Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

My wife has 15 days sober AF today.
I got a year and almost 4 months of Al-Anon meetings. Even though she’s not drinking today. I’ll still be going to my Al-Anon meetings tomorrow.

And besides I wanted to show off Norma. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


Wow f me your wife is doing sober days? That’s awesome! I mean - it is, right? I guess you’re taking it ODAAT cos it’s not within your control what happens and what else could you do. But I hope you’re enjoying the breather and hopefully some nice sober connecting. :heart: Did I miss how she got to wanting to do sober time?

@Deelzebub your mum sounds pityful but also infuriatingly helpless. My parents are the King and Queen of Nothingtobedoneaboutit so this kinda thing pisses be off even just reading about it.
You’re a saint for even communicating your chronic disappointment gently and nicely. Claiming to want to spend time w you and the granweans and then constantly going to the pubs or drinking wherever instead, man - no words. Your kids deserve present and interested grandparents. If they don’t get that themselves, they don’t even deserve family time. I’d be so pissed off in your place.

Anyway. Just wanted to express my support for you. Good on you for making yourself heard. :sparkling_heart:


Ya it’s fucking awesome!!
She thought she hit rock bottom after Minnie died. It was pretty rough, as you can imagine, loosing a dog of 16 years. I’m glad I had 3 + years sober under my belt. She hit the bottle pretty bad. July and August were horrible.

Anyway. She got her own app. It’s a moderation app. :grimacing: (like that’s gonna work. But I don’t tell her that.) And she’s doing her own thing. What she’s doing is a Dry September. And we are doing great!! I’m just going to take it ODAAT and not think about October. You never know. But it has been really nice. I’m in uncharted waters. And I have hope without expectations. And I got a great support at my 4 Al-Anon meetings. And you guys and all my other tools. But it’s been really nice living with someone who isn’t drunk most of the time.

She’s even going for doctors appointments, after 8 years :scream: Most things are pretty good. There are some concerns and we are dealing with them. And she got a healthy dose of fear if she continues to drink they way she was. She’s made it clear it’s just for September. But, you never know right? She just can’t deal with the fact she cannot have a couple of glasses of wine. EVER AGAIN. She won’t accept that. Although I do not agree with her recovery plan and I’ll never tell her that. I support her :100: of course. My way is not the only way.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you and your furry kids :dog: are doing good. :pray:t2::heart:


Alas, I was always the one hurting and affecting family and friends with my addiction. :disappointed:


@Dazercat , I’m so grateful for your sharing here. Your devotion to your wife and your compassion for her is inspiring! My husband is addicted to alcohol and weed. His drinking addiction goes back several years now and he started using weed to manage arthritis pain a couple years ago. It’s hard to see how both substances sap his energy and drive to do anything. He has lost interest in so many things we used to do together, that I often feel alone. I know he has to find his own way, and I have to focus on my own sobriety. But it’s. Ice to know I’m not alone, so :pray: Thank you


Thanks Patty.
I appreciate your kind words. I am sorry for the circumstances you husband is in with self medicating for pain. My dad did that almost all of my life when I lived at home. He had major back surgeries in the 60’s that didn’t go so well. It was kinda hard to blame him.

I feel you on this so much. I know a lot of people write in about loneliness and I do feel for them. But I think we have a different kind of loneliness. I can relate so much. When my wife is drinking I feel so lonely and it’s like I’m not alone. She’s right here. It’s really hard.

I have made a lot of friends at my Al-Anon meetings. Not that I do anything with them outside of Al-Anon. But getting out of the house 4 meetings a week has done wonders for me. I really look forward to going these day.

And, no, you are certainly not alone. There’s lots of double winners like us in Al-Anon too.


Thank you, Eric. I appreciate the support and guidance. It means a lot to me!


Yes , this is me. My other half smokes weed and also drinks at least two three times a week. He always keeps beer in the fridge. Some days I feel so weak and tempted to just snatch a bottle and chugg it down , but I am determined to stay sober so that keeps me from doing it. The temptation is all around me. But I’ve chosen to look the other way and learnt to switch directions in my mind. Getting better at it now at 9.5 months Sober so far.


Thank you @M-be-free49, I was actually trying to actively join this thread few times before but ending up on reading only.
So my husband (h) is addicted to coke, he is mostly using on weekends. He is also drinking daily (beer or wine). He was always very impulsive, angry and nervous but lately it’s getting worse and worse. He’s getting pissed for things ‘normal’ person would ignore or laugh about. I’m so tired of it. He is also blaming me for everything. Fucking everything! Even if he forgets something, he can’t find something, he doesn’t have fishing buddy… you name it, everything is somehow my fault. I learned to ignore that but sometimes it hurts like shit. Mostly when hes telling me I’m shitty mother or that I do nothing at home (cleaning & cooking). You know, this kind of person who is telling me something while in other room and getting angry later that I didn’t hear, didn’t even know he’s talking to me and it’s always noisy at home (3 young boys). He is also calling me retard, stupid bitch etc almost every day. Thing is he’s forgetting this quickly but it stays in me. Later I put boys to sleep, coming downstairs and he is getting pissed that I’m not super horny when I’m actually super pissed or sad. So often I just let him do his thing so at least he gonna shut up.
Fuck, when I write it it all sound awful. Of course we have good moments as well. And when once in a long while he won’t sniff at weekend, next days are so much better, he is much much less nervous. And he know it. I heard ‘this is last time’ so many times already, since I was pregnant with Sacha (he is almost 5 now) and almost every weekend is the same. At the begining of the year 2 friends (couple) of his stayed with us for 3 months (supposed to be few days) and then he was sniffing with them on daily basis. And I started to drink like crazy. Often all day. I’m not blaming them, I like them a lot, but his definitely had an impact on our relationship.
Ok, I think it’s enough venting for now :sweat_smile:
Please don’t judge me like ’ why are you still with this guy then?!', it’s not that simple. And it’s not always bad.


Oh love NOONE would ever judge you or expect you to just up and leave.
WE do want to see you happy and safe. I am sorry that you are having to put up with such verbal and emotional abuse. This is not fair to you. You are a beautiful mother and a wonderful beautiful lady!

Has your husband considered counselling or meetings?
sending you hugs and love my friend - you do deserve so much love and comfort :heart:


I agree with Jazz…nothing about reading that made me feel judgemental toward you whatsoever…it is never as simple as that, never. This is a safe place Mischa you vent all you want if it helps :heart:


Naah, I think to admit to some stranger that he has a problem is the biggest problem. He can’t show his weakness cause he has no weaknesses… :roll_eyes:
And he also don’t think he’s not being disrespectful towards me.
Sometimes he’s using the fact that he was raised by his mother, grandma and auntie, without father, as a excuse. 3 women and prince. That he’s used to super clean house, home made dinner served every day etc. And I can understand his frustration sometimes. But it doesn’t change a fact that it hurts when he’s complaining, especially when I had long ass day with sick kids for example and he’s coming back from work with stupid comments like ‘why I’m even tired, he see I didn’t do shit today’…

Thanks @JazzyS @Starlight14, you people are making my life better every day. Seriously.


We’re with you @Mischa84. I can’t offer suggestions only support.

My husband woke up hungover from a long day of drinking so I won’t be judging you. I think back to being in his shoes 500+ days ago and push myself forward. Maybe he will follow.

I do say your guy does seem to get a bit mean when he uses. Name calling and shame based sex probably gets old very fast. No judgement there just saying you deserve safety and kindness. Welcome and I’m glad you shared. Your babies are adorable and probably very grateful for a sober Mama. :heart:


Has he ever looked after 3 children on his own?? Sheesh that annoyed me


Hey Mischa Im so glad you posted and got to vent here. I’m so sorry for the circumstances that brought you to this thread. I feel so much grief in your post. That’s is an awful burden for you to carry. And you must be exhausted. But I reckon you don’t have time to be tired with those 3 boys.

No, none of this family disease of addiction and verbal abuse is simple. It’s so fucking complicated. And it’s so hard. And I’m sure you do have some good times.

I have found this to be a safe place where you can let it out and not be judged. I hope you can find that here too.

We’ve all seen you pics with the boys and I can’t speak for all. But I can tell from those pics you are a very thoughtful caring beautiful mother of 3 boys, even through the shitstorms that life is throwing you. I don’t know how you do it.

I wish I had answers or some magic formula that could help fix your issues. But like you said it’s not that simple.

The first thing that came to mind after I read your post is a slogan or saying I read the other day.
Shame dies when you share in safe places. that’s what we do in the rooms. And I always feel better after sharing. Then I share some more. The next thing you know I can’t wait to share. Because we are not alone. And you are very welcome on this thread.

Like me, there are quite a few of us that started our sober journey with a loved one that still uses. It was hard for me even though my wife supported my sober journey. But she made it clear. She’s drinking! So, back then the most important thing for me was and still is my sobriety. Always will be. That way I can appreciate and be there, and love, my grown up children and grandchildren now.

I’m so glad you found us. I hope you can find some nuggets of wisdom on here. Or even a pearl or 2.

Not sure how to wrap this up. But I’d like to give you a great big Polish hug :people_hugging:

I’m glad you got that off your chest. We’re here for you anytime.


Mischa, there isn’t much I can add to the good responses you’ve already gotten here. Know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I am hoping your husband realizes how destructive some of this behavior is , to himself, you, and your children. I am glad you have reached out, please do so anytime.


Hey Mischa, wow your husband sounds like an absolute arsehole and he treats you like shit. Gotta call a spade a spade. That’s probably worse cos he is in his active addiction, but that’s zero excuse. Like everyone, your husband has the chance to turn his life around and not be a misogynist dick. he’d need to stop using for that, do therapy, do all the things. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

I’m not shaming you for being with him, there are complicated reasons within you, conscious and
unconscious ones for why you chose and continue to choose someone like that. Have you considered working w a therapist to unearth these reasons? Like that, over time, you could come to the point where you could make different choices.

When I was w my then partner who was in active addiction, he would constantly gaslight me. He’d turn the truth around and lie lie lie and I believed everything, it drove me crazy because he was not being honest and to believe his versions I had to negate other, obviously true realities. That was truly terrible for my psyche. He was unable to hear criticism just like your guy. He never was verbally abusive or forced me to have sex (making someone feel they’re expected to have sex or guilty if they don’t is a form of force and it therefore is sexual abuse). But I caused myself a lot of harm in excusing away, explaining his behaviour, always taking his side over my own even. I loved him till the day I left, that was almost a year ago now, and I still love him which is easier because he has turned himself around through therapy and groups and sobriety - but I caused myself a lot of damage by letting him treat me badly. I loved him blindly. In my own therapy I explored the reasons of why it was not an option for me to leave earlier. Why I always excused. And the brunt of guilt of why I exposed myself to so much shit for so long weighed heavy on me.

I want you to consider one thing: what are your three boys learning about men and women and how men get to treat, use and abuse women by observing their parents? Will they have sex with their exhausted, sad, shut down girlfriends who just lie there, when they’re adults? Will they call them bitches and expect them to wait on them and be servants and maids? Will they use? Will they have rage and hate themselves for their shitty behaviour and shitty relationships? Will they continue the cycle?

You deserve none of this shit. No one does. But you are tolerating it. All the abuse. What can you do to slowly and gradually empower yourself?

Wishing you love and light and happiness. :heart:


I feel with you @Mischa84

My ex refused therapy and talking about problems, his, mine, mutual until the end and up to now. Because he has no problem, all others are mean and I’m the one to blame for every shit in his life, oh he’s the smart guy and everybody has to listen to his blablabla … :roll_eyes:
Bullshit. Dammit fucking bullshit.

I’m really sorry you are in this situation. You see it getting worse. That’s terrible and it hurts a lot. I agree, there are no simple answers or solutions. I see myself when you say if he isn’t using times are so much better. Was the same here, sadly those times diminished and the mean behaviour increased markedly. I started to distance myself from intoxicated him, left him alone, focused on myself as argueing was senseless and left me emotionally drained, hurting, furious and sad. Until I decided to stop being his doormat and he discovered that living on his own alone is very problematic as I managed everything, from household over finances up to his (!) book keeping.
Complaining is easy when a man never had to move a finger caring for a household, family and living in it’s full glorious splendor (sarcasm).

Well, I don’t know where I am going with this post … I want to say you are not alone, please vent away, it helps. Please take what you like and leave the rest, we are here, we share and care. You are a wonderful human being and deserve love, respekt and kindness. Sending you love, strenght and hugs :people_hugging::sunflower::four_leaf_clover:


And I’m so with you @Faugxh because this was so me
My italian temper would like to bite all men treating women like shit in their ass so heavy they cannot sit for a year. It is said that walking while thinking increases focus and can lead to more openminded thoughts.


Thank you all very much for replying. It is HUGE! I’m so positively surprised that so many of you took a time and really answer my post and gave me support. That means a lot lot lot for me. I never talk about him with my friends, I don’t know why actcually. Well, I do complain sometimes, but general things like not helping much with kids etc. I’m not going deep. And I also don’t have much friends, especially now when I have kids. My good old friends are in Poland, long distance friendship is not an easy thing.
Sorry that I don’t reply to each of you separately but I simply don’t know what to say except thank you, and that I know you all are right.
Well, I will keep posting here, it’s truly therapeutic.

And about therapy - I must check how much is covered by insurance, otherwise it costs shitload of money, which I dont have.