Thank you for the response @Dazercat you are so right about taking someone elses inventory. Im just gonna be greatful he quit and stop there. Ill be careful not to overthink it…i think
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I can feel your frustration.
I would like to share some good advice I found.
If you can’t shower, wash your face. 1 % is better than 0 %.
I’m a bit envious too, I would have loved it if my husband stopped drinking to support me. Abstain is better than drink. Deeper recovery work may follow later. Abstaining is a good start.
Your recovery comes first. He has to find his own way. You can lead by example if you want. But you can not force your point of view of recovery on him. This will cause resentment because your implicit expectations “how recovery works” for him will not be met, like an ideal will never be met.
I’m happy you both are sober and you’re working on your recovery. Sending you good vibes 
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I just love starting my day off in tears from my readings. Well not really. But this one hit home and hit hard for me. Thought I’d share it here.
That first paragraph really had me balling.
Of course I replace daughter with wife.
And replace 1 year with 6 months in Al-Anon.
I am seeing progress in myself.
I’m still waiting for that spiritual awakening. It will come. 
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Does it never end? I have a court appointment in one week, my husband field for divorce. He has no clue what he wants or how we proceed with our farm but this 
To be honest it hits me hard emotionally. A part of me always hoped for a happy end. I sat all afternoon and cried. Not only because I still love and miss him. Also because of all the mean things in this letter. I don’t deserve to be treaten like this. It breakes my heart.
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Dang it 
Erntedank. I’m so sorry to read this. It sounds, like usual, that you have to do everything for this guy. I mean he can’t even decide what he wants. WTF 
I don’t think you have to decide what he wants. You just decide what you want. This must be very gut wrenching what your going through. He’s definitely giving you reminders that you are 
making the right decision no matter how hard this is on you. One day. You probably can’t see it now. But one day it, will have an end. It’s going to keep hurting for awhile. You will get through this. And you’re going to come out so much stronger and even better than you are. And you already are amazing.
Keep letting it out. Keep sharing where you can.
Big hug 
for you my friend.
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Thank you @Dazercat 
I’m such a codependent idiot, I cry and want him to close me in his arms, telling me everything is fine and we will have a good time for the rest of our life. Can my fucking fairy tale brain stop producing such a shitshow of thoughts and feelings?
He never was this type of man and fact is: He left me long ago emotionally. I want to let go of the good memories too, they hurt so much.
I don’t know what I want. I know I need a lot of talking about many things with him to find a solid basis for my decisions. You don’t run a company on gut feeling but on solid information, facts and figures. Anything else is economic suicide. I will not commit economic suicide because he is a lame duck when it comes to communication.
I feel tired and exhausted, abandoned and mistreaten. And needy. I need hugs, love, cuddling and the feeling of being safe and cared.This is exactly why I always was very shy to trust in my partners. Because when I feel save and cared and trust, it breakes my whole world when I loose it. This wounds never healed.
Well, I go to bed now. There’s no sense in brooding over things I can’t change. Thanks for being there for me 
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Remember this is also a very traumatic thing you are going through. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over any of this. Not that I see you doing that or anything. But sometimes knowing that this is a traumatic experience you’re going through can help with your healing. You have done nothing wrong. And you’re doing nothing wrong.
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Wow, I needed to hear this. To be honest I am beating myself up for being such a needy person who still loves someone who shows no signs to better or even continue our relationship. Thank you for changing my perspective.
This was not my week at all for the last 7 days. Turned out I had massive PMS all week which led to an emotional breakdown on saturday when I discovered my period arrived again. Today is day three and I remember: My husband fled from me for years because I was too needy and too moody for him. But the only thing I needed were hugs. Tons of hugs.
I have to let go. Let go and let God
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I am sorry you are hurting so much atm. It must be overwhelming. I think there is a possibility to let the positive memories have a place and the bad ones which led to you separation. Maybe not atm but hopefully in the future.
I cannot really say anything as I have never been married but from my separations I know the feelings. And it got better. Now I sometimes even laugh about some moments we had. It wasn’t all bad. I think if you damn everything you had with him you also damn many decisions you made in your past. But you learned from them and they have been the best decisions you could have made at that time. Hinterher is man immer schlauer.
Big hugs to you. And you are not a codependent idiot as you are a loving recovering addict who is growing on what life is thowing at you.
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My husband came home drunk tonight. I am grateful that when I interact with drunk people I can see my inner drunk in them. It solidifies my absolute need to maintain my sobriety. I don’t miss repeating myself, trailing off in the middle of a story or mis-reading conversations.
I’ve always dated drinkers. My previous drinking boyfriend wasn’t kind in general and was even less so as a drunk. When my husband comes home with too many drinks in him I tense up thinking of those times.
My husband is a kind man. He occasionally drinks too much but doesn’t get angry or dismissive of me, just morose. I can see the gaping hole in him that life shows us some times when he’s drunk and that makes me sad for him. We usually talk it out and since I’ve been typing this we’ve talked through the joy and sadness in the statement “nothing matters”. I tend to be a bit melancholy in life myself but I find freedom in the thought that I am not some special unique human on a mission to change the whole system. I’m just a human doing my best.
I’m not trying to be a downer but I am trying to be absolutely honest with myself and with others these days. Sorry if this made anyone sad but typing it out really helped me. Thanks for listening. My sober head is on my pillow. Peace to all tonight. 
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I’m glad you let it out It helps to get situations and feelings off one’s chest. Good you can talk about it. I know the popping up of similarities from former relationships. It makes me sad too. The good thing is: This too shall pass. Wishing you a good sober sleep.
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Loved this post, Trusty. Sounds like you and husband communicate well with each other. I’m grateful to not be getting drunk anymore.
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I’m so sorry to hear he filed for divorce. That is heartbreaking. I can only imagine; it’s just an awful place to be. 
Actually, “emotional capital” is as much if not more important than financial capital. Financial capital (money and material resources and revenues) gets all the attention because our culture (at this moment in history anyway) is highly materialistic and consumption-oriented. But as everyone who pays attention to their heart knows, money by itself has no heart, no depth, no feeling, and no endurance.
It is feeling, it is the emotional connections and commitments and communication, that gives us strength to get through the tough times and make it to the next victory. This emotional connection and commitment is the “emotional capital”. Emotional capital is much more powerful than money. Money (business revenue in general) is like the winds at sea - it comes and goes, sometimes it works for you, sometimes you’re stuck with no wind in your sails - but the emotional capital is like the physical strength of your boat, and the supplies it has stored away to feed the crew. 
Anyone can succeed in any ship when the winds and the weather are good, when revenues are good. But when the winds and weather are hard, it’s the ships that are built strong, with a good stock of supplies, that are able to ride out the storm.
That’s why I think emotional capital is actually more important than financial capital, in a business. I own a business, and the single best piece of financial advice I ever got had nothing to do with money at all. It was the same advice I gave above: yes money and revenues matter and you do track them, but you need to devote just as much effort to the emotional capital supporting the business, for the business to last. You need to know that emotional net is below you, supporting you, and weaving that net takes time and regular effort.
It is heartbreaking what you’re going through now. It sounds like you desperately want to connect and create, to weave that net together, and it sounds like he doesn’t.
As cruel as it feels, this may be a constructive step. If a business partner isn’t willing to invest, then they’re not really a partner. (You can’t put a monetary value on emotion, so it’s not “investment” in the financial sense, but it is definitely investment in an emotional sense.) You need a partner who’s as invested as you are.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. My heart grieves for what you’re going through. Take care and don’t give up. Feel what you feel now and do what you need to do. The winds of progress will fill your sails in time.
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I guess my point is (sorry I think I rambled a bit up there):
Actually I think you’re running your company pretty well, financially and emotionally. Your emotional relationship with yourself is what’s getting the investment now, and that emotional capital is just as valuable as emotional capital in a two-person company.
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You are on the point, as always. Thank you @Matt
It’s a very simple problem: I have to calculate on hard facts whether I pay out my ex or not. What’s missing are the hard facts
I do NOT want to find out later what the hell of bullshit is additionally to do / invest / work on / re-build because he said fucking nothing (my experience with him tells me to be very aware and investigative). I simply don’t have the money for uncalculated bullshit and I am NOT willing to work my ass off instead of enjoying my life on the farm.
All the heritage of my father who died 12 years ago went into building our dream of an organic farm, self-supplied and panic-proof. Plus I wanted a house with comfort and modern standards.
I was a complete idiot to marry him and an even bigger idiot that I entitled him into the real estate register when I bought it. He did not add a penny. Don’t ask how complicated this makes it.
I’ll think a lot about the emotional arguments you brought to the table. A good perspective and worth being “calculated” too.
Now I need a nap. At least I have my winter cloths back. His snappy, määäähhh, I’m sooo poor attitude with deliberatly NOT speaking to me is just childish. And hurting. Well, not for much longer I hope.
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Jesus. What a mess.
To go with the ship metaphor a bit more: it sounds like you’re in an intense storm - the storm of a regrettable financial situation - but the emotional capital you have invested in yourself (your efforts to connect here, to find healthy support for yourself, to let yourself feel while knowing you have your feet on the ground and it will pass), that emotional capital is the strong ship which will keep you safe here.
You need a good lawyer and a good accountant, you need to ask some questions and get some solid, practical, actionable advice from them, and you need to take time to do this right. It sucks and it’s gonna suck until the job is done, but it’s not something you want to rush.
I follow Ellevest on LinkedIn and they are fantastic for financial advice for women. (It’s all advice that men should follow too it’s just this particular company focuses more on women’s general experience with respect to markets, investments, and decisions.) This site is helpful for being diligent with looking into your financial situation, so you don’t get taken advantage of:
https://www.ellevest.com/magazine/family-relationships/divorce-dividing-wealth
For lawyer, there’s a lot of options, but you want to be sure it “clicks”. I’ve had a few different lawyers (not for divorce proceedings in my case but for other matters) and some of them I just felt like I was being talked through a script, like an assembly-line process. I like a lawyer who takes time to listen to me and understand, and who is helping me find the steps I want to take, at the pace I want to take them, and advising me about the wisest way to do that. I like lawyers that are focused on me as a person, not as just another client on their list. Don’t be afraid to “shop around” for a lawyer until you find one you click with.
Take care and don’t give up. You deserve to be seen and respected.
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Thanks @Matt Yes it is a really self-induced mess. I’m grateful I hired one of the best divorce lawyers long ago. Better safe than sorry. Divorce in Austria is a complicated and expensive thing if you don’t settle both for an amicable divorce. We will see. ODAAT and one step after the other. Not only in sobriety 
You are right: the emotional capital and work invested in me MAKES a difference I realized this today when I saw my husband to fetch my winter cloths. Shared it on the gratitude thread.
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I’m glad you shared Emilie. I find it very hard to share these things with other people. Weather it be my sadness or success stories. And that’s why I like to go to my Al-Anon meetings. I can share openly with people that understand and more importantly listen to other people share their stories.
Please check in anytime.
Maverick just jumped up into my lap for a purr and a cuddle. I think I’ll take advantage of that.
I’m happy you typing it out here helped.
Edit: I too appreciate the reminder that I never want to go back to my drinking passing out days ever again either. I just wish it wasn’t a daily constant reminder. But I cannot control it.
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My husband apologizes for drinking too much on those days and always says he’s proud of me and doesn’t want to “tempt” me. Every time I see him (or anyone really) drunk it reinforces my decision to never go back. We are only in control of ourselves @Dazercat but isn’t it glorious to finally have a bit of control over whether or not we take that first drink?
Keep fighting the good fight and give those sweet cats a squeeze from me.
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I’m not sure where this post is going, I just start.
We got divorced yesterday. Nope, this was not scheduled for yesterday and I’m still wondering how my lawyer made it happen. My ex-husband did not see it come, they must have had a completely different strategy for yesterday’s court date than we.
I was shocked how haggard, tense and bad my ex looked like. He obviously does not remember things he told me. He really believes that he did NOT say many things. It is heartbreaking to see him like this, with obviously declining health, stressed, frayed nervs. He did not get his driver license back yet. It’s 7 months now. I try to keep myself off overthinking. It’s not my circus anymore.
It might sound weird, but he was obviously dissatisfied with the outcome yesterday. He has to do a lot of decluttering and I can start the seedling season mid january at the farm - if I want. He has to tolerate it. He has to tolerate me. In january the next court date will take place. Then we talk about the financials. I’m astonished about his ideas how much he wants from me. For sure he will never even get half of it. Maybe he finally lost his sense of reality completely. Or became greedy. He never was greedy.
I asked my lawyer what he thinks of my ex, he saw him yesterday in person for the first time. My lawyer is an excellent observer. He told me frankly I should stay away from my ex and the farm as long as my ex still lives there, he thinks this man is a ticking time bomb spiraling down. No tremor but all signs of a full-blown alcoholic, erratic, a lot of oppressed anger towards me which could lead to violence when he realizes that he started a battle that will lead him nowhere.
My ex got what he wanted: the divorce. But he did not get what he really wanted: power over me, himself been seen as poor victim who dictates the rules.
I’m relieved the divorce is final. The romantic little princess in me never stopped hoping for a happy end. There never was a chance for it. I lost my loved one and he his love for me to alcohol long ago, long before things became really bad between us.
I will take the advise from my lawyer and therapists serious. They all tell me to remove my ex from my life completely, otherwise he will engulf me into the abyss with him. Yesterday I saw for the first time, what all those wise people meant. I saw my ex as he really is. I saw the signs of his decay, how he changed. I realized he will never answer my questions, I have to find peace without. This is not the man I knew and loved anymore. It broke my heart. It broke my heart that all he wants is to push me away. Without any plan for his own life. But with my money. The whole situation is somewhat surreal and mad.
One thing is for sure: This too shall pass and in the long run we are all dead. So I pet the cats, smile sadly and take it one day at a time. This year I burried three friends, my mum and our marriage. I’m not surprised that I feel like I have no energy left and need a loooong vacation from life itself. I AM surprised that I still work on me, on letting go, on babysteps, one after another, on managing my life. I’m grateful that continous work pays off some day and that I know this for sure. I am divorced now. It feels like someone cutted out a piece of my heart. Maybe it reveals some day that it saved my life and sanity. Who knows?
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