Oh Patricia im sorry your going through this, it must be incredibly hard to have to watch and wait for someone you love to figure things out, i just want to send you some love and hugs and tell you that i think you are a wonderful person 
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Thanks, Kelly. I so appreciate your support. You were an important cheerleader for me when I first came here, I’m eternally grateful! .I don’t know what I would do without TS and he fine folks here. I’ll keep hanging in there. 
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Im grateful for you too youve also helped me plenty of times, im the same…with all you wonderful people on here i rekon i could get through anything xxx
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My sponsee is back out, I can feel her pain even though she isnt feeling it. All I can do is pray she survives and finds her way back. I am powerless over addiction, mine and everyone else’s. These are the nights I do tonglen meditations, these are the nights I send out my light. Even though I am powerless over addiction I still have power over how I deal with the situation and I choose love. Anger, sadness, fear all vibrate at the same low frequency as active addiction. If I sit in those emotions I am no help to anyone, its always up to me to take care of my energy so that I can help people out of darkness.
We do recover if we surrender.
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So sorry about your sponsor. The way you are responding to the situation is an inspiration for me. I need frequent reminders to surrender. And the Tonglen practice is something I can do more often as well. many thanks.
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Dear folks, I need a vent, rant, outlet, not quite knowing where this post will go.
I AM PISSED 
I am so pissed off my ex I wish this - oh I even don’t know how to call that - would make poooof and I would be released from him. Like in a comic.
This annoying ex came to the farm today and if I hadn’t been there he AGAIN had thrown away stuff from me and claimed stuff from me being his 
And my gut feeling for the trial appointment next friday tells me to tell my lawyer to fucking grill this asshole. No more postponing, derailing, egotrips or whatever fuckery else he wants. Close.that.fucking.case.
I went so mad today I bluntly throw in his face that his fucking swigging caused the big bang and the farm is only mutual property because I fucking payed for it, loved him, believed in him and a life together until we’re old and grey, and I was a fucking stupid chicken without head when I decided to make the worst mistake of my life.
I think I reached the point where I just want him out and off the farm and my life. To my big surprise I was angry today, pissed, again speechless about his behaviour and non-communication but one thing was absent: Love. Not a single moment I looked at him and saw the man I once loved. Obviously approaching the 2 year mark in may casts it’s shadow. Maybe I’m fed up with fuckery for the rest of my life. For sure I cried in the supermarket when I saw the oranges because I loved to make us fresh orange juice for years. I stopped like so much because he was absent, lost interest, I didn’t want to pamper him and be nice when he drank … I clearly saw the path of deterioration our relationship took staring at a box of oranges, crying.
FUBAR. fucked up beyond repair. i thank @Soberbilly for this. It hits the point.
Now I’m home with steak & potatoes awaiting a friend late afternoon for a marvellous dinner. And I’m grateful I don’t ask myself anymore why this (quality time) wasn’t doable in our marriage. I know the answer, it’s the same for everything: He doesn’t care. The End.
Thanks for letting me get this out. Feel a lot better now and rest a bit before I start cooking.
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Vent all you need to, I certainly do! Fucking game playing sucks! I can even imagine the level of frustration and fuckery that would happen if I walked out on my husband. Too late for me, but you have a lot of life ahead, stay strong (and funny:face_with_hand_over_mouth:). 
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Im affected by my son…he is 23 years old. An adult. But gosh its hard for me. Ive set boundaries as of now. But in my mind i still want to know if hes okay or where he is. I stopped helping him because he was not listening or taking my help into consideration. I just figered i cant help someone who doesnt wanna be helped. I rarely keep in comtact with him. If i do hes always asking for money. Which i stopped giving him. Idk… i do need to attend a al anon
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YES - he has taken advantage of your sweet heart for way too long. I am grateful that you are able to come here and vent. We are here to listen whenever you need. It was good that you listened to your voice and got yourself to the farm so you could witness this today. I do hope that you are able close this case once and for all and keep him out of your life.
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Its got to be hard with a child as i know the motherly instincts kick in and can make it hard to keep the boundaries. Al Anon is a great idea… I have not personally gone but do know many who have benefited.
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I’m sorry you are going through this, Crystal. You love your son and want him to have a good life, but it’s in his hands. So hard to step back and let go, knowing the suffering that may result from choices he is making. They are his choices, true. But that doesn’t remove the concern, the worry, the fear, the love, the hope, the pain, all of it. I do find an Al Anon book that Eric mentioned while ago called Courage to Change helpful in my situation. Maybe check into it, or if you think an Al anon meeting would be helpful, do attend one and see. Hugs to you.
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Thank you so much @JazzyS I see in hindsight that I always have to trust my gut. Might sound weird but something in me can smell such settings, upcomings, occurances, whatever you call it. I can smell it, I get nervous, I act out of shape, I go weird, I follow my gut … I fucking could smell those kinds of fuckery for all my life.
Thank you for encouraging me and for being there 
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I only can send you hugs and be proud of you that you are not enabling his addiction.
there have been quite some discussions on enabling, if you like to look up the keyword.
ODAAT
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Good work getting this off your chest. Anger is a killer and I’m glad you are feeling it. From one kitty Mama to another
Let it out!
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And yet I read real freedom here my lovely. You are strong and brave, remember that. You have seen through the bullshit. Sending love 
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totally understand this and grateful that you can properly listen to your senses. I’ve known people that can pick up on things and its great when you know and are able to listen to the cues.
Fuck the fuckery! The new 2024 motto 
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Last night I almost slipped on SH due to the deep soul ache that I feel. Its not sadness, I dont feel like I am taking on her emotions or holding on to stuff that isnt mine. It is the identification that I feel with her on such a deep level. Its how vividly I remember where she is at and how real that pain can come back to my heart and body in seconds. Its how desperate I can feel and how quickly I can go dark when I allow myself to be taken back there. My life was way beyond unmanageable when i came into recovery 4 years ago, it was unbearable, completely unlivable. So much so that even 4 years later when I am reminded of the spiritual pain I was in I am triggered to cut.
I am so grateful for the support I have around me, for the very strong foundation I have built in my recovery and the incredibly hard work I have put in. In my check in last night i ended with something like “thats not my life anymore” (SH) but I am humbled and know that it could be with one wrong choice.
So yeah today I am deeply affected by a loved one who is detoxing from only God knows. She is violently ill and last time I detoxed from rock I wasnt shitting and puking my face off. I pray she can stay clean, one more day. Prayers are welcome.
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Ask and you shall receive. You’re in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.
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Including you and your mentee in my prayers Thank you for sharing, it touches me deeply
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I love it! A wise way to cope with life this year 
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