Feeling pretty low right now. I am sober but definitely an addict so needed to cut off all influences.
I’m struggling with feeling like I’m being watched. That everyone knows every inch of my life. That I’m actually super mentally unstable. That I didn’t earn anything in my life. That I’m pretty useless and unintelligent. That it’s never going to get any better. That I’m stuck in this cycle and yes there will be moments of contentness but overall life really does just suck and people expect too much out of you and put so much pressure on you if you make a mistake that you can’t even function which is why I turned to drugs and alcohol in the first place to help me function.
As I get older, I just realize people are mean and cruel and selfish. Everyone just seems miserable in life. They all judge each other, belittle each other, do pointless, superficial things to make themselves feel better. I used to sleep a lot and wish I’d never wake up but now I’m having strong thoughts to just end it since that’s the only way to peace I can really see. And I get that we all die eventually so might as well stick it out. Or think of the ppl that love you. But it just doesn’t seem worth it. Ppl will move on they may have some guilt but they’ll move on. And I’ll be at peace. So what maybe I’ll make one person smile if I stick around or can help people but I just don’t care any more. Everyone leaves or let’s you down including yourself and then you die, hopefully peacefully if you’re lucky. I’d rather die by my own control and hope that the next life might be better. That seems to be the only hope I have right now. I don’t have much hope for this life anymore. Everyone says hold on, be strong but what if you really just don’t want to anymore. Trying to change my mindset. I know a walk or a workout will prob help. Food. Meds. I know what will help. But it’s almost like my mind won’t let me. Don’t really trust anyone to reach out in my real life so I guess that’s why I’m reaching out on here. Sorry for the heavy post but I didn’t know where else to turn.
Hi, thank you for posting on here. It shows that there is a good community of support here. I’m sorry that you are feeling the way you are right now. I’ve been there many times before and everything that you have written I resonate with so much. It’s a lot of sadness, anger towards yourself and others and seeing and understanding that a lot of people are so unkind. It’s hard to be positive all the time and it’s 100% a normal human reaction and feeling. Especially with everything that is going on in the world. But please stay with us, as I’m sure you know, it will pass and you will come out of this state of being. It’s going to be difficult, it’s not easy. I’m day 1 again for my sobriety and want a sober life and hoping that I can make it this time. I don’t know if you have any hobbies, but for myself I’ve learned staying away from social media, especially Facebook for myself is helpful to my own mental health. Staying away from situations that will cause you mental or physical harm in any way. Having people around you that either fully understand what you are going through and are genuine and authentic and or are willing to listen and learn to understand. My hobby that I truly love is hiking or being out in nature, and I’ve learned to do that at least once a week for hours at a time, alone in the peace and quiet. And taking photography of things that people don’t seem to see on a regular basis or usually notice because of everyone’s busy lives. If you ever want or need someone to communicate with you on a regular basis. I am here and willing to be a support and contact and outlet for you. Because letting that anger and sadness out to someone that will not judge you for what you’ve done or say is valid. Please stay with us. You are so important, you are loved, we care about your life and your sobriety journey!
Thank you you trusting us to share your feelings. It sounds like you are thinking some pretty heavy stuff. Life can feel pretty brutal. One thing that helps me is to realise that everyone has their own internal hurt and reacts to that. If people seem critical or selfish it is due to their own fears. Yet few people recognise or face their fears as fears and just compensate.
You are not unintelligent or useless. Your post is aware and smart. You don’t have to have some big purpose in life. It is ok to just live your life, finding that contentment when you can.
Have you tried therapy or counselling? Or even just reading some self-help or psychology books? It might help you.
Also, although it sounds like you are ruminating rather than seriously planning here are some emergency numbers if you start to feel more desperate
United States
US Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. Website also offers an immediate chat box.
US Crisis Text Line
Crisis Text Line is the free, 24/7, confidential text message service for people in crisis. Text HOME to 741741 in the United States.
Samaritans UK - Call 116 123 any time, whatever you’re going through.
(Also see Other sources of help | Samaritans for a list of other organisations offering specialist support)
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. We are here for you, so please keep reaching out whenever you need to vent. Please consider what @Misokatsu has posted. You deserve to live a happy life. We all do. Being strong doesn’t mean you must go it alone. But it often means you get help and support. Please do so.
Hey, you are heard in this. It sounds like your brain is only letting you see the bad stuff today. There is good stuff. You’ve seen it and you can see it again.
Steps. Stay sober.
Make a therapy plan.
Continue talking.
My brain has also been a lying asshole at times. Please don’t let it lead you down that really dark path for too long without getting some help. I’ll sit next to you in the dark if you need. 🩶🩷
Hi lady, i hear u and i feel you in what you have been very brave to share with us…ive felt exactly the same way before…what you feel is valid and ok, its ok not to feel ok sometimes its not something that is necessary to run from or try to escape from…however i believe that sometimes we can get stuck in the negative…the negative thinking becomes a habit like any other especially for us that have are addicts and have those tendancies you kind of can become addicted to negative thinking…what worked for me to pull me out of that was positive psychology which focuses on the positives in life to change our mindset, yes there are always negatives but i think we can miss the positives when we are so focused on those negatives…
You are not alone
What you say sounds quite similar to my depression voice, that’s how I call it when my mood, selflove and outlook go down the rabbit hole to wander around the vault of my emotional basement.
Hi JP, you mentioned in an earlier post that you were diagnosed with bipolar. Have you spoken with your psychiatrist or your doctor about a program or a treatment plan that will help you find your path through these lows?
You need a program or a treatment plan to live your life. Rollercoaster lows (and/or highs) all the time are not functional: it’s like asking a car to drive with square wheels. You have to figure out some modification - medication or treatment, in consultation with your doctor - because the lows are keeping you stuck. (Same thing happens to me with my medications if I am out of alignment or off track with them.)
Suicide is not the answer. It will not bring you any peace. Call 9-8-8 in the US or Canada, or search “suicide hotline” if you’re in another country, and speak with someone. Also, schedule an appointment with your doctor, ASAP.
Thanks so much @Gracieloufreebush94 for your kind words and support. I did drink twice over the holidays and since then I hadn’t had alcohol since Halloween. I did pick up smoking weed and cigarettes again last year as a way to cope with stress but am on day 2 of stopping that so in the same boat as you facing sobriety again. I think upon some self reflection I have realized this lifestyle is just not for me and I guess I’m mad at myself for wasting away so many years and mad at society for glamorizing something that is simply not glamourous. I’m so grateful for this community it reminds me that sobriety is possible with hard work and one day at a time mindset. Thanks for the nature nurture advice I do love escaping in nature so may borrow this idea! Honestly it would be nice to check in if you’re still open to it? I really want my sobriety to stick this time! @Misokatsu you are always so supportive and I appreciate you reaching out and reminding me that it’s okay not to have it figured it and providing those resources I need to get back into yoga it always helps with my overall mood and feeling more connected. @Pattycake thanks for your continued support too I struggle with asking for help, don’t want to be seen as a burden or seen as vulnerable or sensitive which I attribute to being weak, most likely stemming from my mom. @TrustyBird thanks for your post. I honestly appreciated the tangible things to do when it felt like I was spiralling. And literally your kindness warmed my ice cold heart ever so slightly thanks for figuratively sitting next to me in the dark xo @Starlight14 thanks for sharing with me that you’ve had these thoughts and how shifting your mindset can help harness gratitude. Your love and hugs were received with open arms @erntedank depression voice I like that have you found a mute switch for that depression voice by any chance? @Matt and legit thanks for this. It forced me to again accept a diagnosis that I keep trying to fight. Like sobriety I’m hoping this acceptance sticks this time. Just want to thank everyone for reaching out. I am feeling a bit less inclined to give up and a bit more inclined to fight and work for the life I want.
One thing that happened for me internally was thinking I’d never become what others wanted me to be.
I put so much emphasis on what others thought of me, said about me, did around me that I forgot who I was in this world.
I sabotaged much of my life, hurt myself, amongst only a few harmful aspects of my life. I became very thoughtfully suicidal, and am thankful that I have never acted on it.
It haunted me up until very recently as those thoughts continued. It is a very common process for so many people and though society has had such a stigmatized outlook on it, it shouldn’t be stigmatized, nor have anyone who feels and enacts these behaviours labeled in any way.
You are human after all, just like each and every other person in this world. Though a person with addictive behaviours is often treated differently, we’re honestly no different except for that we have poor coping skills and decision making skills. In fact these coping skills and decision making skills were actually never designed to hurt us when we first chose them. We chose them because it was the only way we knew how to keep ourselves safe in our environment.
I hope and wish that you can pour yourself into your healthy recovery because you truly deserve to see that side of you. One that is only dependent on what you want to make of it, not what is believed others want it to be.
Your strength shines through in your courage to post here and your vulnerability.
If I had found this mute button you can be sure all of you and all people around the world would have heard about it!
What I found and practice a lot is a snooze button though. I learned a lot about myself, work(ed) on issues I struggle with (work in progress), have a good therapist and a reliable psychiatrist. And I fill my toolbox with everything I find helpful, not only recoverywise, lifewise.
My 3 most used tools are HALT, This too shall pass and Babysteps.
My most loved asset to stay focused on myself and on what I can do is my emotional support poster.
My most used techniques to stay sane are writing and self-talk (it really helps to discuss things with my cats).
I rest when I need rest and life is always a lot better bearable when I’m kind to myself, so I practice it daily. This way I have it present when my mood is dark and I hide under the blanket.
Hope my best-of-toolbox helps you
Getting stuck in those thought loops is exhausting, going over and over the problem going deeper down the rabbit hole.
Not sure if it helps but if i notice im going down catastrophe alley i just do one thing. Not go for a walk as that can feel like a drop of futility in the ocean.
I put my pants on, then my shoes and even if its round the block i just start. My mantra is " im not trying to change how i feel or think but chanfe what i do"
Absolutely, I know for the past couple years I never wanted to accept my own addiction to alcohol, and thought I could limit it and not have a problem. It can also be really hard to have people communicating with you, connection on a real level when it comes to this and finding the right people to surround yourself with that will help keep you accountable. Having support is important, and I would love to stay connected. I work in the bar industry, which can be extremely difficult because that in itself is a completely different culture. And it’s hard to find people outside of that because from ones I work with, I’ve only found 1 or 2 people that are sober, that have gone through the same experiences I have. Especially when it comes to friends and family. They just truly don’t seem to understand and that is OK. I used to get angry and upset by it, and I no longer do, most of the time. but I do my best.
I get this. I fought my mental health diagnoses for years, ADHD and depression, avoiding treatment and medication because I wanted to “do it without ____”; and not handling my diagnoses in a healthy, functional way is one of the reasons I got stuck in addiction.
In my recovery I am in regular contact with my doctor and my therapist and I follow their instructions and it makes a massive difference for me. Like, massive - like, life or death. My life, my living and moving through the world and doing stuff and finding meaning and growth: all of that is directly related to me handling my mental health diagnoses.
You can do it and if you speak with your doctor and your therapist or psychiatrist, and you follow their instructions, you will enter a new chapter and you will see a big difference.
Take it one day at a time friend and dont give up.
@JP123 … thank you for sharing. The dialogue you started is important. Your realizations are important. I have found in TS that just putting it all out there can help others in ways you may never know about. And hopefully help yourself in the process!
Today is the 5th anniversary of my father suicide. I think about him everyday. He was also in recovery. He was a lot more brilliant than he gave himself credit for. He was well respected. He had problems as we all do. I wish I tried harder to get him the help he needed.
Don’t give up. There’s no telling what tomorrow will bring. I have the same feelings you do. I don’t know what the answers are but just don’t give up.
I’m sooo sorry about you father. I can definitely relate to that. My dad passed 3 years ago and I carry guilt too but please know that it had absolutely nothing to do with you. Your father was fighting his own battles. And mental health is much different today then in previous generations. We are so lucky to have this deepened understanding. As scary as it is, I will fight, and I hope you do too! Sending love
it reminds me that sobriety is possible with hard work and one day at a time mindset. Thanks for the nature nurture advice I do love escaping in nature so may borrow this idea! Honestly it would be nice to check in if you’re still open to it? I really want my sobriety to stick this time! 
I need to get back into yoga it always helps with my overall mood and feeling more connected. 
but I do my best.
and dont give up.