Oh my gosh. That is a lot to deal with. I’m glad your dad survived and I admire the strength. You have to stay sober during this difficult time. Some days are one minute at a time, one hour at a time. Keep checking in here. We support you fully and I will be sending prayers of strength and comfort for both you and your dad.
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Thank you and at this point i take it second by second. I really appreciate your support.
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Sending you hugs and prayers 
Keep coming here and share 
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So this morning I woke up with a sense of dreaded fear.
Thanks to Dana’s morning meditation recommendation. Ya I’m tagging you one last time @Butterflymoonwoman You have no idea how much you have help me this morning because of that share. You are a very integral part of this community. That meditation said not to let your fears control you.
Anyway……. I’m not sure how to face my fear but I thought I would at least dump it here so it would not have as much control over me.
I’m afraid of flying to Cali tomorrow with my wife. Suppose she drinks too much? Suppose she is too drunk to visit my grandson?
Now. I know I didn’t cause it. Well. First of all it hasn’t happened yet. So there’s that 
I know I can’t control it. I can only control myself. And that’s a full time job.
I can’t talk to her about it. Everything has already been said. It would just be me nagging her. There would be resentments. She knows I cannot lie to my daughter. It’s not like I could tell my daughter “mom is sick.” She’d know exactly what that meant.
Now I know, and I’m 
confident, when we are in Cali my wife will do the right thing. But after we visit my grandson and fam she’ll hit the bottle at the hotel. I’m sure she will wait until after we visit. It’s just the flying and trip to get there that terrifies me.
I can’t cure it.
So I guess, like in Happy Gilmore, I’m just going to have to play it as it lies. Nothing has happened yet. Hell, we don’t leave for another 30 hours or so.
There was another great thing on that Morning Meditation, the 6th affirmation about listening. Maybe if I try being a better listener? I know talking to her about it has been done to death.
And I know, maybe, just maybe I’m setting up expectations to fail that haven’t even happened yet.
I do know I’m powerless over alcohol.
I do know I have a God and some Higher Powers to lean on. And of course you guys. And I could find an Al-Anon meeting in LA. Lots of recovery in that town.
And I’m just going to have to work a lot on Step 3 to get through this.
At least my sobriety is strong. And I will not drink.
My grandchildren will never get to know that other guy who use to drink all the time. No way!
I’m going to have a great time meeting my 5 day old grandson. And my daughter who is a mother now.
Edit.
Suppose she doesn’t drink too much?
Suppose she isn’t to drunk to visit our grandson?
Suppose everything is fine?
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What a wonderful thing!! Congratulations!!
This changed my life as well. 
Today is a great day to be sober.
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Big hugs for you Eric. Glad you are thinking through and voicing your concerns and what ifs.
Thinking about all of you … hoping for the best for you all. You’re thought about. Hope you will have a good meditation that you can listen to on the airplane. And perhaps ones for in times of duress. Hopefully not too much or any duress.
Much love and again congrats.
Big hugs and again congratulations.
(((( @Dazercat ))))
Exciting! Getting to meet your grandson tomorrow and your daughter the Mother and your son in law the Father!
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Awe Eric… Im so glad that meditation helped. It was very useful for me too. You have done SO much internal work and i can see that thru ur post. I think its natural for us to “predict” the future. Especially when history shows us one thing (like how our loved ones with addictions behave more often than not). I may not be dealing with a loved one currently that is using or drinking, but I have been in many long term relationships with those that were and so i can definitly understand.
Youre right tho, everything could go so well. Your wife may not drink too much, we dont know. But i think u hit the nail on the head with being able to control what u can, which is yourself and your thinking, and having an amazing time with your grandson. Im so glad that youre not allowing the worry and anxiety to take over in ur mind, which could potentially ruin a very nice trip. And i know how much u want to spend time with ur grandson. It will go well bcuz ur sober and ur in control 
thinking of u on ur trip… hugs!
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8 months ago my life was totally unmanageable living with an alcoholic. Sometimes I have slip ups and go back to my old ways. But I don’t stay there very long. It’s no fun. Now I continue to ask God to show me how to look at things differently. Gratefully . And I’m so grateful for Al-Anon and know I’m not alone. And I wouldn’t be where I’m at now without it.
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Congrats my twinnie. 
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Huge congratulations Eric! Im sure this has not been easy for you but u are doing it friend!!! Hugs!!
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Well I couldn’t sleep last night 
. Well, I guess 10:30 - 3 isn’t bad. I tried 2 sleep meditations too. I feel good and refreshed but I couldn’t relax and go back to sleep. And I know exactly why
I keep working on myself and going to meetings and I’m doing steps and traditions work with the corresponding months. But sometimes I feel like it’s totally fucking hopeless. But yesterday early, I had some hope. For me not her. Then it all comes crashing down at dinner time. Looks like I have to confront the beast again. And that’s always fun. NOT!
I just need to remember kindness and compassion and “what’s my goal?” I just got to find the balls to tell her I just don’t want to go out to dinner with you anymore. If any of you know me/us. That’s kind of our thing. I don’t know how we got that way. But that doesn’t matter. So I guess I’m just coming up with another boundary. Like. I’m not comfortable going out to dinner with you anymore 
Then see what happens. We can both work on the problem. It’s a family disease. But I’m just not comfortable going out to dinner when you’re like this.
Things are getting worse. Tell her I don’t know what to do? But I know I cannot keep putting myself in this situation. FYI. My sobriety is strong. Thank God and my hard work and TS for that. So there is no fear of me drinking.
I just don’t want to be around a drunk in public. And I shouldn’t have to be. In my mind I’m thinking she can stay home and drink all she wants. I just don’t want to be out in public when she’s doing it. That’s totally fair. I deserve this.
She’s turning into her mother. Except she never hides it from me. Her mom use to hide vodka in the toilet tank. 
Fuck me! And it’s just wine. Lots of fucking wine.
“Oh well, what the hell.” My Dad in his eighties always said that. I love it. It was one of the comical Alzheimer’s things he use to repeat over and over again. But also at just the perfect moment. Love you dad.
I fucking got this!
Fuck alcoholism!! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you!
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Gosh. You really don’t need to be and it’s healthy kind of selfish. Protecting your boundaries, yourself, that you don’t lose yourself. It’s not her but her addiction that is consuming your outings.
I’m sorry my friend. You are one fucking trooper. Sending hugs.
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Oh Eric, I feel with you. You are such a loving and caring person. It is sad that caring for yourself comes with detaching from your wife’s behaviour when she drinks and to not wanting to be in public with drinking her anymore. It is heartbreaking AND setting healthy boundaries. Sending you hugs
You and your journey had/have a great impact on my own, to look at the things that hurt, to put the work in, to be kind and caring to myself. And to detach. Thank you for bringing up the co-dependent journey. I too found hope for me when I dug through my finances last week and realized how much money I spent for the farm and our living, him not contributing anything financial. Somehow it helped me to realize why I withdraw from him more and more - I did no longer bear being around him when he drank. It hurt too much, I felt less bad when I retired to the bedroom alone, not trying to get love or attention he was not able nor willing to give.
Fuck addiction.
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Hi Sir.
I’m not super comfortable saying this but feel I should.
Please don’t take this as criticism as I’m only trying to make an observation.
As I read your post it began to occur to me that you are setting yourself up for failure expecting your wife’s drinking to be different or change when you guys go out. It is so similar to my alcoholic thinking. “I can have just one and it will be ok…”. It never works out that way for me.
My wife always expected me to be “normal” when we went out. I let her down a lot. She eventually made a choice. She chose to protect herself and not put herself in those situations rather than lower her expectations thinking “this time will be different.”
I can relate to that now. I protect my sobriety at all costs and cannot “lower my expectations” thinking that it can be any other way.
All that said, I know you are in a tough spot based on how important you have expressed your relationship is with your wife.
I apologize if I am out of line or misunderstanding what is happening 
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Hm. I think you are indeed misunderstanding.
Isn’t the entire point of Eric’s post that he needs to have an uncomfortable conversation with his wife about changing their beloved routine of going out to dinner precisely because he knows he cannot have an expectation of her changing her behaviour but has to protect his own wellbeing instead?
That’s how I read it and how I know the conflict to have been for a while now. I wish you well dear Eric with this. I know how goddam hard it is when one self and the other just will not and cannot come together in terms of what we need and direly want from each other. 
Much love. Hope it goes well.
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Big hugs first of all.
I thought y’all did have the boundary that if she had been drinking that you would not go out to eat.
I guess the other boundary If it is not already there should be that no drinks at dinner.
None of this is unreasonable. You shouldn’t be put in the position of being out with somebody who’s drinking too much.
Especially with what’s happened in the past. It’s going to happen again. Maybe it happened yesterday.
She admits that she has a problem. And I think she doesn’t want repeats of the “restaurant scenarios.”
If she’s been drinking you can’t go out to dinner. And no drinks at the restaurant, sorry.
This is a discussion that you have had before. Maybe not the part about no drinks when you get to the restaurant after you haven’t been drinking and have the privilege of going to the restaurant.
It’s just so frigging sad. I know it has to hurt you so much. These can be the happiest years of your life. And they still can be and are except when there’s too much drinking.
I’m glad she’s not hiding bottles, I hope she can remember The grocery person asking her if she was going to have a party.
I hope and I will say prayers that she will see the sober light. She has two children and one husband who have gotten sober from different substances. I say again I will say prayers and I will send good positive thoughts that something will click and that she will make the big change. It might not ever happen.
My thoughts and my heart are with you. And with her also as she is challenged by this alcoholism.
Big hugs.
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Thank you.
I just went back and reread his post. I got on my high horse .
You are correct. I misunderstood his point.
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Life is lifing a lot of us hard right now. Know that you are cared for. Do what you need to do for you.
I am glad you have here to share and get it out.
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Thanks everyone for feedback, support, having my back, and love.
We have been very civil today and I just explained how uncomfortable I am going out to dinner with her and WE have to work out a solution.
@Peaceofmind I appreciate your input. I read it as she was draining her second glass of wine at lunch. 
As @Faugxh put it I do not have any expectations of her not drinking. But after our lovely talk watching her order wine at lunch today did hurt my feelings. And that is on me. And it is ok that I am sad about. When we got home she cracked open another bottle. So I will be hitting up my 3rd Al-Anon meeting this week. And there is another one on Thursday I can go to. We’re talking. We’re being civil. She’s drinking. And I’m going to Al-Anon for support and I got my peeps here. So i’m calling it a win. Not much else I can do.
I needed boundary on her getting drunk at dinner and I set it. No ultimatums. No threats. And we are still conversing civilly to each other. I’m not going to worry about the next time we go out to dinner until the next time we go out to dinner. ODAAT
I cannot teller she can’t drink at dinners out @Alisa If I could do that then I would simply tell her she can;'t drink at home either. It just doesn’t work that way. I cannot control it. I did have that boundary 8 months ago as you mentioned but life went on. Things weren’t so bad so it kind of went by the wayside. But I do appreciate you and your suggestions, and feedback from last time. I know when I was drinking. If someone told me I couldn’t drink somewhere etc… I’d probably just drink more. No one was going to tell me how and where too drink. I just have to stick to my boundary or whatever we decide on when the time comes. I appreciate the hugs and prayers keep them coming. Stay warm. Maybe our prayers will pass in the night.
Buttercup @Olivia I love you. Thanks for stopping by. I’ve been told how well Im handling this but it sure doesn’t feel that way sometimes. But at the end of the day if we are still being civil and kind to each other then I guess that’s a huge win.
Thank you @SassyRocks Sharing here and getting any input always helps.
And @erntedank my friend. You just amaze me. I don’t know if I would have had the strength or the balls you have to do what you did for yourself. You are an incredible lady. I appreciate all your support on this thread with your shares and support, so much. I feel a special bond even though we both went in different directions. As long as we do right by ourselves we are winning. It sure isn’t easy no matter what we do.
Ok.
Thanks again everyone. I can’t wait to get to my meeting. I love a new meeting. And it makes me feel good.
I’m also getting Hope. Hope for me. I have’t had much hope in this situation. But I’ve been looking to her for Hope. I am finally looking inside myself for Hope. And I am finding Hope within myself. That and being 3 years sober is pretty fucking awesome.
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