I recently accidentally deleted my last topic by accident, but basically was saying my verbally alcoholic husband has reached out and said he wanted to get help but his family has told me that he still drinks 12 hours straight and is still missing work due to it and still verbally abuses his family around him. Even though I hope and pray he will go through the treatment to get the help he needs I never listen to his sober sorry because I’ve heard it a million times, so the only time I talk to him last week Friday was to set up a treatment program and I explained to him that unless he follows through this time I still will keep myself separated for my peace and mental health, that’s when I hear the I left him I’m not there for him and I’m like in order to be there for you I have to be well mentally and I can’t do that around you when you are intoxicated and getting verbal so I pray that this is the time he’s serious about treatment, he’s also on the verge of losing his job from the constant call outs last week due to the alcohol hangovers. I love that I found you all on this site and really helps me cope keep us in your prayers, and I hope everyone and their situations are looking up 
Yes I have to admit I’ve been a strong person throughout this on my own but this site really has given me more strength I’m so blessed to have found you all and yes I hope this is the time that he decides to get sober he’s about to lose his job if he doesn’t get it together. And I will keep you and your situation in my prayers also.
Thank you!
Reading this, just jsut made me realize, it’s not only true for addicts, but any codependent and toxic relationship. With one difference though. When the other side is mad at you, you’re probably trying to save your own life :). Still feeling guilty sometimes for chosing me. Reading the above gave me the reassurance, that the anger on the other side is actually a good thing. It means a pattern that served the other side more than it was serving me, is changing. Whether they want to be part of the change is on them. Thank you for the share Eric 
This is good 
I like this a lot.
Thank you
These reactions are usually coming from a much younger, traumatize version of us that is stuck in an experience. This part of you is one of the many voices in your head and you just let him out. The therapy I am doing is called IFS (Internal Family System) it has helped me understand myself on such a deep level, I highly recommend it. What I am learning is that when I act out like that its because I am trying to save myself from being hurt in some way, that part in my head (because it is younger) has crappy coping skill, interpersonal skills, etc etc. If I am able to get to the root cause about what I feel threatened about, in your situation I might think that wifey doesnt trust me, or maybe she doesnt think I have good ideas or something like that… but once I can get to the root I can understand and hold that part of myself with compassion. “Ah, I see you were just trying to protect me,thanks, but I got this.” Usually those parts in our heads arent used to us (the essences of us, our soul, heart, wisdom) being capable of taking care because we have just let them (the voices in our heads) run wild like unparented children our whole lives. Now we are in recovery we are learning to access our heart and live a spiritual life. It takes time to trust ourselves, and the best way to start is to be understanding and compassionate with why you do what you do.
Feeling very lonely today. I am at 20 days sober today and very proud of myself. I was out of the house most of the day yesterday and came home to my husband who had been drinking all day. He was a mess and a conversation was not even possible. He went to bed at 8:30 which was nice so I could enjoy my quiet time. He is back at it this morning (started at 8am). He has not once told me he is proud of me and seems to be drinking my share of the alcohol. Again, I think he is waiting for me to fail.
We are going to see our grown children next week and I know I will get lots of support from them. My daughter is pregnant and I don’t want to stress her with this.
Venting has helped. I am off to workout.
Hey Kristen big hug 
I’m so sorry for your circumstances but glad you came here to let it out. Big congrats on your 20 days of sobriety. I don’t think your husband wants you to fail. It’s just this fucking family disease. It’s so hard. If you read early on in this thread you can see how I was kind of exactly where you are. Although I was focused so much on my sobriety my wife’s continued drinking and passing out didn’t bother me as much then.
I know this kind of loneliness you are talking about. It hurts deeply. I know there are people on this forum and they live alone and feel lonely and I don’t know what that is like. We have a different kind of loneliness living with an alcoholic we love who just cannot be there for us. And it’s very difficult not to take it personally.
And it’s hard being alone and not telling our children about our dirty little secret. My grown up children knew. But I didn’t use them for support. They didn’t know how bad it actually is though.
Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting? If not can you get to an Al-Anon meeting on line? Al-Anon has saved my life. And now Al-Anon is saving my marriage.
I hope you are having a good workout.
Check back later if you’re willing.
Eventually I learned the 5 G’s
Get off their back
Get out of their way.
Get on with your life.
Get to a meeting.
Give them to god.
I’ve been thinking about something @erntedank said on the gratitude thread and another thread that is around on unconditional love. Gonna put it here, it seems to fit.
Why is it, that our alcoholics actions feel so personal? I felt it, when I read it. It makes me think of all the interrupted conversations with my dad, when he jumped up to get the next drink and later on already had forgotten where we left of. I felt set aside and dismissed, like he wasn’t listening or interested in the first place. It reminds me of all the times when he cancelled quality time, because there was no bar available. Or made it a condition there’d be one. I felt like meeting up was just an excuse to be able to fill up on wine in a socially acceptable environment. I took it personal every time and at some point I wasn’t sure whether he actually really wanted to spend time with me. It made me feel unimportant and I sure cried over this many times.
But I also try to think back to my own drinking years. I know I never meant to harm anyone with my drinking. I remember fighting other people whether they had the right to take MY actions personal. It was one of the discussions, that really got the rage going with me. Because - my body, my choice, right? I felt so constrained and judged. I really didn’t want to even think about the possibility of the effects my actions had on their life. It felt like they were trying to take my source of joy and happiness from me for selfish reasons. Why didn’t they want me to be at ease? And I turned to the one “friend” who didn’t make any demands, who didn’t expect anything, who was there for me always. Always. It was easier, definately less annoying and it didn’t require any change on my side. And most important, I couldn’t fail this “friend” or disappoint. As long as I stuck close enough to it, I would not have to feel ashamed, small or broken.
I am grateful I get to look at it from the other side today. It helps me understand what’s going on with my dad a lot better. When his behaviour stings or makes me sad and feel small, I try to remember my own story. It helps me separate it from my selfworth and reminds me, that addiction is rooted in the fear to “not be enough” for most of us.
I grieve all the conversations and father-daughter moments we don’t get to have because of this. But I accept that it is something I can not solve from my side, because it is rooted in him. It helps me detatch from the behaviour and still hold on to the unconditional love for him. At least for now.
Thank you for sharing 
I grieve the nonexistent quality time with my mother. And I grieve that I lost my ex to the bottle long ago. Seems that I start processing the hard stuff of letting go as the 2 year mark approaches.
This is powerful for me. I have been grappling with what unconditional love means in the context of living with my husband and his addiction. Surely his fear of not being enough is triggered every time he senses my disapproval, my frustration, my anger, my sadness.
Thank you for posting this. Really gives me food for thought.
Oh gosh I love this mornings reading in Courage To Change.
MARCH 14
One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they’re pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down. Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics.
Great lesson on not taking things personally!
Thanks for sharing!
Fuck living with an active alcoholic. Just fuck it!!
I guess I’m having some kind of an Al-Anon relapse. I hate coming on here and complaining but that’s what I think I need to do. Already went to a new Al-Anon Zoom meeting on line this morning. Saw 2 friends there so that’s cool for when I move. And I got an in person meeting tonight. I started the day with the Green Tara Mantra and Alice and coffee. Did the longer complete Green Tara Mantra while walking Benson and then listened to the Recovery Show Podcast. And now I’m resting on the couch after lunch.
So anyway. I can’t stop thinking about who is going to be with me tomorrow on our trip to Cali to see our house for the first time together in person. Am I going to be traveling With a sober wife? An airplane drinking wife? The 2 drinks and I stop wife? The fall down drunk wife? The 2 drinks on the plane see the house 2 drinks for dinner and one drink to pass out in the hotel room wife? Or what 
Step 1. I got no control over her disease.
Step 2. I believe I got an HP
Step 3. I need to try and remember to turn it over to him.
Step 4. I feel frightened. Unfortunately I’m feeling like poor me. The victim here. I’m not the victim. I’m sober. I’m healthy. I got support. I got meetings. I’m angry. I’m sick of this shit.
And that’s about as far as I get with the steps on this shit. And come on here and let it out and hope I feel better 
I do know, I’m going to be ok no matter what. I just wish I knew who I was going to Cali with tomorrow.
Things are just so mentally stressful. The kids in Cali have been less than helpful in this new beginning. I hope I still like the house. I hope she likes the house. Moving is so stressful. Especially this one for some reason. And just having family in town didn’t help. But that’s done. And there’s a huge trip to Italy in a few weeks before we move and I’m really worried about Alice. Shes almost 18 now. And she’s loosing weight. And I don’t want to leave her. But I have to. I know she’ll be in good hands at our vet. But she’s seen some days and certainly not getting any younger.
I’m packed ready to go.
I’m going to put on a meditation now. And keep trying to calm myself.
Thanks for reading.
Fuck addiction.
I’m grateful that, no matter what, drinking is off the table for me.
Thank you for sharing your fears. I don’t have any advice other than you got to turn it over. It’s all out of your control, but you already know that. Definitely easier said than done. Keep up on your mantras, meditation and meetings. Sending you postive vibes and hugs🫂
I am so sorry and can totally relate. Sadly, it is a common theme here. Fortunately, my husband ran out of vodka today and the liquor stores are closed. I am sure he will medicate with wine.
Good luck with your travels and hope that your new house is great.
Thanks. Sorry you can relate as well. It’s usually not so bad on my home turf without such huge life changing events going on in our lives. I’m feeling a bit less stressed currently.