Glad you are getting some alone time. I cherish it…and as a long married and retired person, alone time is fleeting (sometimes non existent). We share a car as well…and when he asks to join me on my errands or drop me at xyz while he does xyz, I am like, hell to the no, I need some me time. So…I support you with you time!!
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- screams loudly into the universe *
Ok, I can only change myself and try not to harm anyone else in the process.
How my partner chooses to live ( drink ) is not my business.
But damnit, how I choose to do things shouldn’t be his either. Setting boundaries is difficult, keeping them is even harder.
I’m not trying to complain about my husband, he is a wonderful man, and im not trying to unload a thousand petty details. I just wanted to scream to the universe for a second i think.
God save me from being an angry, co dependent drunk today. * long sigh *
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I’m still using “God help me look at this differently!” 
every day 
Sometimes many times hourly.
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Thank you for that reminder. I think I will make a screen saver of that one for my phone. Maybe then I will remember lol
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Yes, I have been impacted by many someone’s drinking, using drugs, or both.
Growing up, my first boyfriend was an addict and it didn’t take long for me to follow suit. Both of my step fathers were abusive active users. My mother is a full blown alcoholic with many signs of escalating damage and no sign of slowing. Her father and brother were also alcoholics.
In June, we lost my baby cousin to a drug overdose. She was 27 years old. Her body was found in her shitty Minneapolis apartment after days of missing work. She was in active addiction for years, but it was fentanyl poisoning that took her.
The list goes on. Fortunately, I am not in active addiction now, but have detoxed off Vicodin in the past. I’m not experiencing physical withdrawals now, but certainly show signs of my own of chemical dependency despite how careful I’ve been.
It’s definitely difficult and loving someone who struggles with this is very taxing on the human heart. Praying for peace for you all.
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The night before I went on my trip to Morocco in June I booked tickets to a show with a good friend. This was when my mum was still sober and I felt safe in the knowledge my parents would mind the kids that night. Well, the event is this coming Saturday and my mum has been drinking again (they both are but it’s my mum who becomes incoherent and unsteady). I have no one else I can ask, and also they have already made their travel plans.
I’m feeling uncomfortable about this and I spoke to my best friend about it last night on the phone. Initially she asked why I didn’t just ask them not to drink when they were staying but she then conceded how difficult that would be especially considering that I now live in the home they lived in for forty plus years.
I feel that I’m just going to have to suck this one up, but next time I see a gig I’d like to go to I’ll probably not bother getting tickets unless I can find a better child care solution. The kids are 10 and 13.
Also, the last time my mum was drunk around me she was enquiring all about my mental health which annoyed me because I hate being seen as the “problem” in the family and also talking about these things to someone who’s drunk is a complete waste of time.
On a positive note, this is day 107 for me. Onwards and upwards!
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Good morning Gratidudes 
I’m not lost.
This was going to be my gratitude list but decided to move it over here as I got more into my thoughts I thought this would be a better place for this.
It may sound silly. And I wasn’t going to start off this way. But, I’m grateful for my struggles every day. I’m grateful for my constant live in reminder that I could be the one passed out on the couch every night. Ok most every night. Some days. Most days it’s a real struggle. But not all day. I’m grateful for Al-Anon and learning more and more about this disease of alcoholism which I thought I knew it all. I’m grateful I pretty much think of my loved ones drinking all the time. Which means I need more work. But I’m also grateful I can cut myself some slack. Her drinking is in my face from 2 in the afternoon until pass out time on the couch most days. I’m only human. How can I possibly not think about it? I’m grateful I can dig up some compassion now. And I’m digging. I’m digging every day. Every hour for that compassion. I’m grateful for the story Spenser told me on the recovery show. He likens his wife as a passenger in the front seat of a car. And her addict is driving. And there really isn’t anything she can do about it. And she’s just holding on for dear life. Once her addict takes control of the wheel there is nothing anyone can do. I’m grateful I find that terrifying. I’m grateful I can think about that at will now and it brings tears to my eyes. Every time. I’m grateful I WAS IN THAT PASSENGER SEAT. I grateful when I have to look at it this way it helps make sense. Ya it hurts like fuck. But how can I judge a disease? Ya I’m struggling. But there is no way in hell I’m going back to that.
I’m grateful for the time my wife and I have in the morning when she is not drinking. And it’s so much better when I get up in the morning, sober, not hungover, and not resentful.
I’m grateful for Al-Anon.
I’m grateful for the recovery show podcast.
Especially the host Spenser.
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I was wondering what happened. Lol I went to read and poof it was gone lol
Thank you for sharing that Eric. Ive been struggling here not only with my addiction and lack of desire to stay sober but my husband has been home all week sick and drunk 24/7. I did talk to him yesterday and just told him I missed him. I made sure he knew it wasn’t said to make him feel bad but I missed having a few hours in the mornings to visit. I said when I was drunk it didn’t matter but of course now im sober and its different. He misses his drinking partner.
Who knows where our marriage will go from here. Hopefully it survives, I cant get lost in that and I won’t try and control his drinking.
I always appreciate your shares. Thank you so much for giving me things to ponder throughout my day concerning my partners drinking.
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I know my wife misses her drinking partner too. She never thought I’d do this. Go sober. 38 years drinking together out of 40 and a half years. It’s hard.
I appreciate your words and your shares so much. It was a huge struggle early on. Especially when she kept making our favorite cocktails every night my first year. Stuck at home with COVID out there 
But it sure is a great reminder I don’t want that life anymore. She is sick. I was sick. I choose to get better. And God Willing I am going to stay better.
I cannot stress how helpful Therecoveryshow.com has been for me lately. And I HATE HATE podcasts. It’s great for my codependency recovery and my addiction recovery. They got so many great topics. I listen to some of them over and over again.
thank you for your support and kind words of encouragement.
I’m glad your here.
Enjoy your day off.
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Her temper is manipulation. GO!!!
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Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 108
I needed this reading this week. Especially since I’ve been there too.
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Oh I had great day with my daughter. I had a bit of a drive to take her to her interview and then a few hours to hang out while we waited for her to go back. Did a beautiful hike in between. Went for a lovely dinner after. I had peppermint tea again. I felt really connected, really delighted, really energized. We got home around 9:30 I think…my husband has had a few. I listened in my head to what @Dazercat posted previously.
I was doing pretty good with that… But it’s 1:30 am now and his drinking is affecting my sleeping. I’m trying to do all I can to rest, to breath, to let go of frustration and anger but it’s not easy. I miss @Mindymoo she always new what I was going through…
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Reminds me of our vacation one night.
She was cutting loose with friends on the boat.
It’s vacation, I can accept that.
I didn’t want to hang out past 10 with people drinking so I went down to bed.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her drinking and will she make it to bed?
I took a long hot shower. Which I never do at night.
I listen to 2. Fucking 2! thirty minute sleep insight timer meditations. And couldn’t fall asleep until she was safe in our cabin. Shit just didn’t work for me that night.
You know I do Al-Anon. And it helps me a lot.
But that recovery show podcast is so so great. Have you checked that out? @Miranda therecoveryshow.com
I really hate hate podcast. And I’m not too crazy about people recommending them to me either 
But it’s been a life saver for me. And Spenser’s voice is so calming. I googled the topics. I was looking for compassion. They had one. It’s nice to be able to have compassion for my loved one with this disease.
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Good morning. I didn’t check out the podcast, but I will soon. I finally feel asleep around 2:30am. Thankfully Lola let me sleep in and I don’t have to work until 9am so it’s not too bad. Just over 5 hours of sleep. Anyway, thanks for responding Eric, and I appreciate the recommendation. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’ll try to check it out later today
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I’m grateful we had a pretty big argument last night and she let me know how she’s feels about me. And how she thinks I think I feel about her. It wasn’t good. She had been drinking. Of course she had. She wasn’t drunk drunk. Don’t know what she’ll remember.
I’m grateful I didn’t take it personally. Well not now anyway. She admitted she has a problem. She’s still trying to moderate because she’s not ready to give it up. Blah blah blah.
The best part is she went to bed and I kissed her goodnight but wasn’t tired and didn’t want to go to bed. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t sad. Do I wish she was 
sober for the conversation? Of course I do.
There are things I can change if I’m willing.
There are things I’d like her to change. But I can only go forward with changing some of the things I’m willing to change for her. For us. For me.
I’m grateful most of my readings this morning were on how hard it is to be working on relationships. And some shit about making excuses for MY. actions. And I was making excuses for MY actions last night. 
Also, she didn’t think it was going to be that easy for me to stop drinking. I wasn’t! I wanted it so bad! She thinks maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic. But again realizes she has a problem. And back to me being perfect and judgmental. 
.
I going to just take this as progress. And a great big win because I feel no resentment this morning or last night.
I guess we’ll see what the day brings.
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Much truth to this, that it’s a disease. I always defended my dad growing up and into adulthood, especially to my mum who was greatly affected by his drinking, and her essentially a non-drinker. I defended the fact that it was a disease. That didn’t fly with her. But I remember when mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and actively dying - I think my perspective changed. Especially since he wanted her home to die (against her wishes) and I was the one to care for her. He could carry on his drinking. I still realize it’s a disease; but his disease, he in fact had some control over. Mum’s disease, she had no control over. She could not control that she was going to die. She was helpless.
I don’t know where I’m going with this; I guess in my eyes we need to realize it’s a disease, but also our loved ones also need to be held accountable and how their actions (or ours if we’re actively drinking!) affect others. It’s a disease, but we have some choice in the matter. We/they/addicts/alcoholics can take action to change the disease. It’s not automatically terminal.
So I just think the don’t condemn “no matter what he says or does” part needs some accountability. When hubby/our partners are drunk and saying mean things, he sure needs some accountability.
Not trying to argue, just giving perspective as posts make me ponder.
I struggle with my hubby drinking in my face all the time; but yet I don’t do anything to change it. I am not good with boundaries. So he continues. Not sure boundaries would even help. But worth a try I’m sure.
I debate posting here but am reluctant due to the public nature of the thread. I do pop in to read here and there, and appreciate the thread!
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I agree. I think there’s a question worth asking here, which is: is “don’t condemn” the same as “don’t hold accountable / have reasonable boundaries / expectations”.
I personally think it’s possible to hold someone accountable without condemning them. Having expectations / reasonable accountability is an action between equals looking to establish terms for an ongoing relationship (even if that relationship, if needed, is to stay apart from one another). Condemning is an action of punishment and imprisonment (as in, “condemned to death”), which is an action of finality and disconnection (and I think, arguably, not an action between equals - but that is something to discuss). That finality and detachment is not the same as accountability and expectations - which are, fundamentally, essential to all our meaningful relationships.
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I don’t think this is true. Or I don’t feel this is true. I don’t have the medical knowledge of this. I do have real life experiences though. And I reckon non of us started out wanting to be an addict.
This in fact is true. 
I do think of this kind of scenario a lot. It is a very difficult discussion. Especially for me to have to prove any facts. I’ve never been a good debater and can’t argue a case with shit. But I do believe it is definitely a disease and the alcoholic has no control over it. I reckon they have control over that first drink though. After that though there is no control. At least there wasn’t for me. And I think most others.
It’s a great topic. Thanks for you share.
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When I say condemning is not an action between equals, I mean that to condemn, as in “condemn to death” or “condemn to prison” is not a power than an individual has. One citizen, on their own, cannot (legally) declare than another citizen or group should be condemned to death or to prison, and then actually put that into practice. The state can do so, because the state is sovereign over the individual citizens. One citizen is not equal to the state.
That gets a little abstract though. The basic idea is just, condemning and having expectations are not the same thing 
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