Oh Emilie, this whole thing just landed in me kinda viscerally…
I’m not at all predicting how your situation will turn out, or telling you what to do. I can only relate to it from my own experience. Also, in going on and on and on below, I have no judgment on your situation or attachment to its outcome! I think sometimes relationships come down to ODAAT too…
I was a drinker who married a drinker, and we sure had that in common. As a lot of us have noted about our lives, there didn’t seem to be a problem on the outside - either with us or the drinking. It was my decision to leave the marriage, not even because of the drinking, and while I was still a drinker myself. It wasn’t a fast decision either (a trial separation of a few months, another year + of effort, and then the decision), and we tried counselling.
In counselling, my ex-husband said he would have stayed. He was upfront about his reasons, thankfully, and they weren’t really the rights ones for me. The counsellor noted, after our decision, how our common ground had been shrinking (and that was then) and how much we would need to work to build it. He also said I would need to have “compassion and detachment” (to which I think I replied “I’m not the Dalai Lama.”)
There is of course more to the story, but since we parted - going on 11 years, I’m so mindful just how much of my life was lived on the sidelines, how much of myself was held “in abeyance”, just how little was shared between my former beloved and I. It was lonely, and I felt like my life was lived in parts - part here, part there, part over there - not connected. I didn’t feel like I was living my life.
I actually still work with that counsellor (off/on over the years, poor dude can’t retire), which helps me when I’m integrating some of my past with now, particularly in recovery, and he has validated all of this.
I am also still in touch with my ex (mostly amicable sharing of the dog girl - over distance). He still drinks, I know.
It would be even lonelier, now, in sobriety, for me. I don’t know how I would do it. I know your situation is different - every relationship is - but I feel you are trying better than I would have or could have, and I just say I see you and thank you for trying what I couldn’t.
Counsellor said something that stuck with me - We can only really love out of our freedom. I think what this looks like is different for everyone, and can only be answered by our own selves.
Hugs, and all the gifs of dogs hugging dogs, or cats, or llamas for that matter… ![:orange_heart: :orange_heart:](https://talkingsober.com/images/emoji/twitter/orange_heart.png?v=12)
EDIT: but the safety stuff? Oof, that’s a line…