Great stuff. Sorry to read you have been going through it. Sucks.
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Thanks 
Well I’m surrounding myself with recovery even more if that’s possible. I’m meeting my Al-Anon sponser at his AA meeting Thursday night to check it out. And I already got a 10 Al-Anon meeting on Thursday. And I’m still doing the Friday night AA meeting. Plus my other 4meetings. And lunch out with John from Al-Anon again. And coffee once a week with my sponser. And I got my therapist once a week.
I’m grateful I’m going to be ok no matter what. Cuz that’s what I do.
Oh and I found an Al-Anon speaker meeting on Wednesdays in Phoenix. It’s one of the first, if not the original Al-Alon fmeeting in the Valley. And I’m hopefully going to an old timers speakers Al-Anon convention and pot luck lunch in 2 Saturdays. Look at me fucking go and take care of myself!!
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I am so proud of you.
The CoDA daily meditation book is pretty good, I also have the step guide.
Here is a little sampler pack in case you’re interested. 
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Yes, following.
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Than you 
And Thank You
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TW controversial, TMI, …
I don’t know where to put my thoughts, so I put them here as my best logical option.
I’m deeply grateful and have learned a world from the sharings here. I admire all people who fight the fuck out of hell for their relationships.
And I often ask myself: Would we - me and my exhusband - still be together if I had put more work and effort in … and here I go:
- in myself?
nope, I would have sent him to hell if I had cared for myself properly and had said fuck off to my codepenency. - into better coping with a loved one who is an addict?
maybe. but I was so fed up with his behaviour and it hurted so much that I had not a single day more in me to live with this shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love(d) him and I loved our life. The problem was: There was no togetherness anymore, no love, cuddling, intimacy, talking. Only a rudimentary routine in daily spots of togetherness. Every hamster has more quality time. So what the fuck was our life? beside the hi & by, good morning & good night some talks about (un)important tasks and NOTHING us. nothing. i begged, screamed, left, bargained, brought things to the table and was ignored. my walls and my cats were more responsive and listening.
The fucking hurtful, devasting truth is: when your spouse doesn’t want to listen, answer and engage YOU ARE FUCKED. Helplessly, lonley, abondened, left over, treated like a matter of course. YOU DON’T COUNT. And so do your needs, desires, longings and your love.
I don’t know if I will ever heal from this. I’m grateful for what I did.
- seeking help
Yes. I sought help too late for me. If I sought help earlier, I’m back to the first point.
I’m not capable to live my life in agony only bearing everything alone and working on me with a spouse who today still neglects any alcohol or relationship problems.
To be honest I would be dead by now if I hadn’t done a big bang crash to save myself. I would have committed suicide, what prevented it was my then in her last stage of life mum. I would never had done that to her.
To be honest, when I read about how people fight, and their spouses/partners are at least aware there is a problem, I’m envious.
To be honest I sometimes feel like a failure because I did my faire share to the miserable of our relationship.
To be honest I am furious that me, myself and I can clean the divorce - that he wanted - up. I hate feeling helpless, I can not cope with his bullshit behaviour and the only thing that keeps me sane and out of jail is my faith that everything will turn out as it is supposed to be.
No, I don’t fucking deal with such bullshit, never again. No, I am not willing to live my life in coping mechanisms and that’s it, what for ?? For more drunken bullshit and some sober highlights? Fuck, I was the cooked frog. Bad luck for my ex, it was a pot of nitroglyzerine when he forced the last drop.
No, love alone it not enough. When your spouse doesn’t see, have, feel, sense a problem and urgency and you are on you last legs it’s fucking over. For your own sake and survival.
I borrowed years from tomorrow.
Don’t borrow from tomorrow. When your energy for today is run out, quit.
Some days I called it a day after feeding the cats after I left him. The hardest work are and were my inner boundaries.
I’m fine again, on a good way to my genuine self.
I will be there when it stops hurting that I could not live a relationship for the both of us. Then I will be free of this fucking codependent thinking and it does not go away only with kindness. Sometimes I have to kick its ass out of myself.
I pray for all of us to find peace 
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I do hope that you are able to re-read this and see the powerful woman that you have become. I did not know you then but in the almost year of being on this site i have seen the enormous changes in you. How you are showing up for yourself and setting your boundaries and seeing your own self worth. These all HUGE and i know it doesn’t stop there. You are putting your life back together and i am thrilled to see more social activity. So very healthy.
I loved the line of having borrowed years from tomorrow. Sometimes we need to do that in order to survive today. This is ok friend. With love and self care you can start giving back to the energy for tomorrow 
you kick ass - you be kind - you do whatever it takes to find your ground. know we are here to support and love you on your journey so you are not alone:heart:
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So…. I’m back here re reading posts. I am so grateful this is here! I know I’m going to ramble and it won’t always make sense, but here goes.
Ever since I was a little girl, when things got tough at home, bickering or fighting with sibs, I would go completely ballistic, pack a little suitcase with my doll and a packet of crackers, and I’d run away from home. To the little park next door. 
When I got old enough to ride a bike, then I could run away farther. It always ended up the same of course, once it started to get dark I would go back home. Nobody said a thing about it, they were used to “Patty blowing her stack and losing it” once in a while. What can I say? I grew up in a chaotic environment.
To this day I remain a very emotional person and a real codependent. I avoid conflict like the plague, stuffing my resentments into the back of my head until it can’t hold them anymore, but not being able to just let them go. I vent to friends, too much. I vent here, and that is very helpful.
But letting go? That is a huge problem. When I don’t let go of frustration or resentment, then my husband gets those vibes from me. And it makes him feel worse.
So then he digs in his heels and I get more upset, and it’s these times when I want to run away. My most recent example is wanting to go to Hawaii. I began planning my trip but then realized I was just running away again like I always do. Running away gives me a brief feeling of freedom and bravery. But it doesn’t last and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything. So I am going to have to grow up. Pull up my big girl pants and face reality.
My husband loves me, he genuinely wants the best for me. He has done amazing things in his life, and is a kind and helpful person. When he drinks and smokes his pot, he’s never mean or nasty. But his habits are slowly sapping his energy and motivation. He’s more depressed . He’s super sensitive. This triggers my codependency big time.
I know I have no control over anything he does or doesn’t do. He knows I’m concerned about his health, he knows I think he drinks too much and smokes too much pot. So I have to leave him be now and let him figure his shit out.
Thanks , just had to get this off my chest.
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Vent away @Pattycake sharing helps to get it off the chest and sort the thoughts. Sending big hugs to you
I think learning to let go is a process of little steps, at least for me. I already see it as coping better when I’m able to stop or transform resentment a bit for example. What made it lot easier on the emotional side for me in the last years was deliberately being and practicing kindness to myself. When I’m kind to myself and talk to myself in a nice and apprechiating way I always notice a shift in focus and letting go is easier.
You are a good and caring person. There’s nothing wrong with wishing your beloved husband would stop harming himself with drugs. It’s ok to long for better life quality and togetherness. It robs a lot of energy to deal with a loved one who uses. It’s ok to be sad and sometimes furious. You are human, we want and need connection, the most with the people we love. Active addiction makes this very hard and limited.
You are working on yourself honestly. Maybe the little runaway can find a safe home in the adult Patricia. Maybe those two together find new ways to go through life.
Sending kindness, peace and more hugs to you 
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Tell me about sister 
I guess you just did.
As you know I’m in Al-Anon and AA meetings all week. I actually really like going now. I’ve found Lots of love and hope in those rooms.
Anyway……I’m not here to advertise that.
But letting go sucks!
I hear it so many times “just let go; let god.(picture my voice going high pitched with with a Marcia Brady or Elle Woods smile . I want to punch them in the face! 
)
I guess I just keep Faking It Til I Make It! And I don’t think I’ll ever make it. But Fake It Til You Make It works a bit for me. It’s not an Al-Anon approved slogan though.
Like today. Or yesterday. All is well. I found us a house in Cali. I’m flying home early so we can go with our original plan of me cooking dinner at home and watch the Super Bowl together. Football is the only sport we like to watch together now. Already got my flight. Now she says, let’s go out to dinner. And my brain goes, SHE ONLY WANTS TO GO OUT TO EAT SO SHE CAN HAVE A DRINK! and now that’s all I can think about not the cool house I found. Not the offer we are putting in. Not the stress of moving. How are we possibly going to do this? My mind goes right to. She only wants to do this or that because she wants a drink. And I don’t know if that’s a fact or not. But I do know alcoholics. And there is no booze in the house. But it’s been such a great week so much unexpected excitement etc…… and why can’t I just not think that way. And I can’t let go. Well thanks to your post maybe putting it out here and sharing it with you can help me.
Anyway. Just let go! 
Maybe someday I’ll get it.
You really use to pack it up and run away? Good thing you had your crackers and doll How adorable 
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Thank you for your kind words. Much appreciated.
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Thanks for your support, Eric. yup, sometimes my doll would roll around in my suitcase and smash the crackers to bits. I’d come home with a bunch of crumbs all over.
Will keep working on letting things go.
A house in Cali, though! Congrats!
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I have a loved one, but they are in God’s hand. It is out of my control. Running on self will,only gets my bum kicked every single time
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Sorry about the laugh 
But I see it in action in my mind.
Glad I’m not in your shoes Mischa!
Maybe today is the day for a long bath ore walk and leave him the kids to get some distraction? 
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This thread is achingly real.
The realist of real.
I see parts of myself in many of the stories, and from both sides.
It pierces through any complacency or comfort longer term sobriety may offer and reminds in arresting clarity the torturous path addiction lays out.
To all who have been so open and vulnerable in this thread, thank you.
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OMG I love your wicked sense of humor 
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Thanks for saying that. It touches me. And I also am grateful for this thread. I learn so much.
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I can see and hear you Well done, this way kids learn fast and tbh it made me laugh louder than I should bringing back good memories of my own childhood 
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Thank you for this . You dealth with his lies for 4-5 years ?
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Yes. and I still deal w the repercussions of this massive world of lies to this day.
From my side, since I didn’t know he was lying, I dealt w the wonderful relationship slowly and imperceptibly changing for that long. we went from totally involved in each other and deeply to connected to just me, still feeling the same way and asking my bf what was wrong many many times and he would deny deny deny anything at all was wrong. he looked at me different. he used to have this deep glow and warmth and love in his eyes for me at all times. he began avoiding me, avoiding looking at me in general. became very evasive. it was as if the real him was absent and some excuse was there instead. the slow cooling and withholding and starving me of the love I’d been getting and I was myself giving all the time, without that ever being acknowledged, that was the worst of it all. him becoming someone else and me shifting around so I wouldn’t have to notice. I also drank so hard towards the end to keep myself in this painful ignorance I’m pretty sure.
he also became a very very negative person and very blamey and gulting w me. passive-aggressive and childish, deflecting blame and responsibility even when there wasn’t even any to deflect to begin w, when it was about nothing. I know now this was because of his own guilt, that was so huge he couldn’t let himself feel it and therefore turnt it into resentment towards me (nice huh), but when I didn’t know, the entire world just seemed ununderstandible to me. everything shifted, and I couldn’t put my finger on it, how and what was happening. it was maddening and so sad and lonely.
the sex became well, first awful and then it stopped altogether. I got the blame for that too. I developed body dysmorphia pretty bad. I have always been a flirty and sexually intense person, all that went away. completely disconnected from my sexual self and my body in general. blamed myself for that too. I couldn’t blame him cos that would have meant realising that he was withholiding physical affection, not me, and really beginning to ask the hard questions in a hard way and be prepared to hear the answers. I was so deep in denial it took me a long time and two yrs of recovery and therapy to be able to look at him and see. I was two yrs sober when I was ready to break up cos it was so bad w him, despite how much I loved him, and only this pressure finally made him open his goddam mouth about what was going on. then it was a long drawnout process with more lies and coverups until I finally had all the truth. that’s when I made that post.
then anoher year of him already doing “recovery” and therapy but still getting nowhere, still making inappropriate “friendships” w slutty work colleagues (it takes one to know one guys, I’m not shaming her for being a slut, just saying that when my ex was trying to tell me they were becoming friends I was like no motherfucker, wake up and stop lying to us both this is not a goddam friendship) in the face of my pain, and worst of all, really, and actually the reason I ended it: no way back to physical intimacy w me, at all. no matter how much I tried and hoped and waited. always promising and leading me on knowing I would wait because I loved him and wanted to have our life together. unable to be frank w himself. and therefore w me. that hurt a lot and I lacked a lot. in the end, I had to be the one to call a spade a spade and leave him. he continued to still lead me on w hope for a very very long time and I still hoped.
we have a good relationship now. I have a lot of love for him still and a small part of me still wishes this was all different and all this would have never happened - but I have accepted that he’s not who I thought he is (or anyone for that matter, as he’s one of these men that just positively spill over w kindness towards others, friends and strangers, always ready to help, working very hard to keep that squeky clean image intact, medical professional, extremely handsome - this on top of the utter bizarreness of what he had done made it very hard for me to get much sympathy from anyone who knows him) or what I need in a man and that he has taken too much from me to give him more as a partner. I still give a lot as a friend cos that’s just the way I love. and that I need something else. so we try to have a honest relatioship which is hard cos as a SA, his motives and wishes are often not clear to himself at all. he’s still very codependent w me and uses me in his head a lot as an excuse to not do stuff.
I have become a lot more independent. but I still benefit from our relationship and the mutual support we give each other. we are also dedicated dog parents.
I’ve just got a tattoo the other day for the journey i’ve come through coming out of my own sexual disconnectedness and forced abstinence and into my body over the last couple years. which I felt very hopeless about at times. it’s a journey, but no longer a closed door. 
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