Good you let ot out! Sending hugs and strength to you Emilie 
I can relate to the wish to shake him. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time to see the necessary changes and your partner does not act and stays miserable. He is a lucky man to have your love. I hope it gets better 
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Thank you. I have faith that it will get better but it is so much more noticeable now that I’m sober. I’m grateful for this community so I can talk it out and be heard. I can only control my path though so I will keep trying to lead by example. 
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I defo agree w this. 
Yet I also think additionally I’d do the shaking and saying look here, from my perspective, if you wanna get better, this want needs to happen, get sober and change your job.
It’s obvs up to him what he does, even if you say sth. Does he ever ask for your advice? Does he think about changing either of these things but just not ready? Or really no clue what to do?
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He knows that my route would make his life better. He sees that my body and mind are both way healthier since getting sober and he acknowledges how proud he is.
I didn’t quit drinking until he told me he was worried about me so I think you are right about this. A conversation needs to happen. I’ve tried to troubleshoot his drunken sadness mainly around the huge drunken elephant that is his drinking. “Lets ride bikes tomorrow, the fear of death is normal, I think you should find a new job, etc.”
I think it really boils down to a sadness around aging and his life’s trajectory in general, with drinking as the main release for sadness. We had a conversation a while ago where he mentioned that he regrets me not meeting him when he was playing sports because he was really good at that. He doesn’t feel good at things because he (might) feel that his purpose is behind him. I think he is lacking purpose and joy most days. Heck maybe he has always been this way and I was just too drunk to know.
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I just want to vent a bit. Last night my mum sent through a message quite late for her (at 9pm) asking whether the kids and I would like to come visit for her birthday this Sunday. As it’s a holiday Monday I said we could probably manage but that we’d discuss the details today.
I got a call mid afternoon from my dad saying he didn’t feel prepared for such a visit and that my mum hadn’t discussed it with him first before asking me. They live in a house with two living room areas and I think they are often separate in the evening, each with their alcoholic beverages to hand.
I’ve often had the experience that an evening phone conversation with my mum would be forgotten the next day so I generally ignore any messages that late but this time I had discussed going to visit them (it would require an overnight stay) with the kids. The kids really don’t have that great a relationship with their grandparents and I feel bad about that.
There’s part of me that just wants to sit side by side with my mum and have a long chat, but there’s a growing awareness that as long as she’s drinking that’s not going to happen. Even when she’s on a break from drinking she’s still very much a dry drunk, and a big part of her drinking is my dad’s drinking, and he’s adamant that he’s a “good drunk” (I beg to differ) and that he’s not going to stop. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just needed to get it off my chest.
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that’s really tough @Deelzebub thanks for sharing that part of you that wants to have a long heart to heart with your mother, that’s a beautiful part of you. the part that longs for connection. maybe you could find out when she’s taking a break and since she’ll be a little more clear you might like to ask her if you could chat about something important. there’s a chance it could go even better than you thought, and even if it doesn’t, you won’t know unless you try i feel for you, my dad and his woman drink nearly every day and i wonder sometimes how that will affect their relationship with my son as he gets older, and they get older and more “set in their ways”. that’s another big motivator for me to stay sober, i want to be a positive influence. maybe your folks haven’t thought enough about how their drinking might be affecting the kids. from what you said it’s clear that at least your mother wants to be involved. like i said it won’t hurt to try to discuss it respectfully family is so important and this is very sensitive subject but better to gently communicate than pretend it’s not bothering you. i don’t know all the details of your story so please take what i say with a grain of salt but i just felt the urge to reply because it sounds like a tough situation. wishing you and your family the best, especially the kiddos!!
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Thank you @JuliaLuna
Yes, it certainly feels like the elephant in the room. I’m just off the phone to my dad and apparently my mum is in the pits of despair right now so she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me.
My daughter got home from school and she’s glad we’re not visiting.
It’s just all drama for nothing.
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“drama for nothing” i totally relate to this because i was the perpetrator of this for the past decade. drama for nothing. that’s sure what it seems like when you know there’s another option. it’s hard to see it poison the family. i’m so sorry you’re going thru it. i hope it sets an example for your daughter of what not to do. does she recognize the culprit? best if the kids can see the damage alcohol and drugs do, and be able to have conversations about it so they can break the generational cycle. just a thought. i know for a fact i’m gonna be talking about it with my son when he’s old enough to have conversations.
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I’m just off the phone with my mum. I told her a few of the things that were bothering me and I think it was a nice chat. I pointed out that although she says she misses the kids and that she wants to spend time chatting with me when they visit, that they actually never spend any time with us as they’re always heading out to the pub. I tried to be as gentle as possible.
I think she feels quite trapped. She says the house reeks of alcohol as my dad makes homebrew and that’s one of the things that makes it hard for her to stop.
It wasn’t the easiest of phone calls but it does feel like a step forward.
Her birthday present arrived already and she’s going to save opening it for the day of her birthday this Sunday.
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I am grateful that you were able to have such a open conversation with your mum today and do think its a step forward for the both of you. Do hope many more forward steps in your future.
WOW- that gift arrived real quick.
Hope you are feeling better today
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My wife has 15 days sober AF today.
I got a year and almost 4 months of Al-Anon meetings. Even though she’s not drinking today. I’ll still be going to my Al-Anon meetings tomorrow.
And besides I wanted to show off Norma. 
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Wow f me your wife is doing sober days? That’s awesome! I mean - it is, right? I guess you’re taking it ODAAT cos it’s not within your control what happens and what else could you do. But I hope you’re enjoying the breather and hopefully some nice sober connecting. Did I miss how she got to wanting to do sober time?
@Deelzebub your mum sounds pityful but also infuriatingly helpless. My parents are the King and Queen of Nothingtobedoneaboutit so this kinda thing pisses be off even just reading about it.
You’re a saint for even communicating your chronic disappointment gently and nicely. Claiming to want to spend time w you and the granweans and then constantly going to the pubs or drinking wherever instead, man - no words. Your kids deserve present and interested grandparents. If they don’t get that themselves, they don’t even deserve family time. I’d be so pissed off in your place.
Anyway. Just wanted to express my support for you. Good on you for making yourself heard. 
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Ya it’s fucking awesome!!
She thought she hit rock bottom after Minnie died. It was pretty rough, as you can imagine, loosing a dog of 16 years. I’m glad I had 3 + years sober under my belt. She hit the bottle pretty bad. July and August were horrible.
Anyway. She got her own app. It’s a moderation app. 
(like that’s gonna work. But I don’t tell her that.) And she’s doing her own thing. What she’s doing is a Dry September. And we are doing great!! I’m just going to take it ODAAT and not think about October. You never know. But it has been really nice. I’m in uncharted waters. And I have hope without expectations. And I got a great support at my 4 Al-Anon meetings. And you guys and all my other tools. But it’s been really nice living with someone who isn’t drunk most of the time.
She’s even going for doctors appointments, after 8 years 
Most things are pretty good. There are some concerns and we are dealing with them. And she got a healthy dose of fear if she continues to drink they way she was. She’s made it clear it’s just for September. But, you never know right? She just can’t deal with the fact she cannot have a couple of glasses of wine. EVER AGAIN. She won’t accept that. Although I do not agree with her recovery plan and I’ll never tell her that. I support her 
of course. My way is not the only way.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope you and your furry kids 
are doing good. 
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Alas, I was always the one hurting and affecting family and friends with my addiction. 
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@Dazercat , I’m so grateful for your sharing here. Your devotion to your wife and your compassion for her is inspiring! My husband is addicted to alcohol and weed. His drinking addiction goes back several years now and he started using weed to manage arthritis pain a couple years ago. It’s hard to see how both substances sap his energy and drive to do anything. He has lost interest in so many things we used to do together, that I often feel alone. I know he has to find his own way, and I have to focus on my own sobriety. But it’s. Ice to know I’m not alone, so 
Thank you
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Thanks Patty.
I appreciate your kind words. I am sorry for the circumstances you husband is in with self medicating for pain. My dad did that almost all of my life when I lived at home. He had major back surgeries in the 60’s that didn’t go so well. It was kinda hard to blame him.
I feel you on this so much. I know a lot of people write in about loneliness and I do feel for them. But I think we have a different kind of loneliness. I can relate so much. When my wife is drinking I feel so lonely and it’s like I’m not alone. She’s right here. It’s really hard.
I have made a lot of friends at my Al-Anon meetings. Not that I do anything with them outside of Al-Anon. But getting out of the house 4 meetings a week has done wonders for me. I really look forward to going these day.
And, no, you are certainly not alone. There’s lots of double winners like us in Al-Anon too.
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Thank you, Eric. I appreciate the support and guidance. It means a lot to me!
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Yes , this is me. My other half smokes weed and also drinks at least two three times a week. He always keeps beer in the fridge. Some days I feel so weak and tempted to just snatch a bottle and chugg it down , but I am determined to stay sober so that keeps me from doing it. The temptation is all around me. But I’ve chosen to look the other way and learnt to switch directions in my mind. Getting better at it now at 9.5 months Sober so far.
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Thank you @M-be-free49, I was actually trying to actively join this thread few times before but ending up on reading only.
So my husband (h) is addicted to coke, he is mostly using on weekends. He is also drinking daily (beer or wine). He was always very impulsive, angry and nervous but lately it’s getting worse and worse. He’s getting pissed for things ‘normal’ person would ignore or laugh about. I’m so tired of it. He is also blaming me for everything. Fucking everything! Even if he forgets something, he can’t find something, he doesn’t have fishing buddy… you name it, everything is somehow my fault. I learned to ignore that but sometimes it hurts like shit. Mostly when hes telling me I’m shitty mother or that I do nothing at home (cleaning & cooking). You know, this kind of person who is telling me something while in other room and getting angry later that I didn’t hear, didn’t even know he’s talking to me and it’s always noisy at home (3 young boys). He is also calling me retard, stupid bitch etc almost every day. Thing is he’s forgetting this quickly but it stays in me. Later I put boys to sleep, coming downstairs and he is getting pissed that I’m not super horny when I’m actually super pissed or sad. So often I just let him do his thing so at least he gonna shut up.
Fuck, when I write it it all sound awful. Of course we have good moments as well. And when once in a long while he won’t sniff at weekend, next days are so much better, he is much much less nervous. And he know it. I heard ‘this is last time’ so many times already, since I was pregnant with Sacha (he is almost 5 now) and almost every weekend is the same. At the begining of the year 2 friends (couple) of his stayed with us for 3 months (supposed to be few days) and then he was sniffing with them on daily basis. And I started to drink like crazy. Often all day. I’m not blaming them, I like them a lot, but his definitely had an impact on our relationship.
Ok, I think it’s enough venting for now 
Please don’t judge me like ’ why are you still with this guy then?!', it’s not that simple. And it’s not always bad.
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