Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

[Tragicfarinelli]

Personally, I have very strong feelings towards family members/spouses or people drinking around me. I am not friendly towards it at all. I don’t accept it. I won’t ever accept it ever again. Al anon unfortunately won’t make me change mind. Sorry. I’ve been too damaged by this disease and the treatment of others to not see that I’m better out their lives completely. That’s just me, and I respect if it works for others…

Sending you a big hug, here if you need it. But, my observations:

Avoidance of personal responsibility on his behalf. Easier than him fighting this disease, but disappointing… You dig deep for what you want, I feel.

Disrespect. You deserve better, your feelings are valid as fuck. I hate that people think things are ok till they are not. Nope. You are right, feel your gut and be right in what you think and percieve.

I don’t know Hun, it’s a complex topic. Always here for ya if you need an ear.

[Rookie]

Emilie, I am so sorry to read this and sadly, I can relate. Despite me NOT drinking for the last 58 days my husband has not slowed down. I can gauge his level of sobriety on a few things. When he started drinking, does he take a nap, did he eat lunch etc. He is a smart man but does not see that he is killing himself, he has already been diagnosed with cirrhosis. He smokes cigarettes and weed all day too.

I really realized yesterday how lonely I am. I guess I was in my own world when I was drinking and it did not bother me. I am prepared on the evenings I know he has gone too far and out of frustration, I stay away from him. This is not how it should be after 30 years of marriage.

Please get a camera for your home. I have two good sized dogs so I feel pretty safe. Stay strong, I have realized I have to put myself first and stay strong in my goals. I am sending you a big hug!

[Dazercat]

Good god Emilie I’m so sorry. What a shit show. So many emotions you must be going through. I don’t know what to say.

After reading the horribleness of your situation I did wonder if you ever go to Al-Anon. I try not to actively promote it. As it’s a program of attraction. Or whatever the hell that means. It means we don’t tell you what to do.

@Tragicfarinelli

Al anon unfortunately won’t make me change mind.

I’m so sorry about the trauma alcoholism has cause you in your life TF. Especially with family members that we would hope are loving and supporting in our lives. And I know you are on the right path for you.

But I would like to clear up that Al-Anon does not promote living with or leaving your alcoholic loved ones. We all have to figure out our own journey. As a matter of fact in the spouse category I am in the minority.

I just heard the other day this lady already had 2 marriages busted by alcohol and now she’s in it again. WTF!!

It’s a horrible family disease. It’s a disease of relationships. It’s just fucking terrible.

I started going to Al-Anon because of my children. They are doing great. I quit going. I went back to Al-Anon because of my wife’s drinking. I stay in Al-Anon because my life is unmanageable. And it gives me peace and fellowship and it fills my spiritual tank. And I’m never alone.

Just going off. Here.
A lady shared just Sunday about her and her spouse being drinking buddies for years. Sobering up for her wasn’t as hard as living with her addict now. And I’m like. That’s my story! We had a wonderful chat after. I kinda wish I wasn’t leaving. And she works an AA program too. Just like me!! I don’t know what she’s going to do. I it just made me feel better that I’m not alone.

I never have to be alone in this.

Big hugs to you Emilie.
It’s a fucking insidious disease. It fucking sucks.

[Tragicfarinelli]

@Dazercat

But I would like to clear up that Al-Anon does not promote living with or leaving your alcoholic loved ones. We all have to figure out our own journey. As a matter of fact in the spouse category I am in the minority.

I just heard the other day this lady already had 2 marriages busted by alcohol and now she’s in it again. WTF!!

Totally agree Eric. But I would counter argue that maybe that lady needs to address codependency?

It’s not for me, but advocate this programme for others. If it helps then it helps!

[Dazercat]

@Tragicfarinelli

But I would counter argue that maybe that lady needs to address codependency?

Bingo!!

This is a great read.
There are a few personal stories about exactly that.

[Tragicfarinelli]

@Dazercat

I’m so sorry about the trauma alcoholism has cause you in your life TF. Especially with family members that we would hope are loving and supporting in our lives. And I know you are on the right path for you.

And you are right about this also mate.

So I saw my parents a few or more times a year and the train station was a fifteen minute drive. We always travelled on Fridays after work to stay through to Sunday. Because it arrived in at the station after 6pm there’s no possibility whatsoever anyone could pick me up as they would have ‘had a drink’ already. Unmarked taxi for the teenager / young adult then, yeah.

My cat died recovering from surgery five/six years ago and she was my soul mate. I was absolutely heartbroken, it was a shock. Mom sent me a six pack case of cheap wine through Amazon.

I could go on and on and on and on unfortunately including quite graphic emotional violence. Her husband is her enabler. He told me about twenty years ago that would leave here if he could… She was that bad… He’s still there, still enabling. Embittered by her awful spite and malignant soul.

I am on my path. But that particular chapter for me is absolutely closed. No chance.

[TrustyBird]

Thanks all. Talking it out, being heard when I wasn’t being heard in my own home and knowing I’m not alone helps.

As for the creeper, I usually walk to work and walk home at 10. Tonight I’ll drive and be watchful when I get home.

As for my husband we will probably have a day full of stony silence and hopefully a chat tonight. Honestly that felt like a tide’s turning kind of fight so we both need to put in some work and some honesty about our communication.

The ONLY benefit of being married to a drinker is that I do not romanticize alcohol anymore. It isn’t cute or adventurous, its a killer.

Thanks for being there friends. 🩷

[Dazercat]

[M-be-free49]

Oh Emilie, this whole thing just landed in me kinda viscerally…

I’m not at all predicting how your situation will turn out, or telling you what to do. I can only relate to it from my own experience. Also, in going on and on and on below, I have no judgment on your situation or attachment to its outcome! I think sometimes relationships come down to ODAAT too…

I was a drinker who married a drinker, and we sure had that in common. As a lot of us have noted about our lives, there didn’t seem to be a problem on the outside - either with us or the drinking. It was my decision to leave the marriage, not even because of the drinking, and while I was still a drinker myself. It wasn’t a fast decision either (a trial separation of a few months, another year + of effort, and then the decision), and we tried counselling.

In counselling, my ex-husband said he would have stayed. He was upfront about his reasons, thankfully, and they weren’t really the rights ones for me. The counsellor noted, after our decision, how our common ground had been shrinking (and that was then) and how much we would need to work to build it. He also said I would need to have “compassion and detachment” (to which I think I replied “I’m not the Dalai Lama.”)

There is of course more to the story, but since we parted - going on 11 years, I’m so mindful just how much of my life was lived on the sidelines, how much of myself was held “in abeyance”, just how little was shared between my former beloved and I. It was lonely, and I felt like my life was lived in parts - part here, part there, part over there - not connected. I didn’t feel like I was living my life.

I actually still work with that counsellor (off/on over the years, poor dude can’t retire), which helps me when I’m integrating some of my past with now, particularly in recovery, and he has validated all of this.

I am also still in touch with my ex (mostly amicable sharing of the dog girl - over distance). He still drinks, I know.

It would be even lonelier, now, in sobriety, for me. I don’t know how I would do it. I know your situation is different - every relationship is - but I feel you are trying better than I would have or could have, and I just say I see you and thank you for trying what I couldn’t.

Counsellor said something that stuck with me - We can only really love out of our freedom. I think what this looks like is different for everyone, and can only be answered by our own selves.

Hugs, and all the gifs of dogs hugging dogs, or cats, or llamas for that matter…

EDIT: but the safety stuff? Oof, that’s a line…

[TrustyBird]

Ah thanks. We’ve been talking about loneliness lately on both of our parts and I feel that living in abeyance statement.

This does not feel like a fight I can just move on from so it is time for lots of honesty. Maybe not today, today might be for stewing.

@M-be-free49

Counsellor said something that stuck with me - We can only really love out of our freedom.

This will be my meditation for the day.

And yes, I agree, that blatant disrespect of my safety and my feelings was over the line. He apologized after the fact but I will be holding on to that for a bit.

Thank you.

This makes me smile.
Off to work and home to maybe scream at a creeper. Watch out, when I get scared it looks like anger.

Thanks again. 🩷

[M-be-free49]

An actual picture of me right beside you… minus the cigarillo…

[JazzyS]

Just reading this now – sorry Emilie

That creeper had me feeling uneasy. I am sorry you were not taken seriously and felt unsafe in your own home. Hope you do not ever have to see him again.

I do hope the meme thread kept you distracted and helped you as well

You are wise to not engage in conversations when he has been drinking . Those words would not have any impact and would go unheard.

I have not been married and don’t know how to live with an addict. I can’t imagine all that you and other here have to go through. I can imagine it being lonely and isolating most of the time. Glad you two will be having an honest conversation of your needs and wants.

Sending you much love my friend - hard to be dealing with all of this and your friends passing.

[Olivia]

Thought I could ramble here for a bit…

So. Hubby has been feeling low for months, if not years. He has started therapy and is committed to it. I’m so glad about that! As we know, addiction is just a symptom of underlying issues. He is digging deep, the roots going all the way to his childhood. I know from experience that we’re in for the long haul, but it’ll be worth it.

He lost his job so we’re on my part time pay check for now, too. I have to admit, I am a bit scared about our finances but I surrender myself, him and everything to our HP who has promised to provide.

Falling in love and learning to love someone are totally different things. For reference, we’ve been married 11 months. Gosh.

[Pattycake]

It’s so great your husband is getting this help! It must be a relief. And he’s lucky to have you in his life.

[Pandita]

I hate this feeling of utter helplessness in view of my fathers drinking. It makes me so sad to see his selfconfidence and love for life deteriorate. I hate how it has an effect on any family activity. Everyone is walking on egg shells. I hate that I feel responsible for how his wife is feeling. I can see she’s trying to create a light mood. I hate that she has is the evening all mapped out in her head with the good intention to create a nice memory for all of us. It never works out. There is no containment for this disease. Controlling the people around the addict doesn’t make it better. I am just so angry right now. I am angry, because I see myself in her. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like my six years old self. I just want us to all be ok and I don’t know how to make it happen. I think I can’t make it happen.

[M-be-free49]

@Pandita

I think I can’t make it happen.

I think you’re right. You can’t make it happen. And trying to control the people around the addict won’t make it better.

I think you did the thing your wise self can do - getting the yuck feelings out in the open and out of you.

Sending some comfort and hugs and peace your way. A warm cup of tea. A calming view to look at. Some stillness and ease. Maybe a piece of soothing music? (Or f-bomb laden rage tunes, if they make you feel better!)

[Pandita]

Thank you, Emm, for your kind words. I know, it’s out of my hands. I try not to expose myself to this situation too often anymore, but when I do, it hits hard. I really hate this disease! Anyway, today I already feel a bit better. I am grateful I could out some of the frustrations and hurt here.

[Starlight14]

I kinda just wana talk this out…some of you might have seen one of my threads a good while ago about how my family were with me when i was trying to get sober when i first came here…my mother was very tough love…my brother cut me off and refused to speak to me for 9 months which hurt like hell…well i got a call from my mother this morning…my brother had been arrested last night for being drunk out of his mind and for smashing up his own car infront of his 2 young daughters…my mother was distraught today and came to me for advice…which i find kinda crazy in itself…we’ve all known for a long time my brother has an issue with drinking…when he cut me off back then i was so hurt i even thought if and when a day like this came id do the same to him but i didnt…i explained to my mother when hes released from custody today to not to be angry with him as that will only push him further to self loathing and drinking even more…i said if she can muster it to give him a hug and make sure he eats, hydrates and gets some sleep for today then to talk to him once he gets himself pulled together…i never thought id react like this im shocked at myself…my mother has done what i said and he cried she said…i have also explained that unless he admits himself he has an issue then nobody can help but if he does then ive also offered to support him should he want me to. I actually feel really bad for him and i never thought i would…

[Dazercat]

This is a great share. It shows the maturity we get to have when we are sober. And how important forgiveness and letting go of resentments are for us. I’m so glad you are seeing it this way. Nice share Kelly

[Cjp]

Oh way to be strong and offer support to your momand brother. You put ego aside and did whats best for a fellow addict. Good job.

I pray this can be his rock bottom.

Sending hugs and love