I really appreciate this thread, and the gift of time. I feel a lot calmer now that I have accepted the fact that my sister’s life is her own and I have 0 control over it (nor should I). Even though I want the best for her and I get scared about what could happen, I understand that this anxiety is causing me grief and pain. Acceptance is hard but I get why it’s necessary. It really does bring ease. I will always hope and want but I will continue to try and let go of the expectations I have of others. I am human and far from perfect, just like my sister and everybody else. I’m going to remind myself to chose love rather than fear. 
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Hi everyone, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. Last time I checked in here I spoke about my brother who is still in active addiction and my parents enabling him and when I was in active addiction I was tossed aside and had no support from my Mom. I finally spoke up to my Mom because of the fact that we were all moving home and he also stays with my parents sometimes. I had to let her know that how bad it hurt me that she just lets him off so easy. She explained through her eyes. My brother is very mentally unstable and she fears he will take his own life. I totally get that, I really do but that’s no reason not to call him out on his bs. She agreed and did have a talk with him because she found paraphernalia in his room the last time he was here. I continue to pray my brother finds his way out of this awful addiction.
My Mom and have had a way better relationship now. I think with me getting so sick kinda scared her so now she is always checking on me and it’s easier living here now because of that. I guess I should’ve spoke up sooner but I’m sure not going to dwell on that I know where that rabbit hole leads…lol.
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That’s awesome to hear. I had to have a big conversation with my mom during my divorce 13 years ago. I had to be done with that resentment. Our relationship kept getting better and better after that. I hope it’s the same for you and your mom.
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I fell in love with another addict.
I met a girl and she was sober. Not typical to meet someone my age who doesn’t drink. We clicked and became friends instantly. Coming from similar upbringings and trauma I felt safe. We talked about everything. We started dating. Just before her year she went out and relapsed. I know plenty of people relapse and I could be a support system. She was not ready to be sober again. Okay I thought. You have to choose sobriety I can’t choose it for her. Long story short she has spiraled, quickly. I became the little savior I have always been. Trying to be there for her at the expense of my own needs. She has become mean at times and careless of my own emotional needs. I see her disappearing and me desperately hoping she chooses life. I see what it happening because I have been there too. I feel lost and scared. My friends are worried about me- saying I don’t seem like me anymore. I feel like me. But the weight of being with someone in active addiction is something I feel heavily. I feel alone
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Just because you feel it, doesnt mean its true.
Call me. 
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Hey Callie.
Sorry to read about you falling in love with another addict. That’s a hard spot to be in. And I’m thinking again 
I keep reading and hearing stories in Al-Anon about people that continuously fall in love or attract addicts. There’s a pattern there that’s apparently hard for people to break. I’m sure this doesn’t help you. But…….
I’m glad you came in an posted. I hope that it helped.
For what’s it’s worth.
Miss you.
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I truly thought that being with another addict ( in recovery) would be something we could understand and heal from alongside each other.
I think we all want to be understood and seen, but are all in different places in our healing journey. I think my understanding and empathy around addiction has made me accept treatment I know I don’t deserve. When you fall in love with someone and they are suffering- I know that I can not fix it but only be there for her. I am able to love and accept her for who she is right now. But I feel my own mental and emotional wellness and safety is suffering to hold space for her. I know that she is not in a place to hold space for me. It hurts and it’s complicated to understand it as an addict.
I miss you too, thank you as always for sharing your thoughts 
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Totally understandable. I was so scared when my daughter fell in love with her addict. But for the opposite reason. Suppose one makes the other relapse. I’ve learned a lot since then. Thank God they have not relapsed and turned to drugs again. I guess you just never know how it going to turn out.
I’ve posted it before. But I’m really enjoying Discovering Choices. It’s an Al-Anon book. But it’s mostly real stories and this situation is in there a lot. Maybe not where they are both addicts. But a codependent and addict relationship which happens a lot.
I’m finding the Al-Anon meetings I’m going too. And currently I’m going to a lot of them 
are helping me so much with my sobriety and my codependency with my problem drinker. I find serenity just walking into the rooms. Even if I just show up for spite 
Just listening and knowing I’m not alone is valuable.
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I think it may all boil down to where each human is in their journey, communication, and feeling safe.
I have started to feel unsafe and our communication is suffering the more she drinks. It’s hard to accept when someone is not ready or not able to heal. You think If I just try harder, love them harder, give them more time, more, more- I know it is not the case. But when you are inside it, it’s hard to accept that. You can only love someone for who they are, not who you want them to be or know they can be. Where I am getting hurt is not taking care of my own needs or boundaries in the process. I think I need to work on this part right now, as much as I want to be there for her.
The book you suggested sounds really helpful. I’m going to get it 
Thank goodness for Amazon
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I hear ya 
on everything.
So hard to constantly put that to practice every day when you live with it. But I’m getting there.
I hope you will too.
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heavy sigh. but grateful acceptance of this part of my story, and this part of my recovery. 
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Hi y’all, I’m so glad I got noticed so I could find this thread.
I Immediately though of my mother while reading this. You’ve heard me ranting about her the last few days now.
But when I’m started to think a little bit more of it, it’s not only her. My Pa was a heavy drinker too and I’ve never seen my uncle on my mother’s side sober, in my entire life.
Fun thing is that my Ma and my uncle was adopted by a Christian missionary couple (My grandpa and Grandma on Ma’s side) who never ever touched a drip of alcohol,or even went close to anything containing alcohol. And yet they’ve raised two kids that turned out to heavy drinkers.
I’ve never thought of my uncle that way, until my brother Mentioned it two years ago on my Pa’s funeral. Which my uncle showed up to half drunk. Me and my brother had a discussion about it, and my brother asked If I’ve ever seen my uncle sober.
My uncle has always been a really funny and social guy, always played around with us kids, always been the light of our lives. Very happy go lucky,a little spiritual and a deep contrast to my more serious parents.
We always loved him. So I felt like I had to talk to my cousin about it (Actually I have two on my Mother’s side, but the youngest one has cut all ties with my uncle)
And it’s true, he’s never been sober for what we know. My cousin is about my age so the more we though about it, the more we realized that it was just like that. I still like him though, but I’m trying to keep my distance a little bit more now.
He and my Ma has also been teaming up since my father died. Meeting every Friday at my uncle’s or my Ma’s house in the afternoon and goes for a drink which ends up in a drunk race that’s usually going in until Sunday morning if they’re going up early to work in Monday. Or Sunday evening if they start working Monday night.
I’ve always thought that it’s great that they have each other. But Maybe I’m wrong.
Also we take my Ma on vacation every year, usually a weekend. This year she wanted to go to Denmark for a week. So we did. And y’all know how that ended by now. Never again. She was drunk and extremely toxic all week. Not a thing I did was right, and I realized that she’s always been like that. It was a wake up call indeed. But I feel so bad for putting my kids into that mess. And for been putting my kids into that for almost their entire life.
Luckily it’s not to late to change.
Here in Sweden we usually have 5 weeks of paid vacation. My mother has three weeks left, she’s been drinking ever since we where in Denmark, amd she has called me three times already being drunk and mean.
I know I need to cut with her, and I have at least a two years plan. Because I need to be able to either move or buy my own house.
Not done yet unfortunately. I seem to be surrounded with people who have problems, Remember my childhood friend? Who’s been on and off with drugs? He’s been off for a while, I did cut contact with him, but then we had a coffee and he seemed to do so well.
But a few weeks ago he kept asking me for alcohol, yesterday again. And he got mad when I said now. So now I’ve told him that I don’t want him to contact me again. Ever.
A hard hit with that guy once again. But I feel so done with everyone’s mess.
My husband’s best friend, who I’ve also been talking about earlier is a gambling addict. He called yesterday and has been evicted again because he gambles away all his money. We’ve saved him by letting him stay here before. This time I said No. I’m done. So done. I’m not going to save anyone but myself this time.
I feel bad for it. I also feel bad for not really giving a shit about Ma either. I don’t want to save her, I don’t care if she stops drinking. I just want my own sobriety,peace and quiet without her being toxic and putting me down.
I’ll keep contact with my Aunt on my Pa’s side. She doesn’t drink,at all. Not her husband either. No one in my family (My Ma,uncle,siblings) likes her, because she’s “So proper and uptight”
I’ve always loved being around her, and being a part of that family. No mess, everything is planned and in order, and there’s no shame buying expensive brands for clothes or home decoration. And nothing is centered around alcohol.
Now I know why I’ve always liked to be there.
I also talked to her about Ma when we got back home from Denmark, she simply said “I know, and I understand, I’m sorry” and that was it.
Not sure that all the messy and addicted people around me affect me so much this time. More than making me more determined that I’m going to make this. And more determined that I’m going to cut them out of my life and create something new, something calm and peaceful.
That’s all for now.
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I’m so thankful that I ran across this. To be honest that’s the main reason that I’m back after 3 year’s clean and sober. I knew if I needed resources and support I’d find it on here somewhere. I have a couple very close loved one’s who are addicted. Living with Narcan in my bathroom cabinet and spending day’s in ICU with a loved one who has OD is something that I never thought I’d ever have to do. I can help myself but I’m struggling hard to cope and to be of any help to them. Thank you for posting this .
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Boundaries
Anyone want to join in feel free.
Hey Faugxh 
Boundaries Blow!
But I guess we need them.
I suck at them.
I can make them. Over think them. I can try to enforce them. But it doesn’t always work. Then I get down on myself.
So the day we were flying with a 5 hour delay at our home airport. She wanted to get a drink. We had already had lunch in a nice restaurant and of course she had already had wine. She was getting pretty pissed off at the airlines. And I’m all sober and calm like…… “they’re doing the best they can.” That doesn’t always go over well. But it’s a new thought process, (thanks Brené Brown.) anyway finally she says let’s go to a bar. I simply said I don’t want to. After some minor banter back and forth mostly from her end she left and found a bar all by herself.
With a 5 hour delay she ended up doing this 2 more times. And I just stuck with “I don’t want too.” Especially by the 3rd trip to the bar. No way I wanted to go. I was pretty proud of myself. This has never happened in 40 years. I mean we always go to the bar together. Always! I was also proud of her. I cannot believe she went off alone to a bar. Good for her! Who am I now 
When it finally came time to board the 3rd time and we were going to take off we were both, to my surprise, civil to each other. Albeit she was a bit tipsy. Very tipsy 
But we were both civil. I was a little worried about back lash from making her go alone. But I wasn’t MAKING her do anything. No sir! She made herself go to the bar.
So…… I cannot make a blanket statement that when we travel. And we travel a lot. I am not going into bars with you. That doesn’t seem to work for me. Or either of us. So I guess I’m learning to make boundaries on the fly. As needed.
Another boundary I cannot keep is if we go out to lunch and she drinks wine then I am not going out to dinner with her. It sounds easy. Yes. We go out to eat way too fucking much. That’s just our life style. But it isn’t always easy. If I wasn’t planning on cooking and there isn’t food for me to cook in the house and we planned to go out 2 dinner that’s the plan. But if we did an unplanned lunch at the last moment and she has 2 glasses of wine I cannot stick to that hard fast rule. Because I’m the one that has to pull a dinner together. Cook. Clean etc…… yes I could just have a bowl of cereal or an egg. But we don’t do that. It’s not they way we live. Yet. Maybe soon. I’ll have to go buy some cereal. Soon.
Cocktails at dinner I have made a firm boundary. I don’t FEEL comfortable if you have cocktails at dinner. So I don’t want to go if your thinking about having cocktails. She got me twice in a year now. No 3 times. And all three times she’s either passed out or fell asleep at the theatre. And I don’t care if she falls asleep at the theatre for the first half. A little bit of spite on my part. But that 3rd time she was going to have margaritas with our Mexican food. I said “That trick never works!” She said just one. 
I kept my laughing inside. And I just said “see you tomorrow.” I don’t know if those were Al-Anon approved phrases but it worked and she just had wine. And I didn’t ask why or anything.
So that’s what I got to share.
Hard fast blanket boundaries are hard for me to keep. But when I’m in an uncomfortable situation I have to go with how I feel and remove myself from it.
I’m learning.
And I keep thinking
How Important Is It?
I hope this might help.
Any one else want to join in on THEIR boundaries please share If your willing.
Or better yet someone start a thread about boundaries. I’m tired.
Edit @Faugxh
I think it’s funny you saw my boundaries meme today. I almost tagged you in it.
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This is beautiful Daze! I think on the fly boundaries are incredibly strong. Not only are you speaking up for yourself but you are listening to yourself to know when to pivot. It sounds like you both got what you wanted here.
My husband used to say “see you tomorrow” to me when I decided that it was a good day for martinis or Rumple Minze. Man that used to piss me off; from what I remember of the evening I always passed out early those nights. He was usually pretty spot on with his assessment of my drinking progression. Good riddance to bad medicine.
Keep up the good work! I’m mulling over a situation that is either a boundary or plain old avoidance. My Mother and I have never had very honest conversations. I think back to a time when I asked her for financial help (through tears) so I could get therapy for my lifelong intermittent depression. Her response was “your father and I are disappointed in you”. I left. And sobbed in the car. And learned not to go to her for help or emotional support.
This was 15 years ago and since then we talk about weather and pets and the lives of my friends. Nothing important, nothing serious. I’ve handled my depression, I’ve embraced my sobriety and my life long intimacy issues from being told that men are horrible and that I’m trying to turn on my father or my brother if I dress a certain way and that if something bad were to happen to me I would have deserved it because of the way I was dressed, usually a shirt that dared to show a collarbone😱. This emoji was an accident but also apt so he stays.
My Dad died 3 years ago and she is all alone. My sisters visit, my brothers call and I avoid an 80 year old woman. She was sweet to me as a child but puberty wrecked us. When I talk to her on the phone I sob quietly while she talks. I don’t think she knows. When I last visited for her 80th birthday she and her sister were rolling their eyes at my cousin meeting her new guy in “rehab” (AA) until I countered with “she is sober and that is all we want yes?”
I’ve been to therapy, obviously not enough. I am happy in life except for the guilt I feel about abandoning my Mom. I don’t know where I’m going with this but it felt good to type. Thanks for talking and thanks for listening. I should not have delved into this on my dinner break at work. 
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Oh Emilie
Hugs my friend. I am sorry and want to comfort the inner Emilie.
You have overcome so much and become a stronger healthier you.
Grateful that you shared this with us. Hope it lightened your heart a little. Much love my dear friend
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I totally understand this. My mom and i just don’t see things the same way. She accused me of drinking, on Facebook no less. This was about 2 years ago. This really damaged our relationship. We barely speak, if at all. Our relationship has become toxic. My whole life my relationship with my mom has been toxic.
So i set boundaries and that is one thing my mom does respect.
It’s hard but hey, i don’t have any regrets setting my boundaries
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I’m so sorry. That’s tough. Hugs.
From what I see in your post, it’s a healthy choice to keep your mom at a distance. She has her own issues that she prolly hasn’t dealt with. Hurt people hurt people. Vulnerable people can embrace vulnerable people.
One would want to have a mom as a confidant, like the Golden Girls opening theme. My mom is not. It hurts and it makes me sad to my very core. She could handle her infant children but not her teenaged / adult children.
Therapy has helped but it’s an ongoing process to let go off my expectations towards her. I’m learning to allow her to be who she is and not who I want her to be. I’ve forgiven her that she wasn’t able to love me (like I would have needed to be loved) and that she will prolly never be able to. I try to focuse on things I’m grateful about mom.
It’s not easy but practising forgiveness and gratitude are the only way I’ve been able to cut the cord and love my mom. I can have her in my life and care about her but she is not a confidant. She has a tendency towards guilt-tripping and codependency so boundaries are needed.
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It did Jazzy. Part of me wanted to delete the app and pretend I never said anything and the wiser part of me is aware that sharing pain lessens it. You are a true friend.
I think my absence might be my boundary. Our superficial conversations continue the hurt of not knowing or trusting her with anything important so it is easier to stay away. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Thank you Olivia. This is it perfectly. I hope to work to get to where you are in your relationship with your Mom. For now I’ll work on healing me.
This platform is the best. Thanks guys.
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