Grateful that you listened to the wiser part of you and didn’t delete. Thank you for letting us in and allowing us to carry a bit of this for you.
I know family isn’t always who you are born into but sometimes what you create. I do hope that we can be your virtual family. 
Hope your work schedule has lightened so you get some time for yourself!
Hi @Dazercat and thanks for the inspiring post! I think a specialty about your kind of boundaries is that they require you to judge your dis/comfort or dis/agreement on the spot. if you are codependently nervous or anxious to piss your partner off or are not able to feel your own feelings in stressful situations, as I am habitually (tho getting better w it), this would be undoable. so, the fact that you can do these is a big testament to your ability to tap into your needs in situ. i think that’s fantastic.
@TrustyBird i am so glad you didn’t delete this. I can relate a lot to your story. I can’t remember one clear instance of my mother being sweet to me as a kid. she must have been, sometimes. surely, sometimes. but i remember the constant silent treatment. the blaming us for her bad life and marriage. the fear I had of her as a child. by the time I was a teen I was constantly jumping from loud noises, always expecting fights to break out between my parents. the deep distrust that has been between us since puberty. my mother angrily put me on the pill when I had my first boyfriend, no talk on whether or not I was sexually active or wanted to be. she took me to the gynecologist for the first time not telling me anything about what would happen there, what the examination would entail. I was horrified. it was humilating and felt like punishment to me. to this day I distrust and secretly hate all doctors, especially my poor gyn, and I hate going and neglect my health somewhat.
my mother has been secretly or openly, more or less negative re anything I have ever wanted my entire life. I recently made the choice to not move but to commute to my new university - for a degree for which I was chosen based on writing I had to send in, for which I
was not praised and which is never mentioned in my family. it took me a long time to arrive at this decision and it was hard, I felt like I should “be able to” change my life completely, change everything, leave my life here behind, but I could not, did not want to. my mother has not said a single thing about this degree and the opportunity it presents. but she found occasion to express her opinion that it would be been better had I moved there. another disappointment in her eyes.
we have never talked about my drinking or sobriety, I am four years sober soon. it’s not true I ever had a problem, in my families eyes, of if I did, I definitely got that after I left the home, before that I was fine. (started drinking wine by myself at home and throwing it up in the one bathroom we had, weekly, so)
or about the fact I was deeply mentally ill for a long time. I get it, it would bring up too much pain for them to have to ask themselves: what went wrong. so they don’t ask themselves and they don’t ask me and I’m like the embarrassing secret of the family, I feel at times. (I am very awesome so it’s really ridiculous I should be anyone’s embarrassing secret, so, yeah)
two weeks ago when I visited for my BILs bday my mother did not greet me but stared at me from another room w a look of utter disgust on her face. this is not the first time this happened. but the first time I let myself consciously perceive it, put it into words and tell other ppl about it. it hurt.
there is stigma re not getting on w your mother. I have always felt like I need to do right by her and the struggle has been such an unhappy one for me. I have heard countless times that I don’t belong. that I am too different. at 14 I was already argueing that love has to be sth that overcomes ppl being different - aren’t all ppl different and seperate from another? why do I have to feel like I constantly need to make up to her for the way I am?
I have since decided that I wanna stop running after her and her approval. my therapist has been urging me to let go of this hope, start grieving that it will not happen.
my father, out of codependent guilt that “you don’t get on w your mother and she’s sad about it” is too frightened and too emotionally stunted himself to have a relationship w me. so there really is no one.
my sister is like my mother, 2.0. they get on fine, obvs.
there is my Dad’s bday coming up this weekend. I had decided not to go. I was not happy w this decision. I am also not happy going. he does not deserve to think that I don’t care. on the other hand, there is no way to explain to any of them how it makes me feel to constantly feel like the outsider, the one who has to beg to be allowed to sit at the table. the one no one needs to ask any questions and who everyone can be shitty to, even my BIL makes bad jokes about me. cos I’ll always come back, anyway.
there’ll be another couple there who is just as judgemental and small minded. I don’t want to have to explain my life decisions or anything to them. my dad would not understand me not coming. it would be a case of “you’re being a drama queen as usual.”
so, I don’t know yet in what respect I will be able to keep my boundary, really. I would like it if I was able to go for an hr or two and just pretend to be a regular guest and leave again. not even involve myself in the drama. but my grandma is going to cry if I don’t stay over night. and I’m going to feel bad afterwards, 95%.
jeez. now I am thinking of deleting this. I won’t. I will plan ahead thinking of going for a fw hrs only, thinking that maybe I have changed enough by now to feel less terrible afterwards. and if shit gets to bad beforehand, I will not go.
sorry for the ramble. as you can see, boundaries and my emotional independence from my family are a work in progress! but that much is true, I am making progress, it’s more than just pure pain and confusion at this point, there is definitely a direction I am going in.
wish me luck. and thanks for sharing, again, everyone!
I’m sorry it’s so shitty. It’s almost unbelievable how dysfunctional your family seems to be. It’s not right you’re being excluded and gaslighted like that.
Could you imagine developing a relationship with your dad without your mom? Like taking him out for a cup of coffee just the two of you? I wonder if he’d keep up the appearances even she is not present.
Good that you have some boundaries in place.
Well now I’m really glad I didn’t delete the app and move out of the country. We seem to be kindred spirits in this. I am realizing with my 17 months sober that I need to heal this relationship to progress in life. I don’t think that will mean nestling up to my mother on the couch while we sip cocoa and talk about our lives. I don’t know what it means but it’s time for me to heal.
My Mom is lonely and tries to be kind. It’s hard to be in a relationship where one party knows nothing about the other. I keep it that way rather than suffering cruel advice which usually ends with “he’s probably cheating on you”. My Mom acts out of fear and a cruel upbringing during the depression where boys get everything and girls are nothing. It is no surprise that my two brothers have children, my sisters and I chose not to.
It is funny that even in re-reading this I can see myself defending her. As a young child I knew how hard she was trying and could see the reasons for her unkindness and would cry when ever anyone said anything unkind about her.
Maybe I start to heal by helping. The things that happened to you are familiar and not okay. This statement is familiar to me.
About 10 years ago I told my parents that I would no longer respond to guilt and shame as a motivating factor to see them. Consequently we saw each other much less.
This is true and I’m glad (pardon the pun) it’s apparent. I think these struggles have given us empathy and kindness and a pretty strong sense of self. I feel the same. How long do you have to decide on the party? Maybe you don’t go and have an evening where you are kind to yourself. Maybe you do go and you ignore or fight.
I would love to continue these discussions and I think we are moving in a different direction than the intent of the thread @moderators please move if you think that is appropriate. Stay with me @Faugxh let’s chat this out. Sending you splendid sober day wishes for now. And healing. 
Happy to answer tomorrow again as it’s getting late here, just this much:
I consider my parents codependents, rageaholics and food addicts. It’s not quite right to diagnose others but I see myself as an ACoA, and you are too, by the looks of it, so I think we can stay on this thread! 
Thanks for your kind words and I look forward to exchange more on this. Ditto @Olivia x
@Dazercat Eric, as it is your thread I very happy to see boundary discussion included.
I send hugs to you all and admire how you are working on your boundaries.
Boundaries … I have been working on mine recently a lot with my ex.
Two different situations.
We, or maybe just I??? were able to come to agreements mutually. I accepted his suggestion partly and claimed that my desire to settle issues NOT like he wanted it to go is respected. It worked. It was the first time in our entire relationship that my needs were respected and he did not just what he wanted knowing it’s not ok for me. I shared about it on the gratitude thread. Because I am grateful.
Maybe it’s the time passed, maybe the distance, maybe the work I put in myself. Boundaries are for me, only for me. Since this clicked I feel stable and centered. I somehow lost a bit of resentments. It’s not that I don’t care about what he wants (or not wants in our case), it’s about expressing my needs and boundaries clear and transparent. Is he annoyed? yes. Does he feel under pressure? He says so but Ithink it’s just uncomfortable as he has other priorities and is forced to deal with mine. Do I give a shit? Definitely no.
I saw that little victories in boundary up for myself have an impact. I appreciate it. It helps me to focus on solutions and let go of bad, sad experiences.
I give credit to the group therapy to help me in developing healthier approaches. Being aware of the necessity and working on boundaries feels healthy for me. I see progress. I learn to say NO and look for alternatives.
I’m not sure if this post makes much sense. I want to express that working on boundaries however they look like in a situation, is healthy. For me discovered that it is a kind of taking care of myself in a reflected, loving way. And nobody has to understand, I don’t justify myself, I take a stand and see what happens. I always can leave, stop and say no when I’m not comfortable, leave the situation and come back to talk the next day. It worked well this way for me and gave me confidence to stay on this path.
Lighting a candle for all of us. When it comes to boundaries, we are our own light 
Hey guys 
I think we are all on the right thread here.
@moderators
I started this for everyone that’s been effected by an addict. I can’t believe there’s anyone in the world that’s not been affected by an addict.
I appreciate everyone’s shares. Let it all out. The good the bad the boundaries. What works what doesn’t.
@Faugxh
@erntedank
@Olivia
I hear this story about mothers a lot in the meetings I go to. I don’t have that experience and so I don’t comment on it. My mother was too loving. Over doing it if you will. Fucking smothering! Sorry mom. She wasn’t an alcoholic but her father. My grandad, that I loved so much when I was younger. Boy he spoiled me rotten. I didn’t know when I was a child how his behavior affected my mom. So I guess I was brought up as a child of a codependent and Mom did try and control me a lot. I look back now and I reckon it was because she couldn’t control any of her situation growing up at home with a raging alcoholic in the house. But she loved me and cared for me. Sure she pulled the guilt trip on me to perfection many many times to manipulate me. Oh and she could cry. Guilt trip with tears. She was an artist.
But the stories I hear from you @Faugxh @TrustyBird, I’m going to drag you in here to Delia hope you don’t mind, @Deelzebub
These stories I hear you ladies telling me is very common at some of my meetings. It’s very sad. It’s awful. I never know what to say. I just listen. Listening is doing something. I hope y’all can figure out your boundaries as I do on the fly. Or how ever I’m doing it. Or whatever works for you.
When I draw a boundary I know I’m not “making” my wife do anything. It’s her choice to go off to a bar alone. I didn’t make her go to that bar alone. Not the best example but most recent. The thing is I haven’t given up on this boundary shit and when it’s working we are more civil together. So something is working.
Back to my mom……
I remember as my mother got older and was starting to loose her mind and even just before that. When I’d go visit I wouldn’t give her much notice. I use to plan my trips up there way in advance. And I’d always get the why aren’t you staying longer. Why can’t you come sooner. Why can’t you stay with us. I always stayed in a hotel. That was my boundary. No way was I sleeping at that house. Different reasons. But I need my space at night. And alone time coffee in the morning. But near the end it was like. I’ll be in town Saturday for a few days. See you then. It was a bit of a shock to her. But I had to do it that way for my own piece of mind. Anyway…… now I don’t know where I’m going.
But you ladies aren’t alone. I’m glad you all feel comfortable to share here on Our Thread
Boundaries are hard it takes work. One thing I’m trying to do is when I let a boundary slip or not enforce it. I try not to beat myself up over it. Some times thinking 
How important is it? Goes a long way.
Thanks for all your support and compliments it’s a pleasure learning from you all.
Funny thing, my Mom was not a drinker. I saw a therapist for a while who could not believe that my Mom wasn’t an alcoholic. She wasn’t raised by alcoholics either. Just a special mix of different.
I forget how much thinking about this stuff does my head in. I’m at work and have already made 3 minor mistakes. I’m here and I’m happy to chat whenever. Ditto on the @Olivia tag. I bookmarked your comment about your current relationship with your Mom as something to aspire to.
Thank you so much Eric. For your sharing. For being YOU.
My late mum was an alcoholic and it had many impacts on many pieces, terms and issues of my life. Thank you all for bringing up the discussion. I will read and I’m grateful to be welcome in reading. Thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone
@Faugxh Much love my friend - I am so sorry to read this and want to soothe your inner child for all the hurt caused by your family.
Hell yeah you are awesome and should never be made to feel like anyone embarrassing secret!
You should be super proud of yourself for finding sobriety and sticking to it for about to be 4 years
HEY CONGRATS on pursuing your degree and we are praising you for your amazing achievement!
Know that whatever you decide - if you do or don’t attend your fathers bday - you don’t owe anyone anything. I am sorry that you don’t have a good family support system - do know you have a virtual support system here. I am so grateful that you let that all out and did not delete your post.
We can never really know from where and how some personalities are formed. Grateful that you are seeing it as something toxic for your well being and are able to work on setting up boundaries for your own protection.
@Olivia I am so sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother as well. Grateful that your therapy has helped you develop a relationship with your mom and ability to have the boundaries in place for your own health.
@erntedank Much love my friend - i know that the hurt and pain caused by someone doesn’t go away when they pass - i do hope that you are able to heal your emotional wounds.
Much love to all you ladies – wishing you luck in setting up and working within your boundaries.
@dazercat thanks Eric for this lovely thread and opening it up to deal with boundaries. Reading here has helped me find a better coping method with addicts in my life and I am now realizing that boundaries may be a healthy way to make myself feel safe emotionally.
I fekt like this would fit here, we usually say that “blood is thicker than water” but the full phrase actually goes.
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
Which means that the family we choose is often more loyal or better than the family we are born into.
As most of you have seen on my check-in my family and especially my mother is getting a bigger impact on me then I ever thought. I was barley aware of all the issues until recently.
My best friend also reminded me (we’ve been friends for over 20 years) that family was the main reason for me leaving home from the start.
And I’ve realized that since then, I’ve either didn’t give a s**t about them and being under influence. Or tried to be perfect in every way to at least get some approvment and maybe a compliment.
This is the first time I’ve realized that most of them are indeed really toxic and that I shouldn’t give a s**t while being clean and sober.
I’ll keep a good relationship with my brother and his wife, he is also pretty much the only one who speaks with all of our siblings even if he is also getting more and more distanced from our sisters and my Ma. He is also aware about the fact that there’s no point in trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t really care about you. But he wants his young kids to at least know their grandma. My boys are big, they know her and are unfortunately also aware to see her for who he really is.
They definitely got to see that during our vacation together.
I didn’t want to tell them the cold hard truth really,or made them dislike her. So I simply said that it’s sad that she priorities drinking instead of anything else. And that it’s sad that’s she’s having such a bad temper, complaining and yelling about everything.
We also agreed that we can talk to her once in a while but not going on any more trips together. Despite the trip to England this fall, that we’ve already booked and paid for.
Can’t help but feel sorry for her, I’m not sure that she is aware of her own behavior. She’s always been this way, and first now when she’s in her middle 60’s me and my brother has been starting to call her out on it. It always ends with her being mad and gaslighting us. So I’ve stopped,I had enough after our last vacation.
She stills own the house we are living in. She says it’s our house and she doesn’t want anyone else to buy it. So she won’t sell it either. And That’s a little bit of an issue, because that way we need to have contact with her. It’ll take years before we can buy the house for ourselves. If she ever wants to sell.
Hopefully it’ll work out to the best.
At least I don’t feel guilty about needing to live her or stresses about having to buy the house and making it easier for her,like I did before, like I did when my father lived. So she doesn’t have to think about it.
I’ve said to her multiple times that she can sell the house to whoever wants to buy it. But she doesn’t want to. So I feel like it’s her Choice.
Also I’m still a bit upset about all the secrets our parents kept from us during all entire life. The adoptions, out heritage, other siblings, financial issues,my uncle is the only one who tries to talk openly about it, but he is always drunk. The double standards we all was raised in would fit perfectly in a movie or a soap opera, it’s unbelievable.
Wouldn’t say that I’m hurt, or that it’s painful. It’s just annoying. And I’m mad at myself for not seeing everything clearly earlier than this.
I’m also mad at myself for mostly remembering the good things from when my Pa was alive.
And not being able to talk about the bad things in my childhood or in anyone’s for that matter.
Like yesterday when we watched a Spaghetti western.
My husband said we could watch a Bud Spencer, Terrence Hill movie. He thought it was fitting because of our Western theme.
I said we could if he didn’t had bad memories about it. He grow up poor with a lot of abuse. He casually said that he wouldn’t mind watching any of those movies because he wasn’t abused in anyway while watching.
I immediately panicked because I didn’t want to have a discussion about it. And I didn’t want our kids to hear about his bad childhood memories. Or horror stories about abuse.
And while we where watching I realized that Bud Spencer looks a lot like my Pa. And I started to think of all the good memories. Like I didn’t want to remember the bad ones.
Thanks for tagging me @Dazercat . I have, of course been reading this thread with interest and applying it to my own situation.
I’ve been taking a bit of a step back from my parents which has been working well from me. The lease on the family flat is due to be transferred into my name shortly (it has been agreed but the guy that does the paperwork is taking his time) and I no longer have my parents staying in my bedroom overnight. That was a difficult boundary to enforce emotionally for me as the habit had been so entrenched and it really took me acknowledging my own right or need to have my own private, safe space. My mum’s initial response was a bit ‘snotty’ in that she had to have it on her terms (she sent a message saying that Edinburgh no longer had anything of interest to them)
Today is the anniversary of when my younger brother passed away after a fall at home. He was found to have a high level of blood alcohol as well as signs of heart disease and liver cirrhosis . He was only 37. I called my parents to see how they were and I’m glad I did as it was quite a good conversation. Knowing that the boundaries are in place has really helped.
I know you didn’t meant to imply this, rather it’s that stigma of criticising mothers at work that this phrase made me feel a bit paranoid. like i am exagerrating. but I am not. there would be so much more to tell, rather, but what would be the point.
sadly, as much as I’d wish to, no. I have tried so many times in the past to invite him to things or come up w activities for us, he’s just not interested. I love my dad dearly and i know he loves me too, just not in the way that would be enough for him to spend any time w me or enquire about me. once I gave him a dvd of an old movie I wanted to watch w him together that we’d always watched when I was small. he watched it by himself and then didn’t wanna watch it again when I visited for that purpose.
last time I saw him he asked me: how is it going with XZY. - while he simultaneously turned up the volume on the TV, no joke.
he’s also very concerned w shielding my mother from the reality of the consequences of her actions, like any good codependent partner, so he’s putting all the blame on me. my mom is also a workaholic and has been close to burnout for at least a decade (actually recently quit her job and is on sick leave for this reason, it was a loooong time coming) - my dad put a lot of pressure on me many times to “help out” at home or i dont even know how, w my mother’s stress. even tho I don’t live there and have not since '07. he himself does zero of the house work to lighten her load altho he’s home all day.
sadly, I dont see the basis for a good independent relationship given w my dad. it would be my dream to spend time w him and the rare occasions we do, it’s like xmas for me. but I think i need to relent the hope on that front, also. it’s not the xmas wonder moments I would want, it’s a consistent and trusting relationship, and that I cannot have. I need to stop pining for that miracle. let reality shine. I am in the process of doing that. tbh I am still in the phase where I need to acknowledge and start being sad for the reality of my family relationships, hence the confessional nature of these posts of mine on this thread. It still has not sunk in, fully. my therapist has been urging me and leading me to start grieving, to let go of the hope and the always trying agian, and I think I am on the cusp, or let’s say the start of the start of that. that’s also why I feel ever so slightly less terror at the thought of going on saturday. i do wanna go and show my love for my family. and I feel it’ll be a little less terrible because I am a little more independent from their judgement and acceptance than I used to be.
this is extremely inspiring for me. the guilt tripping and shaming, wow, are a huge part of our relationships. especially w my grandma. how did they respond, if I may ask? my family does not seem to grasp at all that it simply feels bad to be constantly made felt guilty. it’s like they do not get this point alone.
yes and no. for me, none of this would be such a big problem if there was not my side of it: I love my parents and grandma and sister. I’ve been after having a relationship with all of them ever since. the efforts are completely one-sided tho they would never be able to see that. if I make a bday cake of choice and bring it out to where they live, no one even feels the need to mention it. if I spoke as rudely to any of them as they often do to me, the relationships would long have been terminated. but I have so far not managed to enforce these boundaries that benefit me, because I so much wanted to be a part and belong. I love being out there in the countryside. I’m a fantastic field worker, animal handler, builder of fences and whatnot and often I feel like I am wasting my life in the city. it’s a very conflicted and dynamic relationship of attraction and repulsion I have to my family and where I come from. my sense of self has been very torn. strong, but very diadic. I have come to the conclusion that I myself need to integrate the different parts of me and forge a life where I can be the different facets that make me me - if other ppl find that too alienating or think that you can’t have it all or don’t want me for that reason, I need to accpet that and let them go. more importantly I need to undo the internalisation of these opinions that leads to my depression: it does not mean that I can’t live the life I want. this, too, has been a long and painful process to me, to realise and to begin to put this into action.
my god. totally, same here. there is fear and there is self-loathing and therefore there is so much envy in my mother. she has her good sides and she does care, but sadly her pain and her envy are so great that nothing remains untouched by these negative forces, at least in our relationship. what I (little) know of my mother’s childhood is horrible. her parents were arseholes (she glorifies them, it’s very cringe). she’s not an evil, just a very broken person, always has been. ppl outside our family do not know, she puts on a massive fake front.
I’ve read and consumed a lot of self-help vids and lit over hte years about this. I seek most help in psychoanalysis but the self help stuff I need that sometimes as a background noise, to feel temporally validated by the buzz that confirms to me: this is a thing, you are not making this shit up (like I say, I am still in the phase where I start to see things for what they are). I started today with this one and so far I find it helpful and supporting, only a few points I did not agree with so far:
https://www.amazon.de/Daughter-Detox-Question-Answer-Book/dp/0578520532
I am going to listen to the initial book, Daughter Detox, too, once it becomes available in my public library.
My Mom locked me out of the house for the first time when I was 10. She said she didn’t remember giving me permission to go anywhere that night and put the chain on the door. I was playing with neighbor kids one street away. Now when I see my friends parenting their tiny 10 year old children a part of me gets mad. That was just the first time and I knew not to knock or ring the bell because my older sister was getting the same treatment too (she was a true teenager and raising hell, I wasn’t). This happened many many times after I became a teen and started acting out but the 10 year old one still hurts. My other sister eventually got that treatment when she displeased but my brothers never did. My mom doesn’t remember doing any of this.
I think that I learned early not to rely on my parents for emotion support. We weren’t close and I always kind of knew that my mom’s emotions weren’t safe. I turned to friends and have always been the most socially motivated. Gratefully I have a group of friends for 20+ plus years, one of them was the friend who started picking me up when I would get locked out of the house.
I was raised Catholic, not that that leads to guilt and shame but they do tend to wield those emotions as tools more often than others. 10ish years ago, before I made my no guilt no shame decree I would get a lot of “we never see you, you never call, you never visit”. My decree was met with quiet, they called less and so did I.
My Dad died in 2020 and my oldest sister physically nursed him through 5 years of strokes and illness prior to his passing. Now my mom is alone and 80. I’ve mentioned to my husband finding a house where we could care for her as she ages. I know that this is a horrible idea. There is a lot of resentment between my sisters who still “help out” a lot. I don’t currently answer calls from my mom. The guilt is still there and it is terrible.
I think my mom probably has (at least) an undiagnosed panic disorder. When I used to come home from visits I was always on high alert. My thoughts become paranoid and I shut the blinds and see coincidences in everything. I am happier without seeing her right now. I would get into her paranoiac thought patterns but there are too many. Everyone is out to hurt her or break the world. I think of her 100 times a day and always with love and the hope that she is doing okay. I’m adding your book to my to be read list and I’m going to sit in meditation with that 10 year old me and hold her hand when she needed me.
@Faugxh
You guys 
I want to grab you all and give you a big (within boundaries 
) hug.
I just CANNOT imagine all that trauma. At such a young impressionable age. Fuck!
We are back in Flagstaff. I’m grateful it’s nice and cool.
Coming back to Flagstaff sets off a pattern of her drinking too much and me getting depressed being stuck in this small tourist town up in the mountains. And it’s just the 2 of us. And Benson and the 4 cats.
I’m trying to cut her some slack since we are back for the first time without Minnie. It sucks. And she’s day drinking. And I start spiraling down the depression hole and looking for my martyr hat. But it’s only been less than 24 hours. The reality is, she’s gonna drink whether the dog is dead or alive.
We always walk the dogs together. Ugh fuck. Dog. Not dogs anymore. 
I usually wait until she’s up and ready to go to walk. But I told her the other day I’m walking Benson at 8. So after tying one on last night she gets up at 7:45 ish. No big deal. And I kept my boundary walking Benson at 8. I almost thought I could (or step in a “should”) wait for her to coffee and wake up but I went out the door at 8. Victory. Small one. But still. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t feel good about leaving her behind. But I wouldn’t have felt good waiting for her. I know she wants to come. She’s told me many times. Maybe she can make it tomorrow. Not my problem.
I was lucky to get to a meeting last night. It sucked. But it was nice to get away from the drink. I got a meeting at noon on Thursdays that I love to go to. Not the meeting. But it gives me the day and chance to figure out what I want to do for me. I can get out around 11:15 go to the meeting and do what I want and get home when I want. Even if it’s just errands. It may not sound like much but……You’ve heard we been together over 40 years. It’s hard for me. We always do EVERYTHING together. Except for sobriety.
So it’s going to be a good day.
#Fuckdepression I’m not having it!
Thanks for listening.
That sucks Eric - i know you don’t want to go on the walk alone but grateful that you made and stuck to your boundaries. You are not doing this out of spite or to her your wife but rather to make sure you don’t get hurt with the cycle. Hopefully the two of you can do the walk together tomorrow.
#fuckdepression is right - I do hope that you are able to work yourself out of the depressive state - hopefully the meeting this afternoon will be helpful!
I like this - what did you come up with to do just for you? treat yourself and have a wonderful day!
I’m glad you shared Sara. So many people have been affected by someone else’s alcoholism. It’s amazing we are not fucked up more. Al-Anon has been great for both my recoveries.
I’m sorry to read you been so traumatized by this family disease. I hope it helped at least a little bit to get it out there.
I heard this part of your story a couple of times. A great friend of mine was not lucky enough to get away before it escalated. And even now with her father dead her mom still actively denies it ever happened. And her mom like your mom. Knew it happened. Whether he was drunk or didn’t remember it or not. Denial must be a fight or flight mechanism or something for these people.
I’m glad you found us and continue to work on your sobriety and boundaries. Have a good read around the thread if your interested.
Ya so I had a nice afternoon.
Thank you.
Real exciting 
Went to the nursery after the meeting and no flowers were calling at me to bring them home. They opened a coffee shop at the nursery. Pretty cool. I was thinking if I only knew a friend that would want a coffee with me. I’m actually not the coffee shop type. I saw someone behind the counter and chickened out it was pretty hot and no customers and I just wasn’t in the mood.
Did an errand and went and bought some healthy salad fixins and fruits and cereal in case I’m on my own for dinner.
I already go to 4 meetings a week. Or try to. I’m hitting up a 5th tomorrow. I was actually afraid to ask her if I could go 
. I just told her I don’t want to spiral down this depression hole and I want to go to this Friday night meeting. Of course she said she understood. It’s just that most of these meetings are at 5:30 prime dinner time for us. And I’m the cook. And I don’t want to go out to eat 5 nights a week. Not here anyway. Guess I cross that bridge when I come to it.
Anyway…. Thanks for your support.
I’m doing the best I can. I’m thinking about her a lot. Especially when I’m off on my own. But at least I’m not depressed. It’s close. But I’m not going to let it drag me down too.
I would totally go to the nursery coffee shop with you. Hope your mood lasts. I’ve been on the edge too for a week or so. Gotta look after ourselves.
