Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[Alisa]

Ugh. I’m so sorry and also glad you’re writing about it, talking about it and will to others in the days to come.

It shouldn’t be a secret. It’s her actions. And they have consequences.

Over on the other thread, I read about what a nice day y’all had with the spontaneous walk.

I’m sorry that the day ended up getting trashed in the end. The day itself and ending up drinking cooking wine.

She is smart but the alcohol is smarter.

She thought she could play the game where she was smarter than the alcohol. Alcohol won.

I’ve always been pro the two of you staying together, hopefully happily together and not drinking.

I’m sorry that this has progressed in this direction instead of progress towards her drinking nothing.

I can’t imagine how beat up and scared and all the other feelings that you have must be.

I’m glad that you have built somewhat of a little fortress instead of just having yourself and TS to rely on going through this.

There’s hope in my heart for both of you.

Lots of love and lots of hugs.

I hope that there will be a turnaround.

I hope that she can regain some of the respect for the boundaries that she did have. Ideally 100% abstinence of course.

And realize what’s at stake and what she could lose for some glasses of wine and drinks.

I’m really sorry Eric. It has to be scary and traumatic for you.

I’m glad you have all of us.

Editing to add.
I know what helps you is not to drink just for today. I also know that I think it was October that she didn’t drink for the whole month even though she had a plan throughout the whole month to drink on the 30th day or whatever OK so I understand you can’t control her drinking.

Going back and applauding her for going the 30 days deliberately to not drink. And what it meant to you. To you a man who loves her, wants the best for her, wants to spend your life with her.

How much it meant to you to not be as guarded wondering if she was going to be in a bad situation. You repeating that isn’t “controlling”.
How grateful she was to not be drunk, I think she admitted how much better she felt. And how much she liked her days better. Did she just forget that, if she did maybe she needs to be reminded.
Maybe somewhere in that smart brain she can see how much the alcohol has sucked her back in and somehow reach that point where she says I’m done. That’s what I can hope for for both of you.

[TrustyBird]

Daze I came here to vent and got to read your open heart first so that is a win win. Drinking is gross and it sucks the soul out of people if you do it like us addicts do.

You are only in charge of you today. I hope you put yourself first all day and I hope it gets a little easier for you. Its a shit sandwich to love an addict…

… and we are Pedro Pascal.

Sending hugs your way. Drunk people stink, literally. Old stale booze seeping from pores is not a good look. My week has been hectic with drunkenness and thankfully none of it has been my own. Getting sober is amazing and avoiding drunks is part of the beauty of that but that is soooooo tricky when they live with you in your house. Fuck alcohol. Onward!

[Lisa07]

I’m sorry Eric. I wish there were an easy road. This is such a selfish disease. That’s why she says you’re trying to control her. She can’t look at herself and see that SHE is causing all the pain (for the both of you). That blame game is no fun at all. Glad you’re here venting and happy to know you’re doing what you can to keep support in your life. Lots of love to you my friend. Big hugs!

[Dazercat]

@Lisa07

She can’t look at herself and see that SHE is causing all the pain (for the both of you). That blame game is no fun at all.

Thanks Lisa.
The fucking blame game. Forgot about that one.

@Alisa

How grateful she was to not be drunk, I think she admitted how much better she felt.

Ya I forgot about this. Did she? It’s probably easier for you to remember than me. It sounds about right though. She use to be all into how much alcohol for your body is acceptable. ZERO!! We chatted about that. She didn’t have much to say about it.

Thanks @TrustyBird
I was definitely feeling like 2 slice Tilly last night.

I glad you got a win win coming here last night.
Sucks!

Thanks you guys

[Pattycake]

Eric, what can I say? You are working so hard to deal with this situation. It does fucking suck. Yet you find the wisdom and the humor to help so many of us here at TS. Thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart. You keep being you, we are all rooting for you.

[erntedank]

Sending love and hugs. I admire your comittment and strength resp. the strength you get from being weak, emotional, caring, not bashing yourself for ignoring your boundaries when you realize you won’t put in the consequences. I admire you.

To be honest: My ex never put effort or problem insight to his and our issues. Your wife does and when I read your sharings I know for myself: I couldn’t bear that in the long run with calmness like you. Maybe that’s selfish of me.
It means so much that you share your journey. I learn so much. At least I try to learn about myself and better my flaws.
Hugs

[Pattycake]

An update on my own situation. Husband has told me enough times to stop trying to “make him do stuff”. Tells me he has never wanted to be told what to do, and that I’m “constantly telling him what to do “. Even though he won’t take care of his health, doesn’t even brush his teeth. Won’t go to the dentist, won’t get any help for his multiple health issues, which are all completely fucked up from his drinking and pot use…. He’s so depressed he just sits and watches tv all day most days.
It is so fucking hard to detach and focus on me, the latest issue I’m struggling to forgive him and myself for is the fact that I let him talk me out of traveling to Hawaii to visit relatives soooo many times over the years. The latest time I had a chance to reconnect with old friends at a high school reunion and I missed it. Two of my best friends from then reached out to me and the sting of regret because I didn’t go to that damn reunion when I really wanted to….well, it’s choking me right now.
But that is exactly my MO. I put my own wants and needs second to my husband’s, through all of our marriage, and now, 44 years later, I’m finally trying to find myself and what I need and want in this last chapter of my life. And the stupid thing is, my husband has always encouraged my independence, except for times when I have wanted to travel somewhere without him.

[JazzyS]

Hey Dazer - how are you doing today friend? Have you had a chance to call your sponsor or kids this morning? So very happy that you did share what is going on with you on your thread.

I do not think that you are being controlling in trying to set up boundaries to support your well being. Like Lisa mentioned - the selfish disease makes it seem to her that you are and that is something she needs to deal with.
I too remember how well she had embraced a sober lifestyle when she did her 1 month in the fall. Really was rooting for her to continue down the path and am so sorry that it is progressing farther away.

So very happy that you are talking about it here - with your kids - with Al Anon - with your sponsor and with your therapist. Look at you widening your support circle! So very proud of you for working on yourself and your boundaries even through this mess.

I am sorry that you two are dealing with this disease on so many levels. Sending you love and strength my friend

[JazzyS]

Ah Patricia - i’m so sorry love. It has got to be frustrating trying to take care of someone you love and being told that you are being controlling in telling them “to do stuff” which they have neglected.

I am so happy to hear that you are looking into your own wants and needs. I know it is not easy to feel regret from past decisions but know that it is not too late to change. Plan that vacation to Hawaii. Plan trips to visit your friends. If he doesn’t want to go then that is on him. You only have one life my friend and you can’t spend it in regret.

Just sending you hugs and love my friend

[TrustyBird]

This sounds like you need a trip to Hawaii. For real! Get out in the sunshine and let the husband fester if he wants.

[Dazercat]

Whelp I’m glad my experience strength a hope can be of some help around here. Good peeps keep telling me to share. It might help someone and help myself.

I just hate coming on here and bitching about my wife. That’s why I like Al-Anon so much. Imagine if we just sat around and bitched the whole time about our loved ones. We’d never learn to work on ourselves.

However journaling about it can be very therapeutic. I did call my sponsor today and he told me I should journal about it. I guess journaling about it here on a public is my form of journaling. And I get a big bonus of love support and feedback from you all.

It’s gets very tiring having all this strength @erntedank sometimes, truthfully, I’d like to just give up. It’s really hard. But I got so much more than I had a year ago. I even have Hope. I never use to have that. I finally learn I had to put my Hope in me. Not what someone else is doing or not doing. Going to those rooms as often as I go gives me so much Hope for myself.

My sponser also said @JazzyS if I wasn’t sure about calling my friends and family then PAUSE. No acronym. Just pause 24 hours. I told him my feelings about calling and I am checking my motives. If I pause. I can talk to my therapist tomorrow. Tom, my sponsor, said we can meet for coffee after my therapist appointment and before my meeting tomorrow and he’ll be at the meeting tonight. And he said by the way. You signed up to chair it. I did . I have no idea

@Pattycake when I complain at meetings I’m 64 years old and I don’t know how to act or feel there’s always someone older saying well I’m 75 and I’m still learning. I guess if we’re lucky we get to keep learning. I’ll go to Hawaii with ya

I’m thinking of checking out a Coda meeting. https://coda.org/ I read some shit on here and it’s like That’s me! And That’s me! And That’s me too. Then I saw this.

I think I started worrying about what people think about me and how I might make them feel about me since early childhood. There’s no fault on anyone’s part here. It just happened. And I’m beginning to see improvements in me one little baby step at a time.
Thanks again y’all for having my back.

[Pattycake]

Thanks, Eric, Emilie, and Jasmine. Grateful for your support and feedback. I may have to look further into that CODA site. …

Love you all!

[erntedank]

Oh I love this picture and I’ll come too.
Dear @Pattycake I hear you on neglecting basics like brushing teeth. My ex was always hostile when I told him to get the fuck in the shower because his odor is unacceptable for others (not only me). When he was drunk he often lay down on purpose on the freshly washed and cleaned couch in his stink and was angry at me when I freaked out.
I admire your strength to not grab a garden hose and wash him down.
Sorry for rambling dear fellows, not having my best day today. Sending hugs

[Pattycake]

…sounds like a possible Hawaii retreat may be in order…there’s a place on Molokai that does yoga retreats and has an organic garden and ….hmmmm. Maybe one day?

[Dazercat]

Do they do mani pedis ?

[Pattycake]

I meant to say more just now. I always appreciate your fresh ideas and humor. I’m sorry you’re not having a great day.

[Pattycake]

I bet that could be arranged…

[james83]

Hey there !

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this thread. I started reading it because I was finally in a place where I could hear what MY family had been going through with my alcoholism until I started trying to turn things around a year or so ago. It’s so valuable to remind myself of what my loved ones went through by reading thoughts like yours. Thank you.

One thing in your story struck a chord for me. That was the “2 glasses” agreement, and the slippery slope it’s leading to. You acknowledge the “holiday exemption”, the “size of pour” modification and now the “oh well it’s 3” evolution. It’s obvious to you and anyone who has struggled with alcohol and accepted that fact that she’s sliding - the warm cooking wine from boxes? We all know that move. What’s next, the higher strength wine for more of a buzz from the 3 glasses? I know I did that one! The point I’m getting to is that these rules and fences are just hurting you, just like they did for my wife. My drinking “calendar” was a prime example of restrictions we both agreed on, then I broke anyway and then we argued about. It wasn’t until she accepted that it was MY problem and she couldn’t fence me in that I changed. She told me what she thought and then managed to let me be. In my case it was a big part of why I started down this sober path. I was no longer fighting her for my alcohol freedom any more, so I had to be honest with myself that it was ME with the problem and not her controlling me. It didn’t take many more bad choices for me to get there, but it must have been scary for her on the way. I hope you manage to find a way to be at peace with her choices, and I hope she wants to join you on your sober journey too. Sending strength my friend.

[Dazercat]

Thanks for your insight James. And I get to live with a happy reminder I never want to be shackled by booze ever again.

Ya I got to work on that boundary. I don’t even know how we got to that. I know next time she gets wasted I’m getting on a plane because I don’t want to be around her if she gets that pissed. To coin a British phrase. Then she figured out this damp January where she said she figured out she could have 6 glasses a wine a week. Which equals 2 glasses at dinner 3 nights a week. I’m exhausted just explaining it. And it was kind of agreed she wouldn’t go over and if she did I could leave a go visit my children so I don’t have to be around her in a drunken state.

And ya. We all know it’s a progressive disease and I’m watching progress in real time. So I definitely got to work on this boundary. I’ll be seeing my sponsor and talking to my therapist tomorrow. She’s an addiction counselor, and I’ll work with them at what I got to do to protect my sanity and not be around unacceptable behavior.

Next thing you know she’ll want a bottle in the house.

The 2 drink thing is definitely not working and driving my crazy it doesn’t matter how we got here. It’s so hard. I’m headed to a meeting and getting as much support as I can. Somehow I’m going to be alright. Both my sponsor and therapist have about 30 plus years sobriety each. So I’m in good hands and will listen to people that know more than me.

Cheers mate.
Drop us another pic of my favorite country when you got time.

[Pattycake]

@james83

I was no longer fighting her for my alcohol freedom any more, so I had to be honest with myself that it was ME with the problem and not her controlling me.

This is powerful, James. Thank you. Helps me keep perspective in my own situation.