Thanks Jazz. Just a frustration vent there. I was a drunk for many years with this man and I love him dearly. But ooof alcohol is annoying. Happy sober day to you fellow fighter. 
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Come here and vent away 
I hear you, yes drinking is unattractive when you’re sober. It’s sad, sounds a bit that deep inside he feels that drinking makes him and you unhappy. You’re such a kind and loving person and you love your hubs dearly. That’s lovely and it’s good that you come here to vent. We all need to get things out and off.
I wish my ex would have been of the cuddly love you sort when drunken. He was either silent, mean, selfish or having a pity party because the world was bitchy towards him.
Sorry, didn’t want to derail, just got caught in a what-if-loop.
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I am grateful for his kindness when he drinks. He would be sitting somewhere with your ex grumbling about life otherwise. 
Like every drunk though he goes through a range of emotions while drinking and not many of them are positive. He gets jealous of the life I’m creating now that I’m sober (“you’re so lucky you get to…” listen bub luck has nothing to do with this). He also gets pretty poor me petty and a bit passive aggressive.
He honestly was the reason I decided to change. I came home recklessly drunk one night and he told me he was concerned. We had been drinking together for YEARS at this point and I don’t think he ever expressed concern we were going too far.
Now I’m sober and he isn’t. It makes me think I should be having that same concerned talk. I love a rant @erntedank. Thank you for being here.
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Glad you stopped by Bird
I’m selfishly kinda of glad you stopped by because it makes me feel like I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s so annoying when I get all the “I love you’s,” after she’s been drinking. And of course she doesn’t remember shit, the next morning. It’s so unattractive and she just doesn’t get that. Well her addict doesn’t get that. I’ve tried to mention that to her but that conversation doesn’t usually go well. So I stopped doing that. It’s hard.
It was easier when I was first working on my sobriety. Probably because I was so focused on myself. Even with all my Al-Anon work her drinking dominates my thoughts. And we drank together for a really long time. I have to try to remember to be as compassionate as possible. Not always easy.
Keep checking in when you feel like it.
You know I’m always around.
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Thanks Daze. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one complaining about those “I love you man” moments. It feels petty but boy is it annoying when it happens. Let me continue to paint the picture just so you know you aren’t alone in this:
After about the 4th time I hear “I love you” my visible annoyance shows because there is only so much reassurance I can give a drunken person whose memory isn’t functioning perfectly. Then you get hit with a “what’s wrong” “are you mad” which needs more reassurance. Then if reassurance isn’t convincing enough the conversation gets a little barbed and personal, maybe a little passive aggressive. Then I excuse myself and go to bed.
I’m with you Daze. I love my guy. His life would be 10,000 times better if he stopped drinking BUT I am not in charge of making that decision for him. I remember being a drunk. I was often an asshole. I am just very happy that I am no longer an
evening ender.
Enjoy your vacay. Send pics to make me jealous please.
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I need to get big hurting off my chest.
For today in the afternoon a call with my lawyer was scheduled so I drove to the farm in the morning to see what’s going on, maybe have a talk with my ex. I arrived and saw that he moved out! Not a single word and if I weren’t there I wouldn’t have known it for who knows how long.
The house looks dead empty without his furniture and him. I was devasted. It hit me like a bomb. I mean so little to him that I’m not even worth a good by.
I hate myself for being so emotional. It feels like he left me, ghosted me, took away a part of my life. I did not realize that it was comforting to know he was at the farm, that I assumed he will stay there until finances are settled. I feel dumb like duckshit. Of course he said he will move out but after more than half a year without anything happening I got accustomed to him being at the farm. And now this.
I will take inventory in the next days to get an overview. He did nothing other than the fucking bullshit stonewall, the grass is high, the trees are uncut. I had a breakdown in therapy talking about WTF how can I alone make all this livable and working. And the princess in me was sobbing that all she wanted to come home to her man and now there’s no home and no man anymore.
Every time my life is nice and things are going fine and I feel stable … BAM 
I’m wondering how much fuckup sabotage life can throw on me.
My lawyer is a pragmatic man. He told me how we will go on with the finances if there’s no answer from my ex’s lawyer by the end of the week. He also told me that the moving out is good, I have to overcome this relationship and avoid contact. Easier said than done. My codependent heart is sobbing and screaming, completely ignoring the facts that we are divorced, this relationship is long over, he lost his love for me long ago, my love is longing for an illusion, I make a fool of myself nearly every time we talk because I’m emotional and he is annoyed. There is nothing left. Basta. Can somebody please tattoo this into my heart, soul, brain and on the forehead of this princess in pink in me who ignores reality completely (maybe 4 years old with adult issues?)
Rant end. Now I’m feeling better. 
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Wow that is horrible. The shock of it all really gotta hurt. Once you get over the shock and all I bet this is just what you needed. As hard as it is right now.
Change the locks. And listen to your lawyer. I mean there was no good way for him to leave. And now you know exactly where you are. You can have a few days to be angry. Pissed off. Mad as hell. Sad. Gut punched. Feel it all. I bet by next week you’ll be right back up on your feet with some good plans for you and your future.
I don’t know. I don’t mean to make light of all this. But I think you already been through the toughest part and you’re a survivor. And maybe now you got plenty of time to get things all worked out the way YOU want them before the cold weather comes.
Big hugs my friend.
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Hey gal! I just want you to know as much as it hurts what you are going thru, I’ve always received a spiritual gift(s) going thru the painful process. And typing your feelings out here is such a great example of community support and self care. Thank you.
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I realized something today. What can we do to help? What are we even talking about? Absolutely nothing…That’s what! There’s literally nothing we can do to help an addict unless they want to be helped! I feel like I’ve been set free. 
I no longer have to worry about figuring out what this mysterious “help” is supposed to be.
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You have a big story. My heart reaches to you to offer help.
It aches with you
It pains with you.
Now, the new you is going to new boundaries
I hope for the best for you.
You are now your codependent self.
I know how tough this is.
Yet i don’t know
Tell the world to bring it
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Oh sweetheart i am so very sorry! I dont know the whole story – i do know you desserve better. What an absolutely horrible way to find out hes moved out.
I think this was hindering you to move on (kind of still fantasizing about possible reconciliation). In a way he has ripped off the band-aid. It hurts but your pain will heal - hopefully it will heal properly this time.
As @Dazercat said - take time to feel your feelings (get mad, angry, cry and scream)…release all those emotions you have linked with this man.
He is a part of your past and now you can truly move on. You are far too good for him- you will find your happiness
Loads of love my friend!!
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You’ve got us, friend. We may be too far to put on the work gloves and lend a helping hand - but we believe in you. You can do the farm work, the emotional work, the paper work… the way you’ve done everything. One day at a time. One fucking day at a time.
Easy? Probably not. Sometimes one breath at a time.
With us. And with cat cuddles galore.
Hugs.
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Hey there, wow that must have hurt. that pain and shock was feelable through the screen. fuck I am so sorry.
I can relate because I keep getting my wtf-lingering unconscious illusions and wishes blown up regularly re my ex. our entire drawn out separation, since disclosure two years ago this august 
until we finally broke up last october and since then has been absolutely littered with painful small and huge reality bombs. about his character. his deeds. our relationship. my illusions. often times I felt like not just my persistent ilusions but my actual lived life was being obliterated. the entirety of our relationship, which I know and remember had many many many wonderful times and aspects, annihilated. it’s hard to live in this double think. I imagine you feel similarly, now with this pain that shows you so clearly how parts of you have still been holding on to your ex depsite the divorce and despite your knowledge that it is over. it’s like our feelings betray us. me too I have the wish and the dream we might get back together in the future and continue living the very happy parts of our before life - only gradually does the reality of the fundamental absences in that life take hold in my mind.
what I try and do is really accept the parts of me that long for that happiness and shelter, that deep bond. they are good, connective, love-seeking and loving parts of me that don’t deserve to be scolded and burnt. don’t beat that princess up - hear her, feel her wish. I feel like maybe, if you are being so hard and mean to those parts of yourself, their longing and their clinging to the fantasy will only intensify or at least keep on. maybe it is easier for the unconscious parts to let go, bit by bit, if actual reality isn’t so scary and punishing.
I make my reality less scary partly by sticking to my boundaries, believing myself that what I need is something else than my ex can offer, so that the exact same pain might not happen to me again. so do you: you need to be loved back. you know he didn’t the way you need to, from a certain point on. by keeping this thought conscious, you are making reality less scary, because it prevents you from going back there. now try and give yourself some love too, to make it more palatable to be out here with the rest of us naked newbown kittens.
Eric has made many many good points in his post: there was no good way for him to leave. this will be a good thing for you in the end. to which I want to add: your ex couldn’t BUT leave in a good way for you - because with him leaving the farm, you are now again closer to reality, another big big unconscius wish has been made conscious and exposed, and you can start healing the gash it’s left in you. that hurts, very much, i understand - but it’s a good thing for you in the long run.
what I also hear is: you have your farm now. there are trees that need cutting. and grass. and probably a million other things. you can make a home there (given the financials chekc out which I am sure is another big headache - but symbolically: you can give yourself what you need there, a home, comfort, work, love).
sending so much strength and warmth. 
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@erntedank and @Faugxh I am sending you both massive hugs for all these break up feelings. I enjoy the re-discovery phase of break ups where you get to re-discover all the things you lost being in a couple but that heartbreak is a bitch.
My husband and I brought up the break up topic tonight. He is drunk again and not the fun “I love you man” drunk. This is the hopeless, sad, depressed drunk. We both agree that we love our together but would be okay apart too. Sometimes I want my freedom and sometimes I want my guy. 
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Hi Em, thank you, I take the hug!
It wasn’t the topic of the post but I can happily report that I have had many pleasureful experiences and happy moments of growing, becoming more independent, regaining lost abilities, feelings, possibilities since my breakup. I was forced to live extremely closeted sexually with my ex - SAs often have the secret acting out/partnered sexual anorexia dichotomy. I felt like a neutered plant and I blamed myself for it too. I since then have had the joy of feeling like a woman. I am growing into my body and feel at home inside myself a lot more. dysmorphias and self hate are still present at times, but take a back seat. I feel more self-reliable. I have gained freedom and confidence. I deal with my daily struggles by myself and don’t rely on the fantasy of our romance to make up for life’s hardships. I manage to reguate on my own ups and downs best I can, look after myself, best I can. it’s not been a steady path, but it’s been rewarding. still learning. :-*
EDIT it sounds like your relationship w your man is pretty adult, if you’d both be ok without each other and can say so. I knew for the longest time as much as I loved my partner, as dependent was I on him. and I also always thought in the back of my head that one day i’d have to sort out that dependency issue …
does you husband wish to get sober?
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Thank you all so much for your support.
After a long sleep without dreams I’m feeling better today.
Yes, this definitely is the next step to close this chapter in my life and let go of illusions and fantasizing. Ripping off the band-aid is a very good picture. Now the reason to be on the farm (or not!!!) must lie in myself, he is no longer a reason to do or refrain from things and issues. But first a pause to sort myself.
I love this, this is so me
I’m so grateful that I’m not alone and that you share your experiences and wisdom means so much to me, to hear that life will be brighter and the heartache, resentments, exhaustion and disillusion will be over and gone once. I do what I’ve done for more than a year: one step after the other, babysteps. I’ve been doing good recently. My psychiatrist told me today that I’m doing good and urged me to take life easy, keep my emotions moderate, avoid fussing and be kind to myself. A good cry now and then letting emotions out. In a few weeks I will feel settled again, this IS a huge step towards accepting reality and building my life anew.
I’m grateful I woke up very early, well rested (swollen face from crying) and did office work. It feels good to tick off items from the to do list. I put “thinking about the ex” on it, maybe that’s an additional help 
The furballs cuddle with me all day, there’s a lot of love in my life.
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Thank you for this very well written reply @Faugxh. I think I am guilty of skimming the previous post that I replied to in order to be able to get my drama out. Apologies.
I don’t know if he wants to get sober. Time (and actions) will tell but he hasn’t previously expressed interest. It is just now coming up as an option as he nears a milestone birthday and apparently, melts down every night about it. Either way I am eternally grateful that I have this supportive community to talk everything through to. Your post will have me pondering anxiety vs dependence all day.
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Thank you Eric, this quote was what I needed to surrender. It IS too much. I regained some self- esteem and self-confidence during the last half year. I got so much done and sorted. Yet a lot more to go but not now and not alone. I’m so grateful I am able to put down what is too much and leave it to the universe to show me how to cope. This faith and attitude helps me more than I can express. Sending you hugs 
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