Thanks so much for your replies @erntedank and @Bootz . I’m so grateful to this community that I can go through these things and I’m not alone. It means so much.
I haven’t been to an AlAnon meeting yet, although I did look the times up last time my parents were visiting. Initially it had never occurred to me that I could go to AlAnon, I thought I only qualified or would be allowed to go to AA. Silly really.
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Nope. You definitely qualify for Al-Anon. I think we all do. I attend regularly now. Sometimes I go just to get away from the drinking chaos at home. Just reading the preamble and the “Just For Today” readings can give me peace. And of course listening to others and definitely knowing we are not alone helps. And you don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
Don’t call the Al-Anon police on me, but my favorite share the other night was, this old guy.
All he said was. “I’m so angry. I just had to come to an Al-Anon meeting.” The he said “I Pass.” I totally get it.
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There’s a meeting tomorrow at 10am about a two minute walk away 
I’ll head along to that. 
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That’s great! I’m still hesitating to join meetings but I have been reading some al-anon and different literature about alcohol & family in the last 1,5 years. It helped me a lot. There are also some good podcast tips I saw around here on TS. If you like give it a read, maybe it’s some additional help 
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Just back from the AlAnon meeting. What a lovely group of folk! So welcoming. I’ll definitely go back.
Now to have breakfast.
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So happy to hear this Delia.
Good for you.
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My son in law has childhood diabetes, so does my niece’s husband, the husband of one of my bestie’s and a very close friend. Their spouses all discuss the challenges of seeing them eat crap, not get much exercise, etc. They all have discussed many many many times how they do not want to lose them to diabetes and how hard it is to see them suffer and make poor choices.
We cannot change other people. We can stock healthy food, cook healthy meals, encourage to join us for a walk…but ultimately we each decide for ourselves what we put into our body/how we treat our body.
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I’ll get back to ya. But don’t remove it. Unless you really want to of course. It’s a great question and can be a great discussion. I’ll try and weigh in later.
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It is very puzzling. I guess that’s why we call it a cunning and baffling disease. Sometimes I have to “buy in,” to the fact it’s a disease. I know there is plenty of medical evidence to support this. I can’t personally cite any. But I know it’s out there. I guess there are so many variables around where everyone’s story is different.
I think I have a pretty unique story. But not more or less unique than anyone else. We been together 42 plus years. All of our immediate family are dead except for my sister. Both our children are recovering addicts. We drank together, did drugs early on, almost all of our lives together. I went and called an audible (American football term,) called a play without anyone knowing it. I STOPPED drinking. I thought it was killing both of us. I believe it’s a disease and like diabetes or cancer or MS or whatever, I’m still going to love her. If she had any other disease I wouldn’t leave her. And I don’t think I could control her if she had some other disease either.
If she did have some other disease I could call the kids and friends and get more help and support. And I struggle with that a lot. Maybe one day it will get so bad that will happen. For now I hate that it’s our dirty little secret. Therefore meetings and letting it out on here.
I feel like I’m justifying my actions here. And I don’t mean to. And I know I don’t have too. But it’s my story. It’s the only one I got right now. And it’s hard as fuck sometimes.
You might be able to tell I’m having a hard time buying into you are as happy as you make up your mind to be. And my happiness cannot depend on the behavior of other people. I’m finding that difficult to do when it’s just the 2 of us. We’re always around each other. Unless one of us is passed out. That’s why I go to Al-Anon. Maybe one day I can be happy even when she’s passed out after dinner 
. I’m not there yet.
She’s fighting to control this disease tooth and nail. She’s coming up with all sorts of cockamamie ideas to try. She likes having wine out with a meal. She had her wine for lunch today and now she says she’s done for the day. I think she knows she’s loosing the battle. But she’s not ready to quit. I confronted her today about her passing out earlier than usual yesterday. She knows she let me down. And she thanked me this time for bringing it up. WTF 
If anyone needs Al-Anon it’s my wife. Her whole family was a bunch of alcoholics and addicts and mental illness. She cannot remember most of her childhood. Or won’t. But she won’t get help with that either.
So. I got to take care of me. Fake it till I make it. Let go. Let god. How important is it? And all the other good stuff recovery offers me. And I cannot believe how much I love my meetings now. I’m so crazy I even love walking into new meetings that I’ve never been to before. I always get a golden nugget. Like the other night. “Check my motives.” It came in handy yesterday and today. And I’m learning how to feel again. It’s ok if I feel depressed and or sad. I don’t have to be the strong “I’m fine,” person anymore.
Not sure if this is the kind of answer you were looking for. But apparently I needed to get this out here. And I appreciate you stopping by and asking. I believe in recovery there are no dumb questions. And I so appreciate you being on here and how much you care.
I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself sometimes. You’re a beautiful Intelligent person.
Enjoy France.
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This is beautifully said. I find myself having aquired this mindset with the ppl around me who are still stuck in their pain, hurting others in their own struggle, not ready to finally confront themselves.
Thanks for putting it into these words.
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11 months of Al-Anon meetings.
I still relapse daily. But I’m proud of myself for going to Al-Anon meetings regularly for almost a year now. I look forward to them. I don’t always enjoy it. But I always feel better after a meeting.
I even went to a meeting a half hour away yesterday that I’ve never been too before because I was feeling fragile emotionally.
And that was my 30 second share. And I thanked everyone else for sharing and I just listened. It was actually a good exercise for me as I love to share. But, just sitting and listening. That took work. It was hard. I got to try that again some day. Just listen.
I never know what I’m going to come home to after a meeting. But I let God walk thru the garage door first. And breathe. And now I’ve learn to use that in other ways in my life situations.
"Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing
gonna be all right.
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing
gonna be all right!”
Bob Marley.
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It’s been 11 months already? Congratulations my friend! So proud of you for actually taking that step and putting your ass in one of those chairs. Look at you now, branching out and going to other meetings. You’re such an inspiration to so many here. 
I went to a meeting yesterday and just listened too. It’s one of my regulars where everyone knows me and my journey well. At one point, no one was sharing and I’m usually the one the chair calls on because I always have something to say but nope, not this time. I needed to listen because I wasn’t in a good place mentally nor spiritually. It was a shock to all when I said “no thank you, I’ll share the time and pass tonight.” Sometimes changing things up helps me but I’m not sure it did this time. Hopefully, it helped some others that shared who normally don’t.
Anyway, I’m super proud of you for continuing to find a way to support yourself and your marriage.
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Thank you Lisa.
Appreciate your support.
Ya I’ve told a lot of people about my kids and my previous stint in Al-Anon and how I thought I knew it all 
but my life was unmanageable. It’s astounding the number of times I’ve heard “I don’t understand how it works.” And so many people agree it’s magical that we always feel better. At least a little bit better after a meeting. When I was a new person I never understood that. I thought that will never happen to me. I’m glad I didn’t fight it.
I cannot believe how hard it was for me to just listen. I was still thinking about what I wanted to share even though I kept telling myself just listen and don’t share. Someone even thanked me for just saying “I’m feeling fragile, so I found a meeting.” Pass. I won’t lie. That felt good to hear someone say that to me. You just never know how you can help someone while helping yourself.
Thanks again.
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It just occurred to me that trying to just stop being hyper vigilant around my drunk parents is akin to me trying to stop being depressed. Just snap out of it. Impossible.
It hasn’t occurred to me what to do instead though
Any ideas gratefully received……
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Set time limits that that only you can abide by
Then follow them. As with anything else, it takes one step.
Don’t worry about their sobriety.
Protect you and yours. I’m not saying don’t care for them. Their limits are set beyond yours
Do what you can handle. If that means setting boundaries with time and space.
Work it
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Well, I certainly cannot just snap out of it.
It’s hard. I been going to Al-Anon for 11 months now. It’s taking me a long time to get where I am. My thoughts are still dominated by my alcoholic. But I know I’m getting better. Some weeks I’m going to 4 meetings. I don’t want to. But I always feel better after. I’ve got to keep going and wait for my recovery to happen. It’s frustrating but I see progress in myself. It’s not happening over night like I wanted it.
Check out this post. I don’t think you’ve seen it. Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict? - #731 by Dazercat
Maybe you did. I found that book very helpful. Especially the beginning. We’ve got some sever loss. Even though they are not dead. I spent a week or 2 mourning and crying while reading the first bit. No. I didn’t enjoy it. But I have felt a great deal of relief after I had a good mourning period. And we are dealing with a ton of grief. It fucken hurts. 
Truthfully I don’t want to be one of those people that have been going to meetings for twenty years. But I do want what they have. They seem to have a serenity. And I’m finding it. Slowly. We got a lot of unlearning to do. I’m listening to meditations on insight timer on grief and loss. It’s sad. But the whole freaken thing is a mess and it is sad.
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Have just downloaded that book onto my iPad. Isn’t modern technology amazing? 
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Sadly yeah.
I had a close friend which was (and I think is still currently) doing drugs. I didn’t until to one Summer day, where I was a lot drunk and tried to smoke marihuana.
Spoiler: it was HORRIBLE. Possibly because I was drunk and marihuana gives another experiences to you when you’re drunk, but whatever.
So I didn’t continue with this (and I’m very glad).
But it a lot affected my mental health, how my close friend acted and even sometimes tried to manipulate me to try again marihuana. He a lot got high, acted a lot emotionally and basically… It was just hard. Really hard.
Now we don’t talk to each other because he ghosts me, but maybe it’s for better. I’m not at currently good mental health, so if he would be here right now and venting to me, I wouldn’t handle it.
But yeah. It affected me, that his drug addiction.
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I’m still reading that one. I skipped over that one for awhile it to read that other one I told you about. But I’m back on it. Sometimes. Got too much recovery stuff to read. Looking forward to my little Tuesday night meeting tonight.
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