A little bird told me it might be time for an update.
Well, I fucking hate hate hate hate my addict!! But I think I’m getting better. It’s ok to hate my alcoholic. I love my wife. That’s why I’m still in this fight.
Ya know I go to Al-Anon meetings 4-6 times a week. One of them is an AA meeting. I’ve got a sponser now. A therapist. A couple of Al-Anon friends. I don’t get out much with them. Maybe some day. I don’t know.
Anyway…. We try to keep the focus on us. Not the alcoholic. And I try really hard to do that. I need to learn more about this disease and how to live my life and not worry about the alcoholic and what might or might not happen.
So……… last time I checked in I don’t know…… I have a boundary that is if she has more than 2 drinks I’m on a plane outta here. I have seen what happens to her after 2 drinks. It’s not pretty. I still have my own ptsd about that last time in September. I was traumatized. Or was it October?
So anyway. We been doing pretty good. Or more like I’ve been doing ok. Not bad. I’m surrounding myself with recovery and it makes me feel good. Well, in Cali in November she had a couple of glasses of wine each night out to dinner and got really pissed off at me when she found out I had all the booze and wine removed from out room. She says I’m still trying to control her drinking. I’m not responsible for her feelings. I’m doing that for me. But it still hurts that she says that.
So London in December she went back off the rails. Even in front of my son. She wasn’t trashed drunk. But she was drinking afternoons and evenings and night caps. Hey it’s London! She’s on vacation right? We’ve all used that excuse. I know I have. We get back from London and she says she’s going to do better. And ya. I know this is an alcoholic talking so I try not to roll my eyes and say BULLSHIT!
So January. Damp January. Moist January what-the-fuck-ever January. How bout I’m drinking January? She figures out she can have 6 glasses a wine per week. So she can have 2 glasses of wine out 3 nights a week with dinner. That was her plan. Not mine. But I did say if you have more I’m leaving to visit one of the kids. So eventually the 2 6oz pours became 2 8 or 9 oz pours. I know. I’m watching it as it’s a progressive disease. I try not to watch it. That’s not my job but it’s right in front of my face. I’m not blind.
So last trip to cali the 2 glasses turned into……Another glass at the hotel bar or room service. So we are up to 3 glasses of wine now. So I get to watch first hand this fucking progressive disease just slowly take over my wife again. And it FUCKING SUCKS,
Whenever we get home from a trip when she’s drinking it takes me a few days to process and get on with my life. And today I finally had a great day. Until……… she wants a 3rd glass of wine at home. Here we go! 
We had an uncomfortable conversation on the way home but I did not over react. I was as calm as possible. A bit shaky but not too bad. I finally realized I was angry. I already told her I’m frightened about what happens. Could happen after she has 2 drinks. But I also said I’m feel angry. I think this is big for me. I feel angry 
it’s just a feeling. I didn’t explode. Stomp my feet. I just said “I feel angry. I’m fighting like hell for our marriage.” Again she says I won’t be happy unless she stops drinking and I’m controlling her. It really pisses me off when she says I’m controlling her. But I stayed calm. Finally I just said she’s got to do what she’s got to do. And I got to do what I got to do. Full stop 
She came home finished some dishes of hers and sat down with a warm glass of white cooking wine I get in small boxes. So she got her 3 glass in at home. It’s so fucking sad.
I’m not catching a plane out of here. But I guess I got to move my boundary a little. I do get to however call my sponser in the morning. I got my therapist on Mondays now. I got a meeting Sunday night. And I might just call the kids and tell them I’m scared and don’t know what to do. It’s not a secret anymore. But it would become a secret again if I don’t share my grief with my children. And friends.
I got to admit I was pretty fucking shaky and got that pit in my stomach on the way home. But after PMing a good friend here. Playing a few memes. Sharing my experience strength and hope on the check in thread. We actually eventually watched a little tv and still talked to each other like regular people.
I don’t know exactly what I’ll do tomorrow but I will be sharing with family or friends and sponser. And I got my meeting.
It’s a fucking disease. A progressive disease. And frankly it pisses me off when people at Al-Anon meetings tell me just for today. Get rid of the what ifs! Like what if the drunken chaos doesn’t happen? Most stuff we worry about doesn’t happen. But you know what? It’s a progressive disease. I’m watching and living it getting worse. So it’s not so easy.
Let go let god. I do. And I pray for her. And I do a lot of 3 stepping around here.
So ya. It fucking sucks! Did I already say that. And ya I’m getting better. Slowly. But it’s so dang hard.
Thanks if you actually read this whole load of shit. But it did feel good to drop it here with friends. Dear friends. Ya youz.
For real! Get out in the sunshine and let the husband fester if he wants.
. I have no idea 
