting.
How cool is that?
Anyway…. Feeling a bit better, presently. Got my deck and the Ol Burner and rain clouds coming in with a nice breez.
I heard a pretty powerful share at the meeting I went to on Monday night. The guy sharing lost years of clean time due to a resentment. He has 60 days again and was talking about the humility it takes him to admit his wrongs, take his clean time and talk about why it happened. He shared that holding onto anger like that really hurts nobody else but us. I know that, you know that but damn… is it ever hard to act out in kind and compassionate ways when we are feeling fucked over. It takes a massive amount if spiritually maturity and emotional maturity to rise above things like that every damn day. They tell us one day at a time and maybe that’s how we do it…maybe we don’t do it every day, maybe we just do it today.
I love your new book, love your book mark and love you.
Struggling. Brother is back drinking after almost dying last year; husband is a chronic alcoholic and can’t quit, we’ve tried almost everything; and my dad is a long time drinker who can’t go one day without it. My brother said he’s only been drinking 2 weeks but he’s getting DTs and is very very sick. My question is can you get DTs so fast after only drinking 2 weeks? He was sober for a year (apparently). Just seems strange to me that he has DTs after only drinking such a short time.
Hi I can’t answer your question but it seems to me it’s really more about helplessness and disappointment. If he’s been drinking for more than two weeks, what does it matter, really? He’s struggling, you are struggling with all the addiction all around you, this must be very hard to deal with. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you. Yes, it doesn’t matter at all how long he’s been drinking again for, I realise that now. He was on valium for a few days but he’s stopped taking it and is back drinking. He found out recently his liver work was better and maybe that has also brought on the relapse. He’s very thin, not eating because he has esophagus problems where he can’t swallow from the cirrhosis. Cant urinate. Throwing up blood. It’s very difficult to watch him like this again. We don’t know what to do.
I spent three nights with a good friend on holiday in Marrakech this week, and I had my parents looking after my kids. On the first evening I got back to our accommodation after a very busy day sightseeing to find my mum had phoned 8 times. I called her right away to find that there was no emergency, just that she had been drinking and unaware of what she was doing. The sinking feeling I had was awful. Normally when my parents are drunk I’m there to ensure the kids know what’s going on but I was on a different continent.
I was able to recognise that there was nothing I could do and also that I was extremely tired and that I just needed a good nights sleep.
Then, the evening I got home my parents bolted out to the pub as soon as they could, leaving me to prepare the evening meal. I was able to talk to my friend about how that makes me feel and I’m grateful for that.
