My god, I’m sorry. This is the tragedy of alcohol and alcoholism.
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What a gift you have given to yourself, that is self care at its finest.
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Really struggling tonight. 
That’s all. My doc is currently about 3 feet from me unattended. Because my partner is not being considerate and I’m having a hard time
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You have quit for you and for the children, also for him. You have to stay drug free for you, and the children. That is your WHY, why you quit. He has put you in an awful position. Please stay sober. You cannot control him. You can control what you are doing. Try to go to sleep. Your birthday is coming up/ Listen to some of the meditations on the meditation thread. I am sorry this is happening. You are strong, you want to stay sober. Big hugs
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That’s hard. I feel with you. I removed all alcohol from my house, told my husband he should not bring any in again, forbid him to show up when drunken only to find out: in the new house he stored crates of beer in the cooling chambers for fruits and vegetables. To be drunken nearly every day.
I have no real advise, I can only share what helped me: Get rid of the stuff, lock it up, absent yourself from people and situations that are not supporting you. Take a walk, go to bed, write, listen to music, dance, scream, whatever helps you.
ODAAT
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It’s really hard when a spouse or loved one isn’t being supportive of our decision to be sober. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. I know how frustrating and hurtful that can be.
When I realized that no one else was responsible for my sobriety, it really helped me make better decisions on my journey. Instead of feeling like a victim where I felt unable to stay sober because of XYZ…I saw all my reasons as excuses. I changed the things that were in my power to change and I accepted what I couldn’t. I know it’s easier said than done, and I’m still learning this lesson in other areas of life… But it’s possible to take your power back, I hope you find it.
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My dad tried drinking himself to death while my brother was dying from cancer and told him “I have to drink because you’re sick” I saw how much it hurt my brother and knew he was worried about my drinking so I decided to quit. That was two months before he died and I haven’t touched a drink since. Since my brothers death, my dad has gotten “sober-ish” which I’m thankful for but mostly thankful for him scaring me into realizing I needed to STOP. I didn’t want to grow up to be that guy.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing this.
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What a selfish thing to do by your dad. Grief and alcohol don’t mix.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, losing your brother. Glad to hear you have become sober through it all. 
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Thank you. You never know when someone goes through the same thing if you don’t share.
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Thank you. Some people are just selfish but I figured if I can make it through that newly sober, I can make it through anything.
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Well, I had the opportunity to write a difficult letter today. It’s been well over a month since his relapse and while he is making progress towards getting back into treatment he made a comment to me the last time I saw him about “just about feeling ready to go back in”. That really stood out to me and I need to step away, distance myself, PROTECT myself and so I sent him words that said exactly that. That I hope he chooses life, himself, recovery. But I can’t keep up the facade of walking with him because my heart is telling me look, move, and go forward.
I’m hoping this helps me progress, and I hope it helps him as well. The truth and transparency will always be the best route.
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Hey Darcy.
From what I knew of you on the gratitude thread….right now I think you are 
correct. You need to PROTECT yourself. Whatever that takes. It’s completely ok for you to be selfish to YOUR recovery. That’s the only recovery you can control.
I’m going back to working on detachment. Detachment with love. I got that picked out for my Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Have you ever read Courage To Change? It’s a great daily short reader Al-Anon approved. I find it very helpful. I’m not reading this year. But can’t wait to read it again for 2023.
Keep up the great work.
I’m so glad your here.
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TW: rant
I had awful nightmares today about me, my husband and how/what he is doing at our farm.
Not uncommon, but the intensity of the nightmares made me think about the facts again.
He refuses to talk to me, I have no information what’s going on or what he is doing there. Or not doing, as HIS projects are the ones not finished. This completely ignoring my desires for information makes me … desperate? frustrated? annoyed? angry? full of resentment? I don’t even know how to describe the cocktail of feelings 
It’s now half a year since we are separated. I’m not sure, but I think my feelings towards him are changing. Thank you @dazercat for your yesterday’s al-anon reading to not call your drinking loved one an alcoholic because it leads to detaching with resentments, not love. I tried it and for me it makes a difference mentally.
I’m kind of stuck in my life, unable and unwilling to make decissions that will lead my future in a certain way. I’m not ready nor willing to relieve him of his duties - I need information to decide about certain issues and it’s up to him to provide it. I was too long the one who worked on our relationship alone. But: It’s also up to me to initiate action when I want to clarify things, set up (for me) healthy ways of coping with the situation and develop sound boundaries even if this boundaries are necessary to protect me from my co-dependent behaviour as a start. I want to protect myself from the impulses of begging for love, becoming frustrated, feeling abandoned and becomming angry with me and my husband over this vicious circle.
He is like he is. I don’t even know what his life looks now, what he feels, what’s concerning him. I don’t even know if he got his driver licence back. And I don’t know shit about the farm. I should have informed the municipal office in August and order a final inspection of the new built house so it gets approval to live in there. I’m still waiting for work to be finished my husband is in charge to organize and do
I know he needs rest and quiet according to the little we talk. I know he works a lot. I hope on the farm to finish his projects. And the house.
He should be sober for a few months now to gain back his driver license. Apparently this is stressing him to an extent where he is not capable of developing some healthy talking culture with me. I have to let his battles be his battles and focus on myself. This fucking sucks. I want to move on. Therefore I will ask my lawyer to claim a mediation. I already suggested it to my husband, it’s fine for him but HE will not arrange anything, he is too busy and has no time to spare. What the fuck? So it’s again ME to take care of the important things in life? Like always. I’m working with my therapist hard on letting go of these kind of resentments and develop an attitude to see the situation without interpreting it. That’s hard work and changes perspectives. I think I will benefit from a mediation. My husband already agreed to participate. So what’s the frustration in just organizing it? ME. The frustration is my memory and my resentments that come from our past. I know shit about his present life, he knows little more about mine. So why bother with old stuff. I want something to happen? It’s my responsibility to start 
Wow, I needed to get this off my chest. I’m so grateful I can put it down here, I feel a lot better now and the anxiety and anger from the nightmare are gone.
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I’m glad you shared E.
Thanks for this reminder.
I already need it this morning. I’m trying real hard not to do that right now.
I’m thinking an apology would be nice from my wife but I reckon diseases don’t apologize. So I get to think it’s a disease 
. But then if I call her an alcoholic in my mind I resent and detach without love. This shit sucks! And here we are doing all the work again. . But I already feel better sharing with you. Thank you for that.
Let’s figure out “How important is it?”
And “First things first.”
And by all means let’s let go of what we cannot fucking control.
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Good morning @erntedank
I think this reading should have started out:
Dear DazerCat and Erntedank
Just a little bit of frustration when we ask those questions!
The best part about this reading is I think we are both getting better at this. I might only be doing this once or twice maybe 3 times a day now.
Side note.
No, I do not have a Ballroom 
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Its been 5 months since my husbands last attempt to stop drinking. 5 months of instability. 5 months of biting my tongue. 5 months of not shaming him. 5 months of patience. This is his choice. Its on his timing… i will be here. 800+ days sober… i support him no matter what. It sucks. Its hard… but it will be worth it. That feeling of day 1… the hope… the positivity… the light. Ill do it 1000 more times with him if i have to. I believe in him. I refuse to have expectations at this point to avoid the disappointment I’ve felt so many times. This is a Rollercoaster… but im here for it. 110% all in. I may be tired… but i will always support him. Sorry if this is rambling and making no sense… just needed to express where I am in this unpredictable journey.
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P.s. i didnt mention. Yesterday was day one for him and it was glorious! Its always so… different… Usually i can walk around freely after him and my son go to sleep. It is my ME time… lastnight he was struggling to fall asleep and i got up a few times and had to tip toe around. I didnt want to disturb him… i will gladly get used to the new normal and look forward to his sleep (amongst so many other things) improving in a few weeks.
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I love this new tread Brag on your accomplishments
Anyhow, I want to post the accomplishment I want to brag most about in 2022 here.
I put an end to bearing my husband’s drinking, letting me down, lovelessness, being mean to me, only doing what he wants …
It took time and will take some more, but I went from being angry, disappointed, furious, exhausted, desperate, lonely and dozens of other feelings to nearly being me again and healing.
I read many books, go to therapy, work on myself and practice to pause and let go.
I’m no longer his gofer, he has to deal with everything on his own as he is living alone for the first time in his life. It’s a daily surprise how nice and neat my house is without his stressing me, I suddenly have enough time to do all the things that are important for ME.
No more putting my desires behind and dealing with daily chores and office and farm organization and his issues for both of us, trying to work on the relationship for two and being called fat and lazy.
He changed a lot in the last years to only work physically and outside and this became the only kind of work he refers to as “work”. He literally boozed the brain out of his head. I’m so sad because he had a good humor and he had brains, man there were nightlong discussions about everything, from philosophy to economics. I miss them.
I went down a stony, lonely road. I had lovely, helpful company: friends, therapists, institutions, lawyers, my late mum.
I’m still not clear about my future or my expectations, what I want to do …
I’m still waiting for my husband to talk about his ideas how we, he, I or whoever however carry on with our farm. My options also depend on him and finding a way together to separate this mutual property.
This lack of communication, this lack of willingness to communicate and find solutions is abuse and demonstration of power over me. I call it by it’s name. After more than half a year of separation he had enough time to think. I feel that I want to move on.
I will move on. Babysteps brought me where I’m today. In sum, it is a long way. I keep on making babysteps. One day they will bring me into the good and peaceful life I want to live.
I really enjoy the spirit of Christmas. This time of the year makes forgiving and letting go a lot easier for me.
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What a great reading, thank you 
THIS I needed to read today as I caught myself trying some new kind of nagging to provoke communication from my husband 
Energy level is apparently high enough to be creative in a partly elfish partly sardonic way. Or my nightmares rub off on my thoughts 
Yes, I think we are getting better. It’s hard work. I get more used to it the more I practice. I pray all this effort will pay off some day
Sending hugs to you and your family 
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