This couldn’t have came at a better time. So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and I can honestly say that I am his enabler unfortunately when he doesn’t have money for beer or drugs or pills I’ll give him money just so I don’t have to hear him bitch or complain. When I first met him he wasn’t at all the person he is now. He recently lost his job and everything got ten times worst. A few months ago we got into a huge fight and I actually blocked him I deleted him off of everything because I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Because I caught myself drinking more and doing drugs with him. I seen him yesterday and of course he was drunk and needed money and wouldn’t stop yelling at me. Blaming me for normal for everything that’s went wrong in his life. I blocked him again yesterday and hopefully be done this time around because I can’t keep doing this myself.
I’m really proud of you @Jennifer1. You set those boundaries and you’re sticking to them. I know it’s not easy, especially with those we love(d). You, your sons and your recovery are top priority. Stay strong. Sending you a big hug. 
Having a hard time setting up boundaries with my Mom enabling my brother. Our relationship has been 1,000% better since I got clean. We go on trips together and shopping every weekend. We talk everyday several times a day. As of lately almost all of our conversations have him in it. I’ve told her I don’t want to hear about it until he’s ready to get help. But, she still calls me and talks about him and all his problems. I’ve already told him he’s not welcome at my home until he’s clean. I know if I speak my mind to my Mom on how I really feel she’ll just shut it out and shut me out. She’s already in so much denial. I just don’t get it. When it was me and I was actively using she wouldn’t even talk to me. She wouldn’t even let me see my kids when I was actually getting help. She completely blocked me out of her life. I was heartbroken. But with my brother it’s totally different he lives with her and even over the weekend took off with the car and didn’t show back up until late last night with some lame excuse and she said nothing and made excuses for him when I asked if she got the car back. I know I should let go of the past and how she treated me and I thought I did but now all these feeling are resurfacing and I’m hurt. My feelings are hurt again. I just don’t know what to do. I love my Mom and our relationship but this is having some serious affects one me. What do I do?
That sounds like a difficult boundary to enforce. Because I cannot picture a mother not talking about her son. And from what you’ve said I cannot picture your mother not talking about him in his situation. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to cut your mother out either. That’s a tough one Patty.
I don’t know about mothers and their sons. I was the middle child only son. My mother thought I could do no wrong. I know it bothered both my sisters. After all they’d call me “the golden boy.” 
A lot of times I didn’t think it was fair. But it just happened. And it drive me crazy. I can’t imagine how they felt.
She must have some kind of blind denial. Maybe she just cannot bear the thought of her son being an addict. Denial is very strong with parents. Even when the problem is slapping her right in the face.
Sounds like a trying situation. It won’t help one bit to empathise with your mother’s mental state of denial. If you want to enforce this boundary, you have to do it. If she starts talking about his stuff, you don’t wanna hear it. If she won’t shut up about it, you gotta go.
I can see the resentment there he’s getting special treatment you were denied. And he might be chosen over you again if you enforce your boundary. It’s out of your control what she does. You know it’s not right enabling her enabling him. Stay true to yourself. At least you won’t feel as passive and infuriated.
Wishing you a truck load of strength!
@Dazercat and @Faugxh. Thank you both! I do know I need to keep my boundaries it’s just hard because that means I lose my Mom until she decides to listen to us and get on board with helping him. We all know it’s easier said then done.
That is really hard.
It’s was hard when I had to kick my kid out of the house. The only rule we had to enforce after they turned 18 was. You can live here. But you can’t do drugs here. So when one of them was using upstairs we had to tell her to leave. It was so hard. But she was on drugs and wouldn’t stop using in my house and it had to be done. Totally different situation with you. That’s got to be so hard.
In your situation, if it continues and your life with your mother becomes unmanageable you’ll know what you have to do. Even if it’s just on a case by case basis. I’m sure of it. You’re a very smart woman and your sobriety has taught you so much.
Please protect your sobriety during this bullshit. As I’m sure you will.
So sorry you got this going on.
This thread has kind of been hanging over my head. I am not sure exactly what I want to say here.
I don’t remember a time when I didn’t drink. As soon as I was toddling, it was “cute” to let me have a sip of my Dad’s drink (7 and 7) or his beer. I got really drunk the first time at 12. I crashed the car when I was 14 (left alone for a week, as usual while the parents were at the mountain cabin.) My Dad asked if I had a problem after that. I said no. I swear I remember the look of relief in his eyes because he had offered to remove all the alcohol from the house if I did.
I will go into detail about my story sometime.
My Dad loved me to drink. At least that’s my perception. I drank underage with them all the time. I got drunk at LAPD cop parties and river trips. They’d let me drive the boat drunk. No one stopped me. They were all absorbed in their own drinking. I think it was easier for him to let me drink rather than face his own issues around alcohol.
Into my adult years, I was his drinking buddy. Now, he is 74. He drinks the big Jim Beam every 2ish days. He needs a hip replacement, so he’s on pain killers and he drinks. I am terrified to see him. It’s been a few years. We used to spend a drunken two months together every year - one month in Mexico, one in California. They sold the Cali house, though and moved to Montana, where in the winter, all he has to do is drink.
I have so much shit that I haven’t faced from my upbringing. I was safe, clothed, fed but definitely left to fend or myself. I don’t think that’s the alcohol part - just the selfish part. I dunno.
I look at me and then I look at my kids, at every stage/age. I can’t imagine them drunk. I hope they continue to hate and negate alcohol. I have been as clear as I am able about their possible genetic predisposition and they’ve seen me struggle. Their father is just like mine. I only recently found out he gave them alcohol when they were little. If they were still involved with him, I’d lose my shit, but why now? What would it help?
I can’t imagine having to do that to one of my children. I’m sorry Eric.
You’re exactly right too, I need to protect my sobriety first and foremost. That’s exactly why I’m here and you making this thread came at the right time. I needed a place to let this out more then anyone knows. It is very heartbreaking but my peace and my children’s mean more to me then anything. I’ve already put them through so much. I would hate for it to be ruined because my brothers using and I couldn’t handle it.
Jené your not alone with childhood trauma from substance abuse. My parents were pretty bad alcoholics too. I never realized that was part of my trauma too because both of my parents are now sober and have been since I was 10. But there are some pretty bad things that happened the first 10 years of my life that I didn’t realize until recently still effect me. Take baby steps is my advice. It’s can be pretty rough resurfacing all the stuff from childhood. We’re here for you.
Thank you for sharing @EarnIt Jené. I see you and hear you. A harrowing story. I hope you can explore the feelings and no doubt sadnesses from your past more in a safe environment. It’ll help your sobriety to go there and withstand ans eventually overcome the past. Are you in therapy?
Wish you all the very best!
This was read in my The Luckiest Club meeting this morning. Beautiful way to end each day. Consider it. It comes from Al-Anon
Just for tonight, I will be grateful. I will give thanks for the past day - its failures as well as its successes, its sadness as well as its joy and its pain as well as its pleasure. I will take comfort in knowing that every event and circumstance that occurred today can be used for my good and the good of others.
Just for tonight, I will accept that I have done the best I could, remembering that my goal is spiritual progress and not perfection. I will let go of any expectation I had for this day, as well as any disappointment, shame or guilt I felt for not being perfect today.
Just for tonight, I will be humble. I will give my shortcomings to a Power greater than myself, trusting that doing so can bring about changes in me that I could not bring about by myself.
Just for tonight, I will not attempt to rectify today’s mistake or solve tomorrow’s problems. I will remind myself that I am better able to receive guidance when my mind and body are rested and refreshed.
Just for tonight, I will set aside my fears, frustrations and aspirations and take a few minutes to review the abundance that exists in my life today. I will place my future in the care of a loving God of my own understanding, trusting my needs will be met at the time in a way that is best for all concerned.
Just for tonight, I will release my loved ones to my Higher Power’s care. I will free myself from trying to do the impossible - changing the actions, attitudes or life of anyone other than myself.
Just for tonight, I will set aside anger, judgement, resentment, envy and hurt feelings. I will ask my Higher Power to bless those whose actions I feel troubled by, and to change my attitude to one of love, acceptance and compassion.
Just for tonight, I will find a safe, comfortable place to lie down and close my eyes. I will remind myself I am both deserving and in need of rest. I will look forward to awakening to the new day, feeling rested and ready to follow my Higher Power’s guidance.
I am working on it. We have quite a shortage here, as does much of the U.S. So far, I am not willing to do virtual. I have too much time on this screen, with school and meetings, and life. I am meeting with the VA to see what they have available.
This is all so wonderful.
Especially this.
These 2 actually.
Actually I was thinking of quoting the whole thing. But that would have been kinda dumb.
I’m glad your here.
I’m praying for Gods guidance to let me open up on here soon. Not about my past. But about my present.
Thanks for your share last night about you father. I wanted to write you back. Actually I started to twice. But I got distracted.
It’s given me a lot to think about.
It must be so difficult to watch your dad now even if it is from afar. I admire your strength and commitment to your kids and your sobriety.
Thanks for being you.
Thank you for sharing this. I copied it for myself, hope that’s ok. I really needed to read this today, and I’m going to read it everyday.
I was just debating tagging this for you on my last post. And I thought let go let God. Just a little nudge. It’s good stuff. Thanks Jéne
Yes, always do! I feel like Jené posted this just for me. Ok, that’s a bit selfish. 
But I’ve already read it over out loud four times! 
No no no. I thought Jéne posted it specifically for me. 
And that’s why I say God gives us exactly what we need.
Thanks @EarnIt
Now, now, children. Let’s share, please. Mommy loves you.
So, some of you already know my grown up children made a surprise visit Wednesday flying in from Dallas and LA to express their concerns for my wife’s drinking. I had no idea this was happening. My wife considered it an intervention. There was so much love and tears and more love. Feelings were scripted and read by both of them. My son told her he’s already looking at rehabs and thinks that’s the best route. My daughter is drawing a boundary that she feels necessary because she’s too uncomfortable visiting us when my wife passes out on the couch the 3 nights my daughter was here. I thought it was a good time for me to chime in a little and express my feelings of loneliness and how I cannot remember the last time we hugged. I couldn’t go any further than that. I am too uncomfortable talking about that. I just can’t. But let’s just say we haven’t…………. been intimate in like forever. Fuuuuuuck………I said it. Or I wrote it the best I can. It’s a start. I’m so fucking lonely sometimes!! 
I didn’t express it that way. But she did recognize I said I feel lonely. And of course I cried a lot. And so did my son.
I cannot believe my kids did this. And they did it so professionally. They are the smartest loving children in the world. I raised 2 beautiful recovering addicts. It wasn’t always easy and I know I didn’t fail as a father even if my children ended up addicted and had to do rehab a few times. They turned out beautiful. I did good. We did good.
Anyway…… it’s been an emotional draining couple of weeks, Wednesday, 
. God that was brutal.
During dinner that night as some of the conversation continued but not as intense. I was proud to speak up and say to my wife and kids, “so what’s the plan?” Of course we all looked at my wife, and she said she will try and cut down on her drinking. So that’s the plan. I told the kids and her I’m not responsible for keeping track of her drinking. My daughter quickly said, “we are not going to be asking YOU!”
My kids also gave me a little shit about my roll in all of this. I realize I’ve played a part in this. Way to long to get into that now. This is already too long.
With that said. Or written. I guess I will just stop here now. I know I have a tendency to go on.
If you’re affected by a loved one who is an addict of any kind. Please join in here for support if your willing.
I know I had my part in the 38 years out of 40 years we been together of our drinking, and drugging before children, and partying and day drinking in our early retirement. But I also know this:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it