I’m so happy for you! Even though the end result hasn’t changed that must have been a huge relief to be able to open up. You did it!!
I understand the covering for someone to protect them and others, it’s just not the healthy way to go.
Enjoy your day, be proud of yourself! You can only control you, but to have people in your corner for love and support are priceless!! 
Great Eric. Shine a light on the darkest corners. 
I haven’t had to deal with this I’m not well-versed in it. I come with good intent. Of course I’ve had to deal with people who drank too much even people I was really close to. But not like this in the situation everybody situation is different anyway.
If we think of it as a disease. In my mind I think that the person is sick. If a person is sick then we think that they need help. And we want to take them to get help.
As far as the children the children already knew, they just didn’t know about the restaurant incidents. They did their intervention and also set some boundaries.
I would want to ask her when she’s sober if she’s want to do things in the public that she doesn’t remember. The last time it was at the restaurant incident she was mortified because she did remember it. She should even be more mortified because she doesn’t remember. OK so I used the should word which I shouldn’t.
I know that straightening up has to come from her At this point. She has to be the one who says I want help
She is a new grandmother. She is going to be a second grandmother coming up. I know that she’s a very effective productive person a lot of the time. Is she somebody that her children can rely on? Yes, when she’s not drinking. No, if she is drinking. There’s half of her time that she’s awake that she is not dependable or safe. That’s not so good.
It’s upsetting to me for you, somebody that we like on this site, to have their wife on the floor passed out. Alcohol is a horrible drug. I like your wife and I hate to see her affected by it like this especially after what she went through with her own family, her mother, her brother, and her children, seeing it affect so many others.
Thankfully, with intervention, your children’s generation was “saved” from it. She had a lot to do with that “saving” I think.
Now she needs to try to save herself. This isn’t going to get better the way that it’s going. It’s almost like she’s over doing her drinking because she’s trying to moderate part of the time.
What has she found out? She can’t moderate. What can she do? I’m not a professional. I would say obviously she needs some type of intervention whether it be totally at home or somewhere else.
Maybe she needs medicine of some type. Counseling to deal with whatever the reason is that she feels like she has to be drunk half the time.
I think a lot of times people are afraid to change their behavior because they are afraid that they will fail. They are afraid that they will no longer be themselves when they are having to face the reality of themselves. Editing to add: It could just be drinking has been the forever “fall back” and there is not really any big upset or flaw that she is escaping from. Her half of the day where she’s not drunk she’s a good person doing good things. She’s able to function and Be real in the real world. I would encourage her that this can be “her” the rest of the day also.
All this upsets me a whole lot which is OK and of course I want to reach out and try to help so just listen to me speaking, and if a lot of it is counter to anything that you’ve ever thought about, how you could help her, then that’s fine, I will have said what I wanted to say, and if there’s something in it that makes sense and it’s helpful than that’s good.
And also as far as that goes, you as a half partner in your marriage, should be able to expect if something happens to you in that period of the day where she’s drunk, you ought to be able to expect to get help from her. No, you can’t because she’s drunk.
I would say everybody pin her down with questions and question her is this really how she wants to live her life. Does she want people not to be able to depend on her? Does she want to do things that she doesn’t remember in public if not at home?
Does she want her children not to want to be around her when she’s drinking?
Does she want her grandchildren to remember her the way that she remembers her mother?
If it doesn’t matter to her that these things will happen, then Why does it not matter to her?
Does she not think enough of herself? Is she depressed?
What are the answers to that question?
If she can say that she does not want to be that drunk person on the floor, then say to her that you need help and we are here and we will help you.
Tell her that she will be OK and that she will get through it, that you are going to be by her side, the children are going to be by her side, and she can get through it and she will be a lovely woman who is not drunk.
She is acting like a drunk. I was going to say like a child. She is an endangerment to herself. Although she hasn’t hurt her self. In this case she should be treated “like a child “. With boundaries restrictions and things like that put on her. She doesn’t have to feel like she’s been caged. But can be made to feel like she can’t get by with this without ramifications.
Yes the two of you drank together for many years it was what y’all did. But you no longer drink and things have changed. Just like they changed for your two children with the drug of choice that they had.
Is she drinking out of habit because it’s what she’s done for her adult life? Or is she drinking to escape something in her life. Or is she drinking because she’s just flat scared that that’s her identity and she doesn’t know how to cope with stopping, what kind of life she will have if she doesn’t drink. Hopefully that’s it and you can go forward from there get her help and get her to stop drinking.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Yes, it’s not my problem, yes I don’t know that much about what I’m talking about, as far as reading a lot of literature about how to help alcoholics etc.
Reassure her that there is a happy life for y’all for a long time, and you all want to and need to be doing it sober. You can have your happiest years in front of you.
Just know that you’re cared for and that she’s cared for.
I’m going to hit send and it’s probably going to change it a whole lot and I’ll have to come in and edit it.
Wooah. That’s a lot there Alisa. I’m happy you can get that out here. I know how much you and others care. And I appreciate your thoughts and ideas and all your heart that you put into writing this.
I cannot possibly answer all your questions here though. There may be answers. But I don’t have them now. And you’ve hit the nail on the head in many points you’ve made. Yes she was mortified because she remembered last time. This time anger, because she didn’t know she did any of the shit I said she did.
We’ve made a good team in the past as I’ve mentioned with addiction, mental illness, Alzheimer’s, my sisters MS. We just have to make a good team and fight this battle to save ourselves. We finally had a nice. Well decent receptive talk this afternoon. She thinks that was her rock bottom. I hope she’s right. I understand why she did what she did last night. She had been on a bender. And was going to do the proverbial “I’m starting tomorrow,” to be good or better or whatever moderation you want to call it. So it was a great big FUCK IT!! And it got way out of hand. And dangerous. I have to admit that’s how I became sober. I don’t recommend or tell anyone. But my last day drinking January 1…. I knew it was my last day. And I was like Fuck it!! I’m surprised I lived through it. And I don’t recommend it.
I don’t know what the future holds. But right now ODAAT is what I have to work with. Which even that is a lie because I just want to get this France trip going and done with. And we talked about that too. Hopefully she’s right when she said at least I got that out of my system before we got on the boat. I’m not convinced anything will ever change. And that’s ok today. ACTIONS over TIME. we will see what happens.
Actually it’s been quite the humbling experience for me. I’ve been working on myself so much. Do I continue to do those little things for her I like to do or fuck that. Do I complain silently about doing all the dishes and making sure I have a clean kitchen. Because she never does it. Or fuck it! Of course I don5 do everything all the time. Or do I try to do this or try to do that. Do I try to continue my gratitude. Meetings. Etc…… etc…… etc…. Today walking around in a daze after a nap doing odds and ends and chores. I realized. Bollocks!! Nothing I do or how or why I do it really matters. The addiction is there. It may come roaring back at any given moment. I just have to learn to be the new sober me. I like that guy. No, i love that guy And he’s eventually going to take care of himself. He’s doing a pretty good job of it now.
1 The words of the Teacher,
son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
I read the whole part here. And I take it in a good way. Not a negative way. I love this passage or chapter.
I don’t know. Now you got me rambling. 
Thank you. My dear friend.
And everyone else here that’s has taken the time to read or weigh in. I just hope it can be of help to someone else down the road.
I have hope. Without expectations.
But I think more importantly I have faith somehow we will figure this out. Hopefully together with our family. And pets.
You two are talking about it which is good. Keep the conversation open. Those are good steps forward.
Glad you two are talking about “the trip”.
Ask her what she would like you to do if she is obviously over doing it in public? Until she stops, there is always the possibility it will reoccur.
Whatever you do w the kitchen is fine… do what you feel like … even though it is a big deal, I understand why it is irritating, it is also small stuff. ( I would clean it)
Take care of your own sober self, which you are, and continue to feel grateful for your own ‘hard won’ sobriety. Yes to gratitude, yes to meetings, all this is important to your own sobriety and mental health.
ODAAT it seems like today was a good day forward re your addicted spouse.
I’m just going to come in here from the view point of a child who’s parent enables the other parents alcoholism. My parent is abusive to us under the influence and other parent enables her by asking what we have done to her… We have inevitably literally done nothing but he won’t believe us because if he crosses her then he’s in big alcoholic trouble. He don’t cook, he gets designer clothes from her and is treated like an adult toddler so he likes this co dependence
I’m estranged from them both now as well as my real father…I don’t want his al anon compassion towards her over our welfare. I don’t want him anywhere near me ever again. I can’t forgive him not asking her to see reality.
This is my situation Eric, nothing against you. The situations are really different. But this is how I feel as the abused.
Sending you love
I would be interested to read that. I’m reading perfect daughters…
I can be unforgiving, distrustful, very very self reliant, over achieving, perfectionist, independent, almost unfriendly sometimes. I’ll look around for that book / meetings.
Sometimes I remember stuff and it just makes me furious… Like being allowed /sent off to drink a bottle of liquor on a beach with my little sister before the age of 14/15 so we kept out the way of adult drinking time. I got bad sunstroke / poisoning and was so so sick abroad.
I’ve also been looking at the ACoA website and can really identify with so much of it.
I just went to my first aca meeting last week and got my books in the mail today. Some pretty in depth and emotional stuff. Im looking forward to working through, even though I know its going to be tough.
I went to ACA too a while ago. Had to stop because it was interfering with my psychotherapy. But it was really wonderful and I might do it again in the future.
Sorry to hear about this friend. I think one of the hardest pieces when dealing with a loved one suffering from alcohol addiction is they don’t believe at the time that they are “making a scene” or having a boundary issue. I deal with that a lot with my partner. He doesn’t realize at the time he’s been a smartass/not being funny/etc. I usually just quietly walk away when this happens. Though, in a public space like a restaurant, this would be a lot more difficult to do obviously. I tried having a one on one “intervention” with him once, mainly speaking on how his alcohol abuse is perceived by his kids and how much I want for him to experience life and be the best version of himself. He sat on those words and seemed to take them in, but he just went back to his normal drinking that same night. I guess what I realized is that although it may be what I want FOR HIM, it is clearly not what he wants. So I have to eventually make a decision if dealing with it is in fact, what I want. He told me he took a couple days off recently and that he was going to scale back and get his life together. I have yet to see it myself. He went with me to a funeral yesterday morning and snuck Baileys into his coffee (I can always tell because he drinks his coffee black so anytime it looks like it has creamer in it, it’s when he adds Baileys). If he had not been there, I would have been more involved at the funeral and gone to lunch with everyone afterwards, but he was being so weird about being in a church and not comfortable, so I didn’t want to be there anymore. I am feeling a certain way about it I think. Like I felt like his addiction and being buzzed in a church was what was making him feel uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling like my life is affected or that I’m not doing things that I want to do to accommodate that. I know the falling asleep on the couch after drinking far too well. I am sorry to hear that your wife is still doing that as well. I think the best thing to do is just to be honest and open about how you feel about it and come from a side of wanting better for her than that. And being honest with how you and the kids feel being around it. I won’t say to tell her how it “makes you feel” because nobody can “make you” feel anything. We are in charge of our own feelings and how we react to others. But you definitely have a right to explain to her your “feelings” about it. You can certainly tell her, “I don’t like when you do that because I feel embarrassed,” or, “I feel hurt when I see you this way because I want better for you than that,” etc. I have found that taking that approach puts them “less” (but maybe not completely) on the defense.
Eric, sitting out in the sunroom drinking coffee thinking “how does he do it?” I’m so happy you have Alanon!! Alcoholism is a disease I believe, and as we know a progressive one. And it sounds like that your wife is, sadly…progressing. We are the same age and I know you know, that even without alcohol the ol’ body is changing. And not in the most favorable way. I’m glad YOU don’t drink and I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to start. Wishing better things for you, my friend.
So she remembers each restaurant debacle? Do you discuss the details or is that pointless? In my case, replaying my awful drunken behavior soon after the incident just made me feel shame. Now, I use replaying those incidents as a sobriety tool.
Glad you shared Mindy. Our lives are 
affected by a loved one who drinks. It’s really hard. That’s what this thread is here for. We may not have answers. But we are here and I know I am not alone. My wife’s drinking is a stark reminder of how much I will not go back to that. My sobriety has never been stronger. And my powerlessness over addiction whether it be mine or a loved one has never been clearer.
We share because it helps.
You are very wise in all of your share here. Im sorry if your wisdom comes from first hand experience. It sounds like it does. I started going to Al-Anon meetings again and the tears of relief just started pouring out. It felt so good to be not alone in my problems. As as I’ve mentioned a couple time today around the forum and maybe yesterday I humbly realize, even though I’ve known it for awhile. I am so incredibly humbly powerless over addiction. It doesn’t matter what I do. Thank you for your very thoughtful share.
I don’t know how I do it either @Mbwoman God, Al-Anon, support from you all. 2 children that are recovering addicts. And the willingness to fight for my family. It’s a stark reminder I never want to be drunk and asleep on the couch or falling down in restaurants. I’m happy to be a good example and a source of inspiration.
We don’t discuss details. Well, not more than once. When I can finally get her to talk to me about it the day after. This is the first one she doesn’t remember anything. She said maybe this is her rock bottom. I hope so. She hopes so. Yesterday is the first time in my 926 days she did not have a drink. She hasn’t had a drink today either. I’m not saying a word. We are getting along fine. She’s being nice. And it’s fucking killing me!! The anxiety of wondering if she’s going to pick up later. It’s all pretty scary shit. I have hope finally. Without expectations and I have Faith in us. We’ve been through some shit in our years. I told her that. We make a wonderful team through so many horro shows of life. Let’s do this one for us 
Thanks for your love
I have relief in my heart for you this morning Eric after reading your gratitude in the other thread. 4 days is a wonderful break but I’m sure it also brings its own kind of anxiety. Just know I’m thinking of you and praying to my higher power for you and your wife.
For fawks sake im struggling with his drunkenness. I miss him. Ya know. I remember not to long ago, in his anger he hid my liquor because he said I was drinking to much. Now, yesterday I felt the extreme urge to hide his!
We are great together, but damnit it, I feel like the longer I’m sober the more he drinks in a day. Im sure I’m jumping to a conclusion on that one lol
He was looking full of self pity but claiming nothing was wrong last night. So instead of taking that emotion on I said I’m going to a meeting. When I came home he was in a better mood but even more drunk and high and had that 8 year old prankster mentality and would not stop. Its not a harmful thing he just thinks he’s so damn hilarious. I just wanted him to shut up and pass out already.
I miss him. I miss my husband.
I know I’m not supposed to try and control his drinking but what is so wrong about letting them k on how much it is affecting us? Is that ok?
I dont want to end up loosing him and I wouldn’t present it that way but while talking to you guys thats what it feels like.
I’m just in fear and reading and working on my 4th step isn’t helping.
I also know nothing has to be done today, im just venting because it was a long night.
Sorry if my thoughts seem scattered,my brain is scattered.
Hi everyone… this thread makes me feel less alone. I can relate to everything and don’t even know where to start. I’m just tired. Everytime he quits and starts back up again, it gets worse each time. It may take a week or two of him acting controlled… then BAM… I’m just lost, sad… anticipating in about 10 minutes he’s gonna go ’ run a productive errand’ and come home with a bottle… he thinks he’s been hiding it this week. But he isn’t. He used to never hide anything from me. Each time he quits and starts back up he is coming more deceptive. It is not him at all. Sober Mike is wonderful… I miss him and want him back. The times he is sober is pure magic. Then when he realizes he can’t hide it… i dont know how to act. Accepting, disappointed, not phased? I try to focus on the good things without him and it’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m just tired of the Rollercoaster yall…
I can only speak for myself but I see nothing wrong with confronting our egocentric addict partners with the reality of the emotional outfall of their behaviour. that we bear the burden of. nothing wrong there at all. I’m not married but I know that when you get married you make a promise to each other to love and respect and care for the other. when this promise is being broken, you can/gotta speak up.
You’re not alone. It’s tough. When we know there’s the potential and they’re good people but this addiction is changing them it’s so hard to witness.
It’s sad. I have no advice I just want you to know sounds similar to my situation and it really is hard.
Sending hugs