Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

Thank you :people_hugging::yellow_heart: I’m grateful I remember every day of my life and I’m even more grateful angry me has retired. It’s difficult to differenciate between what my ex’s behaviour (or mostly lack of it) contributed to anger, rage and fury and what my own codependent patterns, helplessness, lack of seeing a better future, longing for love & connection caused resentments, fights and wishful thinking. To be honest I’m grateful this shit is over, I couldn’t live like that beside my ex anymore, especially as I came to the conclusion that his love for me was long gone, I didn’t sense any anymore. Still chewing that he never had the balls to frankly tell me: I don’t love you anymore. Fuck it.

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This is such a wise statement. We really are only in charge of ourselves. I’m glad you removed yourself. He is on his own now.

@Pandita that really stinks and I think your Dad deserves to know that it hurts your feelings. Any chance for an open conversation about it?

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Does he make a point those three days that y’all are off together not to drink?

Everybody working, long hard days, schedules that is hard for all.

Regardless, whether he is or is not drinking on those three days, I wonder if you say how much you appreciate those three days and the interaction with him and suggest that y’all have an evening a week that is kind of like that an evening or a meal or something where you have more of the “happy time”
together
If it entails him not drinking then so be it.
I realize you are not in control of him and you cannot tell him what to do. OK. Possibly you could say how much you enjoy the three days that y’all have together and maybe you could squeeze in a few hours of that one time a month extra and then …

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Yes. I am a recovering alcoholic, doing my best to be recovering anyway, and I have dealt with many different types of addicts, with more extreme addictions than my own my whole life. It’s a sad thing to witness good people become terrible people and it just tears apart bonds and you’re basically watching them waste their life away and you can’t do anything to stop them besides encouraging but even then its hard to be around someone miserable especially when you’re trying to stay sober yourself.

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Hey Bird.
Sorry bout the circumstances but still nice to see you popping in over here. I believe we have a special kind of loneliness. We aren’t alone In the physical sense. We have someone and it’s just a different kind of loneliness. Sometimes it really hurts me.

For me. It’s because I love her. I can’t picture my life without my alcoholic. It’s our life. She has this disease. And it sucks! Sucks big time!

I’m safe. I’m comfortable. I’m learning so much more about myself and what I can control and how I look at things. In life in general. Not just with my alcoholic. Both my recoveries have help me grow into this person I’m learning to like. Maybe even love someday.
But just like in sobriety some days are really hard.
I’m glad you stopped by for a vent. I know you know I get it. And it feels good to know we are not alone.

We have such a good time on our adventures especially in the daytime before she drinks. Someone shared the other day at Al-Anon about someone who passed away because of this disease recently. It hit her hard. I think it was an uncle or something like that. She shared she’s doesn’t ever want to feel sorry she didn’t someone enough. Or something like that. She said it better. Anyway…. I was driving home the other day in Cali with some sandwiches and I was thinking :thinking: All I got to do is love her. Some days it’s hard. But that’s all I get to do.
:pray:t2::heart:

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I know this has been posted a couple years ago but I just joined. I can definitely relate to your post. I was mainly a binge drinker as well and my husband drinks more often than I do and most of the time his more frequent drinking has led to stronger drugs. I have done recovery on and off and so has he but now that we have two small children, I am just so sick of the addiction and I have decided to be sober and he has seen me struggling with all of this. He does the same “It’s Friday” or “ I have been at work all day…”, it makes me feel extremely resentful because, to me, it does feel like he is choosing drinking over me and the kids. Even though to him he says he still goes to work everyday and comes home, it still feels like he is choosing it because it has and is causing so many issues in our marriage and family and he keeps trying to have his addiction and this “happy family” and they just don’t mix. I know your post was older and I was wondering how you learned to deal with that. And if you did feel a lot of resentment, how did you deal with it? I can feel myself starting to despise him deep down and I don’t like feeling that way

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This is a very good idea. Its amazing the amount of things I let bother me that I’ve never put into words. Speaking my mind can only help.

Last night we had a good night. I worked a crazy long shift and he made me late-night fake chicken nuggets and we laughed and caught up. He had had drinks. Right before I went off to bed he mentioned that he’s been thinking about quitting smoking cigarettes. I quit last year and I hope that is part of the motivation.

I know this isn’t a definite but a seed has been planted. :potted_plant:

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This is the best thing I’ve learned from reaching out this time. It’s crazy how often I think about what I’m feeling but can’t put it into words until I ask for help and you all answer with these golden nuggets. I like our hive mind. :honeybee:
It makes me feel less alone. 🩷

I feel lonely because I am. I chose an addict because I am an addict. If I can work on myself, my life improves.

In your story with the person passing from alcohol I see the same glimmers of hope I feel when my husband talks about quitting. We can’t control but if we use our sobriety as an example everyone benefits. That quote about leading a horse to water has been rattling around in my brain lately.

Thanks for taking the time to chat Dazer. I hope you are settling into the new house okay. Sendings hugs to you and all your fur babies.

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Long time no see :smiling_face_with_tear:

I just came to vent how I hate when my husband is on coke. I hate him on coke. I hate the way he’s talking, the way he looks, the way he lick his lips, rolling cigarettes… His face, his voice. I can’t stand him and he just want to talk and talk and almost every time subject is the same but he’s brand new enthusiastic and Im just annoyed. He can have good points, good intentions, but I just can’t fucking stand him! I already know that tomorrow he gonna sleep long, wake up all angry cause kids will make noise and wake him up. We gonna have a fight. Monday and Tuesday are his after-coke rage days. So I’m prepared for this as well. But he is kind of proud of himself, cause he only sniff at weekends, sometimes not even evere weekend. So it’s so innocent… But when I’m busy with kids upstairs, and when they finally sleeping and then I hear him talking on the phone, I already hear he’s high, by the tone of his voice. I don’t even go downstairs anymore. Straight to bed. Probably tomorrow I will hear how useless wife I am cause I’m always sleeping… I don’t even care.
Thanks for a place to vent :green_heart:

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That is a golden nugget right there, thanks for this wisdom!

Hugs to everyone venting and sharing and supporting here. It means a lot.:heart::heart::people_hugging::people_hugging:

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Welcome to the community @Meli94
Glad you found this community and this particular thread where you can talk about this.

@Mischa84 I know you hate it and can certainly, certainly understand why. You have every right for many reasons to hate it. I know there’s more too. I hope that sometime he’s able to see what a wreck he is making, his one day abuse ends up fucking up four days or something like that. I’m sure the children are aware that something not normal and bad is happening when the whole household gets put into havoc. I’m very sorry. I hope with time that it will change and he will quit or some other change will happen
In the meantime your support tribe is here with you and for you.
Drugs are so insidious.
You are not a useless wife or mother.
You know where it is coming from it is coming from drugs. Big hugs and lots of love to you. Will be thinking about you as you go through the days.

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Been meaning to post this. I got an inadvertent nudge :wink: to finally post it.

I love speaker meetings and I was turned on to the Al-Anon speakers app.

They have the AA version too.

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Hi everyone.
I’ve recently left my partner due to alcohol. We are both alcoholics and we’re going through a good sober patch when he decided to get smashed the night before my birthday. I work nights so I got home after breaky with mum all excited to find him passed out, vomit on the floor. To say I was angry is an understatement.
So that’s a 5 year relationship gone and I’m really grieving, started drinking again and now I’m in rehab 18 days sober and feeling ALL the pain and loss of my partner.
We both knew it was coming but doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
If anyone has any tips on grief I’m all ears. At 48 this is the first real relationship I’ve ever had. He was my best mate and there’s no love lost, it’s just we are killing each other with this disease :sweat:
Love to you all :heart:

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Speaking about Al-Anon, SMART Recovery also has some meetings for family and friends only which might be good too :3

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The grief must be overwhelming. There is little consolation in knowing that life goes on and things are always changing. But it does, I’m so glad you are doing what you need to do for your own recovery, it’s really the most important thing right now. Who knows what the future holds? Take good care of yourself.
:people_hugging::people_hugging::heart::heart:

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Oh no, Amalia I’m so sorry for the circumstances you are back here checking in. But 18 days and in rehab is an awesome thing to do for yourself. I cannot imaging your pain and the grief of loosing your partner of 5 years. Does your rehab have, or know of anywhere you can get some Al-Anon support? There are so many people going through what you are going through with this horrible disease of relationships. I see it all the time in my meetings.

I wish I could give you some advice but all I got is please know you are doing nothing wrong by taking care of you. That’s the only person you can take care of.
And the Three C’s of Al-Anon
You didn’t Cause it
You can’t Control it
You can’t Cure it.

:pray:t2::heart::people_hugging:
Big hugs to you my friend.

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Going through the same also in our fourties I’m recovered alcoholic husband struggling with alcoholism as we speak. You did the right thing by sobering up and taking care of yourself. Congratulations. I’m doing the same. Every time you get depressed, remember you can never change another person only yourself and you did the best you could.My words to live by are THE SOBER SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH WITHOUT ACTION TO BACK IT UP. That’s for when he tries to get in contact with you and beg you’re forgiveness. Prayers and hugs to you :heart:

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Tensions are high in our house tonight. A friend died due to alcoholism recently which always stirs up lots of emotions.

Tonight after work I came home and was relaxing on the couch with the shades partially drawn when a creeper started hanging around my window. We live on the first floor so most nights when I’m awake the screen door is open and separated by a raised (shoulder height fenced) patio. We get a fair amount of foot traffic with people walking their dogs past the window so I mostly feel safe. This felt very unsafe, like the person was watching me and lingering. Kitties seemed wary and my stomach flipped, I got up, closed the screen and the door and drew the shades. All while the guy stood there.

My husband was due home at 2 (bartender, drinker and approaching the complex on bicycle tonight) so I gave him a heads up. He came in fighting. I’m not sure if it is the emotions of losing a friend or me saying I’m scared (which NEVER happens and doubly pissed me off when he downplayed my right to be scared) but he went in full “let me tell you about the world” drunk pontification mode. I removed myself to bed and he brought up the fact that I always walk away from him lately. Which is true. I leave the scenario and put myself to bed when he drinks too much. Often.

He re-opened the patio door after I went to bed.

Tonight is the first time he has brought up separating. I love my husband as the person he is but we are not close anymore. More like roommates these days. He is a daily drinker and doesn’t always take it too far but he has too many about once a week. He is out of shape and has a big belly that I fear is more ascites that pizza. I have been begging him to join a gym with me for about two months. I think a third space in his life that isn’t a bar would do him wonders. I worry he will die from alcoholism. My last three loves were alcoholics. One of them is dead.

Tonight he also said that he doesn’t think I’m capable of loving him, which might also be true. I drank to avoid feelings and closeness with anyone and part of me wonders if I can re-set such an ingrained pattern or if I would have to try again with someone new. I told him many times that we can’t talk tonight and he didn’t really respect that. Usually these things are different in the morning but we’ll see. He seems more defeated than usual.

Lastly, he’s a smoker and has left the patio door open as he goes outside through the main door to smoke. Leaving me alone in the apartment with the patio glass door open after I told him I was SCARED. Which he downplayed.
Fuck. That. Noise.

Being married to a drinker as an ex-drinker is something else. To anyone else doing it too, I feel your pain.
Thanks for the space. Writing it out helps.

Update: he just closed the patio door. I can’t let the downplaying of my emotions slide. I don’t express them often and when I do he dismisses them. Nah. When your wife, or husband, says she’s/he’s scared you try to mitigate that, not ridicule. Oooof, if anyone needs me I’ll be losing myself in some 2019 meme threads. Night all.

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I am sorry, I don’t have much to say but want you to know that your feelings are valid and you were right to expect support when you felt scared. That would have been the normal reaction. I hope you are able to get some sleep :people_hugging:

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I’m sorry. It’s upsetting w lots of unknowns. Not having discussions when he’s drinking is a good boundary and I’m glad you stick w it. The 2019 memes are a good idea. Big hugs friend. :heart::people_hugging::heart:

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