Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry to hear that about your friend. I definitely understand the fight or flight response. My mom doesn’t remember pretty much any of the abuse. I don’t know if it was because of her own trauma leading to memory lapses or if she just doesn’t want to admit that she was so cruel. She will probably deny this and many other things and I’ve come to accept it. She has apologized for some things, saying she genuinely doesn’t remember. I have always had a habit of being too forgiving… which is a weakness and a strength in itself. But I’m doing my best to stay strong with my boundaries and continue my recovery. To be honest I felt somewhat ashamed to even post this, but it really did help expressing it to a place that I know is judgement free and supportive of my goals.
Trigger Warning: Affected by family who drink, alcoholism, sexual abuse, murder, bullying, drinking.
My home family blew up and fell apart but not without damage done and ever more damage to come.
I lived in a seemingly perfect family, right.
Right, except that I was getting sexually abused from the age of 10, it was not sexual intercourse, not that that should make a difference, by my stepfather. He was coming into my bedroom all the time and doing things to me. I blocked it out pretty good. I would play like I was asleep, I think. I don’t want to talk about it.
He did not give me the nightmares I had later.
It did affect me in a certain way.
I was educated and studied to save other people but a lot of times I couldn’t save myself.
He ended up killing my mother. So she’s dead. I was 17.
He was still alive. He was very much an alcoholic. He may not remember sexually abusing me and he may not remember killing her.
He was not sentenced to prison or electrocution because of one technicality that got him off.
He wasn’t found guilty on a first degree murder charge that went to trial.
He was 100% the means of my mother being dead.
( One time, out of the bedroom, I was talking to a (boy) friend of mine on the phone. I was 13. He came into the kitchen and pulled his thing out of his underwear drawers and had it flat in the palm of his hand and said said " Bet he does not have one as big as this". I did not see his then or ever. Had not seen ‘any’ except my brother’s when we used to bathe together as children and then with a shower curtain between us in the bathtub.)
As a result of all this a sibling of mine continued to bully me more and more and more.
I was afraid of him. I would leave and I would cry and I would be afraid. For days and days and weeks and weeks and months and months, years and years, decades, I would be terrified of him.
It could and did ruin my every day with overwhelming thoughts of what was looming ahead, what could happen, what was happening, what had happened, between the two of us, his bullying of me.
I got so tired of people, including him, telling me that it wasn’t really what was happening, it was my ‘perception’ of it. It WAS what was really happening.
I had psychologists give me self affirmations. There wasn’t anything wrong with me.
It was my REAL reaction to some really bad stuff.
It was how he treated me and I needed to get away from him.
I couldn’t get away from him. Every time I was coming up for air it was like I would be dunked under the water again and I felt like I was drowning.
For many years I had to be around him. I was always afraid. He treated me like an animal, that’s not even fair to say ( animal) , no one should treat an animal like that, it’s worse than that.
Only reason I used that analogy is because he would say “go on, go on, tsssssk, tssssk, go on, get out of here, get out of here.”
Was he an alcoholic? I never thought about that.
I know that he and his girlfriend/now wife would drink six bottles of wine at dinner.
4 the next day at lunch.
Maybe that’s just enjoying fine wine, right.
She would fall down and I would put it to a few glasses of wine, being clutzy and high platform shoes.
I haven’t seen him for eight years. I take that back, I saw him seven years ago for an hour.
I’m making the choice to see him for a few hours this weekend.
I had had the attitude that there would be nothing that he could say to me that I would not take in a derogatory way. I have eased up on that a bit.
For years I woke up screaming with nightmares.
Not about my stepfather.
Not about my mother being murdered.
But what happened with him and another sibling’s ex who used to talk about bringing my step father around me.
By the way, when my mother was murdered, I immediately told my uncle that I had been getting sexually abused. He told me not to say anything to anybody because it would make me look bad in that point in time.
My brother has told me I was making it up and/or I should get over it.
Lately I haven’t had the nightmares.
It’s my choice to see him this weekend. I hope it goes OK. If it doesn’t, it’s OK.
I will be okay.
I’m going with an easy escape plan. I can leave any time I want.
@Faugxh wanted to quote the quote where you said that you are ‘an amazing person’, you ARE an amazing person. And regardless what you do remember that part. Keep that front and center. Take the cake if you want to take the cake. Stand tall stand proud. Be yourself.
You have a ‘family’ out here at talking sober that thinks you’re a wonderful part of ‘the family’, who would love to have that get together or coffee with you.
Be proud of yourself and your abilities. If you go, I hope you don’t get hurt too much, or really at all. Your grandmother is not going to be around forever and neither is your dad. If you do not go, then that is fine too.
@TrustyBird @erntedank @MrsOdh @Wolfprincess @JazzyS @Dazercat @Olivia @Deelzebub and all the rest of you, we go forward the best that we can.
Big hugs to all.
In commenting, please nothing about the sexual abuse. It is not something I want front and center in my head.
Why did I not say anything at the time? We were not taught about this in school like we were about menstruation, reefer madness, heroin, etc.
I knew the difference between right and wrong.
This was not supposed to happen.
I could have travelled the world alone but I could not do anything about that.
And then the further sibling abuse ended up being acceptable in a way and put me in a position that I could not escape from it. It did far more damage than the other and occurred for a long time. When I got away I felt like I had gotten out of prison.
I’m probably going to remove some or all of this at some point in time.
Hey Alisa. You’re here. You’ve shared. Man, you must feel so nervous and agitated and sad and hyperreal and hopefully also a bit lighter and trusting that positive reactions will come.
I’m very touched that you shared all this w the group here. I’ll keep it all in mind best I can. You’ve gone through an absolute horror show. I’m particularly sorry about your mother and the sibling abuse. I can’t imagine. It’s so sad you could not leave. I can’t imagine what the prolonging of such a situation does to already existing trauma and pain and wounds. Man.
Thank you for your encouraging words too, they mean a lot. It’s kinda hard having to build yourself up from what feels like nothing, but I’ve done a little bit of that since sobriety and I’m sure it feels similar to you and our wee gang here.
If I may ask one question it would be how and when you started to self medicate. Its ok not to answer, ofc.
I’m just so glad you shared. I used to not tell anything painful about myself for a long time on the Forum, I’m still wary. With painful things, I’m afraid ppl will think I just need to get over it and it’s all nothing. This thread is by far the one I let others see most of me. And you know what, it’s been an important experience for me. And nothing bad has happened to me because of it, only good things, mostly the feeling of being less alone.
Big big hug. 
Hugs to you. You are brave beyond anything I could say. Thanks for being here.
Trigger Warning: Affected by family who drink, alcoholism, sexual abuse, murder, bullying, drinking.
When I was writing and considered removing at some point, it was only because of fear that
“they” the sibling(s), there were two, I mainly talked about one, could actually be ‘seeking help’ , see my post, which would be recognizable, and sue me for slander.
I do not have any feeling of anxiety, or nervousness or anything. It is an old story, one that many friends have heard for years until they could hardly stand it anymore and they could not see how I could not see my way out.
I appreciate your response and what you have said. We are really all together on it. And not alone.
Different stories from all of us but a lot of the same feelings.
When I was 13 or so I started drinking at home. Not a lot but too much. Any was too much. We had a storage room where the liquor was kept. I would sneak it out and meet my friends.
At 14 I had a peanut butter jar of vodka in my purse and it rolled out and rolled down the aisle. Did not break. A friend’s brother and I were going to the dentist together and were going to drink vodka on the way. ???
I remember being at a formal dance where ‘my parents’ were when I was 14. I was vomiting in the stall next to where my Mom was. UGH. Not a good memory. I remember my ‘date’ that night, I was too young to date, but he was old enough to drive, having to pull over every few blocks so I could throw up.
So I was already drinking. I grew up in a time of half the school taking acid at school, I did not. I had girl friends shooting up meth and heroin. Lots and lots of drugs.
After my Mom died, I made sure I drank. Every evening for sure. Then I decided I wanted to quit.
Beginning when I was young, I started in a profession where females had not been. In my county, and state, ( and country I imagine) I was one of the first females in an until then male dominated profession.
I was independent, forward thinking, aggressive in a good way, had it together there, but let this other stuff control and ruin my life.
I was responsible for people’s literal lives, how could I do that drinking. Luckily I never was needed when I was drinking. Either that or it is the alcoholic in denial story.
I couldn’t be drinking and my responsibility to others was more important to me.
I did not handle the stress well. I screamed. I was thinking about that not too long ago. I would just scream. Scream. Scream. Cry. Hide until they went away.
There are many of us here w the sexual abuse. I had a therapist in 2004 want to resurface it and I said why would I want to bring it up to the top when it is pretty repressed and not a threat to my sanity, my sexuality or anything really. Except it set me up for further abuse and for freezing in the major situations of getting myself out of harm’s way.
None of it bothers me too much anymore. It is a part of my fabric. It is in my past. The mistakes that I made or the I wish I had done this or that is too late to change.
I will always be an advocate for people getting themselves out of bad situations if they are able to. Deep breathing and things like that do not solve the problem only the symptoms at the time.
I will be okay this weekend and if I am not, I will recover. He can no longer affect me like he could.
I am going to post this
Thank you @Faugxh , thank you @TrustyBird
Again all our stories are horror stories. They affect us, they affect how we react and how we feel about ourselves and the others. Each of us is as affected as the other. All a Big Deal.
Oh I love your afternoon - glad that you had a great time. Being at a nursery around all the beautiful flowers and scents is soothing-- i used to go for a walk through the nursery in town or sometimes even at Home Depot when i needed a quick pick me up.
Love that the nursery has a coffee shop - i would be in heaven. Would have loved to sat and had a lovely cup of coffee with you 
Do you do cold coffee or coffee over ice cream (ideas for when the weather is too hot)
After 40 years of marriage and of doing everything together (until recently) - of course it’s a difficult to do things solo. I know you don’t do this out of spite but more for your self preservation. Its apparent how much you love your wife but also how much you are being hurt by her alcoholic side. Hopefully you are getting more tools from Al Anon to help cope with this.
I am glad that you do have the meetings to go to (sucks that they are at dinner time) - possible to prepare something ahead of time so that it is ready when you exit the meeting? Like ya said - cross that bridge when you get to it – main thing is to take care of your mental and emotional health.
Yes - another day to say Fuck Depression - Have the best fucking day possible!!!
Thank you so much for sharing with us such an intimate and painful part of your story with us. I am so very sorry that you endured such acts in your life. I want to reach out and hug you ever so tightly. Hug and comfort the 10 year old Alisa.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. 
Baffling sometimes how our legal justice system works. I do believe Karma has a way of evening the score – leave it to the universe.
We believe you, we believe this happened and we believe you are strong for having overcome it. It sickens me when I hear that someone’s life experience is made up – like what 10 year old is running around making up this shit.
I am grateful that you did not delete this post and did share your story with us. Whatever you decide to do this weekend just know that we will be here for you. I do hope that if you go, you will not be made to feel any pain. I know you will be OK regardless but you shouldn’t have to shoulder it all on your own.
Much love my friend 
I want to thank everyone for their entries on the thread about boundaries. Today I decided to reach out to my stepson to let him know about my MIL and her surgery. He told us years ago that he did not want us in his life anymore but I felt like he should know, because if it was my grandma, I would want to know. I understand why he asked us to step out of his life because it must have been so hard for him to grow up with a partially present dad. The hubs would sleep on a lot of the weekends he was over and there were multiple occasions where him and I would do things by ourself. There were times where the hubs would say he just couldn’t get him for the weekend, even though we didn’t have plans. I messaged him earlier and he has not responded and I don’t know if he will. I am trying extremely hard to respect his boundaries and leave it to the one message. I would really like to know how he’s doing and what he’s doing but it’s not my place to ask or at least I don’t feel right sending another message but in the same breathe I really want to. I have always felt like an outsider when it came to the family Dynamic with the hubs, baby momma and my stepson. They weee terrible coparents because there was so much hatred between the two and I was just stuck in the middle wanting to be there for my stepson.
My message did what it was meant to do and that is just let him know about his grandma. I don’t have kids and I won’t ever so he is basically like the only kid I will ever have, and it hurts to just be an extension of his father.
That’s a very brave share. I’m so sorry that all of that happened to you. You survived. You will survive recovery too.
Could you perhaps put a warning tag in the beginning of your post please? 
Och. This is so sad. I remember parts of this story from your thread. It’s sad. I hope he gets back in touch. Sadly you’ll have to reckon for the case he does not. In a better world, you guys could have contact. But it probably would have been too hard on him, being constantly confronted with his father’s disinterest in him. Heartbreaking.
Hope you can find some rest tonight. x
Alisa, I’m really proud of you for sharing, such a big part of your story. What does Brene Brown say? “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” It took a lot of courage. I think she also says vulnerability is the birthplace of change and growth, or something like that? Well it took a lot of courage to make yourself vulnerable, and I only hope the load is lightened a little. Thank you so much for opening up, for trusting us. 
All of you? @TrustyBird, @Deelzebub, @Faugxh, @Alisa, @MrsOdh, and anyone else I’ve forgotten?
I could fill this thread up with how I’ve been affected by my siblings’ antics, but boundaries have worked so well there, so there’s not much point. As for my parents? I have no complaints. They were/are human, for sure, but also the two dearest people on earth to me.
My heart breaks at how your parents have not shown up. Mad hot tears. How your parents have missed out on you. Missed out on loving and celebrating some of the most amazing women, individuals, that the online or real world could ever put in my path. I’m sorry for your loss. For their loss.
Hell, if we’re goin’ for coffee? (I’m a coffee shop gal, @Dazercat), I’m buying. Big hugs, you dear souls.
Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story with us.
It really touched me and it showed a lot i can still learn. Tank you.
Thank you to all of you who read, commented, or sent thoughts through the universe. I appreciate it all.
@M-be-free49 the word “vulnerable” and “vulnerability” was in my mind the whole time I was writing.
I ended up not using it because it was late and I was dictating primarily.
Partly thinking about @Faugxh and her feelings about possibly seeing her family and what I was going to write to her, and about my brother and Sil meet up, also about all of us, each of us, who have written on the thread here or elsewhere.
Our selves are exposed and that is a good thing.
I quit drinking not too long after my 27th bday. This is one of the first times I really thought about exactly how old I was when I quit. Like was I 26 almost 27 or 27 almost 28. Actually right at 27 and that makes me feel good because it’s a significant number in my life.
It was very much time, I had certainly had my share.
Love all of you and wish you all the best with each of your days. The good days, the bad days, the wonderful days, the awful days.
Big hugs. xoxo.
I know that no one would choose the disease of alcoholism, and that gives me compassion. I pray each day for peace using the serenity prayer as my guide.
Thank you.
It does suck. I’m ok with the old dog girl and it sucking. It was definitely her time. Still so hard. Super grateful I’m sober and unfortunately grateful to see so many people here handle it before me. Sober.
My trouble is I can’t mourn with my wife. And I can’t even comfort her. Some days I can’t even look at her. She’s drinking it away for now. And I try not to judge because when Max died 10-12 years ago I was on a bender for a couple of weeks that almost killed me. I’m so grateful to be sober with this one. But I feel all alone. All alone in the house with her dealing with it the only way she knows how. Anyway…… I’ll give it time.
I finally set a boundary today that I’m not going out to lunch if she’s drinking. I’m not trying to control it. I’m just removing myself from her lunchtime drinking. You know we go out to eat all the time. It’s our lifestyle. I let her have one more lunch out drinking. She picked today. I thought that was more than fair.
Anyway. I’m trying to go back to basics. And one thing that struck me is. “If I’m not the problem, then there is no solution.” Like I mentioned. I hate that saying!! My problem is I go out to lunch. She drinks. I hate the rest of the day. She always says she’ll try and do better. Ya right. By dinner she’s on her 6 glass of wine and knocking back 8-10 before the days over. I don’t have to count. It’s a pattern. So, she can still go out to lunch alone and drink. Not gonna happen. Or she can drink at home for lunch. Which doesn’t usually happen. Not til 2 or 3 and I’ll deal with that when it comes to it. And I really need to do this for me.
Sorry to go on.
Now about that podcast.
It’s called The Recovery Show.
Plug in episode 347 in the search box. About half way through a lady calls in with her story. She keeps trying to fix her husband etc……
These podcasts has been a life saver for me.
For first one I searched for was Compassion. Because I had none at all for her. I loved it. Then I started listening to it regularly. I’ve even written in a couple of times. And he’s mentioned me. I love it. Sometimes I think I get more from it than an Al-Anon meeting. It’s all Al-Anon principles. And Spencer’s voice is so soothing. His partner in this episode is Eric. I love him too.
Boy I went on. Guess I had to get some shit out here. Been a rough couple of weeks. But no reason to drink.
Thanks for being you and sharing your stuff. It helps knowing I’m not alone. I wish we could fix our spouses but the reality is. We can’t fix anyone but ourselves.
Wow! Alisa. That’s really rotten. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this trauma throughout your life. I can’t imagine all the therapy in the world would make things better. Always know. You didn’t cause any of this.
And you certainly didn’t deserve any of that.
And I bet you did the best you could to survive this horribleness.
I’m glad you shared.
I hope you made it through this weekend ok.
Thanks for always being in all of our corners.
Thanks must of missed this one.
Cold coffee? Sure. Just not sweet or milky.
In the restaurant business we use to call ice coffee. “I need coffee on the haul ass!” Like if someone was too busy on the line to get a cup of Joe. They would yell that someone would bring them an ice coffee they could chug.
I actually did just roam around the nursery. I like looking at flowers. Home Depot? Not so much 
I can’t tak3 those big box stores anymore.
Ok. Back to memes 
Well i’ll be happy to enjoy a hot cup of joe or a ice coffee with you any time. All our nurseries are outskirts of town so not always easy to get to but i do understand the need to stay away from box stores. Glad you were able to get to roam around a bit.
I am so sorry that you are going through your grieving process alone at home. Do know we are here for you! Thank you for sharing your podcast - will check em out. So cool that you were able to write in and be mentioned - like your personal one on one support system.
Doing great on setting up your boundaries. Do not ever apologize for writing out your thoughts and feelings.
just came across this on my meme hunt and thought of you
I’m dealing with some resentments today surrounding my husband coming home drunk last night. We both got crap sleep because he gets up throughout the night to snack and drink water many times so that doesn’t help. It really has me thinking about myself as a drinker.
Our main activity was drinking together. We would spend hours (and hundreds $) on a day off drinking and laughing and roaming around town. We were both service industry at the time so we knew everyone and everyone knew us. I know that I am seeing that history through my rose colored glasses but my summer loneliness is kicking in a bit. I think a lot of this is FOMO which I hate and think is stupid. A lot of it is also my daily routine of work, sleep, work, sleep.
I have always dated drinkers (alcoholic is a term I think can only be self applied - or is this my co-dependence showing 
). Probably because I’ve always been a drinker. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and most of that just starts with leaving the house more. Although I am feeling a bit sorry for myself I’ll channel some gratitude.
I’m grateful that I wasn’t out all day drinking yesterday. I’m grateful I won’t have a headache at work and won’t smell like sweated out booze. I’m grateful that I am learning how to save both physical money and emotions (if that makes sense). I’m grateful I woke up today and am heading in the right direction, even if that direction feels lonely, I’ll find my way.