Oh love NOONE would ever judge you or expect you to just up and leave.
WE do want to see you happy and safe. I am sorry that you are having to put up with such verbal and emotional abuse. This is not fair to you. You are a beautiful mother and a wonderful beautiful lady!
Has your husband considered counselling or meetings?
sending you hugs and love my friend - you do deserve so much love and comfort 
I agree with Jazz…nothing about reading that made me feel judgemental toward you whatsoever…it is never as simple as that, never. This is a safe place Mischa you vent all you want if it helps
Naah, I think to admit to some stranger that he has a problem is the biggest problem. He can’t show his weakness cause he has no weaknesses… 
And he also don’t think he’s not being disrespectful towards me.
Sometimes he’s using the fact that he was raised by his mother, grandma and auntie, without father, as a excuse. 3 women and prince. That he’s used to super clean house, home made dinner served every day etc. And I can understand his frustration sometimes. But it doesn’t change a fact that it hurts when he’s complaining, especially when I had long ass day with sick kids for example and he’s coming back from work with stupid comments like ‘why I’m even tired, he see I didn’t do shit today’…
Thanks @JazzyS @Starlight14, you people are making my life better every day. Seriously.
We’re with you @Mischa84. I can’t offer suggestions only support.
My husband woke up hungover from a long day of drinking so I won’t be judging you. I think back to being in his shoes 500+ days ago and push myself forward. Maybe he will follow.
I do say your guy does seem to get a bit mean when he uses. Name calling and shame based sex probably gets old very fast. No judgement there just saying you deserve safety and kindness. Welcome and I’m glad you shared. Your babies are adorable and probably very grateful for a sober Mama.
Has he ever looked after 3 children on his own?? Sheesh that annoyed me
Hey Mischa Im so glad you posted and got to vent here. I’m so sorry for the circumstances that brought you to this thread. I feel so much grief in your post. That’s is an awful burden for you to carry. And you must be exhausted. But I reckon you don’t have time to be tired with those 3 boys.
No, none of this family disease of addiction and verbal abuse is simple. It’s so fucking complicated. And it’s so hard. And I’m sure you do have some good times.
I have found this to be a safe place where you can let it out and not be judged. I hope you can find that here too.
We’ve all seen you pics with the boys and I can’t speak for all. But I can tell from those pics you are a very thoughtful caring beautiful mother of 3 boys, even through the shitstorms that life is throwing you. I don’t know how you do it.
I wish I had answers or some magic formula that could help fix your issues. But like you said it’s not that simple.
The first thing that came to mind after I read your post is a slogan or saying I read the other day.
Shame dies when you share in safe places. that’s what we do in the rooms. And I always feel better after sharing. Then I share some more. The next thing you know I can’t wait to share. Because we are not alone. And you are very welcome on this thread.
Like me, there are quite a few of us that started our sober journey with a loved one that still uses. It was hard for me even though my wife supported my sober journey. But she made it clear. She’s drinking! So, back then the most important thing for me was and still is my sobriety. Always will be. That way I can appreciate and be there, and love, my grown up children and grandchildren now.
I’m so glad you found us. I hope you can find some nuggets of wisdom on here. Or even a pearl or 2.
Not sure how to wrap this up. But I’d like to give you a great big Polish hug 
I’m glad you got that off your chest. We’re here for you anytime.
Mischa, there isn’t much I can add to the good responses you’ve already gotten here. Know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I am hoping your husband realizes how destructive some of this behavior is , to himself, you, and your children. I am glad you have reached out, please do so anytime.
Hey Mischa, wow your husband sounds like an absolute arsehole and he treats you like shit. Gotta call a spade a spade. That’s probably worse cos he is in his active addiction, but that’s zero excuse. Like everyone, your husband has the chance to turn his life around and not be a misogynist dick. he’d need to stop using for that, do therapy, do all the things. There is no excuse for his behaviour.
I’m not shaming you for being with him, there are complicated reasons within you, conscious and
unconscious ones for why you chose and continue to choose someone like that. Have you considered working w a therapist to unearth these reasons? Like that, over time, you could come to the point where you could make different choices.
When I was w my then partner who was in active addiction, he would constantly gaslight me. He’d turn the truth around and lie lie lie and I believed everything, it drove me crazy because he was not being honest and to believe his versions I had to negate other, obviously true realities. That was truly terrible for my psyche. He was unable to hear criticism just like your guy. He never was verbally abusive or forced me to have sex (making someone feel they’re expected to have sex or guilty if they don’t is a form of force and it therefore is sexual abuse). But I caused myself a lot of harm in excusing away, explaining his behaviour, always taking his side over my own even. I loved him till the day I left, that was almost a year ago now, and I still love him which is easier because he has turned himself around through therapy and groups and sobriety - but I caused myself a lot of damage by letting him treat me badly. I loved him blindly. In my own therapy I explored the reasons of why it was not an option for me to leave earlier. Why I always excused. And the brunt of guilt of why I exposed myself to so much shit for so long weighed heavy on me.
I want you to consider one thing: what are your three boys learning about men and women and how men get to treat, use and abuse women by observing their parents? Will they have sex with their exhausted, sad, shut down girlfriends who just lie there, when they’re adults? Will they call them bitches and expect them to wait on them and be servants and maids? Will they use? Will they have rage and hate themselves for their shitty behaviour and shitty relationships? Will they continue the cycle?
You deserve none of this shit. No one does. But you are tolerating it. All the abuse. What can you do to slowly and gradually empower yourself?
Wishing you love and light and happiness.
I feel with you @Mischa84
My ex refused therapy and talking about problems, his, mine, mutual until the end and up to now. Because he has no problem, all others are mean and I’m the one to blame for every shit in his life, oh he’s the smart guy and everybody has to listen to his blablabla …
Bullshit. Dammit fucking bullshit.
I’m really sorry you are in this situation. You see it getting worse. That’s terrible and it hurts a lot. I agree, there are no simple answers or solutions. I see myself when you say if he isn’t using times are so much better. Was the same here, sadly those times diminished and the mean behaviour increased markedly. I started to distance myself from intoxicated him, left him alone, focused on myself as argueing was senseless and left me emotionally drained, hurting, furious and sad. Until I decided to stop being his doormat and he discovered that living on his own alone is very problematic as I managed everything, from household over finances up to his (!) book keeping.
Complaining is easy when a man never had to move a finger caring for a household, family and living in it’s full glorious splendor (sarcasm).
Well, I don’t know where I am going with this post … I want to say you are not alone, please vent away, it helps. Please take what you like and leave the rest, we are here, we share and care. You are a wonderful human being and deserve love, respekt and kindness. Sending you love, strenght and hugs 
And I’m so with you @Faugxh because this was so me
My italian temper would like to bite all men treating women like shit in their ass so heavy they cannot sit for a year. It is said that walking while thinking increases focus and can lead to more openminded thoughts.
Thank you all very much for replying. It is HUGE! I’m so positively surprised that so many of you took a time and really answer my post and gave me support. That means a lot lot lot for me. I never talk about him with my friends, I don’t know why actcually. Well, I do complain sometimes, but general things like not helping much with kids etc. I’m not going deep. And I also don’t have much friends, especially now when I have kids. My good old friends are in Poland, long distance friendship is not an easy thing.
Sorry that I don’t reply to each of you separately but I simply don’t know what to say except thank you, and that I know you all are right.
Well, I will keep posting here, it’s truly therapeutic.
And about therapy - I must check how much is covered by insurance, otherwise it costs shitload of money, which I dont have.
My ex, my daughters dad changed his mind about wanting a child half way through my pregnancy…when she was born i was in the hospital for a week we both almost didnt make it…the first day he could come in to see us in hospital …he didnt show up and i had to call him to wake him up…when we got home i was sleep deprived, sore from a caesarian and with a bad cough from having a breathing pipe urgently pushed down my throat …my little girl had a cough too as she had swallowed meconium and had to be resusitated so she was crying constantly bless her…i asked him to have her for 2 hours so i could try and sleep…after 30 mins he got me back up because he was ‘sick of her crying’ he never did 1 night feed, my daughter didnt sleep longer than an hour for the first 9 weeks… when he did go back work he would come home and ask me what id done all day, many times when i asked for help he would say 'but i work Kelly!" My reply was at work can u go to the toilet, eat your lunch, have breaks?? Trust me i know what u are going through and i only had 1 baby xx
Ah Kelly - i am so sorry to read this and so grateful that you are no longer with this man. Grateful that you and Sophia are thriving now 
@Mischa84 so grateful that you feel therapeutic in posting here - we are here to listen and lend our shoulders. Help where we can. You most definitely are not alone
Shit happens Jazz, just wanted Mischa to know that i understand at least little xx
Kelly, you are wonderful 
Aww thank you lovely, one does try xx
Having kids and maintaining friendships can be difficult.
I want to share my personal experience from the other side. Deliberately never wanting kids, I was the friend confronted with the massive life changes kids brought to my friends life.
Yes, we sometimes lost contact and were not much involved in each others lifes. But the love of a real friendship doesn’t go away.
We had precious talks when we made an appointment (!!!) to call and talk uninterruptedly and undisturbed. They were so happy that I wanted to hear about THEM, not children, not family. The children grew older, we talk and meet more often, texting on whatsapp is a very nice way to stay in contact with my faraway friends, sharing glimpses and big events of our daily life.
Now that we are mostly in our 50s and the children are teenagers or adults we take time to reconnect, to enjoy being older (and exhausted) together, all dealing with similar shit: the ladies mostly with perimenopause, all with some kinds of health issues, all in different stages of relationships from long-term, freshly divorced like me to deliberately single and we have fun, we cry together, we share about not giving a fuck on bullshit workwise …
Be brave and text your friends once in a while that you are still alive, I bet the answers make you smile 
I’ve been going to Al-Anon for 1 year and 4 months today, because my life became totally unmanageable living with an active alcoholic.
I was welcomed with open arms and so much love and understanding.
I learned a lot about Al-Anon from when my children were in active addiction. I thought I could apply the tools and slogans and steps to overcome my miserable life of living with a very active drinker. It didn’t work. But once I got my ass in a seat with other people who understood my struggle, was when I could finally find happiness whether my wife was drinking or not. Sometimes I went to the meetings just to get away from her. I finally had “me,” time. It is much easier to be happy when my wife isn’t drinking. I’ll 
admit to that.
Right now she is doing a dry September and I’m just doing this little Ol thing called one day at a time.
Will she drink after September? Who the fuck knows! Today. And just for today. I don’t give a shit. I got my supports in place and I’m grateful for today. That’s all I got right now. Today.
Thanks to everyone sharing on this thread. The 4 biggest things I’ve learned on my journey is.
I’m totally powerless over alcohol, or addiction mine or anyone else’s.
The 3 C’s
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
Thanks for this post, Eric. I love the three Cs. I have to remember them when my husband is altered by pot or alcohol or both and he gets in one of his crappy moods and starts throwing me blame bombs, I did this or I didn’t do that, what’s wrong with me, shit like that. I try not to bite the hook, but sometimes, like tonight, I bite it, hook, line, and sinker, and we end up in a nasty loud argument. Trying to defend myself, is really just ego crap. Then I’m filled with regret that I lost my temper, let my ego get the best of me. This is tough, man…
i know its hard but try not to be hard on yourself. You can’t always walk away when the blame bombs keep landing on you.
I can’t even imagine the restraint it would take to not take the bait. (i have seen many people when they are drinking using a poking stick - not sure why drinking puts them in a fighting type mood).
I wish i could offer some comfort - just know we are here to listen if you need to vent.
