Sober living can be tough.
I could not say this to anyone. Each one of us has a very special timeline.
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Thanks for those suggestions. I’ve never heard “let it break around me” before. That seems a really interesting one to me. 
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That’s a good one. I’m going to put it into action
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The feeling of grieving the lack of genuine fun in my childhood due to family alcoholism is looming over me today. I feel as if I’ve opened the lid of a box stuffed with memories, and I can’t put it back on, but I can’t take it all in at once.
One day at a time.
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This shit is so real and it can be such a presence in life for a long time. Has been with me. Working on emancipating from my family who are both clingy and emotionally abusive has been one of my top three topics since the start of my recovery + analysis. Opening that box over and over again and letting the memories come to me, repeatedly, gaining slightly and gradually greater degrees of difference from how I remembered things at the start of therapy, dealing w that grief, is definitely a big part of all that. I feel that this grief not only retroactively adds the reality of my own, formerly silenced childhood needs to my childhood memories, but also informs me of the fact that I do know more, nowadays, what I need. I used to be only stunned by the way my family is. Now I’m at least able to be sad at it.
Been going through a period of this having a strong hold on me again. I know I am holding myself back from life so as to not loose my family, whom I love but whose constant disapproval and negativity I absorp to the point of poisoning. I think I need to stop looking to any input from them at all, it only hurts me. I need to start giving myself the answers I’m still waiting on getting from them, since forever. They won’t come.
Anyway. I’ve been here before. Knowing this now, and being able to do it does not mean I will be able to keep it up, there is no once and for all in this, no matter how much I’m a once and for all kinda person. It’s always a swinging motion with progress in these things. That’s to say, dear Delia, I wanna speak courage to you with your open box. It won’t be all at once. It’ll be waves and then silence and pain and ease again and you’ll always have yourself during this process, however sad it gets.
Seeing you. 
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Feeling very seen Thank you
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I’ve been debating posting here. Watching my SO relapse on his Doc has been hard. The signs are so easy to spot and I’m angry with him for his lies. I feel very untrusting of him. He says he is done but I don’t believe him. I’m disappointed that we were in a good place and it feels like that has just been throw down the toilet. He is happy with his new job. It seems to me he is self sabotaging. Now we just aren’t talking and haven’t been for days. It’s so lonely. In this moment I’m so grateful for my dogs. The fox hates to be smothered with hugs and kisses but I’ve been laying on him like a pillow. It’s like they can sense my sadness. Why do we feel the need to fuck up good things? I say we because I know this could be the other way but I don’t have plans to pick up alcohol and go back to how I was. I just wish this relapse wouldn’t have happened.
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Let it out Jen. Shit like this is really hard to deal with. I’m glad you got the doggos. Sometimes my pets are my higher power and return me to sanity. I’m really sorry you are going through this. I know you said those Al-Anon meetings are too late in the evening for you. I bet they have some on line. Well. I know they do. When I finally went back to Al-Anon just being with people in the same predicament as me felt kind of calming. We’re not alone. And it’s really hard to go through this alone. I got a ton of Al-Anon literature now. I’m always finding something I can use.
It fucking sucks.
And you have every right not to believe him. And I know that loneliness all to well. It’s painful.
I wish I could do more to help. You know we are all here for ya. Keep letting it. It always helps me.
Big hugs my friend.
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Jen, my heart goes out to you. It wasn’t too long ago I was in your shoes. The lies were the worst because I felt he was insulting my intelligence. I wish he would have just come forward saying he wasn’t ready to commit to sobriety rather than lead me to believe he was on board. I’m glad you trust us enough to share your pain. Hold the doggies tight tonight. Sending you big hugs. 
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Not sure the thread topic applies, since its just partly addiction related and mostly family dynamic related, but I need to write this down and hopefully I can let it go in a while.
It was my halfbrothers confirmation yesterday and family and friends were invited to the festivities. My dad, already a few glasses in, and his wife did an introductory round for everyone, so people would know who was present and how they are related, starting with closest family. They said kind word about everyone and told a little story of how they were closely related and important to their lifes. Even my cousins new girlfried got a cute little praise. They just forgot about me. I was standing right there and felt like I am not family at all. When they noticed, they laughed it off. I laughed it off. But I felt so ashamed. It’s not the first time this happened at a family event. I know, it’s a tiny thing and all too human to forget something and I do know my dad loves me. It still hurts to be overlooked like this.
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Don’t minimise how this made you feel. I think that was extremely hurtful of him.
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This could have been my Dad forgetting about me. Must have hurt. 
I recently didn’t speak to my Dad for a month or so after he was very rude and hurtful to me. I spoke up for myself for the first time in my goddam life. A few months later he didn’t even remember any of it. Said it never happened.
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ouch, that was brainless and hurtful, even worse that it occured not for the first time. it’s ok to laugh it off for the moment. I personally would have a talk with my dad and make sure he understands that this is NOT funny and ask how the fuck this can happen more than once. no advise, just a heartfelt I hear you and a shoutout that it’s not at all ok but yes, can happen. once. sending you big hugs
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I would have been very hurt in that situation. I’m sorry that happened. I would have been hurt then mad.
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I hope sharing here has helped.
This thread is open to you, and all, anytime.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of relationships. It sucks. And it’s mentally painful.
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My best friend is an alcoholic. My brother is a heroin addict. My father was an alcoholic before he passed away. It’s tough bc you can’t force someone to get clean. They MUST want it.
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I hear ya. My dad smoked all his life until my step mother got lung cancer and died from it. Then he stopped. The irony. He’s an alcoholic but in the later stages of liver failure so that’ll get him soon enough. I don’t see him any more- I guess that’s part of my coping mechanism and part of me trying not to follow his path, but he hasn’t been interested in seeing me for 20 years.
It’s hard to grow up normal when the person you admire is an alcoholic.
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I’m sorry to hear that Jenn. It’s so hard to see that happen. Especially after you yourself have started to see the fruits of sustained sobriety. It hurts, like heartbreak; like hope that’s taken away or hidden. 
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Thanks guys. I’m feeling better today. From what I can tell he stopped but the lack of trust is what I’m feeling now. He went to get something sweet last night and it took 30 minutes when the dollar store is literally 1 minute away. He claims he was just driving but who knows.
I’m going to an AA meeting at noon. It’s been a long time since I’ve tried a meeting so 
He also went back to work today so at least I can get a break from his presence. Yesterday, he was coming down and so annoyed and just rude. I’m about to work out, take the dogs walking, maybe get them a pup cup and then the meeting a bit later
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