Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

That sounds dangerous. Are you safe? I’m sorry you are going through this. Please first and foremost keep yourself and your sobriety safe. The guilt trip can fuck right off, people under the influence are not acting or speaking rational. Don’t take it personal. When you think the child is in danger consider taking steps to seek help and protection. The hit-and-run driving scares me, she obviously doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.
Sending you strength :people_hugging:


I understand what your saying. Im also sorry you were in that situation also.
I think what im trying to get as is. Yes they have this addiction/disease and thats their problem not mine and visa versa.
If my mum was out of it drunk, knocking shots, getting aggressive, hugley hungover. Or talking about alcohol, a session, anything. It wouldnt of bothered me. Its her life and dont expect people to be different around me cause i chose differently. Life is still life and people will still be people. I just didnt expect her to repeatedly offer me alcohol, its like sabotage.
Its like the difference of your mother talking about diets or triggering topics and then physically getting out tape measures and diet plans. Theres a limit to me which is acceptable. And if a mate offered me a drink during rounds i wouldnt be offended or uncomfortable. There trying to be inclusive to me and id just order a coke. Its the fact she knows better than to try drag me back in. She can be an alcoholic. Dont try to make me one too.


Unfortunately this is what alcoholics do. They don’t want to be around sober people because it makes their alcoholism that much more visible to others AND themselves. It’s so unfortunate.


Yes, I’m safe. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple days.


Have you called Child Protective Services? It would keep the child safe and it might push her to start getting clean.


I’m sorry your friend is in such a bad place. Addiction is a disease that consumes everything, even family.

I second @Matt. Get the authorities involved for the sake of the child.


I don’t think I could expect an addict to “know better.” Even if it was my mom.

Definitely sorry you are going through this with your mom.

What helps me with my alcoholic wife is getting rid of the word “should”.

And of course expectations lead to resentments.

I got to
It’s the addictive brain and it’s a disease that affects the whole family.

All easier said than done. That’s why I go to Al-Anon meetings.


They’re already involved. Someone went to the police station & reported her driving drunk with her baby. She’s not allowed unsupervised contact with her child. If I found out she was driving drunk with her child, I would most certainly call the police. I’d rather have an extremely pissed off friend than a dead child.


Someone already did this. She has already lost custody. She sees her daughter, but never unsupervised. None of this was enough to get her to stop doing a thing. It just made her become more sneaky.


She does, we just happened to be in the car. She also asks to weigh me, constantly talks about what I look like and many other unhelpful things. Like i said, i can relate.


I’ve heard many stories like this in Al-Anon. It’s so sad. Such a destructive family disease. And so awful when children are involved. We feel so helpless. Because we are.


That is sad. It’s a vicious disease. Sending you strength and a friendly hug :people_hugging:


I learned this last night at an impromptu Saturday night online Al-Anon meeting.

I actually think I’ve heard it before. Since it was exactly what I needed and exactly kinda what I did yesterday, it felt new to me.

I’m going to bump it up to 10G’s
Cuz I don’t have enough God I’m my life currently.
God…help me Get off their back.
God…help me Get out of their way.
God…help me Give them to you.
God…help me Get to a meeting.
God…help me Get on with my life. And help me figure out what that is.

It works if you work it.
I’m worth it.


For me, this is the most beautiful part of that. Discovering yourself for what may be the very first time, I cant wait to be a witness to it. :heart:


I want to chew on a beautiful statement here that hits the point for me today, thank you so much Em :pray:

This I noticed several times in the last weeks. It’s like a sneaky silent poison creeping in my soul. First I thought I chew on letting go the past with my ex, trying hard to surrender to the fact that he left me emotionally long ago and that I won’t get answers, I will not enjoy him being sober in a life together (if he stays sober after regaining his driver license), that for my desperate longing for connection and love he is the wrong person and our farm where we were happy too is the wrong place.

I caught myself several times reacting with grief and resentment that he is no longer my man, that I am alone. I loved the feeling that we belong together, I was proud of him and us, what we mastered, that we had fun, that we loved each other. I kept this illusion when all went south, when the not so good and exhausting times became more and more, he drank more and more, I bitched more and more.

I found no way up to now how I can get rid of this childisch illusion that everything will be allright if we hug and cuddle and spend time together, I’ll feel loved and have someone I belong to. He fucking doesn’t want to and I’m not 15 anymore. This emotions are deeply unhealthy, they root in my childhood when I felt nobody cared for me or loved me or even listened to me (which is not true, I made peace on this issues with my parents long ago, they both worked hard and did their best, mum was an alcoholic who got dry in my 20s).

I honestly ask myself if the resentments coming up when reading/hearing about people having a good time with their partners are envy, FOMO, really missing something I once shared with my ex or a dawning realization that the good times we had are overly glorified by my yearning to be in a loving good relationship. Me and my fucking codependency.

There’s a long way to go for me before I’ll have solid ground under my feet. I’m grateful I came already a long way in the past 1+ year. I pray for serenity, peace, calm and letting go. I pray for my mind to stop producing what-if scenarios, my life is NOT a movie and I don’t want drama anymore. My mind still can go crazy on drama, maybe it’s bored. Well, I move me and Missi to the office now. My brain will be occupied for the next hours and hopefully shut up with nonsense wishing drama blabla like my ex wecoming me back at our farm. Sometimes I really think I did hard drugs when I have such thoughts and wishful thinking. In Austria we have a saying: “Du hast wohl narrische Schwammerl gegessen.” Assumes that someone ate daft = psychedelic = bad mushrooms (to distinguish from a lot of delicious mushrooms for cooking). No yummi mushrooms for me today, only leftovers from yesterday.

I do feel like a doofus writing this down but something inside tells me it’s healthy to put it out as embarrassing as it is. TS is a safe place to come to. I’m grateful for this opportunity to sort my mind and soul a bit :pray:


Oh friend! If I could like your posts 100 times I would! So much of what you write makes so much sense to me. Especially the way we go from one mental place to another to another and then another. World travelers when it comes to our mental and emotional landscapes!

I hear you. It would be so easy if George Clooney came home every night with ice cream and flowers. He’d raise half an eyebrow, instantly sensing something is off with me, “Babe, you ok?” but no need to ask, as we would be so deeply connected we already know each other’s thoughts. He’d respond perfectly. I would never have anything to apologize for, as I too would be perfect for him.

Hollywood never did us any fucking favours, did it… :smirk: And boy, in the language of Recovery Dharma, am I ever creating my own suffering holding on to a picture like that!

Truth is, I am human, and flawed, and despite all of this, I know and learn every day, worthy of love. First and foremost, mine. Hell, I know that out-sourcing that job to others doesn’t work. And nor does treating it like a chore. It’s not a chore.

I love how @Callie99 put it:

You are not a doofus! You are a well-loved Gratidude, by me no less than the others, and we will navigate this stuff together. That’s what I love about recovery. There’s always another layer and something else to rediscover about oneself. So much renewal.

And hopefully not so much derailment! It’s related, I think!

Grateful for this exchange. :pray: :orange_heart:


I do this things unconsciously with my wife



Thanks for this honest share. I see nothing unusual, wrong, weak with your feelings and I can relate to most of it. Separation after great love is hard. I feel the pressure to move on and get out there and whatnot. But these things are messy and there’s back and forth internally, emotions not done being felt, voices still needing to be heard. As you describe. I would say, sit with that, allow it to be there, stop scolding yourself for it.
One thing I’d like to add is: just because you know that your parents worked hard and did their honest best, that does not mean that it either couldn’t still feel like too little love or actually have been too little love or both. Good intentions don’t prevent from negative outcomes. That’s what’s so sneaky about neglect. It’s not active aggression or harming, but the consequences persist.

You’re doing good. Love is hard, in/dependence is hard to learn, especially when you’ve been burnt to a crisp in your childhood home (me too).

@Its_me_Stella your mom talking about weighing you is plain horrifying knowing your story. I understsnd you’re practicing the principles of alanon and all power to you. I also immediately get the idea tho that there should be a boundary when it came to my body if I were in your shoes. Not trying to tell you how to live your life. Just wanting to reflect back to you how transgressive this feels to me, just reading the incident.

Much love guys.


I’ve recently had to go no contact with my parents because of their enabling of my addict brother. It was incredibly hard but they would always defend him, even when he’s violent towards me and my kids. Enough is enough for me but incredibly hard to actually do. I noticed my biggest triggers to use were around my parents and THEIR family so for now I’ve taken myself out of the drama loop. Sounds to me that for your sobriety it might help to detach a bit even if temporarily (look up: mother wound, scapegoat/ Golden Child, triangulation, and enmeshment). Sending peace your way.


Thank you for sharing this Eric! I needed to see/read it!