So it’s been a while since i have posted but here is an update.
I’ve been kind of fooling myself since January. The plan has been to cut down gradually from month to month with the general idea that each month has to be an improvement from the previous month. For example:
Jan was 6 sober days so Feb has to improve upon this.
Why do i say this is fooling myself? Because if i follow this progress then by the time it gets to December i’ll still be making excuses to drink.
After a few months of this i was hit by a health concern very recently (something which has been hanging around me for a while but i haven’t taken seriously). On the first despite suffering through this illness caused by alcohol, i still drank. It was a reward for a difficult week away from home. Always a different excuse to have a drink while feeling that it was deserved because i am on track with the reduction per a month plan.
Now i’m seeing the light but not out of the danger zone. I’ve been nursing my health and as I am on the end of the main symptoms of this illness, there are already thoughts that the symptoms have gone away, time to reward yourself.
I have to take this blessing in disguise, this flare of this illness to get serious about staying on the wagon, enjoying my evenings and trying to live through my mornings.
So, here i am, back here, if i need it i’ll be around keeping busy.
Welcome back! It is always “getting back to it” as I call it. We are here for you in many ways! I have been away from the Forum for a while, but I am back to it, been sober now for 120 days! and Counting!
Welcome back! I think it’s admirable that you’ve noticed and called yourself out for the excuses you’re making and how they’re harming you. That’s so difficult to do! Keep being brave and realizing what you deserve okay? No one deserves addiction and dependency. I wish sobriety came more easily but it’s so worth it.
I got to 7 days today. I guess I am always looking for milestones and for rewards for those milestones. Had a really good bike ride this evening and was surprised to see i was at 7 days in a row already, almost anti-climatic as nothing special happened…
…let’s hope energy levels and sleep falls into place in this second week.
Great job getting honest!. Joining back in this community is a good step. What other steps can you take so you dont “reward” yourself with more of the same?
There was such a relief when i acknowledged the insanity of my addiction
Today I am not at home because i have gone away for a few days for work.
I was worried that i’d be sad and go back to drink to help pass the night away. As i couldn’t imagine what to do other than sit in a hotel room and have some drinks, the thought of it seemed difficult.
But in the end i went to the gym, went for a bike ride. I really find that keeping myself busy past 9pm helps me to get over the craving point. I used to get so stressed whenever it got past 9pm and i didn’t have my drinks ready… now i’m working towards changing these habits. Trying to live longer. Be healthier.
Good job on hanging in there.
As I stack up the days, I accumulate more good mornings and remind myself every night that my reward is another good morning. The weight loss has been a nice perk.
Nights can still be hard but it does get easier.
One day at a time. You can do this.
Today was actually quite a good day. Energy was maintained throughout without feeling burnt out or sleepy or even low.
I made an effort to keep myself busy with things while still on a business trip and manage to reflect that i’ve been far more active than i would usually, compare:
Work until 7, go get beer, chill out at home maybe some light exercise, drink enough to sleep but not enough to feel wrecked the next day. Still feel awful the next day and constantly be paranoid getting close to anyone and they’ll smell the alcohol on my breath.
Vs
Work until 7, go home, get changed to talk to family, head to the gym, don’t worry about whatever time i get back. Get back, eat, shower , chat with friends, watch tv, sleep, get up the next day not having to try to put on a front but ready to kickass and chew bubblegum.
Things still not perfect. Physical appearance still needs more time to get in line with expectations…but hey, it took years and years to ruin it, i’m happy to wait a few weeks to get it back.
It’s been a while and things have been a bit up and down.
What can i say, be honest i guess, it seems that I have a case of one things leads to another…
Now, this isn’t me making an excuse, this is me talking about what has happened recently and attempting to explain it.
Last month was the month where it became clear that moderation wasn’t something that works for me, it just results in me gaining (negative) steam and 1 day turns into 4 or 5. I guess this was a step in a direction…
…but it is back to the sober journey. I am back here to update the journey. I know that this choice will make me happier and healthier.
Welcome back
The addiction carousel never got me anything either. It’s a lie and it’s always a lie, even when it pretends to be something interesting or useful or fun or… it’s not. It’s a lie. And a toxic one at that.
One day at a time. Keep connected and keep reaching out here and in other recovery spaces (there are groups here: Resources for our recovery). Addiction is about isolation. Recovery is about healthy connection.
So, I’m here and happy that I’m sober today for a start.
I had weird dreams last night. In my experience in the first couple of days of sober dreams I get paranoid and have weird dreams and experiences that seem so real but seem so silly the day after.
Last night I didn’t sleep well, night seemed to last a very long time but I’m also aware that based on my latest streak that it will get better after 4 or 5 days. In my experience this is the most challenging time because the lack of sleep makes the turn to alcohol more tempting (as it will cheat me to sleep; i am aware that this isn’t real sleep and for years my brain isn’t use to sleeping ‘normally’ so I’m sure that there are weird chemically re-balances going on).
Bring on the next weird dreams, it is 100% worth what is on the other side of them - health!!!
. Back!!!