Dear @KaitSmith
Vent away, share, it helps to get feelings and thoughts off your chest!
Your situation sounds very exhausting. Please put yourself and your sobriety first. It may sound hard but you have to look good after yourself before you can help others, especially as you have to be there for your son too.
It’s very kind and loving to be there for your husband. It’s his effort to become sober. For the tiptoeing around: Many people get sleeping aid prescribed for the first weeks of sobriety. If this is an option, talk to your doctor openly about the problem.
You sound so strong here and I can still hear your honesty and your pain. Congratulations on your new start. No more drunkenness or mean comments, you get to choose how you feel without a dark cloud hanging over you. I’m sending you a hug for the pain and a high five for your brave new start.
The more time passes the less I miss him or our good times together. The wonderful nature of humans: We get accustomed to situations. The first months were hard, 12 years living together created lots of daily habits I missed terribly, I also missed the structure I was used to.
Now I often feel peace of mind and I’m grateful to live alone. I built new structures, still building, healthy boundaries, being kind to myself.
Out of sight - out of mind works for me. So I’m a bit scared facing the fact that we MUST come to a solution concerning our farm. It means we have to deal with each other again. Well, time will tell what will evolve
I loved reading this so damn much. All the best to you and a big ass congrats on breaking free from what caused you unhappiness.
I’ve been meaning to write a similar post and will still do so, I broke up from my partner in October and I think I owe it to other readers, especially newcomers, of this thread to update my storyline here. I’m doing well, tho it was hard and still is kinda hard.
Again, thanks for your powerful share @erntedank and have a great day, woman! And everyone else, too!
More gratitude over here.
I’m grateful I already told my wife I was worried about her. She gave me that, “oh no here we go again.”
I do feel worried about her health when she falls down trying to get in bed. PERIOD! Not sure if she remembered.
I told her I didn’t understand why the wine was hitting her so hard the past few days and thought maybe the new diet might have something to do with it. PERIOD.
I got in.
Got out!
And be gone.
She’s said nothing. But I got to tell her how I feel. And now it is up to me to. “Let Go.” God, help me let go of things sooner than I usually do
I had a call with my husband. It’s a start. Of course he is the poor one who is feeling miserable because of his DUI (nope, still not got his license back) and me being so bad to and for him that he needs rest, quiet and peace, making sure I’m NOT around
Nope, he is still not in therapy but thinks about it
He was very annoyed when I told him frankly, he should go, it helps me a lot to process all the damage his alcoholism caused and to let go of his treating me really bad over a long period of time. He refuses to take his part of responsibility and is stuck in his pity party viktimhood.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he has a hard time and has to deal with a lot of issues. But still blaming me for all and everything will lead him nowhere. I don’t take this shit anymore and call facts and feelings by their name. He does not like it.
And I don’t like his illogical and vague statements on how we could proceed.
I try to let go. But today I really would like to drive over, slouch on the couch and tell him to behave like an adult aka to fuck off or have a seat and talk properly. Instead I slouch on my own couch with the old boy enjoying a beach video. I think I’ve become too lazy to be upset too much …
Thank you buttercup
But I totally failed at letting it go. I never brought it up again. I didn’t nag her about it. Verbally I let it go. But mentally I was a mess all day. Alanon relapse. Good thing I had a headache to hide behind when she asked me “so now you’re depressed?” We still talked during the day but I’m not sure if it was the headache or the addiction that was getting me down.
It’s so hard when you love someone so much for so long. And I’m trying really hard to love her and hate the addiction. But it’s fucking difficult. And now I woke with another fucking headache this morning
Well, I got a meeting I can go to tonight. I hope it don’t snow. I really need one. It’s a nice small meeting. I like that. Let’s see what the day brings.
Thanks for stopping by. It help sharing with you first thing this morning. I hope you’re well. I reckon there’s a lot of darkness for you this time of year. So happy for you and your fiancé. I hope that brings you lots of light.
That’s hard. I think about: Maybe the headache and the mess of feelings, the hurt her behaviour causes, the helplessness to face that nothing changes, that you are worried, maybe these things go together?
Hope your day evolves ok and the meeting helps. Sending you hug and strength
I wonder because I know I get terrible headache when things are stressing me and I can’t see a silver lining of potential change. This also depends on my daily constitution but the pattern has escorted me all my adult life. And even before. It’s a physical outlet of my inner stress.
I actually never thought of that. I’m always thinking was it the chocolate I ate last night? Not enough water? I didn’t eat properly? I have no problem thinking it’s stress when I have back pain. Which thankfully I don’t have.
Ya definitely stress
I got to learn to “Let Go!!” It’s so import to be able to let go. I struggle with that. I just can’t seem to let go inside my stupid brain. I’m so fucking sensitive. I did just find a meditation on insight timer. I’ve been meaning to ask if you use insight timer? I’m going to go over to the meditation thread and post it.
I do enjoy thinking about you and your cats watching the beach on your television. Do you dress the part in a swimsuit and sandals? Throw a little cat litter around the house for sand. . Great idea
I’m so proud of your strength to break away from your addict. It must have so fucking hard on you. Sometimes I must admit I’m envious. Imagining not having an addictive loved one to have to deal with. But 42 years years of being together, it just isn’t an option. I’m going to fight this fucker with AlAnon to the end if I have too. And I’m going to win. I’m just very proud of you. I’m so glad to have you here for support. Even though we are doing it so differently. But our struggles are the same.
Thanks, I saw the meditation. Will check it out on the weekend.
I just laughed out loud: YES, I’m quite properly dressed for the beach. Hormons giving me hot flushes and sweating these days so I wear little light summer dresses at home allthough the house is only heated up to 19,5 degrees celsius! The sand feeling is the cats’ business, yes, they litter enough and I’m lazy on vacuuming this week
This 6 months of forced break up really was good for me. Sooner or later he will have to deal with my coming back to the farm as I’m not willing to give up the job and existence we built together and I built as my job and income. He has his business and to be honest I don’t give a fuck about his business, I’ve been tired of this whole business ranting for a couple of years now, I was tired of doing his accounting, being his driver etc… In short: I was tired of him not doing his own shit and whining about WTF … We all have to do our jobs.
I’m pretty sure there will be another uncomfortable escalation when he realizes that things are not going how snowhite imagines paradise on our farm.
Sometimes I think he babbles what comes to his mind when he must talk to me, without thinking about it in the big picture before. That’s annoying but I have to deal with it. He will not change nor will he come to some insights about his own resposibility how and why things escalated. As he is still in denial of being an alcoholic I don’t have any hope that anything changes. I move on. I have to. It’s my life and I put a lot of work in overcoming all the bullshit I took and to see my codependent part and responsibility in the situation which is a fair share, especially covering my feelings with anger. The anger left me weeks ago, but I still struggle with resentments and work on it. I move into a hopefully healthy direction. It’s his choice where he moves. If he moves.
When I’m gone too far away emotionally, this part of my life will only be a fading memory. That’s life. Time will tell
You you let go verbally. That’s a win.
You struggled internally. It happens. It’s hard, it feels like a failure but YOU are not a failure. Neither is Wifey. You did the best you could at the time.
I can’t even fathom the depths of this statement. It makes me think of Christ and us, with our sinful nature. I know He can handle it but I bet that love hurts.
It’s my fucking feelings!!
That’s what I’m trying to control.
Anyway…….Woke up with a great ear worm this morning. One of my higher powers, music, working magic on me. “That’s Just Who You Are” by Aimee Mann.
Thanks @Soberbilly
Brought me to tears. It was beautiful.
Love a good cleansing cry first thing in the morning.
Anyway……
If I’m experiencing what I feel is a traumatic experience. It might just take me a day or 2 to get over it. And I think I got to learn it’s ok to feel sad, and even despise the addict. And I might not be happy for a couple of days. And that’s going to have to be ok.
If my addict literally falls down drunk trying to get to bed. I might just have to feel grief for a couple a days. I didn’t like it. But I can honestly say I didn’t feel resentment towards my wife. No, I wasn’t happy to be around her the next day. And yes I was a sad sack. And yes I was depressed. I blamed the depression on a headache, I did have. When I was asked if I was depressed, I should have just said yes I’m depressed. Ya I’ll step in that “should.”
So I’m better today knowing That’s Just Who I Am. A very sensitive fuck. And Next time, I’m not going to fight or try and control or “Let Go,” of those sad, gloomy, heartbroken, hangdog, joyless fucking feelings.
All my life until now I have been afraid to feel my feelings. All of my life until now I have tried to control my feelings because letting go of them was just a non option, I was too afraid of the what the outcome might be. All my life until now I have not understood what feelings were for. Why do we have them? Why does it hurt? Why do I feel fear? And why do all of them affect my heart. I can literally feel my heart break when I am sad, I feel pain in my heart. My heart beat races when I am afraid, it gets me ready for fight or flight. When I am hapy I feel like my heart could burst with joy, my chest feels FULL. I found an answer is so simple and yet I had been living in fear for so long that I just couldnt see it. My feelings have been gifted to me so that my soul can navigate this human experience. The more I try to control them the more out of control they become and the more I suffer emotionally. When I am able to be grateful for the feelings I am having, and sit quietly with them, hold space for them. When I am able to listen to myself and remind the part of me that is hurting that I love her; my feelings are less intense and they can come and go more fluidly. They arent sticky today. Even those really hard trauma response feelings I was going through. I would literally hold my hands open infront of my chest, close my eyes and breathe into the feeling. I located where in my body it was showing up, gave it a color and then held it with compassion breathing good energy into it until it subsided. Letting go of things that hold deep emotional value (good or bad) is the hardest thing for us to do but its possible. The most important thing I have learned is to be compassionate towards myself in the process.
Hello dear Eric, I’m a bit late to reply but I still care: I think it’s great you’re making that transition to allowing yourself to feel what you feel!
This is the most important thing I’ve read on here in a while, could go right on Dan’s new #1 recovery tip thread!
It has seemed to me that you have been trying to really censor what is allowed to be there in terms of feeling when it comes to your wife’s drinking and what is not. I wonder if you might wanna explore the reasons for that? I know you’re in al-anon and it’s supposed to make codependency unstick. But maybe there are other more personal motives there too. What happens/does it mean when you get so sad, gloomy, heartbroken, what is your fantasy about that?
Like for example I know that I strictly censor my feelings of selfishness, entitlement and envy. These guys are just not allowed to exist. I must not covet what anyone else has or it “means” I am evil and want to kill that person, and I must not consider myself better than anyone else, in my fantasy that’s also equal to overpowering and killing them. These are old, childish fantasies of forbidden feelings. My parents taught me the values behind them, they didn’t teach me they would mean murder, I think child-me added that to make sure I’d stay in line and not become guilty of feeling entitled or better.
But stifling some feelings leads to them growing very big and unchecked in secret, in my experience. Like, I have a pretty fragile ego, swaying between self-annihilation and grandeur. The more I find a healthy medium of selfishness and let envy be there to come and go when it must, the more stable and less forced I feel inside me in general.
That was a long text, just to illustrate what I mean about the fantasy of the forbidden feelings.
I think you’re on the right path. And you know you’re not walking it alone my friend.
So a little background…my husband quit drinking about 5 months ago “to support me”. He has a problem. He was drinking all day before he stopped but it annoys me he says he quit to support me. The other day we were talking and he said if we werent together he would probably still drink. I feel like he isnt accepting his drinking as a problem and is copping out by saying he quit to support me. It bugs me. But he still claims hes in recovery…even though hes not doing any of the hard work and only abstaining
I think that was pretty cool of him to quit drinking to support your sobriety. Truthfully I was quite envious. But mostly I was happy for you guys. You probably know enough of my story. But, at my beginning, my wife said she’d support me not drinking but she’s gonna drink!! She didn’t think I had a problem. I drank for 45 years. The last ten or so years I can’t remember taking days off from drinking but she didn’t think I was that bad. I don’t want to get into the quantities of my past.
I been learning I can only take care of what’s in my hula hoop. And taking other peoples inventories get me into emotional distress. And I struggle constantly to NOT take my wife’s inventory. But as long as I catch myself and let it go I reckon that’s progress.
Maybe he doesn’t want to or just isn’t ready yet to do more than just abstain. As you know we all have our own paths to recovery.
Trying to find this reading for ya. It helped me. I can’t find the whole thing.
With all that said. I can totally understand why your feelings would be hurt when he said he’d probably still be drinking if y’all weren’t together. But I guess that also shows you he doesn’t think he has a problem.
God, help me let go of things sooner than I usually do 
on your television. Do you dress the part in a swimsuit and sandals? Throw a little cat litter around the house for sand. 
this is solid gold
