Hi all,
I haven’t been around for a while but I’ve decided to come back because I think I need to be honest — partly with everyone here, but mainly with myself.
The last post I made here was in January 2025. I’d got to six months sober, which was by far the longest I’d ever managed, and then I decided to drink again over Christmas to “see what happened.”
At the time, I genuinely thought something had changed. I had a few drinking sessions in December and managed to keep most of them controlled. I remember being almost amazed that one or two drinks could feel enough. I even posted that maybe sobriety had shifted something in me and that perhaps I could now drink differently.
Well — I was wrong.
Not wrong because I was lying at the time. I wasn’t. I think I genuinely believed it. But I can see now that I was taking a short spell of control and trying to turn it into proof that I had fixed the problem.
I hadn’t.
The pattern has slowly come back. It doesn’t always look dramatic from the outside, which is partly why it is easy to keep arguing with myself about it. But I know the pattern now.
Beer sounds appealing. I look forward to it. I tell myself it will just be a few beers, especially in summer, in the garden, after a long day, or when the sun is out. Then I have two or three and they don’t really feel enough. Then gin becomes the thing I actually want, because that gives the proper hit. I enjoy the start of it. Then I carry on further than I intended, sleep badly, and wake up feeling physically and mentally poor.
And then, once I feel better later in the day, the appeal comes back again.
That is the loop.
I’m not coming back because I’m in a dramatic “I’m so hungover, I must quit forever” state. I know those decisions can be flimsy when they are made purely from shame or feeling awful. This feels different. I’m not at ‘rock bottom’. I’m not having some huge crisis. I just recognise the pattern clearly enough now, and I recognise I do not appear to be in control of it any more.
The enjoyment is real, but it is also fairly marginal compared with the consequences I keep accepting for it. A few hours of drinking. Then poor sleep. Then a low, anxious, flat next day. Then guilt. Then the sense that I’m not being the person I want to be.
And it is not just about feeling rough the next morning. I can see that alcohol makes me more snappy, irritable, emotional and reactive. Maybe not every time, and maybe not always dramatically, but enough that I know it changes me. It lowers my patience and makes me less steady than I want to be.
That matters to me. I don’t want to be someone who keeps drifting into that version of himself for the sake of a few drinks. I want to be more controlled, more level-headed, calmer, and more present. Not perfect, but steadier than this. I have a young family, and I don’t want them seeing those behaviours.
My wife has said a few times that she doesn’t think I should give up completely. I understand why she says that. She sees that I enjoy drinking at times, especially gin in the sunshine or a drink together in the garden, and she thinks people need some kind of release. I don’t think she is being careless or unkind. I just don’t think she fully realises how much I struggle with it internally, or how rarely it stays as simple enjoyment for me. In a way, I dont think I need to convince her because this is something I know i need to do for me, and I know she will ultimately benefit from it even if she doesnt see that at the moment.
I also wanted to apologise for that last post before I disappeared (you’ll no doube be able to find it). Not because it was offensive, but because I can now see that I was probably doing the thing people here often warn about: getting some sober time behind me, testing the waters, having a short period where moderation seemed possible, and then using that as evidence that I was different.
In a way, that old post should probably stay exactly where it is, because it is useful evidence. It shows how convincing moderation can feel for a while. It shows how easy it is to mistake a temporary change for a permanent one. People were right to be cautious. I was wrong.
So I’m back. Day 1 - no target (like 6 months before), just to take each day as it comes until each day becomes the norm.
Well said