Tensions are high in our house tonight. A friend died due to alcoholism recently which always stirs up lots of emotions.
Tonight after work I came home and was relaxing on the couch with the shades partially drawn when a creeper started hanging around my window. We live on the first floor so most nights when I’m awake the screen door is open and separated by a raised (shoulder height fenced) patio. We get a fair amount of foot traffic with people walking their dogs past the window so I mostly feel safe. This felt very unsafe, like the person was watching me and lingering. Kitties seemed wary and my stomach flipped, I got up, closed the screen and the door and drew the shades. All while the guy stood there.
My husband was due home at 2 (bartender, drinker and approaching the complex on bicycle tonight) so I gave him a heads up. He came in fighting. I’m not sure if it is the emotions of losing a friend or me saying I’m scared (which NEVER happens and doubly pissed me off when he downplayed my right to be scared) but he went in full “let me tell you about the world” drunk pontification mode. I removed myself to bed and he brought up the fact that I always walk away from him lately. Which is true. I leave the scenario and put myself to bed when he drinks too much. Often.
He re-opened the patio door after I went to bed.
Tonight is the first time he has brought up separating. I love my husband as the person he is but we are not close anymore. More like roommates these days. He is a daily drinker and doesn’t always take it too far but he has too many about once a week. He is out of shape and has a big belly that I fear is more ascites that pizza. I have been begging him to join a gym with me for about two months. I think a third space in his life that isn’t a bar would do him wonders. I worry he will die from alcoholism. My last three loves were alcoholics. One of them is dead.
Tonight he also said that he doesn’t think I’m capable of loving him, which might also be true. I drank to avoid feelings and closeness with anyone and part of me wonders if I can re-set such an ingrained pattern or if I would have to try again with someone new. I told him many times that we can’t talk tonight and he didn’t really respect that. Usually these things are different in the morning but we’ll see. He seems more defeated than usual.
Lastly, he’s a smoker and has left the patio door open as he goes outside through the main door to smoke. Leaving me alone in the apartment with the patio glass door open after I told him I was SCARED. Which he downplayed.
Fuck. That. Noise.
Being married to a drinker as an ex-drinker is something else. To anyone else doing it too, I feel your pain.
Thanks for the space. Writing it out helps.
Update: he just closed the patio door. I can’t let the downplaying of my emotions slide. I don’t express them often and when I do he dismisses them. Nah. When your wife, or husband, says she’s/he’s scared you try to mitigate that, not ridicule. Oooof, if anyone needs me I’ll be losing myself in some 2019 meme threads. Night all.
All I got to do is love her. Some days it’s hard. But that’s all I get to do.
to finally post it.
